Thursday, May 31, 2007

More thoughts

After eating to excess this weekend (Johanna was kind enough to point out that I had 4 donuts on Sunday.), all the yummy things that I don't usually eat, (I would have finished the wheat thins if not for the pincher bugs that got in there, making me scream, once again, like a little girl. AND I still would have eaten them but there were two in there. what if they had sex on my wheat thins? What if they laid eggs and the eggs hatched in my belly and they came crawling out my mouth like something off of Creepshow?) I decided that I would place myself on a new eating program. Not a diet, an eating program. a healthier one. I can have all the fresh fruits and veggies I want, of course. And reasonable amounts of meat. Carbs once a day. I'm not sticking hard to that point because most of my carbs come from my sweets habit. I can have one sweet once a day. Which means I choose it carefully and enjoy it more. Do I want cookies or sorbet? soda once a week, which isn't that big of a deal because I am not big on soda anyway. At least one glass of water for every cup of coffee or tea, which, I am cutting the size of my coffee to an 8 oz cup instead of 16. every other day. I don't want to eat after 8 pm (I start looking at bed around 9:30. eating late is not only bad for my metabolism, but it's REALLY bad for my reflux. so I hear.)

I don't want to become one of those people who counts every fat gram, every calorie. I think it takes all the enjoyment out of food. I think it borders on obsession. I think it is unhealthy. Now that I want to change the way I eat, I have become considerably more aware of the foods that are offered out there. Since I am making myself choose carefully my treat, I am seeing the grocery store in a whole new light. And it's not pretty.

Walking through Walmart yesterday, I felt bombarded by unhealthy options. Sugary cereals, donuts, chips jumped at me from every isle. Candy waited for me, beckoned me. Ice cream, soda, cookies, snack cakes all begged me to place them in my basket. And I thought about whether I wanted them. I craved them. I wanted to rip into the package of little debbie snack cakes and just have one. one melt in my mouth confection.

But I knew I didn't really want it. That as soon as it was in my mouth, I would regret every bite. And this is not how I want to have my one treat a day. I want it to be something I truly love. Truly enjoy not something I gobble down in seconds because it was there and I was mildly hungry.

So I resisted. I went home. And I made myself a homeade pizza with broccoli and squash and chicken. And although I wanted to eat the whole thing, I didn't because I really was quite full. And really, I didn't feel like having desert because I was still satified with the cherries and strawberries I had eaten earlier in the day. For lunch, I will have salad. Maybe half a sandwich instead to keep things interesting. definately some soup. I guess I will see when I get there. But I know one thing, having maintained my willpower and skipped my treat yesterday, I feel better about myself already.

In other news,

Monday was my father's birthday. I forget his birthday every year so it surprised me when I heard his voice in my head calling my name as I fell asleep on Monday night. When it happened twice, I sent all the love I could towards him. It's all I can do. I mentioned it my my sister, who reminded me that it had been his birthday. I pray that he just missed us on that day. Because he usually only calls when he needs something. And I know in my heart that he needs me.
I still don't know where he is. It hurts me deeply that we are estranged, a descriptor I never thought I would use to describe one of my family members. I saw a van parked this morning on my way to work and wondered if it was his. It was obvious that someone was living in it. and yes, it was pretty close to the river.
Every time the Bubble phone rings, and it's a hang up call, I wonder if it's him just calling to hear my voice. How do you reconsile yourself with your daughters when thy have lost faith in you? Does he even really want a relationship with us? He tells his friends we are important to him. I'm sure somewhere in his mind we are. I'm sure he has all sorts of justifications for the way things have turned out. Daddy, I think of you every day. I love you and miss you. I'm sorry that I can only hope to contact you psychically. I hope the universe delivered my love for you. I hope you were flooded, as I intended, with it. I wish I could have hugged you for real on your 54th birthday.

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