More thoughts

After eating to excess this weekend (Johanna was kind enough to point out that I had 4 donuts on Sunday.), all the yummy things that I don't usually eat, (I would have finished the wheat thins if not for the pincher bugs that got in there, making me scream, once again, like a little girl. AND I still would have eaten them but there were two in there. what if they had sex on my wheat thins? What if they laid eggs and the eggs hatched in my belly and they came crawling out my mouth like something off of Creepshow?) I decided that I would place myself on a new eating program. Not a diet, an eating program. a healthier one. I can have all the fresh fruits and veggies I want, of course. And reasonable amounts of meat. Carbs once a day. I'm not sticking hard to that point because most of my carbs come from my sweets habit. I can have one sweet once a day. Which means I choose it carefully and enjoy it more. Do I want cookies or sorbet? soda once a week, which isn't that big of a deal because I am not big on soda anyway. At least one glass of water for every cup of coffee or tea, which, I am cutting the size of my coffee to an 8 oz cup instead of 16. every other day. I don't want to eat after 8 pm (I start looking at bed around 9:30. eating late is not only bad for my metabolism, but it's REALLY bad for my reflux. so I hear.)

I don't want to become one of those people who counts every fat gram, every calorie. I think it takes all the enjoyment out of food. I think it borders on obsession. I think it is unhealthy. Now that I want to change the way I eat, I have become considerably more aware of the foods that are offered out there. Since I am making myself choose carefully my treat, I am seeing the grocery store in a whole new light. And it's not pretty.

Walking through Walmart yesterday, I felt bombarded by unhealthy options. Sugary cereals, donuts, chips jumped at me from every isle. Candy waited for me, beckoned me. Ice cream, soda, cookies, snack cakes all begged me to place them in my basket. And I thought about whether I wanted them. I craved them. I wanted to rip into the package of little debbie snack cakes and just have one. one melt in my mouth confection.

But I knew I didn't really want it. That as soon as it was in my mouth, I would regret every bite. And this is not how I want to have my one treat a day. I want it to be something I truly love. Truly enjoy not something I gobble down in seconds because it was there and I was mildly hungry.

So I resisted. I went home. And I made myself a homeade pizza with broccoli and squash and chicken. And although I wanted to eat the whole thing, I didn't because I really was quite full. And really, I didn't feel like having desert because I was still satified with the cherries and strawberries I had eaten earlier in the day. For lunch, I will have salad. Maybe half a sandwich instead to keep things interesting. definately some soup. I guess I will see when I get there. But I know one thing, having maintained my willpower and skipped my treat yesterday, I feel better about myself already.

In other news,

Monday was my father's birthday. I forget his birthday every year so it surprised me when I heard his voice in my head calling my name as I fell asleep on Monday night. When it happened twice, I sent all the love I could towards him. It's all I can do. I mentioned it my my sister, who reminded me that it had been his birthday. I pray that he just missed us on that day. Because he usually only calls when he needs something. And I know in my heart that he needs me.
I still don't know where he is. It hurts me deeply that we are estranged, a descriptor I never thought I would use to describe one of my family members. I saw a van parked this morning on my way to work and wondered if it was his. It was obvious that someone was living in it. and yes, it was pretty close to the river.
Every time the Bubble phone rings, and it's a hang up call, I wonder if it's him just calling to hear my voice. How do you reconsile yourself with your daughters when thy have lost faith in you? Does he even really want a relationship with us? He tells his friends we are important to him. I'm sure somewhere in his mind we are. I'm sure he has all sorts of justifications for the way things have turned out. Daddy, I think of you every day. I love you and miss you. I'm sorry that I can only hope to contact you psychically. I hope the universe delivered my love for you. I hope you were flooded, as I intended, with it. I wish I could have hugged you for real on your 54th birthday.

Stuff

first, my sister has something important to say.
http://www.lzymzy.blogspot.com/

I have few more camping stories, but I think I will save them for later.

I am having a difficult time with coworker today. no, she hasn't done anything, it's an attitude. and between her and my boss I am very frustrated. I wonder if I can wait until my review do discuss these things. I almost brought them up in today's meeting but thought it wouldn't be a good idea. It might be ok in their world that she should do all the work while I sit around looking for things to do, but it isn't ok in mine. She fights any attempt to regain duties.

I don't feel like a team. I hate that. Feeling this way makes me feel petty. And I hate that too. I don't belive in squabbles. There really is enough work to go around if it were just redistributed.

The trip

I know you all are just DYING to know how it went. Or maybe you're mildly curious. I'll take either.

The campground was beautiful. Go take a look, I will wait...

www.lajollaindians.com/campground

Ok. So now you know that it was all about oak trees and the creek they called a river and tubing. It could have been marvelous. But you see, there's no limit to how many people they let in there. People were packed in like sardines. It was, um, tree to tree tents. So instead of hearing the babble of the brook (we were too far from it to hear it, but whatever, we were supposed to be isolated) and the singing of the birds, the whisper of the wind through the trees, I heard music. Other people's very loud music. Until very late in the evening. And if you have ever heard the current favorites in Mexico, well, it wasn't my preferred classic rock and even if it were, at midnight I don't want to hear it. That was the first night.

The next morning, the outhouses were FULL and someone had missed. I think they drank a lot of beer too. You know because beer has this effect...Please don't make me explain it. Thankfully, they empty and clean the port o lets every day and they had these neat handles on the inside of the doors to help a girl hover so she doesn't have to sit.

Meanwhile, the music continued. The crowds kept a ccoming.

After looking at the creek, er, river, and the crowds and having taken a shower in the ice cold showers (those bathrooms had flushing toilets but the doors on the stalls were so short that you could see the top of the toilet from the underneath of it. I wish I had pictures) and feeling clean I declared that I was not going to go tubing in other people's filth. So I lounged and took a nap and hung out with the girls. I also played poison oak police. Don't those people know anything? Geez!

Saturday night was a little better because tribal security came around and told everyone to turn off the radios. Some went back on. I was kept up all night by the people behind my tent who talked late into the night. Sadly, I can't tell you what they were saying because I don't speak Spanish. But I have to say that despite my warnings, their children will be itchy soon.

Many people went home on Sunday, but not nearly enough to warrant a desire to immerse myself in other people's filth. So I didn't tube. Again. Sunday night, one of our party complained all night that no one would stay up and drink with her. None of us really felt much like drinking, and she, I think, decided that she had a terrible time and wasn't coming out to SD to play with us again because no one would stay up and drink with her. To my defense, I had a couple earlier in the day and they knocked me out. I just didn't feel like having more after that. We aren't big drinkers, and it kind of made me mad that she would try and guilt us into getting drunk so that she didn't feel like the only person drinking. I don't care that she was trying to down a 30 pack in one day. I was done. And when I get so tired that I can hardly stand, I go to bed. I am not going to stay awake for someone's amusement. She has returned to MN.

That was the bulk of the drama. The uncomfortable feeling? non existant. It was like "normal" for the most part. I had fun with my friends and laughed a lot. I really enjoyed myself. I don't want to return to La Jolla Indian Reservation on a holiday weekend again, but perhaps on a regular one, when things are quiet and we can camp on the river, I may even decide to float a bit.

Oh. Dang

There were of course, things that I wanted to blog about as soon as I got to work this morning, and of course, as per usual, I forgot what they were.

I am, however, feeling better about my trip since I spoke with my carpooling partner who, in addition to laughing at my obsessing (surprisingly, laughing at me usually makes me feel better as long as you aren't being cruel), was very happy to continue to plan with me. And I am prepared to fully ignore the women folk in preference to the men if they are anything less than friendly which, should make them love me all the more but, um, it was the men folk I was friends with in the first place and well, ifn they can't handle my presence, it's their problem not mine. I am going to go eat pringles and easy cheeze, wheat thins and chocolate donuts, and they can have their insecurity and their diets. Good golly, I'd be a wreck if I felt all the time like I felt yesterday and THANK GOODNESS I snapped out of it. and THANK GOODNESS I am aware of the possibility for feeling that way again so I can avoid it. Because I still don't think I am the problem. I'd admit it if I were.

There might be more later. If not, I will be thinking of our wonderful service people as I tube on the river this weekend and bless them with every chocolate donut. I shall drink heartily the Seagrums 7 and Hawaiian Punch and toast jollily with black cherry soda. Unless I have a major inspiration between now and noon when I plan to go home, I will see you all (likely) Monday.

Buncha stuff

I'm sick of hearing about American Idol. Never agreed with the show, and it seems like it has become a cultural phenomenon that I am ashamed to be even remotely associated with. (It's the American thing) I didn't give a fuck about Sanjaya and his hair, I could care less about the others. Do I wish them success in their chosen endevors? Of course! But the hype? is rediculous. Hows about we focus on something of substance? there's a war going on, for it or against it. Our planet is changing day by day regardless of what you think is the cause. Science is is walking a fine line between when can and what should be done, our food supply hardly edible, and being modified every day... and who will be our next American idol?

A 60 year old woman gave birth to twins the other day. She is calling herself a role model. Generally, I feel as though people can do as they please with their bodies. This woman is selfish. No matter how I look at it, she's going to be 70 when her newborns are 10. Although people live longer nowadays, she has subjected her youngest children to a lifetime without their mother. Because even if she lives to be 100? Chances are, they'll be changing her diapers when they are barely out of thier own. No, she wasn't thinking of her youngest child when she provided him two more siblings, closer to his age, and she isn't a role model for older women. She's a selfish woman desperately trying to hold onto her youth. I used to work with a woman who was a late in life surprise. And it was hard for her to constantly worry about her aging parents. She used to tell me how upsetting it was to watch them go senile, to have to constantly care for them. She said it was hard to be a late in life surprise. I can't imagine doing that to your children on purpose.

I'm nervous about camping this weekend. I'm anxious about it. fearful, for the first time that my friends don't want me around. There has been very little pre-trip excitement. Very little crap talking about so and so being afraid to go in the water. Or, if there has been, I have not been involved. Have I done anything to deserve being ostracized? no. But there is a disturbance in our group dynamic and it upsets me. It isn't that I think I am the cause of it, I think I am caught up in it through very little fault of my own. for things that happened in the past that have nothing to do with the present. A year ago, sensing that this might happen, I promised myself that I would fade out. But when it came down to it, I missed the comraderie I have gained through 15 years of friendship. And there were those who still acted like they wanted me around. I think, at least, I will be able to escape to some alone time if it comes down to it. That there will be places for me to get away. I will, hopefully, be able to engross myself in a book if nothing else. I'm going because I could be wrong. I could be oversensitive, I could be overreacting. And I refuse to be cast out on account of jealousy. I am not a threat.

Uncontainable excitement

Weeknd recap

So Friday night, I almost burned my house down when I set the box my food came in on the stove, then turned on the wrong burner. I am eternally thankful that I did not get the food started and then wander off to multitask like I usually do. At first when I smelled the burning, I thought it was just a dirty burner. When I saw smoke, I knew I was wrong. Phew! later, I went to the movies and saw Invisible. Which I thought was very good except for one cheezy part. But still good.

Saturday, I over booked like I haven't overbooked in a long time. I was up at 5:30 (ish) to volunteer at 6 until 10:30 or so (A charity run. it was fun. I had forgotten that even here in the burbs there can be a strong sense of community if you hang with the right people) Anyway, it was home from there and then to the grocery so I could make pasta salad. I also made Orange Sorbet out of leftover race oranges. I had a little bit of time to relax before I went to OB to a Bad Girls of Craft BBQ and swap. Had to be there at 2. The house was a couple of blocks away from where my great grandparents lived and the house and view were unbelieveable. The woman hosting was a bad girl I hadn't met yet and she and her husband were fantastic.

Being at the BBQ/Swap made me late for the dinner party I attended that night. I arrived nice and stressed, but calmed down quickly among a group of people I didn't know. But they were very nice and I had a great time.

Yesterday, I went out and about with long lost friend Chris. It was weird hanging out with someone i hadn't seen in 15 years. We had a good time and he spoiled me rotten with museums. the Space Theater (science center. we didn't go in for an Imax, we just played with all the science stuff) Ice cream (which I ended up wearing in a display of mess that I hadn't experienced in years) walkabout the park. we visited the International Houses, and the Botanical garden. Drank lemonade and then met a couple of the Bunco Girls in La Jolla for the Bodies Exhibit. super cool. I mean like, really. Introduced Chris to Pho (well, he had Bun, I had Pho, but you know, details) and then he took me home.

I've been fighting a cold for about a week now, and today I was so worn out, it hit me. So I went home sick. Slept most of the day. Laid around in my punk kitty PJ's. I'll probably hit the sack before too long. I just wanted to check in,

oh. ick

ordinarly, I can handle any sort of medical anomoly you put in front of me. I look forward to visiting the Mutter Museum one fine day. but today, I happened across some pictures on Ebaumsworld of infected tonsils and well. nasty. If you want to see it, you're going to have to go look because I am NOT linking to it. Don't say I didn't warn you. All I can think is that people actually allow themselves to get that sick and, if I was retentive about the health of my tonsils before, I will be keeping an extra close watch on them and, eew, the smell/taste!

bleah. This has been an official gross out.

Tearjerker alert

As some of you may know, my nephew, Finn, has Autism. A beautiful little boy, my cousin and her husband work closely with therapists every day in order to help him live a life that we see as normal. To hear him asking for things (please?) when I talk to her on the phone brings untold joy.

I learned this morning through an email that an old friend from High school's son also has Autism. This makes two "old friends from high school" with autistic children and one sister-cousin. And NWJR. When the movie Rain Man came out when I was a child, I remember my parents explaining Autism, and how it was a pretty rare occurrence. It seems to me that it's not so rare any more. I never thought I would meet an Autistic Individual. Now I know that I meet them every day.

Emily sent me the following link this morning. According to the email, the band "Five for Fighting" will donate $.49 every time the video is viewed to Autism Speaks, a research charity. Watching this wonderfully put together picture video nearly had me sobbing at my desk. Please. Go watch. Learn. Understand.

Someday, I hope that Finn will look me in the eye and smile. It would be a gift to hear him address me as Aunt. Through therapeutic efforts, I'm confident that he will.

Devan

dilemma

We should all have these struggles, really.

My mom has promised me a cruise for my 30th birthday. Originally, she was going to use the free one that she obtained when she bought into some kind of timeshare thing that she is now thinking might be a little fishy. Being that she just had to book the cruise, not pay additional for it, I was all over it. Since she is thinking it may have been a scam, she is looking at other options. (I would be ok with cancelling the cruise idea being as she may have to pay out of pocket for it and that's A LOT)

This morning she called and asked me if I wouldn't be interested in going on a Blues Cruise. Same destination, all Bluesin', all the time. Apparently, her friends have been a couple of times and really enjoyed it. So I went to the website.

Now, I love music. It is one of the great joys I have. And Jazz? The old stuff? will have me toe tappin and singing along in no time. I know, from the pictures and descriptions, that this event would be one big party.

Except, I don't want one big party. When I think of cruises, I think of sunning on the deck, swimming in the pool. Talking to the bartender like on The Love Boat. it didn't help that this? looks like it would be right up Biker Bob's alley. All music, all the time. but I don't think it's mine. I prefer quiet. Maybe a dinner party, or whatever it is they do on ships. Music is my background, not my life. anymore. Once upon a time, I would have been thrilled at the opportunity. Once upon a time before I became completely disenchanted with show business all together. Before I dated the comedian. and the musician. Since both were pretty well obsessed, it quite a bit ruined it for me. I like the idea of attending a live music review, but when I am done, I want to leave. I don't want to have to hear everyone talking about it for days. I don't want my only entertainment to be live bands.

I fear this experience would be lost on me. I don't have an interest in going down and listening to music. I don't want to lay on a deck vibrating with bass. It doesn't sound leisurely.

Then again, I could be totally wrong. It could be spectacular. It could be the opportunity of a lifetime. And maybe it will be. Next time. This time though, I think I would rather have the quiet. Now I just have to tell my mom that I don't like her idea...

And then I feel spoiled. I should take whatever opportunities are handed me and appreciate them because opportunity is not a lengthy visitor. I should make the best of it because, well, I'm not supposed to look a gift horse in the mouth, right?

Except it's a week out of my life that I may not enjoy and it would be a huge waste of resources to go if I don't want to.

we should all have these dilemmas.

Changing minds

I was going to post on my thoughts regarding the recent passing of Jerry Fallwell. then I thought perhaps I should compose my thoughts better so that I don't present myself as being preachy or gleeful in the matter. Because really, I am neither. Then, all thoughts on the Reverend were superceded by the following:

Have you ever gone without something for a long time, and then finally allowed yourself to indulge? And experenced that feeling of "I just can't possibly get enough"?

I'm feeling that way right this moment. So I thought I would share it with you all.

There's just nothing quite like mint chip ice cream. sigh.

Meme from Fringes

First memory
It may be strange, but I sincerely believe that my first memory was in-utero (en?) I remember my father telling my sister to look at the Alligator in It's a Small World at Disneyland. When I asked my mom about it years later, she said that they had indeed gone to Disneyland when she was pregnant with me. Since they split for good not long after I was born, it is doubtful that my parents ever went to Disneyland together again. The next couple of memories were probably aroung 2 yrs. maybe 3. They are far more traumatic.

First injury
HAD to be the time I was at Knotts Berry Farm and I got my fingers shut in the restroom door jam. I would have been 5 or 6. I'm not sure why I rested my hand there, but my poor Seester came bursting out of the restroom when she heard me scream. I remember her comforting me and I remember going to the medical people who put my very squished finger in a splint. They also soaked me in ice water and asked if I was married which pissed me off because they were asking stupid questions. Of course I wasn't married! I got xrays for that one and got to wear my splint at school which of course made me cool.

First lie
First big lie. 5th grade. I was lazy and wanted to socialize instead of doing my big research report on "Explorers" So each day when my teacher would ask where we were on the project, I would tell her I was right were I should be with it. Of course it caught up with me. And I was in huge trouble. I don't really think now that the level of punishment matched the crime, but I was definately miserable for awhile.

First person I admired
Probably my Seester. She is 4 years older and was SO grown up. and SO cool. and she used to sing to me. I just couldn't wait to be like her. I still admire her greatly and look up to her. And she's still there to help when my fingers get stuck in heavy door jams.

First time drunk
I was 18. a little buzzed, not really drunk. And the story isn't exciting. Or really even notable.

First failure
I don't know that I have failed. Have I not succeeded? yeah. many times. have I made mistakes? have I wished I had handled things differently? YES! But I'm still alive, and I learned and I moved on (mostly) I don't call that failure.

First success
I see every day as a success.

First trip abroad
I have yet to leave the country except to go to Mexico, but that doens't count because I haven't been past Roserita and I live in a border town.

First concert.
The Greatful Dead. Thats a good story.

First thing I do when I get up
Turn the sink water on to heat up while I pee.

In other news, I recieved the following message on MySpace yesterday.

How are you doing Ginamonster ?
Are you tired of throwing your money away every time you go and buy hair extensions and get your weave done? If the answer to my question is yes, then check out my page.
I sell the solution to bad hair days. I have sent you a friend’s request.

Have you heard about lace front wigs?
Lace front wigs and full lace wigs are wigs that have invisible hair line that allows hair to appear as the hair is actually growing right from your scalp!!!! and this wig is free style, so it can be parted from anywhere

These wigs are made of the highest quality Indian or Chinese hair and they can be custom made just to fit your head.

I have post some pictures of Beyonce wearing lace front wig. These wigs are so amazing and soooo undetectable to the eye.

Please if you have any questions feel free to send me a note.

Thanks

Joyce

To which I replied...

Hi Joyce,
Thank you for thinking of me. At this time I use neither weaves nor wigs to achieve my hair styles. I also don't believe that Indian or Chinese hair will match the texture and color that natrually grows from my head. Good luck with your business.


In other, other news, I learned yesterday that Coworker K is not only a dad but a Grandpa. Eek! now I'm attracting grandpas! Actually, things have gone back to normal on that front. If anyone acts funny it's me.

Here's the triple other,

I learned last nigh that Wayne "doesn't like" me anymore. Which would explain why he has been doing his best to insult me and try and convince me to quit Harbucks since it's a "waste of my time". Honestly, he's been treating me like the Sportos did in high school. You know, where they make fun of who you are and try to hurt your feelings. Luckily, I like who I am and who I have become and I am not about to change myself because some asshole decides I am not who he wants me to be. I realized back in high school that the people who don't accept me for who I am aren't worth my time. And there is certainly no room in my world for bullies and assholes. I think that once he realized that I wasn't going to sleep with him, he had no use for me. And of course it's my fault in his mind because he's such a catch. I kind of feel sorry for him a little bit. And I am NOT quitting, he can go hang out at another Harbucks if he doesn't want to see me there.

This kind of scares me

I am smarter than 98.81% of the rest of the world.
Find out how smart you are.

I have no title, only sadness

Today we learned, sadly, that Coworker's Best Friend's daughter was killed in a drunk driving accident. She was 15 years old. The driver that hit them was drunk and on drugs, and so, it turns out, was the girl driving the car (drunk). The driver survived and will have to live her entire life knowing that her actions killed a young woman. When CBF learned she had been drinking, she un-invited her to her daughter's funeral.

After the intial shock wore off, I imagined the pain coworker was in at that moment, and wondered what I would say to her when she returned from lunch, I considered the following bit of sadness.

Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days in jail for violating the terms of her probation, earned for a drunk driving offense. There are those who believe that Paris should go free, or at least it appears that way. When I checked the website of freeparis.org, and the myspace connected to it, I discovered that although there are a lot of options to buy a t shirt and sign the petition, the 1500 "friends" on MySpace were the kind of spammers that I spend occational evenings clearing out of my "friend request box", neither site had a whole lot of backup, and it looked like a big joke. A way to get publicity.
However, what isn't funny is that Paris thinks she should not have to go to jail. She thinks the judge was being mean to her. Her mother believes that they spent a lot of money and she should not have to go to jail. I think she's lucky not to have killed someone the night she went out for an In and Out Burger (Third person I know of that got a DUI because they were drunk and wanted a burger. One of them almost did kill someone. But he didn't complain about the TWO months he was in jail, he thanked his lucky stars he didn't kill that woman after all).

I fear that she will not learn her lesson. That 30 days in a 10 x 10 with 2 pairs of underwear a week and no privacy will make her feel like a martyr. And those who support her will continue to scream foul because she's rich, famous, beautiful (I don't agree, but eye of the beholder) she shouldn't have to follow the law. I wonder what it will take for our society to understand that we are all equal in the eyes of the law. Or at least, we are supposed to be.

Coworker, when we talked about it, said something that will haunt me for awhile. She said it could have been her son. That her friend had put in the same effort and love raising her daughter as she had her son.
Then, to top it off, she asked me what she was going to tell her son. Because they were close, he and that little girl. they had known each other since they were 5. He had the biggest crush on her.

Tonight Coworker will have to face one of the toughest moments of her parenting career. I wish there was something I could do. But like I told her, I know there is nothing I can say that will make it better.

Perhaps people who get caught DUI should have to attend the funerals of people killed by drunk drivers. Perhaps when they see the pain it causes when a life is taken...No. I think that the kind of people who don't take responsibility for thier actions, who think they are above the law wouldn't be affected.

I heard them call her a role model.

The interview

I almost forgot about PChef's interview! It made me feel like a rockstar-and I don't mean the drink. In fact, I think when I am done with it I shall go flip on the Guns n Roses and dance around in my banjo pants for a bit.



Everybody needs a pair of pink banjo pants. and this picture? makes my ass look small. must have been that whole half hour I spent in the exercize room today. Or it's the fact that I didn't take a picture of my butt...MY GOD! I have zombie hands!

So here it is!


1. After you die, you are given the chance to be reborn as an animal, which animal would you choose?

HMMM. Animals are so incredibly cool that it's hard to choose. And looking around the office, I don't get a whole lot of inspiration since I am surrounded by Potato Heads. I don't think I can come back as one of those. Oh, there's also a monkey and a sock "lemur"



HMMM. I think I would be some sort of feline. big or small. Because I'm a carnivore at heart (hmm. do I want steak for dinner?) and if you pet me enough, I purr.

2. What is the most important thing you've accomplished in your life?

Building a relationship with my family. I see so many that don't get along, who can't stand each other, and I know how blessed I am to have mine. Without them I would be nothing. I also consider it a great accomplishment that I have made peace with my Step Dad. While I will never forget everything that happened back then, at least I can now see through the eyes of an adult that he did the best he could in a situation that I have to admit, I wouldn't choose. It has allowed me to start to build a relationship with him and his "new" little family. I can't imagine my life without him, jill, and the twins even if I don't see them often. That's a big step considering there was a time when I would have been happy to never see him again.

3. After your death, an author will write your biography. What will the title be and who will play you in the movie version?
OOH! It would be something like "Smiling Through the Tears" and I would be played by Scarlett Johanson. She's the only star currently in Hollywood who's boobs are as nice as mine.

4. If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?

My father. I try to accept him, but I just can't. I want him to be the man I know he can be, but he has allowed his sickness and his drugs to take over his life. I want him to know his grandkids, I want him to have a relationship with his children. What I do accept is that his is a sick man with a serious addiction. and he blames everyone else for his problems. Without proper psychiactric help, he will never be the man he once was. And he won't admit that he needs it. Nor will he admit he has a drug problem. If ever he wants to be a productive member of society, get clean and act like an adult, I will welcome him back into my life. Until then, I won't hold my breath, I'll just remember the good times, like how I only catch fish when I go fishing with him. And how he makes the world's best omlettes.

5. If you were to write a personal ad, what would it say?

Silly, crafty, smartass seeks handsome drug free man with similar attributes to share cookies and laughter. Must like birds, yarn, Disney Movies and soap. Good conversation and a sense of humor is a must. ADD and Witchcraft Tolerant. Shower singers a plus. Must also think banjo pants are sexy.

Long time no...blog?

Or at least it seems like that way. I don't have a whole lot to report. I enjoyed Spiderman. It started out a little slow, but by the end, I was jumping out of my seat. It was fun watching Topher Grace on the big screen. I think he's cute. He played an ass.

Went to play with my friends on Saturday night. It was the first time we had a gathering where the men folk went outside and stayed there, and the ladies, stayed inside. Since I am somewhere in between, it was strange for me. It wasn't a wild party, just a kick back, Usually we all play together, this time, like last, there was a definate seperation of gender. Last time, I went and playeg Guitar Hero with the boys while the women talked about weddings, this time I stayed in and conversed. Felt like I talked about myself a lot. I don't like that feeling. There were a few other feelings I didn't like either, but I won't get into that here. Like Rich, I am feeling less than anonymous these days, which isn't surprising, I am open about my blog, I just don't give out the adress. But it's easy to find if you know me, you know?

was feeling cranky today. At work. I have decided that when my review comes around, (soon) I need to express my discomfort and the way I think we should fix it. You see, CoWorker and I have the same job description. I don't know if I have mentioned that we are supposed to be interchangable. Over the past couple of years, I have watched her take over a good portion of the available job duties. I have grown increasingly insecure about my position. I have tearfully metioned it to Bossman. But still the puch remains that we should be interchangable. That we do the same things. We don't. She has certain duties that I stay away from, although I could take over in an emergency, because they are detail oriented and having more than one finger in the pie could really fuck things up. She doesn't reproduce drawings.

Today, she touched the drawings, doing something that I could have done (because it needed to be done) which would have meant that I would have spent 10 less minutes "goofing off" and 10 more minutes feeling useful to my department. And I became angry.

I kept it to myself as I am wont to do until I can understand why I am angry, and I came to realize that my anger was misdirected. That it isn't her fault she ends up doing all the work while I surf the net until someone makes a drawing request, It's managements responsibility to make sure that duties are evenly distributed. That people have clear, consise job duties, and while cross training is essential, it is just as important that there be a seperation of duties. And EVEN seperation of duties not a "free for all" that goes to the first person to grab the work. The first person happening to be Coworker because she is closest to the door. And she is the type of person who will do any work that comes across her desk. And no matter how often I offer to help, and I do almost every day, she keeps the work because she is probably just as insecure about her position as I am about mine! (and she has 3 kids to support) She wants to make sure she is essential. So do I. And I think i is my management staff's responsibility to ensure that we are both comfortable. I don'e expect to be busy all the time. More frequently would be great.

There was, after all, plenty to do today, and NO time to surf the net which felt pretty good, actually.

Look! Something Shiny!

I spent most of last night playing with my loom and while I am not going to say that I am a master weaver, I seem to be getting the hang of it. I definately think I need to take hre warp off and start from scratch.
Other than that, I had a marvelously thoughtful post while I was in the shower, but now I have forgotten what it was. Remind me not to "sleep on it" any more.
In other news, I have a n interview from Painting Chef, and an award from Michelle! I will put the award sticker on my sidebar one of these days soon and post the interview as soon as I remember I need to do it while at home.
In other, other news, I have tickets to go see Spiderman tonight. neener neener.

about to shut down

I finally got tired of waiting for someone to come along (or me to get the courage to ask, you know, pick one, I know which one is true.) and I gathered up a good dishing of determination (or stupidity, pick one) and hauled my new loom out of the car and up to my apartment. Since I don't have my own camera crew, there are no pictures of me all hot and sweaty carrying it through my apartment complex. Although I can see the street from my tower, I cannot see my car. (actually, the trees are almost completely blocking my porch and bedroom window these days which is WAY COOL. It feels like I live in a tree house) but there is a picture of the loom in it's current home.



I spent a good portion of my evening untangling warp threads (she said it was ready to go, but I think she may have been on crack. Actually, she was a very nice lady. strange, as people of my faith so often are, but nice) and then, after I cut off several lengths of very nice chenille and even nicer (what appears to be) silk, I went ahead and started warping the thing so I can use it. This weaving thing might just kill me because although the HOUR I spent in the exercize room last night didn't seem to hurt me a bit (Are you proud of me? I have been bragging all day. and no, I didn't just read in there, AND I didn't go to look at cute boys, I had the place all to myself, which is just how I like it)

So my back hurts, my shoulders hurt and my hands ache in a way that is abnormal but becoming normal in my world. I stopped for awhile to go get Taco Bell (the drive through boy flirted with me. yes I am bragging, he was like, 16. he actually said to me, "what's a woman like you doing poisoning herself in a place like this?" heh. I told him it is 31 cent scoop night at Baskin Robbins and I thought since I was in the area, I'd Taco Bell it. So I did (I learned that the 1/2 pound bean and rice burrito has TOMATOES in it. I tried to pick them out but I think I might have eaten a couple. thankfully I did not die like the Rock King in Return To Oz). Meanwhile, I ate my two scoops on my way home (I knitted in line and made friends with two children and their mom in the process. apparently, I am no longer frightening to children. they flirt with me a lot too, in their sweet child like way, and it makes me happy)

I thought I would post my very exciting evening before I collapse face first into a pile of dusty yarn. I really fear I might. Goodnight.

Oh boy.

Would you believe that yesterday, a coworker after asking how I am doing, relpied that I am NOT happy, and that I would be happy when I found Mr Right?

I was speechless, and left after she wouldn't listen to my arguments that I don't need a man to make me happy (I believe that if I can't make myself happy, neither can anyone else) because my admittance that having a man in my world would be nice supported her argument.

Later, I felt sorry for her. Because she apparently feels that she needs a man to be happy and can't understand how a woman's life really can feel complete and fulfilled without one.

Just let me be me

Generally, the face I present on any given day is mine. I have grown to accept who I am and I like me. if I come across a trait I don't like, I try to remember to change it. Sure, it is rare that any one person outside of my family and close friends knows me well, but I like to pretend that is part of my allure. And, if you pay any attention to me at all, you know that I'm pretty open.

Most people just don't pay attention.

Last night I went out with the Starbucks crew. I was torn about going because I love being at home so much, but I said I would go and I knew if I went that I would have a good time. And I did.

A couple of things bothered me greatly.

I took my knitting with me, knowing that I would have to wait for people to arrive (I did) and likely a table (we did) I knit, and chatted with the delightful hostess until my group arrived, and then I continued to chat with everyone while we waited for a table. I don't like waiting, and I don't like sitting still. Crafting has become my answer for this problem when reading or sleeping is not an option. Trust me, people get really uncomfortable when I get antsy and start pacing. When we arrived at the table, I proceeded to finish my row so that I could put it away.

From the other end of the table, Wayne yells at me to put away my knitting. He says I'm not 80. I flipped him off, finished my row, and put away my yarn. He announced that he was very impressed with my use of sign language (in different words of course) so I did it again and went back to my conversation.

I generally use profanity sparingly. Mostly because I tend to be at work or in front of children where I don't feel it appropriate to yell "FUCK" across the room. I tend to replace foul language with terms that are more acceptable. FFFFUDGE! or FFFFFOR PETES SAKE, or more recently, CRUMBS!!. I don't know where that last one came from, except it's frustrating when I get crumbs everywhere. I guess my point is, that I am nearing 30. I should not be applauded for my use of profanity. In fact, should I choose to use it, I don't think it should be remarked upon at all.

Partway through my second Mango Margarita, Wayne yells from the other end of the table, "Hey Gina! I'm really proud of you! You're drinking!" to which I replied, "Oh, get over it Wayne, you've seen me drink, and, by the way this is my second one so shut up" and I offered up an example if a time when I not only drank in his presence, but he bought me the drinks.

I don't drink often. I might occationally have one if I feel like it, or if I am out, I might have two if I feel like I can handle it and still go home. I don't think it is cause to celebrate or something worthy of note. I am an adult, if I choose to have a drink, it is my right to do so. Personally? I think it is more something to be applauded when a person can go out and NOT have a drink or 4. I don't drink because I want to get drunk, (usually) I drink bacause Mango Margaritas are yummy.

Aside from Wayne, the girls were also encouraging me to get drunk and party with them. I told them I have to be at work early, but they didn't care. This is behavior I can expect from ladies their age and it didn't really bother me. I hope as they grow more mature that they come to understand that some people don't want to get drunk all the time.

There are two big reasons that I don't drink very much or very often. One is that there us a strong history of drug and alcohol abuse in my family. I have one parent who is a drug addict and another who, if she is not borderline, then she is an unadmittted alchoholic. Her mother is an alcoholic (who, I am very proud to say, has not had a drink in several years. And she has never felt better. Way to go Grandma!) My Seester and I looked at ourselves one day several years ago when we were sharing drinking stories and realized that we should be careful. We promised each other to say something if one of us was getting out of control. Sometimes, that small amount of support is all you need when you admit there could be a problem in the future. The other reason I don't drink often, is that I feel that I have a responsibility to my employer to show up to work ready and able to work. Hangovers are a bitch. So is getting very little sleep. I have enough trouble concentrating without adding a case of the spins and the pervasive scent of alcohol oozing from my pores. ugh. I have learned that I don't need chemicals to have a good time. I like me this way.

For some reason, the topic of my sex life came up. Xtina announced that she is going to start a Rabbit fund for me. I tried to explain that I am not interested in adult toys. She wouldn't back down. a rowdy conversation about adult toys followed. I explained that I have owned them and never used them (Bunco Prizes). I won't go into details, but I just don't like the idea of them for me. Other people can have them all they want. They also told me that I "need to get laid". Since when is that a need? They encouraged me (everyone but the good girls at the table who are waiting until they get married) to go out and find some young guy.

Frankly, I don't understand why people don't get that I am happy. Would it be nice to have someone special in my world? yeah. but I want him to be just that. special. Otherwise, it just isn't worth it. Not worth the frustration of having someone around I would rather not hang with. Not worth the time spent developing something wher there isn't a future. I did that already. Too many times. So no, Bug Guy, I don't really want you to find me a husband. And no, Starbucks crew, I don't "need to go get laid" what I need is to continue to develop myself as a person so that I can be a good partner when the right person comes along.

Time wasting aside, we live in a world where casual sex just isn't safe. Drug resistant strains of transmittable diseases pop up constantly. AIDS is a reality no matter what your age, gender or orientation. for heaven sakes, Herpes. The gift that keeps on giving. NO THANKS. Am I afraid to get out there? yeah. can you blame me? I don't care to be promiscuous. I would much rather "go without". So no more wisecracks about not getting any. apparently, people take me seriously.

No wonder I generally would rather just stay at home.

Saturday, a bunch of the crew are going to the beach to play with Wayne's Snooba. It's a scuba tank on a float with a tube and a regualtor. That way you can "dive" without all the gear. I don't dive. I don't want to dive. I don't want to snooba. Being underwater hurts my ears since they do not pressurize properly, and I don't like breating compressed air. Or through a tube. Snorkling is a struggle for me. Teh only way I will go is with MY snorkle which has a valve on top to keep the water from coming in.

I'm thinking about whether I want to go. It would be fun to go snorkle around and spend the day at the beach. I haven't done that in a long time. It would be fun to spend time with Allison, Steven, and Shaylyn (the "good" kids) I do have fun with the others. But do I really want to spend time with Wayne based on the way he has been treating me lately? Do I really want to hang out with someone who continuously makes fun of me in public for being who I am? So I really want him to see me in my bikini?

I'm torn. I told Steven (who asked me if I was going Saturday, which really made me happy) that my attendance would depend on the mood I am in when I wake up on Saturday. Whether I "feel" like going. So I left myself an out for once. I'm glad I have all week to consider it because I really want to make the right decision for me.