I don't expect my love affairs to last for long

Hi5 drove out at about 9 am yesterday. I didn't know until he called last night for some company while he drove. I did know he would be leaving yesterday or today. I also had a very strong feeling that Sunday would be the last time I saw him so I wasn't really surprised. I know how stressful it can be to move out of state; the packing, the goodbyes, the last minute stuff.

Despite my hopes that he would end up staying, I really do wish him well. Happiness, success, all of it. We are still in contact; who knows what the future will bring?

Our short relationship threw a lot of things in sharp perspective for me. Although I like Hi5 as a person, I can't help but feel as though the situation brought out some of the worst in me. I in no way blame him for this, as he was being him, and I was being me, and I am quite certain that I have the capability to behave far worse than I did at any given moment during the last 3 months. Time and communication would have fixed much of that, but while we were both working on the comumunication aspect, it seems time was not a gift we had.

There was an unexpected gift though.

I finally realized that I am better off alone.

I'm not being mopey, I am not looking for sympathy, it's a good feeling. When there isn't a man in my life, things get done. I start businesses. I spend time with friends. I create and prosper emotionally. I feel secure in my place and with myself. I don't wait for the phone to ring or the email to ding. I don't wonder when I will have another date or whether that date will get cancelled. I can have a drink (or 5...) without crying in my SoCo. All the things that drive me nuts about myself? Those things don't happen. I mean, there's plenty about me that drives me crazy, but it's different, you know?

When I'm alone, my friends don't have to listen to my latest heartbreak and wonder why I keep trying when it is so blatently obvious why I shouldn't. (I will always try. I will always give it my all. If it doesn't work, it's not because I didn't try. I will not change that) They don't have to see the hurt in my eyes when I am dissapointed. again. (thank goodness for Wifey and her spare hankies!) And they don't have to go through the mopey period which has been known to last for months or, you know, years (ahem).

I'm looking forward to the next however long I am going to be without a man's presence in my life acting as more than a friend. I'm not going to go out looking for one.

I'm not going to give up, I still love men. I would still like to meet one with whom I can spend the next 50 to 70 years of my life.

But for goodness sake. Not at the expense of my already tenuous sanity. The right time, place, situation, won't make me crazy (in a bad way). It won't disrupt my life. I know because I have been in relationships that were easy. C and I quickly became inseperable. T and I never questioned what to do. B and I would talk and giggle for hours. Sure, each had his way of making me crazy, but it wasn't bad. mostly.

Better off alone.

Lets see how long I manage to hang on to this conviction.

CONTEST!!!

Help me rename my soap! Contest details http://bubblycreations.blogspot.com/2009/08/fire-and-contest.html

Free bar of soap to the winner! And more to come!

Did Somebody ask for a Miracle?

I'm picky about the miracles I will ask for. I'm not sure why, as I am pretty sure there is no limit to how many you can ask for or how many you can have. I also believe that every day I wake up alive, whole, well, and able is a miracle.

When I actually ASK for one though, I try to make it count. Like Hannah's health (we were able to raise over $150 for her this weekend! I am not even done with monkeys! YAY!). They are wavering on a diagnosis, but it is looking like ADEM, a condition in the MS spectrum. They started treating for it and she is responding positively. She's still sleeping though and if she doesn't improve more, they will have to send her away. Likely to San Francisco where she can get better care. Or when my Maddy was trying to arrive early, I prayed hard that she and my Seester would both be fine. and they ARE. And I love them.

When Hi5 took off to Dallas, I had a chat with the universe. I asked that the right job come along. I said that I understood if that right job was somewhere else because it's more important for him to support his family than it is for him to be near me. After all, I didn't know, don't know, whether we would actually work together even though I really wanted to find out.

He will be driving out for Chicago Wednesday or Thursday. I understand. I accept. I don't like it, but I do. It hurts, I'm disappointed, but for once, I recognize that there really are bigger forces at work. Do I hope that a better offer comes through in the next two days that will keep him in town? Of course. I am human, it's normal. Do I also understand that there's a reason, even if I don't know what it is, that he is being sent 1500 miles away? Yeah. Whether you are faithful or not, I am comforted by this.

Expect more on this say, Thursday or Friday. I will do my best not to dwell on it much past then. Not here anyway.

In other, less depressing news, I put an offer in on a house yesterday. I'm trying not to get my hopes up. the bank is taking the highest and best offer. I offered $5000 more than the list price and still stayed under my limit. I think it is worth the amount I offered so I am feeling confident. Also, because I offered more that $125,000, I qualified for a program that will contribute 3.5% towards my closing costs. I'm taking the Que Cera attitude. I like the house, it would be awesome to live in a place where I can put the leaf in my table and still walk into the kitchen. (without knocking over the bird cage) And the 2 car garage would be fantastic. But like Pam used to tell us before every pageant. "what is meant for you will not go by you" Those pageants taught me that I don't actually know what is meant for me, so I had to learn to have faith that the right thing would happen for me. If not this one, another.

Updates

No changes for Hannah. Please keep praying. I am 95% complete with 1 monkey. There's enough interest that I will try and make more. Last night, I was sewing in a bar. That's dedication. Or something. One man offered to buy one and even though I had told him why I was making and selling them, offered me half of my asking price. I was offended. It's not like I have raised the prices for these ones. I offered him a smaller, lower priced version instead of punching him in the face. I should have been a diplomat.

I am back on the house hunt. the housing market in my area is such that I can purchase a larger home (TWO CAR GARAGE!!!) for less than what I pay in rent. My realtor is understanding about my needs and is helping me to find something considerably lower than what I can afford in a neighborhood where I can feel secure. AND she has instructions to slap me if I start showing interest in another dump. We all know that I love a challenge and a home improvement project, but this time around I am looking closely at whether or not I can live with the changes that need to be made until I can afford to make them, and whether I can actually afford to DO the things that need to be done.

I looked at one yesterday that has promise. I like the fruit trees, and the grass just needs water. It has a sprinkler system which will help me alot since i don't have one now and tend to forget to water. Or i water for a really long time in one spot. Inside it appears that it needs paint, linoleum in the kitchen, and new cabinets. Or repaired cabinets. there were a few other things too, but those were the big ones. I can live with the missing tiles on the hearth (I think it would be an excellent opportunity to learn some tile work!) and the purple bedroom. the home comes with a two year warranty.

BUT

Yesterday was my first day out looking. And there are a lot of really great houses out there. So although she is going to inquire about the one above, I am not going to decide I HAVE to have it because I might see something better next week. I'm also not sure where I am getting money for down payments, earnest money, and closing costs, but I will cross those bridges when I come to them. I think this is one of those things that maybe you are never completely ready for. That sometimes you just have to jump and pray and trust.

I am waiting patiently for Hi5 to come home tomorrow and yet I am doing my best not to get my hopes up that I will actually see him this weekend. We have been in contact nearly every day since he left (even if only a quick hello on Yahoo Messenger) which has been enough to keep me satisfied about my spot in his world. Mostly, anyway. I dislike a bit, that I have been "waiting patiently" for anyone to return to my general vicinity, but I am interested in seeing where things go next. I'm not a fan of suspense. I don't like to wait and see. But I am learning to do just that. There are many lessons I am larning from this situation and for that, I am greatful.

I look up all day every day to a quote on my board that says, "Everything works out in the end. If it hasn't worked out, it's not the end"

good to know.

diagnosis

Thank you all for your prayers.

I'm pretty sure that they have ruled out MS at this point. She definately has Acute Encephylitis (sp?) Still bad, but from what I have been told, she is improving. I have not visited her because it just upsets her. We are pitching in in other ways though, cleaning her house and doing laundry.

For those of you interested, I am making monkeys. they will be on my site as soon as they are done and I will be giving her family the money to help with hospital fees. No guilt, no pressure. Some of you had mentioned wanting monkeys. They will be up in the next few days. I will let you know when they are, and you can go take a look.

A rare request for you

It didn't hit me until this morning; the situation she's in.

She's a rockstar. Probably our most popular player. She's an incredible skater and athlete. She's my friend.

And she's laying in a hospital bed right now while her amazing body, so young, so strong, rebels against her.

The Doctors told her, when she went in a couple of months ago that she was sensitive to either caffeine or nicotine; to stop smoking and drinking coffee and her symptoms should go away.

As of yesterday she couldn't move or speak. The diagnosis so far isn't good. This morning, she tried to rip out her IV, which is good (She's got spunk!!) but situation is bad. And makes me want to cry.

Please pray for her. Whatever your beliefs, please. Even if you don't believe in a higher power, please send good thoughts. She's the one bootie blocking me with all she's got.

Has it been that long?

Sometime in the last 2 weeks or so I looked at my arm (where my watch would be if i wasn't too lazy and cheap to have a new battery put in one of the lovelies in my jewelry box) and realized that I have lived in Reno/Sparks for 2 years.

For those that are mobile, this is not a great accomplishment. For me, who spent the first 30 years of my life in the same city/county it's something to note. My friends, when I left, said I would be back in a year. It took two to start thinking about it, and I admit that I have.

It's been hard to be away from my family. We make arrangements, but knowing that I can't just pop on over and visit has struck a blow. Add my darling neice to the arrangement and it's as if I have developed a hole in my heart. A giant, achy hole.

These last couple of months have been tough too. There are things I haven't talked about and things about which I have said too much. With all the frustration that swirled around NG (Now to be known here, as he is known at work, as Hi5) and around Derby, I thought seriously about packing up and going back. Then, when I was done feeling sorry for myself, I realized that the issues that I have here I will have there. And what I don't have there is a job and a home.

Things are not how I expected when I moved here. the job that brought me here didn't work out. I've had my heart broken. I haven't bought a house. Poo has moved away. I still don't have a library card.

And yet, I have so much. I love my job. I'm reimmersing myself in my business. I'm shrinking out of my size 8's and not for lack of lucky charms and booze in my diet. roller derby fills a need for friendship and exercize that I have never found before. Puppybutt. I'm going tomorrow with a group of gals to watch Shakespeare. I'm going camping with another group this weekend. (some overlap) I have Autfest and mudwrestling coming up.

Busy busy. And yet, I read two books this week. I can't afford to keep buying them so I'm off to the library for a card. TODAY. Unlike last time I tried to get one, I can prove that I live here! My garden is growing. Not just literally, but figuratively too.

It's a nice feeling, when you finally look up from the grindstone and realize just how happy and utterly full you are. (except for that hole where my family goes...Thankgiving can't possibly come soon enough)

A new chapter

NG and I sat down and talked last night. It was a much needed communication for both of us. 

I had already decided that stories which include him will be of the harmless sort, fun ones that I could tell with him standing in front of me. I will no longer vent my frustrations about him here in public but to him in private if I have any. He doesn't know I have decided this, but I think it's right. He won't come here again. Well, maybe he will, but for now, he would rather not. 

There were apologies on both sides and we seem to have worked things out. There has been more communication between us in the last day than there had been in a month. I feel as though we are moving forward with a clean slate. It's a good feeling. 

I have finished stripping the wallpaper out of my bathroom and will start prepping it for paint tomorrow. I am amazed at the quality of other people's work. so much was covered by the paper. Things that should have been filled and/or sanded. I am determined to finish the job as if I were being paid for it. I think I should work just as hard for myself as I would for someone else. I think this is the first home improvement project I have done just for myself. Wow. It's a good feeling!

I don't know why there was a difference

I woke up this morning feeling more like myself than I have felt in a long time. Well rested, and, sadly, happy.

It's sad because I am generally a happy person. The last several weeks or months or however long it's been have been strange for me. I don't really know what changed, what shifted, but suddenly, I feel a renewed sense of who I am and how I feel about my life.

Maybe it was the good dreams. Maybe it was something else, I don't know, but I woke up this morning and felt for the first time in a long time not like it was just another day in the grind, but happy to be alive and living my life. 

I carried that with me thorough the day. I made plans with Mandrew to meet at the dog park and maybe to go to the Habitat for Humanity store tomorrow to see what they have. He's someone I have in my world with whom I can chat about building stuff and working on our houses. It was nice to hang out and catch up this afternoon at the park. We'd both gotten busy or something over the last few months and I should be more careful of that. He's been a good friend to me. 

NG and I communicated today too and we are going to get together and talk on Friday. That was another weight off my shoulders. I'm excited and nervous and a bit apprehensive. He and I need to talk, and no matter what, talking is a good thing. 

Kristen is coming to town for my birthday! Well, not really my birthday, more for an old friend's wedding, but she will be here for my birthday and that is fantastic. We'll be hanging out with RebTurtle and kicking up our heels like old times. I have promised not to wear holy fishnets to the wedding, (I think the groom would find it funny) and my hair should be completely blonde by then (I'm still a little lavender after the bout last weekend). I wasn't completely excited about it until tonight when we firmed up her flight plans and discussed hotel accommodations. 

As I spoke with her, I worked on a little bit o business. Soapy business. When she asked me what I was doing, I was excited to tell her. I got animated  about the possibilities ahead of me. That was a  wonderful feeling. One I haven't had in awhile either. Glorious. 

Tomorrow is also full of possibility. So good to feel normal again.

A New Week

And thank goodness because last week was pretty shitty overall, ending with Saturday night's vomitechnics.

Sure, there were some really great moments. The wallpaper in my bathroom is about halfway stripped and I am looking forward to finishing that up in the next couple days and getting it painted. The back yard still looks great! compared to what it looked like at this time last week...

I'm still practicing patience but at least the uniform issue is mostly resolved; I don't have to deal with that vendor anymore. I will be happier when the teams have thier shirts and everything out of my hands, but you wouldn't believe the stress I went through trying to get that covered. It's a long story, and I don't want to get into it here, just know that my stress level at this time last week was considerable.

This week feels fresh and new and I'm ready to face it with a positive attitude.

YAY!

New low

I haven't been that drunk in years. Which, according to Randy, should be a good thing but sadly, of late, drinking turns me not into the pile of giggles of yesteryear but rather what can only be described as a hot mess.

I managed to consume my limit. My absolute limit. My under the table limit of 7. I think. Wifey saw it coming. I remember her announcing that she was going to go get her car. I'm not sure at what point I went from happily chatting with Skaten Worshipper to shitty. I think it might have been Mr Bedlam explaining to me why I'm still single. ouch. He wasn't being mean, and it seems to be everyone's favorite game, but it's a sore spot and I'd been drinking. If I hadn't been, I'm sure that the tears wouldn't have been falling as Wifey led me from the bar. She has excellent timing.

I remember someone calling out my name as we left, apparently it was the owner of the bar. I couldn't respond. I was too far gone. I remember Wifey telling me that I may have been a little lonely before, but at least I wasn't like this.  

The truth still stings.

She made sure I got in the door. I collapsed next to the rabbit cage and proceeded to puke all over the carpet and pass out. At some point I rolled over in it. The dogs, thankfully, were off amusing themselves so I didn't have to try and fight them off. Bless them, they are good boys. 

I managed to peel myself up off the floor, shower and go to bed. I'm hoping that my clothes aren't ruined, I like that shirt. I'm still trying to figure out why I put Mr Bedlam's lighter in my bra. 

Hot mess. Emphasis on the mess. I won't be drinking for awhile. 

Chivalry is not dead, just aging

It's been a productive weekend so far. I thought I'd hit Lowes to pick up something to circle in my apricot tree. The soil here is clay and I need something to keep water on the roots and fertilizer too if I ever want it to produce again. Rumor has it, it used to produce the best apricots. I bought everything but...

BUT I got started last night stripping the wallpaper off of my bathroom walls. Cindy, my other mother, sent me a message with a better way (I was spraying it down with water and scraping with a putty knife) and I am hoping her secrets will get the job done quicker. Stripping and painting my bathroom walls has been on my mind for over a year now and I thought rather than sit and wait for the phone to ring, I would get to it. 

This morning I tackled the back yard again. And my neighbor (bless his heart, this is why I only make occasional remarks about him having my ladder and therefore I haven't unwrapped my swamp cooler) popped over to help. He left off his painting and came over, in the heat, to work on my yard with me. He loaned me his pick thingy so I could finish up, admired my squash, sat and chatted a bit. I gave him a bar of soap as a thank you; he had mentioned buying one for his daughter. Thing is, he's always mowing my lawn, and he watered it for me when I was out of town. I've never had a neighbor watch out for me like this. I've had neighbors WATCH me, but never really lend a hand when I didn't know I needed it. It's like having Grandpa next door. I sure do miss my Grandpa. All of them. This one reminds me of the one in AZ.

I filled the mini pool and lounged until I started to burn and I thought, this is what life is all about. I work so I can have these luxuries, but I don't take the time to enjoy them. I'm too busy. I want to change that. No. I am actively changing that. 

Tonight I'm off to Hot August Nights, Downtown Sparks. The Bedlams have a hotel room and have promised to get me drunk. Lets hope the stories are fun and fit for telling. I'm sure they will be. I rarely get out of control, even if that is their goal for me. Whatever. It's going to be fun times. 

Free tickets to the gun show

Today's polo shirt has shorter sleeves than what is usual for me. The guys are used to me coming in covered in bruises. I was proudly showing some off Monday since we had a bout on Saturday. (Arm bruises. they don't get to see the ones on my butt. Of which I currently have none)

Today, I had the following conversation with the Cookie Thief...

CT: What happened to your arm?

Me (looking at my shoulder where he was pointing): Oh, that's my Two. (permenant marker takes awhile to fade)

CT: No Right there

Me: Oh, I'm always that color

CT: No, right there, did you get punched? your arm is all swollen!

Me (laughing): that's my muscles.

CT: But it looks swollen!

Me: Now you know why I don't lift weights.

I'm still laughing.

Shitty, actually.

In my mind, I am not at work but curled up in some dark corner wondering what will happen next and feeling like an asshole for hurting someone. But what is done is done and all I can do is move forward and see what happens next.

I hate being wrong; and I was, reagrdless of my reasons and excuses; and I hate not knowing what happens next.

Somewhere though, this morning, there was a glimmer of wisdom lighting the recesses of my brain. I went looking for one quote and found two.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Eleanor Roosevelt, 'This Is My Story,' 1937

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
Eleanor Roosevelt

Funny how they were together. And it's not so much that I am feeling inferior, just unabashedly wrong. I can't fix it and I can't heal it and that frustrates me all the more. The person I need to make this right is not available to me right now and my assumptions on what he is thinking and feeling are assumptions. Conjecture being what got me into this mess in the first place. Or, I should say, the public airing of conjecture and frustration being what got me in this mess in the first place.

I have not yet lived through this particular horror. I have no doubt that I will. I also believe that I will be a better person for it. I hope so anyway. I try to learn from my mistakes.

I might be continuing to make this one by continuing to write publically about the fact that a situation occurred, but this is my outlet. My therapy. This is the place I go when I need to get thoughts out of my head. But instead of writing out my frustration about someone else, I am choosing to look at myself.

I must have been due for another long look at who I have become.

A risk I took

I really should know better. But I took the risk ranting and writing out my frustrations and NG, stopped by. 

He's right to be upset. I would be too. And will consider such more throughly when posting in the future.

what happened next

I sent a message Saturday afternoon to make sure NG had not forgotten about the Bout and to see if he was going to make it. This way, if he was not, I wouldn't watch for him. He asked again what time and let me know that he might be a little late.

Then I recieved a message from him informing me that he had a previous engagement that he had forgotten about. That he was sorry, he just isn't good at planning. And please call when I was done.

I replied that it wasn't ok. that it had been important to me that he be there. That I was upset but that I was not going to compete with his family. Thankfully, Wifey had an extra hankie.

Since I am a doormat, I sent him a message letting him know about the after party, what time, and where. He showed. Which made me feel a bit better, though not completely. He's sill on thin ice but knows it.

Tune in for the next installment...

Hi. it's been awhile

Internet at home is spotty at best so I have been avoiding it. Which is great when you consider how much housework and reading and time i have had and how much time I have been spending with my dog.

I have just a couple of things. One may not make sense because I just need to get it out.

Sometimes, I read things on the internet that hurt me. They have nothing to do with me and should make me happy for the persons involved, but instead, they make me cry a little inside. For many many reasons. This is why twitter and blogging can be bad.

Where NG is concerned, things are where they have always been. Except I have expressed a need for them to change. His kids have returned to their home and he still has no time to spend with me. This time because his brother is still in town. The girls say it sounds like he is seeing someone else too and I cannot argue with them. I have begun to wonder myself. Which means it is likely true. I deserve better than that. If he isn't seeing someone else, then I still deserve better than what I am getting. I told him we both needed to make more of an effort; I have been busy too. I started right away. He doesn't seem to be trying yet. But it's only been a couple of days. After 2 months of seeing each other (rarely) I'm thinking I'd rather be completely single than dangling. Waiting. Stressing. I deserve better than that too. Not because I am all-wonderful, but because I am a human being.

I have a bout tomorrow. I mentioned it to him several times and got a non committal response. when a mutual friend mentioned it, he said he didn't see any reason why he wouldn't be able to go.

I'm done if he doesn't show.

Missing? No. Incognito!!

Miss Bratty Duke mentioned today or maybe it was yesterday that I haven't posted in awhile. It isn't because I don't have anything to say.

I posted recently, or at least spilled my guts about all the madness that has been swirling about; threw myself a pity party complete with real tears... When I read the things I wrote, I sounded like an asshole. No amount of editing and spell checking could fix what an asshole I made myself sound which means I was being one. So I packed up my pity party and deleted the post before that crap could get out. 

Know this. Writing all that made me really appreciate all the people that are in my life. Not just the ones I hang out with all the time, but the ones that I DON'T hang out with all the time. Like Miss Bratty Duke. And Randy. And everybody else. It made me realize that I could be a better friend.

Then I had a post all written about Michael Jackson. I may still post that one. Sure, everyone has a post about MJ, but he holds a special place in my life. 

Then, the other day, SHE came to visit. Apparently she works for Sam's Club, and good for her. I always thought that if I ever saw her again that I would punch her in the face. However, when I saw her I only thought she looked a bit familiar until I saw her business card. I am thankful that I didn't have one of mine, in hindsight even though I know she needs it to show where she has been. I realized that better than punching her in the face was not recognizing her. Apparently she wasn't that important to me after all. She makes for good stories though. I passed her card along as I said I would. That doesn't mean I don't hope she never comes back to my building. I don't wish her ill, but I see no reason to pretend to like her.

And that's what it's all about.

Chance of showers

You should be warned before you begin that in writing this post, I will probably be crying. I have not started yet, but I can feel the tears threatening. This is gonna be a hard one. A personal one in many ways as it tells a story that isn't mine, but it really is. 

It began with a sob. I was 17. She doesn't know that I heard. But through the door to my mother's bathroom I could hear her crying. I didn't know why. I still don't. Times were happy for the most part, and although I knew we struggled financially, as far as I knew, we were making it okay. 

But I'm a fixer. A healer. It's what I do. It's part of the reason I have such crappy taste in men, because I want to heal their wounds because I know they are good people and even if it doesn't work out for us, maybe it will for the next girl. That is not the point of this story though. This story is about my mom.

I didn't know what was bothering my mom that day but there was something in her world that I wanted to fix. With singular purpose, I pulled out her phone book, the little white one with the gold writing on the front that had been around forever and I found the address I was looking for. 

Dear Mr Namehasbeenchanged...

And so began a correspondence with a man I had never met. A man who preferred that I call him Rat Fink rather than Mr. Suchandsuch. A man who held a quiet, yet invisible place in our lives. Who had never met my mother yet she had his address.

My Mother's father.

Jack was my Grandmother's first husband. He was her brother's best friend. They had two children. She was 15 maybe 16 when they got married, and 17 when my uncle was born. My mom came along when she was 18 and then the marriage was over. 

Jack was in the military. That's what men did back then, you know, in the early 50's when college was not the only option schools pushed. Most of the details that I know about Jack are encased in letters I pray that I saved. Hand written correspondence that started with the first one I sent, and I'm not sure when they ended.

In that first letter, I berated him for not being a part of our lives. I told him about my family, how he had missed out not only on his children but his grandchildren. Looking back, I was probably pretty harsh. But all I knew was that he had never met his two eldest children.

I learned a lot about Jack from those letters. His time overseas. How he once held the world's record in the javelin throw. The invitation to the Olympics in Rome, turned down if I remember correctly, for his military obligations. 

I learned how when he received the divorce papers, he went, in his grief, to his priest who told him to walk away and forget the family he had started and to start over. He met his "new" wife and began again. They had 4 boys together and were married, well, they never stopped being married. He told me that he never missed a child support payment. And that he regretted taking the advice of the priest.

The summer after I graduated from High School, I arranged a meeting between my mother and her father. We all gathered at an uncle's house oddly close to my mom's older brother, who declined the invite to meet him. I met Jack, and Jan, his wife along with a couple of uncles who's names I have forgotten. After that day, Jack and I continued to correspond for awhile and I learned about his love for Ham Radio which I find similar in spirit to my need for reaching out on the internet. Same concept, different technology. He might also be why I like throwing things... hmm. 

You know how it gets as you get older. Life takes over and you forget who's turn it is to respond. The "I really should drop a note" thought takes over but when you have time, somehow, you have forgotten. 

I wish I hadn't forgotten for so many years because I learned this evening that I can't drop Jack any more notes. We, all of us, learned today that Jack died back in December. Oddly, on Uncle Mike's birthday. I didn't know he was sick. A lame excuse, I know, I knew he wasn't a spring chicken, a comparison I know would have made him smile. But in my mind, just as I have not been aging, neither had he. He was 70 when I met him which makes him what? 75? Or something... Somehow, I lost a lot of years in the shuffle of working and trying to survive. Wrapped up in my own dramas and learning life's lessons. I know he understood. 

I am so glad I wrote that first letter. 

We never really became one big happy extended family. My mom still hardly knows her other 4 brothers and Uncle Mike never was interested in the idea of meeting his father. I never started calling Jack "Grandpa", and he never expected that I should. He will always be Jack. He needs no other title in my mind.

Jack holds a special place in my heart. We spoke the same language, he and I and I will treasure his letters and stories always. Maybe one day Jan will send me my half of the letters. Those would be a great treasure as well. I'm sure he kept them. We're sentimental people like that. 

I wish there was more to say. He believed in Heaven, but I'm sure there is no need for Ham Radio there. Perhaps he is young again, competing in track and field events. Perhaps he is Roller Skating with Uncle Bob, Uncle Bill and Aunt Carla. I like to think that the next time I bout he'll be cheering me on. Roller Derby seems like it would have been his kind of adventure.  I wish I could have shared that with him. 

I guess there are a lot of things I will wish over the years I had shared with him. No use in mourning them now. So instead I will say,

Goodnight, Jack. Sleep well.

An answer

Answers to life's questions rarely are as clear as the time I was going through a hard time and a voice said to me as I lay in bed wondering what would come next in the hell that was my job at the time, "Everything is going to be okay". Call it God, Goddess, or my own mind; it calmed me and comforted me and everything was, and is, okay.

I've looked to that source many times over the last many years and usually I found that I had the answer all along. Or that the original message still applied.  Last night was no different. Sleep was slow in arriving as I tried to calm my mind and heart and listen.

There was no voice.  Thankfully there was sleep.

The first thing I thought of when I woke up this morning was how NG dug through the trash in the fruitless search for my keys despite having an aversion to bacteria and germs with the hope that he might come out the hero of the day.

I'm pretty sure that assholes don't do that.