In the moment

Where to begin? Do I begin at work today when my new friend was let go because it turns out he has a rap sheet? Or do I discuss how I was excited about a date tonight? Or how on my way to said date, I called two other fellas, one of whom I had a nice conversation and stuck my foot in my mouth in the end. The other called back while I was on my date as well as another who is a lovely fella too.

Or do I begin where I tried so hard to be on time and ended up 15 minutes early to my meeting. Do I start at the point where I called my date to tell him I was rediculously early only to find out he was going to be late? Sit with me, in your mind, at Loolous, a swanky kind of place with "stainless" trimming, white couches, lime green walls, and a really bad modern art piece accosting my right eye. Think with me about how the bartender was surprised that someone would order SoCo and Seven and then spend 45 minutes calling everyone she can think of so as not to feel like a complete idiot in a bar not really her style. Wonder with me about what is on the other side of the frosted glass wall. And realize that although the situation sucks, it'll make for good blogging later.

In walks my date, who turns out to be more attractive than his pictures. Who is comfortable and interested in my world as I see it (or was it the SoCo haze?Not so much his looks but his interest?) Who didn't seem at all surprised that there was a bathroom on the other side of the frosted wall.

And at the end of the night, at my car, after discussing my life story right down to what happened to C and I (he seemed amazed that we are still friends, despite my insistance that C is a dear friend and I can't imagine life without him, and yes, it took time to get there) when I realized it was time to go and oh my goodness it's the end of the date and people sometimes Kiss at the end of dates, and I panicked and announced that I was feeling very awkward and was going home.

He called me later, to see what that was all about, and I tried to explain while the dads were listening, of course, that I don't date often and didn't know what to do. And I am feeling very embarassed. I emailed him, and explained a little about how I am not used to non casual physical contact, and no I didn't use that exact phrase. I hope I have not made a complete idiot out of myself because I would like to see him again. He was nice. and comfortable.

He said he had wanted to kiss me and might have asked to do so if i hadn't run away. The 14 year old girl who waited too long to make up her mind the first time a boy asked for a kiss? she's still there. If that same boy hadn't snuck up on me a year later, who knows when I would have joined the ranks of smoochers. It still terrifies me, that first step beyond casual aquaintence and admitting you are interested. Since I don't count the drunk river snack, it's been a year since I have dealt with this fear. And the whole thing with Biker Bob? If you remember correctly, he rejected me in so many ways that it's his image that I pull up now, to keep me from being taken for granted again. We were both at fault for so many things, but sometimes, he was cruel. Many times, he undermined my self confidence so badly that I could do little more than beat myself up for allowing him to do it.

And now, I am afraid again. Afraid of first kisses. Afraid of involvement. Afraid of date two.