Me and Girl Roomie with Gary. At one point, we wore Gary's sparring gear. (you can see his vest on the floor behind us) We learned that wearing sparring gear does not stop the boobie pain of a running, leaping chest bump. Good thing we have cushioned chests.

oh, I'm funny!

Current favorite quote:

Me:

"Summertime Vacumming is so much cooler when you aren't wearing anything"

(I miss the rampant nudity I enjoyed when I didn't have roomates!)

Go back to Med School, Sis

Talking to the bug guy yesterday. He often regales me with stories of well...stories. First, you all would be amazed at the things people demand of him (I once called him and asked him to tent my office trailer because there was one pincher bug. I was kidding, most people are not)

So because of the large amounts of rain we got this year in my normally dry climate, we have a lot of bugs. Trailer Town seems to be plagued with tiny spiders. Tiny. Pinhead. Too small to bite. I leave them alone because they aren't hurting me and they eat other bugs. Many people around here want their office fumigated. Good thing for BG though, is that he get to see all sorts of bug bites. One girl hiked up her skirt to show him, and when he told her he could see her thong, she said it was ok.

So yesterday he gets stopped by someone. He wouldn't tell me who, and I'm glad. She says to him, "BG, I think I got bit by one of those spiders, and now I think I have chlamydia". He looked at her for a second and tried to think of a good way to break the news without a sexual harassment suit. he finally settled on "Um, you know that's like, a venerial disease, right?"

She was very embarassed, I'm still laughing.

Today will be filled with blogging fun

Other than that I have ha a pretty "stupid" week. by a stupid week, I mean that I have been excessively dingy. First of all, I have no idea what day it is. all week long. Second, I learned at Bunco last night that I cannot count. at all. simple math escapes me. more on Bunco later.

YES I play Bunco. and not with a bunch of old ladies, these are women my age. some with kids, some without. All a lot of fun. More later.

Dear Fellow Hikers

I would like you to know that I absolutely love hiking with you. I love to meet you and your dogs on the common hiking path. I would like to request, however, that if you are going to bring your dog with you, that you pick up his poo. even if he goes off the path, I can still smell it. poo is stinky. I hike up the mountain for FRESH air. not poo air. If I want to smell dog poo, I'll stay home. Molly makes plenty.

Thanks.

PS if you have a silly little rat dog, please remember that they are not made for hiking. They are made for the Paris Hilton Wannabes to carry around in silly little dog carriers. They are not made to taverse miles of terrain strewn with boulders bigger than they are. furthermore, it is too hot to carry little furballs back down the mountain, so do yourself and your puppy a favor. leave them at home in the air conditioning.

PPS if you are too stupid to bring your own water to hike up the hill in 100 degree weather, please remember to bring some for your dog. he is counting on you to take care of him even if you don't take care of yorself. And while you're at it, bring one of those neat collapsable water bowls. your doberman isn't going to get enough water if you pour it out drinking fountain style for him to lick. and a capful is not enough for your chuihuahua. If this is too much to carry, perhaps your dog would be willing to do it. They make really neat harnesses just for this. I used to backpack with an English Spaniel that carried her own food. She was cool.

Yay, Yoda!

a sage individual I am.

Humming Birds

Humming Birds have a special place in my family history. When my paternal Grandfather was in the Hospital with Cancer, and his wife (My Grandma-L)would be there to visit with him. one day, she had stepped out to have a cigarette and a humming bird flew right up into her face, then flew away. She knew at that moment that Grandpa had died (confirmed when she went back into the room) and she swears to this day that he "flew away on the wings of a humming bird" because he loved them so much. (a fact I did not know until she told me this story just as I didn't know that his favorite dessert was Strawberry Shortcake until I ate it after his funeral. Bittersweet and sad how little I know about my father's family)
So Sunday, when I saw a Humming Bird outside my kitchen window, I smiled as usual and thought of Grandpa. But yesterday, when I was in the Fairy Garden watering the flowers, a humming bird buzzed my ear. Close. Twice.
So it makes me wonder if perhaps Grandpa is trying to tell me something. It makes me worry about my dad, who I haven't spoken to in a long time. Or if Grandma L is ok, as I haven't hear from her in awhile either.
I guess I am superstitious. I still hope Daddy is ok.

Still smiling!

Had a great time at scrapbooking, plan to take my mom with me to Summers Past Farms for soap materials this week or next. I think she will love it there as much as I do. It really is a special kind of place. My scrapbooking friends want to do a joint expo to help our businesses grow. What a dynamis group of women! I love being around positive minded individuals.
Called my friend Eddie about setting up my website. I'm just going to have to "Do It" and figure out how to pay for it later. I should probably get a digital camera, although my mom says I can use hers. She also said she would help me with my logo, which is in my head, but I don't have the skills to put it on paper.
Girl Roomie is back in town, maybe tonight I can get things moving again.
Sold my first bar of soap yesterday. Hooray!

Found another Happy Place

Watering my flowers. This weekend I planted mint in the tank and black eyed susans in the bowl of the toilet-turned planter in my back yard. Now I am out every day with my watering can watering the flowers and the trees and talking to them because they are lonely and need encouragement to grow. No, they don't talk back, they are plants. weirdo.

I watched a lot of movies and worked on my business. Got my Catalog all laid out! I still need a phone number. and a bank account. maybe tomorrow on the phone, I have some pushing to do at the partner for the account. madness, all of it. I'm dreading telling her that she still owes me like 87 bucks for utilities last month. She's been on vacation for the past week or so. I'm a pushover, I know.

on the hooray for me side, I finally confronted T about the lack of phone call thing. He apologized and didn't even try to make an excuse, so he's back on my good side. I think we're going for Thai food on Friday. yummy! He said I need to tell him when he's being an a-hole. i kow we all agreed not to say anything, but it continued to bother me. And I decided that my feelings were actually valid, not silly, and I need to express myself on teh little things too. because sometimes the little things grow into big things. and not in a good way.

Disturbing things coming to light about boy roomie, like the fact that he "went berserk" (I was indoors watching movies) this weekend and whacked my step brother a good one upon the knee with a stick. Brother just got a high paying job (he now makes almost as much as me!) in construction. there is hope that he is not permenantly injured, he has not gone to the Dr. yet. Also, Poo came upon him one day madly jumping up and down on a momma possum he just killed. Poo got graphic with the description, I will not. but with thier momma gone, the babies died too. No remorse. I'm thinking it would be best if girl roomie and I parted ways with boy roomie at the end of our lease. It would certainly make it easier to find a home...

My happy place

We all have them. But last night I had the opportunity to visit one of my happy places and I feel very at peace with myself because of it.

I went kayaking for the first time in many months last night. In addition to the joy I feel with each stroke of my paddle, I have to say that my favorite part of the evening is always the end.

Not because it's over, but at that point, it's twilight. All is quiet and the water in the bay is smooth. In the harbor, it is almost like glass. All I can hear is the rhythmic splash of my paddles as the propel me through the water. Sometimes, I close my eyes and get lost in the moment. But not for too long, I don't want to hit anything. It's one of those moments when life is perfect.

Another thing I love about kayaking is that when I'm out there, I am concentrating on paddling. I'm not thinking about my personal issues. It's just me and the elements. Total paradise. There are those who have suggested that I try a canoe. I have. And I do like it. I have a certification in it. But I like kayaking getter. In a regular kayak (not the sit on top kind), you're practically in the water. but you are on top of it. Since I prefer dry land, kayaking gives me the feeling of being in the water, the floating boyency, the connection with nature, without having to submerge in it. Don't get me wrong, I like to swim (NOT IN THE BAY!! EEW) but I am afraid of water plants and the ocean floor where I can't see it. I prefer to float and be near the water if I can. Strange for a girl that wa born and raised inan ocean town. But I'm afraid of lakes too, so, oh well.

Pondering the universe

Since I undertand the biological need for love among humans, I am tring to understand the point behind being love sick and hanging on beyond nessesity. I know it isn't just me (and Jenny)because there are countless movies and songs devoted to that very idea.

I learned a lot about myself from reading my first journal, this next one oughta be interesting!

Hmm. Maybe I was crazy

Still reading my journals, and I think, now that I've gotten into more juicy stuff, that perhaps I really have grown more than I thought I had.

and I think, I've realized that I just wanted someone to love me, since I wasn't really getting that vibe from my family. Still do, actually, although in a different way, since I know my family loves me now.

There is question as to why I am seeing a counselor. It's because I have a lot of unresolved issues that I feel I need to address. I feel like I need an outside party to help me to help myself. She is not a psychiatrist, or a psychologist, she's a professional that seems to be studying who I am and make suggestions as to how I can overcome my issues. Based on the things that I say, not what a book says. I am well aware that I am a square peg, and I have no interest in fitting into any holes. I think she is helping me to heal. She told me last week that it is ok to be angry. Since my mom always told me I should forgive, it was great hearing that I don't have to. I felt like I had hit a gowing plateau, and I needed help to move on.

Last night

I spent the evening with two of my favorite Canadians...Doug and Bob McKenzie. They're pretty funny, eh?

"I am your father, Luke. Come over to the dark side you knob."

I rewound that part until I remembered it.

Then I watched my bungee jumping video. It was an amusing evening.

Since I don't have any 14 year olds to observe, I thought I could read my old journals. I learned two things. That I still strive to be interesting to people I don't know. (it's sad how many of my entries started with or ended with something to the effect of, "you may not think thi is important, exciting, interesting, etc.) that I have been chasing the ideal man since I was 9 (!!). and that I had a lot more control when I was 15 than I do now. I guess that's three things.

I also learned that since that little girl still lives inside my head, reading my journals does not give an accurate discription of 14 year olds. guess I need a plan C, since movies don't give an accurate portrayal, they are written by adults.

Snicker Worthy

To best understand why the things my admin says are so funny, you have to understand that this is a woman who won't say damn. He father was a minister, she went to a christian college and majored in English and Theology. She's 64.

The following was her response to my boss, who was bugging her about a bag of green leaves whe was sniffing.

"Yes, it is pot. And I'm not sharing. I have my own special pipe too."

The bag was full of fresh spearamint from a friends garden. I left the room giggling. I am glad that my life is filled with laughter.

Forgot

They came and got the goat on Friday. It was bittersweet. He pressed his nose against the car window and cried at me. I miss him. Oh well.

The other twin cracked me up at the party Sat. when he had his first taste of wine. he sputtered, coughed, choked, and spit into his mother's hand. Funny, that's what I do when I drink wine too!

I replied

but I didn't mention the lack of phone call. Thought it less psychotic. Did my best to keep it light.

Another Monday

Speaking of Mondays, hows about we start seeing them as a fresh new day and a great start to a new week instead of our least favorite day because we have to go back to work?

Over the weekend, I didn't do much. I also never heard from T, which causes me to feel hurt and upset, and also angry. The hurt and upset I can take responsibility for because I appears that I expected too much. The anger, I think is justified because he behaved just like most of the other men I have dated in that he said he would call, and then he didn't. I thought he was so much more than that. If he wasn't planning to call, he shouldn't have told me he would. I did manage to get through the weekend without dwelling on it, but today I am. He emailed me this morning, I have not composed my reply. I am glad to hear he is still alive and that everyone is healthy in his world (which is the excuse I gave him for not calling) but I think he needs to know that I am angry, even though I would like to say, as I did with E, that I wouldn't be angry with a "regular" friend for not calling. Which is true, but I also know I need to quit making excuses and allowing men to hurt me.

One good thing about this weekend, I told myself that I was going to start hiking a local mountain every Sunday, and I actually did it! It's two miles round trip, and a pretty steep climb. I was TIRED whe I was done, and I'm a bit sore today, but I think if I keepp it up, I should be in great shape in no time.

New assignment

My new assignment is to study teen agers between 14 and 16 to better understand myself at that age and how I didn't really have the skills to deal with the reponsibilities that were thrust upon me, even though I thought I did.
It was amazing yesterday to really look into how young I was when I started fending for myself. I mean, I knew I was young, but I didn't realize that the process started when I was around 6 (when my mom married my step dad) and that I was more or less responsible for everythng but my dinner by the time I was 9 ish. Don't get me wrong, I had everything a child needs, food, shelter, clothes, a more than healthy dose of dicipline and negative attention...But I was responsible for my breakfast (didn't eat) my lunch, (usually didn't eat, and funny, my family just laughed the day I told them I had a dorrito for lunch. Now I understand how wrong that is) laundry, chores...all the things that I have to deal with as an adult, only now I have bills too. Yesterday I had to tell my counselor that I didn't go to the dentist or doctor from the time I was 9 until I made myself an appointment for a sports physical when I was 14, and a dental cleaning when I was 17.
But one of the things that I didn't realize is that through all that, I had to deal alone with all the emotions that I was having. Crying was not allowed, so I would wait until I went to bed, and cry myself to sleep. I was so angry at my parents, my mom for ignoring me and not standing up for me, and my step dad for being mean, but I wan't allowed to be angry, and as I got older and we left, my mom told me that I needed to forgive my step dad, that it wasn't ok to be angry. The reason this matters now is that I see how I have trouble turning to anyone else for comfort. Anyone else for support. Because I have supported myself emotionally for so long. And I think I need to learn to accept the support of others so that I can be more of a whole person. It felt really good when she told me that it was ok to be angry.

How it went

Last night was nice. We hugged when I arrived (on time, I might add) and then we headed to the restraunt. We chatted and talked about this n that. I learned the hard way that when the menu says "Seared and rare" it means cooked on the outside, raw on the inside. I ate it anyway. He stole the check. I ordered an expensive meal thinking I would be paying for it. But he threatened to take his clothes off if I argued further.
We picked up tea and headed to his place to watch "The Last Samuri" his idea. I was game. We sat on opposite ends of the couch as would be appropriate. When he walked me to my car, it was gone. Towed. So I stayed the night, he on the couch, me on the bed. Had to go get supplies, and he took me to get my car this morning. He offered to pay the fees. Or half the fees, but I didn't let him.
All in all, I feel very good about the evening. It was, as I told myself, Just Dinner. He offered to take me out to dinner (again) to make up for the towing thing. I figure if he wants to find excuses to see me again, that's fine with me, and I can expect a call tonight or tomorrow. The lovely thing about it is that I know he really will call. Does this mean my hopes are up? yes. they are. but i will continue to tell myself it's just dinner unless it turns into something more, but, hey, no expectations, right?

Man, It's been a long time!

Wedding went great. my favorite part of the rehersal was when my littlest sister (two and a half) spit into the holy water font. becuase kids do stuff like that. I didn't let her see me laugh, and yes, she was repremanded for being disrepectful. I don't really think God minds. I think children are funny on purpose.
Favorite part of the wedding was (other than the whole thing) when the bride started singin "goin to the chapel" in the limo and all the bridesmaids joined in. I got goosebumps.
Sunday I did not get sunburned at the beach. Plus it's Red Tide time and if you have never seen it at night, it's gorgeous. I can't explain it, but it's a must see.
Monday my step brother's wedding went great. I accidentally caught the bouquet.
Yesterday I panic-ed because T anounced that he was coming up and would stop by. I know I am supposed to see him tonight anyway, but I panic-ed. He didn't make it, but he did call me to explain why and sounded happy to speak with me. (don't get your hopes up, gina)We also worked out the logistics for tonight.
Last night I played amazing flying gina trying to keep my boy roomie from seeing me in my sports bra and now I have a painful foot and rug burns all over my legs. I think it's funny, wish I had video, as usual.
New coworker started yesterday. I knew I would like her if I could just get to know her.

Has a couple of epiphanies over the holiday.

one. That old people drive slow because they have learned that life is precious and cars can kill ya.

two. That although I like haveing a boyfriend, I like myself better when I am single. So I must not settle for anyone that I do not feel free with. (now to implement that...)