It doesn't matter how wonderful a guy is, it doesn't matter how much attention he gives me, how much time he spends snuggling with me or how many times he tells me I am beautiful. He's gonna hurt my fragile ego, and I am going to cry. We will call it inevitable tears, and, I think if I ever write a book, that shall be the title.
I shed my first (and only) tear last night. It was a good one too. Welled up slowly. Sat for a long time in the hollow between my eye and nose. (I was laying on my side) slowly made it's way across the bridge of my nose, through the other eye, and onto my pillow. Poor BF. He asked if something was wrong and I said "nothing". (number two!! A voice boomed into my head and I immediately reminded myself that I swore I wouldn't lie to him again, that I would communicate like an adult instead of making him feel like he had done something wrong when really, he didn't) You cannot lie to a sensitive, he knew there was something wrong, but how could I explain?
How do I say that when he commented that I was being "lovey dovey" I heard, "you're being awfully loving for a person I'm just sleeping with". My answer was that sometimes I just get like that. I am not a clingy woman. I do not indulge in PDA's. Actually, I rarely initiate any sort of physical contact. One day I will list all the times men I have been dating have refused my attention. This makes me very gun shy. Over sensitive. Apt to take any comment about said attentions the wrong way unless it's something like "hey, gimme more of that lovin!"
That he knew something was wrong broke my heart more. But I couldn't force myself to tell him, "it's not you, it's me". I cannot ask him to fix something when it is me that is broken and only security can fix it. But that takes time. So much time, and I fear that he will stop trusting me if I always say "nothing" when he knows it's something.
Aside from the enormous crack in my soul, it certainly is a beautiful day, and when BF came by work, (I had forgotten he was supposed to come by) it was such a pleasant surprise. If I can fix this gaping hole where my self esteem should be...
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Every Day Stuff
The kitchen sink at my house is clogged so I have been filling a dish pan and dumping it out instaed of allowing water to drain. Ah, country life. When I told my boss about it, he had the following to say:
"Eew, your throwing out the chunks too!"
"Yes." I replied, "The bugs will eat them"
"The bugs will eat the soap, and it will kill them"
"oh yeah."
He then proceeded to tell me all about how the food would form a quivering jelly-like mass in the back yard. Then it will be hit by lightning and form the blob. The blob will then go about eating everything. Between the two of us, we decided that it whould be translucent and you would be able to see all the stuff it had consumed. I said "eew" and he had a good giggle.
Made a meatloaf for the BF last night. I think I overcooked it, but he and BoyRoomate didn't complain. GirlRoomate did not come home. I think she is avoiding the place since she had a run in with out housemate "Tom". Either that or she found a man. I am not going to discount either theory because well, they could actually both be true! I know I was gone all weekend, but I have not seen her since last week. I miss her! I was going to send her a text message, but I left my phone at home.
Something wrong with the concept of Meatloaf. It's a loaf. of meat. Sure, you spice it, add some egg and oatmeal. Squirt on some katsup. but even with swirly little katsup designs, it's still a loaf. of meat. Man it sure does taste good.
"Eew, your throwing out the chunks too!"
"Yes." I replied, "The bugs will eat them"
"The bugs will eat the soap, and it will kill them"
"oh yeah."
He then proceeded to tell me all about how the food would form a quivering jelly-like mass in the back yard. Then it will be hit by lightning and form the blob. The blob will then go about eating everything. Between the two of us, we decided that it whould be translucent and you would be able to see all the stuff it had consumed. I said "eew" and he had a good giggle.
Made a meatloaf for the BF last night. I think I overcooked it, but he and BoyRoomate didn't complain. GirlRoomate did not come home. I think she is avoiding the place since she had a run in with out housemate "Tom". Either that or she found a man. I am not going to discount either theory because well, they could actually both be true! I know I was gone all weekend, but I have not seen her since last week. I miss her! I was going to send her a text message, but I left my phone at home.
Something wrong with the concept of Meatloaf. It's a loaf. of meat. Sure, you spice it, add some egg and oatmeal. Squirt on some katsup. but even with swirly little katsup designs, it's still a loaf. of meat. Man it sure does taste good.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Domesticated
My boys tell me I've gone domestic. Domesticated they call me, like some wild animal tamed into someone's home. I argue, but I fear they may be right. They tell me I "used to be fun". I really don't see how I am any different than the person they knew. Every so often I still let out the monster in me.
These are no longer the high school days of no responsibility. I have bills to pay. I have to be at work at 7 am and while I don't think mine is the most exciting job ever, it pays well. Sure, I'm out of the cabinet shop, and I do miss that job, but we all have to move forward in our careers, even if we don't know what our career will be.
A part of me misses the weekends wasted in hangover hell rehashing stories of the guy in TJ I was smooching on. I'm still a bit proud of the time I peed in a parking lot. But since that was the highlight of my last frightening night in Mexico, I don't want to relive it.
It's almost as though you have two different people in me. You have the one who wants to be respectable, the one who desires to be thought of as a role model of grace. And the one who will rip her shirt off in the middle of a party because dammmit, it's fucking HOT in here. (this act prompted quite a bit of topless mayhem in what has been declared the greatest, wildest party in group history)
I guess I am just considering life at the moment. Pondering who I really am. And really, I think I would rather be multifaceted. Keep them guessing. Be able to go from knitting to pudding wrestling in an hour. The kind of friends I want will love that about me. So in a couple of hours, I really can look forward to cooking BF up a nice hearty meatloaf.
These are no longer the high school days of no responsibility. I have bills to pay. I have to be at work at 7 am and while I don't think mine is the most exciting job ever, it pays well. Sure, I'm out of the cabinet shop, and I do miss that job, but we all have to move forward in our careers, even if we don't know what our career will be.
A part of me misses the weekends wasted in hangover hell rehashing stories of the guy in TJ I was smooching on. I'm still a bit proud of the time I peed in a parking lot. But since that was the highlight of my last frightening night in Mexico, I don't want to relive it.
It's almost as though you have two different people in me. You have the one who wants to be respectable, the one who desires to be thought of as a role model of grace. And the one who will rip her shirt off in the middle of a party because dammmit, it's fucking HOT in here. (this act prompted quite a bit of topless mayhem in what has been declared the greatest, wildest party in group history)
I guess I am just considering life at the moment. Pondering who I really am. And really, I think I would rather be multifaceted. Keep them guessing. Be able to go from knitting to pudding wrestling in an hour. The kind of friends I want will love that about me. So in a couple of hours, I really can look forward to cooking BF up a nice hearty meatloaf.
Monday, March 28, 2005
argh!
Have I mentioned yet my favorite pet peeve? the one where people use their phones in the bathroom?
I have a difficult enough time using a public restroom. I don't like people to hear my private business. Actually, call me silly, I don't like people to know I conduct that sort of business. I mean, we all know we all do it, do we really need to talk about it? Among close friends is one thing, but I really need to know you for at least 10 minutes before I'll talk potty, and I don't care if I have been sleeping with you for years, I WON'T go for the tandem tinkle. I need some private moments.
I realize that the advent of cell phones allows us to have conversations in places that we would not normally be able to conduct business. On the golf course. Hiking. in the car. But not the bathroom! I don't want the person you are talking to to hear my body noises. I don't think they want to hear mine, or yours for that matter. Have you ever been on the phone with someone and heard them flush?
Whatever it is you are saying can wait a couple of minutes until you walk out of the bathroom. Finish drying your hands and walk out before you dial! I won't answer in the "Library". It's no wonder we are an over stressed society if we won't stop business for 5 minutes while we eliminate. Funny, they will put phone disrupters in churches, but they won't put them in restrooms.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a less exciting note, I had a great weekend. I spent the whole time with Boyfriend, we mostly napped. yes. napped. because we are old fuddyduddies at 30 (ish) well. he's 30 I'm not. I still have a couple more years. make that a few. a few is more than a couple right? I mean, I don't have to be 30 yet do I?
Friday, coworker came over for a chat. A long chat. I would have liked to have been blogging. or working. It was a nice chat. Then he leaned over my dutch door for a hug. and kissed my cheek. And mentioned that next time it would be nice if there wasn't a door between us. I, however, am glad there was a door between us and his kiss made me feel icky, and just who does he think he is being familliar with me like that? Then yesterday, he sent a "happy easter" message, which would have been fine except that he doesn't exactly call regularly so I can't help but question his motives. Maybe I am overreacting. But in all honesty, I don't usually overreact.
I have a difficult enough time using a public restroom. I don't like people to hear my private business. Actually, call me silly, I don't like people to know I conduct that sort of business. I mean, we all know we all do it, do we really need to talk about it? Among close friends is one thing, but I really need to know you for at least 10 minutes before I'll talk potty, and I don't care if I have been sleeping with you for years, I WON'T go for the tandem tinkle. I need some private moments.
I realize that the advent of cell phones allows us to have conversations in places that we would not normally be able to conduct business. On the golf course. Hiking. in the car. But not the bathroom! I don't want the person you are talking to to hear my body noises. I don't think they want to hear mine, or yours for that matter. Have you ever been on the phone with someone and heard them flush?
Whatever it is you are saying can wait a couple of minutes until you walk out of the bathroom. Finish drying your hands and walk out before you dial! I won't answer in the "Library". It's no wonder we are an over stressed society if we won't stop business for 5 minutes while we eliminate. Funny, they will put phone disrupters in churches, but they won't put them in restrooms.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a less exciting note, I had a great weekend. I spent the whole time with Boyfriend, we mostly napped. yes. napped. because we are old fuddyduddies at 30 (ish) well. he's 30 I'm not. I still have a couple more years. make that a few. a few is more than a couple right? I mean, I don't have to be 30 yet do I?
Friday, coworker came over for a chat. A long chat. I would have liked to have been blogging. or working. It was a nice chat. Then he leaned over my dutch door for a hug. and kissed my cheek. And mentioned that next time it would be nice if there wasn't a door between us. I, however, am glad there was a door between us and his kiss made me feel icky, and just who does he think he is being familliar with me like that? Then yesterday, he sent a "happy easter" message, which would have been fine except that he doesn't exactly call regularly so I can't help but question his motives. Maybe I am overreacting. But in all honesty, I don't usually overreact.
Friday, March 25, 2005
Poor little chichi
OW! I burned my left breast with my curling iron this morning. I would like to say that that's what I get for curling my hair while I am nakid, but really I would rather declare a day of mourning for the disfigurement of Leftie among all the members of the PDCC.
Having trouble shaking this cough, and now Boyfriend is sick too. I think he won't get as sick as me though. Nyquil has stopped working. so has cough meds. Last night I coughed so hard that my nyquil came back for a visit. gross. That was fun.
Almost forgot to mention that my mom ran in to "E" the other day. I had almost gone to his store, but I chickened out. He asked how I was ad they chatted for awhile. I know I need to go in there (because it's one of my favorite stores!) and also because I really don't like the way I handled all that. He really is such a wonderful person. I hope that we can be friends.
Having trouble shaking this cough, and now Boyfriend is sick too. I think he won't get as sick as me though. Nyquil has stopped working. so has cough meds. Last night I coughed so hard that my nyquil came back for a visit. gross. That was fun.
Almost forgot to mention that my mom ran in to "E" the other day. I had almost gone to his store, but I chickened out. He asked how I was ad they chatted for awhile. I know I need to go in there (because it's one of my favorite stores!) and also because I really don't like the way I handled all that. He really is such a wonderful person. I hope that we can be friends.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
I took the quiz.
Boyfriend tells me I seem uptight and uncomfortable even though he knows I am not like that. I told him it takes me time to get comfortable with someone, that indeed, although he says I am not shy, he has not seen the full extent of the person that I am. I probably would not have noticed this about myself, but since he points it out, I must agree. It occurrs to me that whatever barriers are between us now are mine. He is comfortable showing me the person that he is. I like that person.
Is it ok to tell him that the last time I got comfortable with someone I ended up losing everything? I know that this time, I have nothing to lose, except perhaps my sanity and that, of course, is questionable. When is it ok, in a relationship, to share your past? your hurts and issues? I don't want to talk too much about it and turn him off, chase him away, because I would have no one to blame but myself and to quote my dad, "he's a keeper". I don't think he is giong anywhere since he offered me a key to his apartment (If I want. I told him it was up to him) but keys don't mean forever and a smart man won't deal with distant very long unless he is in love, and are we too new for me to be having these questions? We're a month into knowing each other and 4 days into our "relationship" and perhaps it might all be moving quick enough for me to be a little scared of the outcome. Who am I kidding? I am always scared of the outcome. Frightened to let anyone get too close. perhaps those are the things I should be sharing with him.
Oy. two funny spots on the same day.
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Mother Plucker
I haven't mentioned my bird, which is strange because I think she's just great. I can talk about her all day.
Baby is a 13 year old African Grey Parrot. She's a plucker. but that I mean that she has pulled out over half her feathers. Crazy little thing. We found her the other day, she had pulled out a wing feather and was using it to scratch her head. Anyone who says that sapiens are the only tool users have never met Baby.
A foul mouthed little critter (I adopted her about 6 months ago and as long as she isn't cursing in MY voice, I can say she didn't learn it from me), she told my roomate the other day to go to hell and die. Since she came home to the new house, she has learned a bit of Merle Haggart and my roomate's name.
Smart too. She laughs at the funny parts of movies. She'll say goodbye when you leave, and goodnight when you cover her. She snorts like a pig and farts like a, well, I don't know who farts like that, but she will say "pardon me" so I guess she's polite.
In general, she doesn't like men. But she is most likely to imitate them. She does seem to like Boyfriend. I thought she liked me, but last night she took a huge bite out of my upper lip. She didn't even say "ow", she just glared at me. So here I am with beak marks, cleaning up with HO2 when Boyfriend gets there just in time to laugh at me for getting my face too close.
I guess I will have to make nicy nice when I get home.
Baby is a 13 year old African Grey Parrot. She's a plucker. but that I mean that she has pulled out over half her feathers. Crazy little thing. We found her the other day, she had pulled out a wing feather and was using it to scratch her head. Anyone who says that sapiens are the only tool users have never met Baby.
A foul mouthed little critter (I adopted her about 6 months ago and as long as she isn't cursing in MY voice, I can say she didn't learn it from me), she told my roomate the other day to go to hell and die. Since she came home to the new house, she has learned a bit of Merle Haggart and my roomate's name.
Smart too. She laughs at the funny parts of movies. She'll say goodbye when you leave, and goodnight when you cover her. She snorts like a pig and farts like a, well, I don't know who farts like that, but she will say "pardon me" so I guess she's polite.
In general, she doesn't like men. But she is most likely to imitate them. She does seem to like Boyfriend. I thought she liked me, but last night she took a huge bite out of my upper lip. She didn't even say "ow", she just glared at me. So here I am with beak marks, cleaning up with HO2 when Boyfriend gets there just in time to laugh at me for getting my face too close.
I guess I will have to make nicy nice when I get home.
Monday, March 21, 2005
Glorious Monday
Had a bang up busy weekend. threw a suprise party at the new place for my mom who turned 50. It was Ballerina themed and I decorated with pink tulle and streamers. Actually, I made my roomate and siblings do the decorating. It looked marvelous.
I was exceptionally dissapointed by the fact that there is a lack of Ballerina themed decor out there for purchase. apparently, it is no longer cool to want to be a ballerina. Having known some ballet dancers in my time, I have to say that although they freak at the idea of not being able to fit ito thier tutus after summer, the oneI know best does spend her entire off season happily drunk by the poolside and travelling to Vegas. Who would't want to do that for a living? This may have changed since the last time I saw her, she's part of "C's" world. so back to my rant, Apparently, little girls no longer want to be ballerinas, they would rather look like the Bratz, which, aside from the terrible injury they do the to english language, have ginormous heads and lips and are doing thier best to replace Barbie. Yes, these platform booted ho-bags are trying to oust the blonde babe herself who has already suffered the indigninty of a boob reduction and waist enlargement to better serve those who need to complain about idealizing women. As a member of the exculsive "perky D cup club" (all natrual baby) which I just invented and declared myself president of, I say that Barbie no longer represents me. But I still stand behind her. She's held every job imaginable and smiles through it all. She does, or doesn't need Ken. Which, I have to say, makes her the ultimate luckyspinster, which, by the way, since I don't know how to link to it, is a blog and website you HAVE to visit because it's great.
So I call on all of yo, who stand behind the Barbie to avoid those inner city fur bedecked Bratz and support Babs who, by the way looks FANTASTIC for her age.
all hail the PDCC. I am actively soliciting new members.
Had "the talk" with Mr Now and therefore he has been promoted to the official current Boyfriend. how strange it is to me to have a Boyfriend. Especially since I really feel as though he is the first "man" I have ever dated. It's hard to explain. I guess you would have to know my history. If you do, you know what I am talking about. I've always chased boys. the one's with the baby face. this one is a man. weird. He spent all day Saturday catering to my every need. he cleaned up the kitchen. he promised to fix the sink. he laughed and joked with my friends. My family likes him. At least, my mom says they do. He had an accurate count of how many weeks we have been seeing each other. I don't even have that I and I count everything! But I can't help but look at him and think. He's my Boyfriend. how strange that is. I'm sure I will get used to it. Actually, I'm looking forward to it.
I was exceptionally dissapointed by the fact that there is a lack of Ballerina themed decor out there for purchase. apparently, it is no longer cool to want to be a ballerina. Having known some ballet dancers in my time, I have to say that although they freak at the idea of not being able to fit ito thier tutus after summer, the oneI know best does spend her entire off season happily drunk by the poolside and travelling to Vegas. Who would't want to do that for a living? This may have changed since the last time I saw her, she's part of "C's" world. so back to my rant, Apparently, little girls no longer want to be ballerinas, they would rather look like the Bratz, which, aside from the terrible injury they do the to english language, have ginormous heads and lips and are doing thier best to replace Barbie. Yes, these platform booted ho-bags are trying to oust the blonde babe herself who has already suffered the indigninty of a boob reduction and waist enlargement to better serve those who need to complain about idealizing women. As a member of the exculsive "perky D cup club" (all natrual baby) which I just invented and declared myself president of, I say that Barbie no longer represents me. But I still stand behind her. She's held every job imaginable and smiles through it all. She does, or doesn't need Ken. Which, I have to say, makes her the ultimate luckyspinster, which, by the way, since I don't know how to link to it, is a blog and website you HAVE to visit because it's great.
So I call on all of yo, who stand behind the Barbie to avoid those inner city fur bedecked Bratz and support Babs who, by the way looks FANTASTIC for her age.
all hail the PDCC. I am actively soliciting new members.
Had "the talk" with Mr Now and therefore he has been promoted to the official current Boyfriend. how strange it is to me to have a Boyfriend. Especially since I really feel as though he is the first "man" I have ever dated. It's hard to explain. I guess you would have to know my history. If you do, you know what I am talking about. I've always chased boys. the one's with the baby face. this one is a man. weird. He spent all day Saturday catering to my every need. he cleaned up the kitchen. he promised to fix the sink. he laughed and joked with my friends. My family likes him. At least, my mom says they do. He had an accurate count of how many weeks we have been seeing each other. I don't even have that I and I count everything! But I can't help but look at him and think. He's my Boyfriend. how strange that is. I'm sure I will get used to it. Actually, I'm looking forward to it.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Epiphany
Suddenly, today, I realized that I no longer desire to be famous. or known. Once, I did. I just didn't know what would take me there. I like public speaking, I do sing, although I have developed a nasty case of stage fright. I just always knew that I would make some huge difference in the world.
I think it may be that for this moment, and I pray that it is not brief, I am satisfied with my life. Sure, I have my issues and mini dramas, but honestly, at this moment in time, I don't feel like I need anything more than what I have. It feels really good. what does that have to do with fame and fortune? I am not sure. I think I just wanted to feel important and recognised. Like I am more than just a face in the crowd, someone more important than everyone else. Someone loved.
I don't think I need it from them anymore. I have it from myself. Wow. Please, please let this last forever.
I think it may be that for this moment, and I pray that it is not brief, I am satisfied with my life. Sure, I have my issues and mini dramas, but honestly, at this moment in time, I don't feel like I need anything more than what I have. It feels really good. what does that have to do with fame and fortune? I am not sure. I think I just wanted to feel important and recognised. Like I am more than just a face in the crowd, someone more important than everyone else. Someone loved.
I don't think I need it from them anymore. I have it from myself. Wow. Please, please let this last forever.
Monday, March 14, 2005
Another Brag Fest
I really think that Mr Now is rapidly approaching Mr Wonderful although I am aware that we have only been dating for a month and I KNOW he is still on his best behavior. I know this because I met his friends last night and I listened to the things they said. I won't tell you what they said, but I still don't think his bad behavior will be that bad. Only time will tell. Goodness knows, I have met "Mr Wonderful" before.
However, this is how I have come to this conclusion.
However, this is how I have come to this conclusion.
- Saturday, he came over and worked in my yard. I didn't ask, he just did. With his shirt off. NICE!
- We went on an oddessy together to try and find ingredients for my Herb garden.
- He wants to build a slip n slide for my roomate. When I said he would be her new hero and she might go about trying to steal his affections, he replied that his affections were not available for theft or purchase. She wouldn't really do that. The fact that he wants to build her a slip n slide is what get me.
- He took care of me when I had a headache.
- He's playful. and sweet. I like his personality.
I'm gong to make myself puke if I don't quit.
Friday, March 11, 2005
Plague
So I have been plagued, the last couple of days, by ex boyfriends. No, they have not been calling, merely residue pooping up unexpectedly. Perhaps it has something karmicly to do with the opening of the X box and sharing of pictures the other day. I do go into the X box periodically, but rarely is there anyone there to see the pictures. Hmm. Interesting.
Meanwhile, Tuesday, I was inoccently working when my cell rang. unfamilliar number. I answered, and it was "C's" mom. who I love and miss terribly. She had a massage lead for me. She didn't know that last year's tramas took me out of the field permenantly. I wonder what else he has not told her. Does she know we are no longer on speaking terms? Then, I remembered that Tuesday was his birthday. The temptation to email a birthday message was strong, but I overcame it. After all, I told him he wouldn't hear from me again. But it did put me in a funk.
Wednesday I recieved a call from my friend Sara who had just spken with "E". He mentioned a cramp in his neck, she mentioned me. His reply was "She called me two minutes before my shift and told me we shouldn't see each other anymore". I filled Sara in my my side. But I guess that means he has no idea what he did incorrectly where I was concerned. I am so tempted to peek at his blog to see if he even mentioned the incedent and to see what people had to say, but after last time, I know it would be a mistake. better to concentrate on the future with Mr Now.
Last night I went to the video store to get a DVD for Mr Now and I to watch. (Ray is a good movie. I wouldn't suggest the extended version, it is not well spliced) Apparently, "D's" info was still on my account. as the primary person. That has not come up at all in the past few months since I started renting again. I was suprised. talk about flashbacks from 4 years ago. So I switched it all over to my name. If he has a problem with that, he can call me. I doubt he will. I imagine he'll tell me not to worry about it when I tell him about it. (we're still on good terms.)
I never mentioned a conversation about hairdryers that happened between Mr Now and I. He doesn't have one. so he suggested that I try sticking my head in the oven...(I don't think he knew why I thought that was a great idea, but you do, so you can laugh with me) He was kidding too, of course.
Meanwhile, Tuesday, I was inoccently working when my cell rang. unfamilliar number. I answered, and it was "C's" mom. who I love and miss terribly. She had a massage lead for me. She didn't know that last year's tramas took me out of the field permenantly. I wonder what else he has not told her. Does she know we are no longer on speaking terms? Then, I remembered that Tuesday was his birthday. The temptation to email a birthday message was strong, but I overcame it. After all, I told him he wouldn't hear from me again. But it did put me in a funk.
Wednesday I recieved a call from my friend Sara who had just spken with "E". He mentioned a cramp in his neck, she mentioned me. His reply was "She called me two minutes before my shift and told me we shouldn't see each other anymore". I filled Sara in my my side. But I guess that means he has no idea what he did incorrectly where I was concerned. I am so tempted to peek at his blog to see if he even mentioned the incedent and to see what people had to say, but after last time, I know it would be a mistake. better to concentrate on the future with Mr Now.
Last night I went to the video store to get a DVD for Mr Now and I to watch. (Ray is a good movie. I wouldn't suggest the extended version, it is not well spliced) Apparently, "D's" info was still on my account. as the primary person. That has not come up at all in the past few months since I started renting again. I was suprised. talk about flashbacks from 4 years ago. So I switched it all over to my name. If he has a problem with that, he can call me. I doubt he will. I imagine he'll tell me not to worry about it when I tell him about it. (we're still on good terms.)
I never mentioned a conversation about hairdryers that happened between Mr Now and I. He doesn't have one. so he suggested that I try sticking my head in the oven...(I don't think he knew why I thought that was a great idea, but you do, so you can laugh with me) He was kidding too, of course.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Prom
I was checking out my favorite blogs today, and stopped first at TequilaMockingbird (I always start at the bottom of my alphabetical favorites list) Her latest is about how she is not posting about her prom(s). Here is the link: http://tequilamockingbird.blogspot.com/2005_03_01_tequilamockingbird_archive.html#111030465952750788
I, however, will admit to shamelessly discussing my prom because, it's funny. Not as dramatic as hers, or some of the stories in her comments, but a little piece of me either way. Also, I found pictures from my prom while I unpacked last night. We had a good laugh. I am still good friends with my prom date, so it's funny to see how he, and his twin have changed.
So I'm a sophomore and rumor has it that one of the cutest guys in school is going to ask me to the dance. I thought it was whatever spring dance was coming up. I was wrong, so imagine my surprise when he asked me to Prom. PROM! I picked the perfect dress. (it was fuschia. I had matching heels) I made it clear that at 15, I was not ready for sex. (When did I lose my ability to say no?) My mom liked him, I liked him. He picked me up in a limo. We ate at a nice restraunt. Prom was lovely (except I was too shy to dance much and I kicked him in the shin doing the twist) I had to be home by two. Kiss goodnight, I think that was the end of any sort of "relationship" we remained friends although I carried a torch for many years. Yes, Tequila, I still have my embossed wine glass.
Fast forward two years to my prom. I got asked. By a guy with green teeth. I found a reason not to go with him. It was a good reason, although I'm pretty sure he saw through it. I asked a guy I had recently become reacquainted with. He never answered. I finally had to call him and demand an answer. He declined. So I called up prom date number 1 and asked him. He agreed to go. Hooray!
Our class did not have very much money, so my prom was on a Friday. I went to school in sponge curlers, envisioning long luxurious curls. My mom got me out early. When the curlers came out, I had the most impressive golden afro. My date showed up feeling dashing because he hadn't shaved in a day or two. Went to an expensive restraunt where I ran out of money and my date had to help. (so embarrassed! He was cool about it). We arrived at the dance took pictures (the curls had relaxed by then) and my date disappeared. I wandered around looking for him for a little while, asking everyone I met "have you seen my date?".
No one had so I turned my corsage into an armband and my friend Stewart and I were the first on the floor. After all, this prom wasn't about him, it was about me!! I found him later, he had been picking up on other women. I wasn't angry, he paid more attention to me after that. I am glad now that I didn't let anything get in the way of having a good time. The After Prom Event (I was not a drinker) was additional fun. Then we went to Dennys till dawn. Off to my Friend Tammy's house where her parents cooked us all breakfast, and I was home by 7 am. No kiss good night this time, and I still wasn't giving it up. (No wonder the date went looking for it elsewhere)
I have to say, I had the best time. I would like to know if I still fit into my prom dress. (the second one. I grew out of the first one LONG ago!) I would actually like to wear it to my ten year reunion coming up in June. I doubt I will though. It's just funny to think about it.
The prom date apologized several months ago for the way he acted. He said he was going through a lot back then. I had forgiven him long ago, and now I think it's funny that my prom date was picking up on other women. We're good friends now. And I wouldn't trade that for all the after prom kisses in the world.
BTW, in the spirit of prom gifts, I can say this, that at my senior prom, they did not want to encourage underage drinking, so they did not allow the wine glasses I got from the first prom. Nope. They gave us all beer mugs instead.
I, however, will admit to shamelessly discussing my prom because, it's funny. Not as dramatic as hers, or some of the stories in her comments, but a little piece of me either way. Also, I found pictures from my prom while I unpacked last night. We had a good laugh. I am still good friends with my prom date, so it's funny to see how he, and his twin have changed.
So I'm a sophomore and rumor has it that one of the cutest guys in school is going to ask me to the dance. I thought it was whatever spring dance was coming up. I was wrong, so imagine my surprise when he asked me to Prom. PROM! I picked the perfect dress. (it was fuschia. I had matching heels) I made it clear that at 15, I was not ready for sex. (When did I lose my ability to say no?) My mom liked him, I liked him. He picked me up in a limo. We ate at a nice restraunt. Prom was lovely (except I was too shy to dance much and I kicked him in the shin doing the twist) I had to be home by two. Kiss goodnight, I think that was the end of any sort of "relationship" we remained friends although I carried a torch for many years. Yes, Tequila, I still have my embossed wine glass.
Fast forward two years to my prom. I got asked. By a guy with green teeth. I found a reason not to go with him. It was a good reason, although I'm pretty sure he saw through it. I asked a guy I had recently become reacquainted with. He never answered. I finally had to call him and demand an answer. He declined. So I called up prom date number 1 and asked him. He agreed to go. Hooray!
Our class did not have very much money, so my prom was on a Friday. I went to school in sponge curlers, envisioning long luxurious curls. My mom got me out early. When the curlers came out, I had the most impressive golden afro. My date showed up feeling dashing because he hadn't shaved in a day or two. Went to an expensive restraunt where I ran out of money and my date had to help. (so embarrassed! He was cool about it). We arrived at the dance took pictures (the curls had relaxed by then) and my date disappeared. I wandered around looking for him for a little while, asking everyone I met "have you seen my date?".
No one had so I turned my corsage into an armband and my friend Stewart and I were the first on the floor. After all, this prom wasn't about him, it was about me!! I found him later, he had been picking up on other women. I wasn't angry, he paid more attention to me after that. I am glad now that I didn't let anything get in the way of having a good time. The After Prom Event (I was not a drinker) was additional fun. Then we went to Dennys till dawn. Off to my Friend Tammy's house where her parents cooked us all breakfast, and I was home by 7 am. No kiss good night this time, and I still wasn't giving it up. (No wonder the date went looking for it elsewhere)
I have to say, I had the best time. I would like to know if I still fit into my prom dress. (the second one. I grew out of the first one LONG ago!) I would actually like to wear it to my ten year reunion coming up in June. I doubt I will though. It's just funny to think about it.
The prom date apologized several months ago for the way he acted. He said he was going through a lot back then. I had forgiven him long ago, and now I think it's funny that my prom date was picking up on other women. We're good friends now. And I wouldn't trade that for all the after prom kisses in the world.
BTW, in the spirit of prom gifts, I can say this, that at my senior prom, they did not want to encourage underage drinking, so they did not allow the wine glasses I got from the first prom. Nope. They gave us all beer mugs instead.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Fears
Mr Now made a lovely dinner last night which we ate on top of two empty tubs covered with a table cloth that I have been dying to use since I bought it 6 years ago. It was fun.
He was a little distant, which makes me nervous, but this time, instead of letting my fears eat me up inside, I mentioned them. How he responds is up to him. I think mentioning things once should be enough, I won't harp on it. at least not out loud.
Discussion came up about ghosts and stuff. I am relieved to find out that he is interested in learing more about my otherworldly experiences instead of just thinking I am strange. I never knew how most people saw that stuff until my friend made a comment about it once.
I used to tease my ex, "C", about his facination with aliens or, how he puts it "visitors". Not a lot, but I did. Now I know this was hippocritial of me because I too believe in things that are often percieved rather than seen. And even he will admit that the visitors may not come from outerspace, but rather from earth, just not usually perceieved.Anyway, I made a comment about his visitors, and my friend said something to the effect of "now you know how I feel when you start telling your ghost stories" humbling to say the least, this has stuck with me. I never realized she felt that way, and I stopped teasing "C".
But Mr Now wants to hear more, and even wants to go searching through my mom's house to see if a particularly difficult and angry spirit may have hidden something of mine in the attic. There is still so much we have to learn about each other. I fear that I will put him on a pedistal or make him my knight in shiny armor. I fear that he will dissapoint me by turning out to be a toad. I fear that I am not all I am cracked up to be. I fear that, not just in his eyes, but in my own and that of the world. I fear to be comfortable anywhere because the other shoe tends to drop, and drop hard.
Do all people live in constant fear of things seen and unseen? Am I strong because I get up and face the world every day, even though it is such a scary place? Or does that just make me normal? I want to be more than normal. what is normal? does everyone strive to be special? To change the world for the better and make a difference? I know I am not out there lobbying for human rights and the environment. Is it enough that I try to live my life with loving kindness and that I try to spread joy in the lives of others? In the light of all my issues, does the real me shine through?
He was a little distant, which makes me nervous, but this time, instead of letting my fears eat me up inside, I mentioned them. How he responds is up to him. I think mentioning things once should be enough, I won't harp on it. at least not out loud.
Discussion came up about ghosts and stuff. I am relieved to find out that he is interested in learing more about my otherworldly experiences instead of just thinking I am strange. I never knew how most people saw that stuff until my friend made a comment about it once.
I used to tease my ex, "C", about his facination with aliens or, how he puts it "visitors". Not a lot, but I did. Now I know this was hippocritial of me because I too believe in things that are often percieved rather than seen. And even he will admit that the visitors may not come from outerspace, but rather from earth, just not usually perceieved.Anyway, I made a comment about his visitors, and my friend said something to the effect of "now you know how I feel when you start telling your ghost stories" humbling to say the least, this has stuck with me. I never realized she felt that way, and I stopped teasing "C".
But Mr Now wants to hear more, and even wants to go searching through my mom's house to see if a particularly difficult and angry spirit may have hidden something of mine in the attic. There is still so much we have to learn about each other. I fear that I will put him on a pedistal or make him my knight in shiny armor. I fear that he will dissapoint me by turning out to be a toad. I fear that I am not all I am cracked up to be. I fear that, not just in his eyes, but in my own and that of the world. I fear to be comfortable anywhere because the other shoe tends to drop, and drop hard.
Do all people live in constant fear of things seen and unseen? Am I strong because I get up and face the world every day, even though it is such a scary place? Or does that just make me normal? I want to be more than normal. what is normal? does everyone strive to be special? To change the world for the better and make a difference? I know I am not out there lobbying for human rights and the environment. Is it enough that I try to live my life with loving kindness and that I try to spread joy in the lives of others? In the light of all my issues, does the real me shine through?
Monday, March 07, 2005
First Nights
Spent my first nights in my new home this weekend, and I love it. I don't want to leave, although I am overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I have collected over the years. Some of it is cool, but most of it is junk, that I can't seem to get rid of because I'm a pack rat, but I don't want to deal with it because I know it's crap.
I did get my kitchen mostly put together, which is great because Mr. Now is going to come over tonight and cook dinner for me and whatever roomates happen to be around. Maybe I can convince him to hook up the TV. This sounds terrible, but I have never done it. There has always been a man around to do it for me. Of course the same can be said about changing a tire, but that's not too hard. The electronics though? nah, I'll find a man to do it for me. Is that sexist? yup. But I will gladly cook and clean while it is being done, and rub some feet when the job is complete. So the sexism goes both ways. Actually, it depends on the feet. I've seen some nasty toes in my time.
I did get my kitchen mostly put together, which is great because Mr. Now is going to come over tonight and cook dinner for me and whatever roomates happen to be around. Maybe I can convince him to hook up the TV. This sounds terrible, but I have never done it. There has always been a man around to do it for me. Of course the same can be said about changing a tire, but that's not too hard. The electronics though? nah, I'll find a man to do it for me. Is that sexist? yup. But I will gladly cook and clean while it is being done, and rub some feet when the job is complete. So the sexism goes both ways. Actually, it depends on the feet. I've seen some nasty toes in my time.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Daddy discussion
Mr Now and I discussed my dad last night. I told him about how every day I dread getting "The phone call" The one telling me that Daddy has overdosed on drugs or sugar or been killed in a fight over some 18 year old crack whore stripper hussey and I need to pick up the pieces. He asked why it is that I worry about it.
I guess when I am not worrying about men, I worry about my dad. It was a great relief to me ypsyche when I realized that I cannot save him. All I can do is love hm. It hurts me deeply that he does not respond to my letters, but he is the one that chooses not to be a part of our lives.
I am aware, too that part of this choice stems from his lifestyle, which is, by now, less of a choice and more of a habit. a deep hole he's been digging for the past 40 years that he has lost the will to escape out of. He doesn't want to drag us down into his hole, and frankly, I've peered down into it, and I don't want to go in there either.
Selfishly, I know that when I do get the call, I know that I will have to immerse myself in the cesspool he has made of his life.I've done it briefly before, I don't want to do it again. I love him. He has a heart of gold. He is intelligent and fun. He is surrounded by filth. Human and otherwise. The people he calls friends are the very dregs of society. The use him, they steal from him. I know he is not blameless. I'm not that naieve. He invites them into his life. He has traded us for them. I forgive him. At least I think I do. a psychiatrist would tell me I don't.
There is apprehension that he will show at my sister's wedding. we're pretty sure he recieved the save the date card. we want him there. We miss him. I know his felings are hurt that he won't be walking her down the aisle. But sine we can't realy count on him showing...after all, he was late to his mother's funeral. he missed the service. we waited an extra 1/2 hour in the rain for him.
Sigh. I do love you Daddy.
I guess when I am not worrying about men, I worry about my dad. It was a great relief to me ypsyche when I realized that I cannot save him. All I can do is love hm. It hurts me deeply that he does not respond to my letters, but he is the one that chooses not to be a part of our lives.
I am aware, too that part of this choice stems from his lifestyle, which is, by now, less of a choice and more of a habit. a deep hole he's been digging for the past 40 years that he has lost the will to escape out of. He doesn't want to drag us down into his hole, and frankly, I've peered down into it, and I don't want to go in there either.
Selfishly, I know that when I do get the call, I know that I will have to immerse myself in the cesspool he has made of his life.I've done it briefly before, I don't want to do it again. I love him. He has a heart of gold. He is intelligent and fun. He is surrounded by filth. Human and otherwise. The people he calls friends are the very dregs of society. The use him, they steal from him. I know he is not blameless. I'm not that naieve. He invites them into his life. He has traded us for them. I forgive him. At least I think I do. a psychiatrist would tell me I don't.
There is apprehension that he will show at my sister's wedding. we're pretty sure he recieved the save the date card. we want him there. We miss him. I know his felings are hurt that he won't be walking her down the aisle. But sine we can't realy count on him showing...after all, he was late to his mother's funeral. he missed the service. we waited an extra 1/2 hour in the rain for him.
Sigh. I do love you Daddy.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
The House
My new home (rental) was turned over to me last week and I am very excited about it. However, I did learn one very important lesson. If your new landlord offers to leave anything behind, other than appliances, say, NO!!
I was amazed when I walked in last Thursday to discover that things didn't look too much different than they did when the family lived there. I knew they were leaving food, but I didn't expect stale chips and crackers. Shampoo and soap in the bathroom. towels and washrags and underewear in the linen closet. shoes and a bathing suit bottom in bedrooms. More underwear. Bedding.
My favorite item? A coffee can with a lid on it that I found while talking to Mr Now. There was some sort of liquid inside. Turns out, it was the landlord's spit can. like spittooon. Poor Mr Now got to hear me screeching "getthisthefuckoutofmyhouserightnowIdon'teverwanttoseeitagain! Eewthat'sdiscusting!noIdon'tcareifyouaresentimentalgetitoutofmysightthisinstant!!!" I apologised for screeching in his ear, I still feel like a harpy.
BUT, we managed to get it all cleaned up and three truckloads of trash hauled away. I am sure there is more, but now that it has been cleaned and painted, I am ready to move in this weekend.
as I was saying to Mr Now, it feels good to be getting my life back on track and move forward again. I know he doesn't really know what that means because I have not given him the lowdown on my last major relationship (or on the last several non major ones...or really any of them except for the occational "dated a such n such once") But I know how important it is for me to move out of my mom's house and be out on my own again. I feel like I am finally climbing out of the well that C pushed me down. I can't believe it has been almost a year. Talk about personal growth. Mine tends to happen in leaps and bounds!
I was amazed when I walked in last Thursday to discover that things didn't look too much different than they did when the family lived there. I knew they were leaving food, but I didn't expect stale chips and crackers. Shampoo and soap in the bathroom. towels and washrags and underewear in the linen closet. shoes and a bathing suit bottom in bedrooms. More underwear. Bedding.
My favorite item? A coffee can with a lid on it that I found while talking to Mr Now. There was some sort of liquid inside. Turns out, it was the landlord's spit can. like spittooon. Poor Mr Now got to hear me screeching "getthisthefuckoutofmyhouserightnowIdon'teverwanttoseeitagain! Eewthat'sdiscusting!noIdon'tcareifyouaresentimentalgetitoutofmysightthisinstant!!!" I apologised for screeching in his ear, I still feel like a harpy.
BUT, we managed to get it all cleaned up and three truckloads of trash hauled away. I am sure there is more, but now that it has been cleaned and painted, I am ready to move in this weekend.
as I was saying to Mr Now, it feels good to be getting my life back on track and move forward again. I know he doesn't really know what that means because I have not given him the lowdown on my last major relationship (or on the last several non major ones...or really any of them except for the occational "dated a such n such once") But I know how important it is for me to move out of my mom's house and be out on my own again. I feel like I am finally climbing out of the well that C pushed me down. I can't believe it has been almost a year. Talk about personal growth. Mine tends to happen in leaps and bounds!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
