Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Just let me be me

Generally, the face I present on any given day is mine. I have grown to accept who I am and I like me. if I come across a trait I don't like, I try to remember to change it. Sure, it is rare that any one person outside of my family and close friends knows me well, but I like to pretend that is part of my allure. And, if you pay any attention to me at all, you know that I'm pretty open.

Most people just don't pay attention.

Last night I went out with the Starbucks crew. I was torn about going because I love being at home so much, but I said I would go and I knew if I went that I would have a good time. And I did.

A couple of things bothered me greatly.

I took my knitting with me, knowing that I would have to wait for people to arrive (I did) and likely a table (we did) I knit, and chatted with the delightful hostess until my group arrived, and then I continued to chat with everyone while we waited for a table. I don't like waiting, and I don't like sitting still. Crafting has become my answer for this problem when reading or sleeping is not an option. Trust me, people get really uncomfortable when I get antsy and start pacing. When we arrived at the table, I proceeded to finish my row so that I could put it away.

From the other end of the table, Wayne yells at me to put away my knitting. He says I'm not 80. I flipped him off, finished my row, and put away my yarn. He announced that he was very impressed with my use of sign language (in different words of course) so I did it again and went back to my conversation.

I generally use profanity sparingly. Mostly because I tend to be at work or in front of children where I don't feel it appropriate to yell "FUCK" across the room. I tend to replace foul language with terms that are more acceptable. FFFFUDGE! or FFFFFOR PETES SAKE, or more recently, CRUMBS!!. I don't know where that last one came from, except it's frustrating when I get crumbs everywhere. I guess my point is, that I am nearing 30. I should not be applauded for my use of profanity. In fact, should I choose to use it, I don't think it should be remarked upon at all.

Partway through my second Mango Margarita, Wayne yells from the other end of the table, "Hey Gina! I'm really proud of you! You're drinking!" to which I replied, "Oh, get over it Wayne, you've seen me drink, and, by the way this is my second one so shut up" and I offered up an example if a time when I not only drank in his presence, but he bought me the drinks.

I don't drink often. I might occationally have one if I feel like it, or if I am out, I might have two if I feel like I can handle it and still go home. I don't think it is cause to celebrate or something worthy of note. I am an adult, if I choose to have a drink, it is my right to do so. Personally? I think it is more something to be applauded when a person can go out and NOT have a drink or 4. I don't drink because I want to get drunk, (usually) I drink bacause Mango Margaritas are yummy.

Aside from Wayne, the girls were also encouraging me to get drunk and party with them. I told them I have to be at work early, but they didn't care. This is behavior I can expect from ladies their age and it didn't really bother me. I hope as they grow more mature that they come to understand that some people don't want to get drunk all the time.

There are two big reasons that I don't drink very much or very often. One is that there us a strong history of drug and alcohol abuse in my family. I have one parent who is a drug addict and another who, if she is not borderline, then she is an unadmittted alchoholic. Her mother is an alcoholic (who, I am very proud to say, has not had a drink in several years. And she has never felt better. Way to go Grandma!) My Seester and I looked at ourselves one day several years ago when we were sharing drinking stories and realized that we should be careful. We promised each other to say something if one of us was getting out of control. Sometimes, that small amount of support is all you need when you admit there could be a problem in the future. The other reason I don't drink often, is that I feel that I have a responsibility to my employer to show up to work ready and able to work. Hangovers are a bitch. So is getting very little sleep. I have enough trouble concentrating without adding a case of the spins and the pervasive scent of alcohol oozing from my pores. ugh. I have learned that I don't need chemicals to have a good time. I like me this way.

For some reason, the topic of my sex life came up. Xtina announced that she is going to start a Rabbit fund for me. I tried to explain that I am not interested in adult toys. She wouldn't back down. a rowdy conversation about adult toys followed. I explained that I have owned them and never used them (Bunco Prizes). I won't go into details, but I just don't like the idea of them for me. Other people can have them all they want. They also told me that I "need to get laid". Since when is that a need? They encouraged me (everyone but the good girls at the table who are waiting until they get married) to go out and find some young guy.

Frankly, I don't understand why people don't get that I am happy. Would it be nice to have someone special in my world? yeah. but I want him to be just that. special. Otherwise, it just isn't worth it. Not worth the frustration of having someone around I would rather not hang with. Not worth the time spent developing something wher there isn't a future. I did that already. Too many times. So no, Bug Guy, I don't really want you to find me a husband. And no, Starbucks crew, I don't "need to go get laid" what I need is to continue to develop myself as a person so that I can be a good partner when the right person comes along.

Time wasting aside, we live in a world where casual sex just isn't safe. Drug resistant strains of transmittable diseases pop up constantly. AIDS is a reality no matter what your age, gender or orientation. for heaven sakes, Herpes. The gift that keeps on giving. NO THANKS. Am I afraid to get out there? yeah. can you blame me? I don't care to be promiscuous. I would much rather "go without". So no more wisecracks about not getting any. apparently, people take me seriously.

No wonder I generally would rather just stay at home.

Saturday, a bunch of the crew are going to the beach to play with Wayne's Snooba. It's a scuba tank on a float with a tube and a regualtor. That way you can "dive" without all the gear. I don't dive. I don't want to dive. I don't want to snooba. Being underwater hurts my ears since they do not pressurize properly, and I don't like breating compressed air. Or through a tube. Snorkling is a struggle for me. Teh only way I will go is with MY snorkle which has a valve on top to keep the water from coming in.

I'm thinking about whether I want to go. It would be fun to go snorkle around and spend the day at the beach. I haven't done that in a long time. It would be fun to spend time with Allison, Steven, and Shaylyn (the "good" kids) I do have fun with the others. But do I really want to spend time with Wayne based on the way he has been treating me lately? Do I really want to hang out with someone who continuously makes fun of me in public for being who I am? So I really want him to see me in my bikini?

I'm torn. I told Steven (who asked me if I was going Saturday, which really made me happy) that my attendance would depend on the mood I am in when I wake up on Saturday. Whether I "feel" like going. So I left myself an out for once. I'm glad I have all week to consider it because I really want to make the right decision for me.


Sensei Ern said...

Good for you, GM! Stand up for yourself!

You are not alone inthe being told "You need to get laid". A comedian friend...who left his long term girlfriend a couple months ago, after she told him to get out, and when he said, "OK" and turned to leave, she pulled a knife on him so he wouldn't, stabbed him in the arm...was told the same thing by a couple bloggers.

Getting laid is not the solution to anything. Taking care of one's self works better, for a myriad of reasons, the ones you listed plus you never have to feel used.

However, if you do feel the need to have a one night stand, go find a fifty year old that you otherwise wouldn't consider. First, they probably don't have a disease if no one else would sleep with them either.

Since they aren't used up, they'll have more staying power. They will be a lot more attentive to you than a young steroid-laced stud who lines up women like clay ducks at a carnival shooting game.

Plus, if the preventitive measures fail, an older man will more likely be responsible, have a larger cash reserve to sift from, and won't be around as long when you get tired of him. Just choose from the better off, as opposed to the skid row drunk.

Beyond that, if it is just a one nighter, you will be giving a man who otherwise had no self-esteem a huge and sorely needed ego boost.

All of that was in jest, as I truly believe that sharing ones sexual relation should be reserved for the one you feel you can spend the rest of your life with.

As to the drinking and snorkling, remember, it is all fun and games until someone drowns, either in saltwater, or in their own vomit.

Not So Anonymous Michelle said...

Kudos for the finger, well deserved if you ask me! Keep knitting, don't let the others get to you about the whole "gotta get laid, gotta get a rabbit"! Sounds like you know just what you want, you're not afraid to wait for the right guy and there's no shame in that!

Gary said...

That Wayne is a pain. Hey, I made a rhyme. I must be a poet. :)

I think you are a well grounded person. I think all these people who are nudging you are out of line, but I guess they mean well. I think you will just have to decide on a case by case basis when it is worth the hassle to go out with them.

Ginamonster said...

Sensei, eew! I think that phrase is considered acceptable among friends. I don't think that makes it polite. I can joke about these things, but when you start making plans for my next adult toy, I get a little peeved. There were 12 of us at the table. Not a conversation I think is appropriate for large groups. And you're right. It isn't a solution, and I don't want to feel used. I felt that way with Biker Bob. I don't want to revisit that, I have more worth.

michelle, no one can stop me from doing the things that make me happy. Knitting is on that list. And than you, I would rather be alone than settle for the sake of being with someone, as I fear so many do.

Gary, I love your poetry. And yes, I know they mean well. And it heps to remind me, when I am tempted to tell people how they should live thier life, that they might have a plan, and they might not need my "advice"