Multipliers

It's been a couple of weeks since I have particiapted in Liv Lane's little bliss list. And I have to say that those two weeks have been some of the most perfect and blissful times. It would take me all day to list out everything that has happened to make me smile, so I list what I can remember right now...

Watching the sunset and dancing in the kitchen.
My flowers are starting to bloom
I'm getting my house in order again
Planning trips
Spreading the joy

The dance party looked a little bit like this...

 

Being thankful every day for all the gifts, past present and future. I really am so very, very blessed

Copyright for the image above belongs to Bill Waterson. Thank you Bill, for all the wonderful smiles over the years.

So much to do, so little time!

I'm trying really hard to um... post at appropriate times. Which is part of why I haven't been posting.

I hope to get back to my little bliss list this week. I have had SO much bliss in the last couple weeks and its made me sad not to be able to tell you about it. My mom was in town and my house is clean (although there is a mystery smell. hm) I'm getting reorganized and prepared for the next phase of my life.

That sounds ominous. It's not. My tenure on the Reno Roller Girls Board of directors is coming to an end and so I will have one less hat to wear. I will still be the hed ref. I will still handle merchandise. But rather than pick up a different on-the-board thread, I'm going to focus on other things.

I'm going to catch up on the online artsy course I am taking. I'm a little behind on my homework. It's ok. I'm looking forward to catching up. Playing with my watercolors, even in a very simple manner was FUN.

Work has been pleasantly busy.

Other things are going well too.

And I am trying to follow the direction I recieved from the Universe the other day to be thankful ahead of time for the gifts I am given. Funny. amazing. its working.

A rare dream post

I don't generally share my dreams because they are never as interesting in the retelling as they were in the experience. Last night was a little different.

I dreamed that I was being stalked by a serial killer who was killing people just to terrorize me. He would send me pictures and newspaper clippings and body parts. Gooey body parts, not like, arms and legs and stuff. Sometimes, he would even kill the people in a manner wher I could see them die but I couldn't see where he was. Like the person who fell out of nowhere onto an iron fence in the middle of a party.

It was creepy. It was scary. It was graphic.

I really need to stop watching Dexter before bed.

Passing out the goodies

My boss is in town today. I don't see her very often. I like her. She has this amazing energy. 

This afternoon, she stopped by our cube. And at some point, right after I fed her some chocolate,s he smiled really big and handed me her phone. she wanted to see an email she had received. She was happy because one of my coworkers had complemented her. had thanked her for her support. She shared that moment with me, which was awesome and something clicked in my head.

You see, as an underling, I really appreciate when my supervisors tell me I am doing a good job. More than a paycheck, it is this that validation that makes me want to go to work. 

I have forgotten that I would do well to remember to pass it up sometimes. It's so easy to forget that my managers and supervisors have a tough job. And that they need to know when they are doing right by me.

I'm going to try harder to be more thankful. Maybe you could do the same today.

A couple of things that opened my eyes

While looking for a picture of my beloved goat Cody, I happened across some old posts. And wow. I sure did share a lot in the beginning. Things that I probably should have kept to myself. Things I had forgotten that I felt. And while I would never go back and delete those posts, I think I am glad I have learned to keep certain things to myself. Its been a hard lesson. I know that I have said things that have hurt people, even though that was never ever my intention. I know that I have shared things that were better kept private. Or, at least just between myself and the person of whom I was writing.
But I suppose that I can accept the difference between the me who is now and the me who was then. I hope I have reined it in a bit. Not for you, although there have probably been a few over-shares over the years, but for me and the people I care about. There have been many times in the last couple years where I have really really needed to talk it out. And here is the place I would have gone, once upon a time to talk about those things. Over the last year, I have had moments where I didn't know I could feel so alone. I have had ups and downs and all arounds. If I had bared it all, I would have lost so much more than I could have gained. So I decided instead to focus on joyful things. Those are the things that pulled me through. That and the reminder that no matter where I go, so go my issues and troubles. And that we all have issues. We all have ups and downs and all arounds. Sometimes we feel all alone. And then a friend comes knocking on the door unexpectedly for no other reason than to say hello.

I just needed to get that out.

Little Bliss List

It's been an... Interesting week to say the least. A rollercoaster at best. But that doesn't mean that I haven't been able to find things to be blissful about!

1. Reconnecting with an old friend.

2. BRATTY IS BACK IN THE OFFICE! With her return, things went, ahhhh.

3. Spontaneous dinner with another friend. We had chocolate cake and ice cream for dessert. hee hee.

4. Got some knitting done this week. I'm not done with the project, but knowing I made progress is good.

5. I'm moving back into a "get my life in order" phase. Which is good because I was derailed for a little bit and I don't like it when that happens.

To see other people's bliss list and perhaps to join in the fun, head on over to Liv Lane's blog! She's good people with neat things to say.

Like I don't have anything else going on...

I've been thinking lately about me.

Ok, I think about me all the time. When I'm not thinking about myself, I think about other people. And cupcakes. Or Whoopie Pies. Whatever.

The point is, that this year I have been thinking a lot about me and who I am and who I want to be. This is how I improve myself. I know I have a lot of room for improvement. I hope I always do. Part of this thinking about me is thinking about the girl I used to be. And the parts of her I would like to revive.

For example, I used to be a person who paid her bills as soon as they arrived. But more exciting than that, I used to be a doodler. and a little bit of a painter. Mostly because we had this really neat watercolor paper and I liked to paint butterflies on it. little fields of flowers and butterflies.

Then, at some point, I became a little self concious. then I grew into REALLY self concious. Suddenly, my doodles were not good enough. And I didn't know what to paint anymore. Then, dare I say? I was embarrassed?

No one made me that way, I did it to myself by thinking I was not good enough. But that doesn't really matter, does it? It doesn't matter who thinks I am a good enough doodler because I just like to doodle.

The day after I remembered that I am actually something of an artistic critter, I came across this blog. She's holding one of those expanding your artiness online workshop thingies.

For the first time I thought, "I should join in" then I thought maybe I shouldn't. But I did. Its going to be hard. But hopefully it will remind me that it doesn't matter what other people think. I need to be free to be me. I even made a doodle. not that kind, the drawring kind. and I even almost showed it to you. I tried anyway.

Growing. It's never easy.

Cryptic posts decyphered

Did I spell that right? I never can tell.

I got a message the other day from the Cowboy. That's right. That one. The message said that he had an undeniable urge to see me. That he couldn't explain it but that it would do his soul good to see me.

I agreed. I can't ignore something like that. it would be ignoring the very loud voice of the universe. Sometimes the messages are garbled up in the daily grind. This time, it couldn't be more clear.

I can't say that it didn't throw me for a loop. He broke my heart and I still miss him sometimes. We had good times. But I didn't want to go through again what I went through with T. I'm not an idiot. It hurt. I would be lying though if I didn't admit that I've been looking for a similar connection in every guy I've dated since. Only, you know, with someone who wanted to be with me.

Even though I said we could still be friends, I didn't try very hard and it didn't take long for us to fade out of each others lives.

Fast forward a bit and I sent him a  facebook friend request. he accepted. There have been a couple of times that I have wondered if that was a wise decision, especially between the moment I hit send and it took a bit for him to respond and the point in which I got a response. We didn't really communicate so it was ok. It was nice to see little glimpses of his successes. I've been so proud of him for what he has accomplished. then he sent me the message.

So we met. and had a drink. Well, I had a soda. I didn't need the added difficulty of alcohol. I didn't know how the meeting would go, but it was good. we caught up. we talked about our dogs. We talked about our houses. About our businesses. maybe we might have dinner or catch a movie sometime.

It's good to know I have my friend again.

More cryptic posts

I have been holding something (ok, many things) back today and its been really really hard and I will consider talking about it when I know what is going on.

Just know that the universe is stirring my cauldron and well, I hope to have a clue as to why tomorrow evening. We all know I stir my own cauldron just fine. I get things all spinny and frothy and worked up, and then I remind myself that I really prefer calm waters and to knock it off because whatever it is is all in my head. And then I am fine until I get a little dehydrated again.

The moral of the story is to drink plenty of water, kids.

Just know that right now, for myself, I am praying for wisdom and poise. And that is the best I can do with it. This time, it really is the Universe doing weird things and I have to go along with it because when the universe talks, its better to listen.

In other news I am starving. And if someone doesn't feed me a slab of meat or a sausage or a meatball soon I might chew my arm off. I don't know why. I had breakfast. I had lunch. At least I am not craving whoopie pies. Or cupcakes. Nope, its the savory I want.

Send cheeseburgers. With bacon. protein style. I don't want to be bothered with bread right now. Actually, just send a cow. I will gnaw on it's leg or something.

I drew you a picture. I was proud of it. but I'm afraid you won't be able to see it until blogger lets me upload PDF files. Or until I can save it at home. There's no solid fix for my computer in sight...

Later... (like 5 minutes later)

I just took the pencil out of my hair because it was in so tight my scalp has a dent in it. Right obove my dent is what feels like a pencil induced curl. These things only happen at work. I might have to have Debby or Bratty look at the back of my head so I know how funny looking it is.

If I am craving meat like I am craving meat that means that the next step MAY be monsterous ugly migraine because I haven't been eating enough protein. Shit.

Lentils, lentils, everywhere

D used to tease me that if he cut off my arm, rolled tacos would fall out. Or Potstickers. Or...

Truth is, that in addition to being a disorderly eater, I am also a binge eater. Yes. I over eat, but that isn't actually what I mean.

I mean that I find something I like and then I eat very little else until I don't want to eat that any more.

Which is why I no longer buy frozen pretzles. Except sometimes when I am at the grocery and I happen to remember that I really like the cheese filled bite sized ones. Yum.

Lucky for the size of my butt, I don't really remember very often that I like those when I am at the grocery store. Actually, I had forgotten all about them until I said "frozen pretzles" right up there about 5 seconds ago. For you. I am not that fast of a typist. It was 30 seconds ago for me.

Over the last couple of months since I decided to make a bigger effort to eat healthier and in a more orderly fashion (I think I just heard the girl scout cookies six inches from my left hand snort in a derisive manner) I have been cooiking a lot of soup.

I'm not much of a soup eater, normally, but I do seem to like the soup I make. I know how to make two. Butternut Squash and Lentil. I end up with a lot of leftovers. You can't cook just one or two servings of soup. There are cups and cups of soup. And a serving is like 1/2 a cup. Or 1 cup. It's just me. My freezer tends to be full of soup.

Luckily, chicken and rice, fish and rice, and um, that's all the else I cook, also freeze up nicely and I can generally have a couple of weeks worth of lunches from one or two dinners. You would be amazed at how many lunches I can create out of one chicken breast. In addition to the dinner.

This week I realized that I am tired of lentil soup. I think I still have several more lunches out of it and I JUST bought more lentils the other night. They are cheap and filling. It's a good thing they last awhile in the cabinet. I wish right now that they didn't get so hot in the microwave. ow.

I really need to branch out my cooking.

If I were you, who would be me?

I've been spending a little too much time catching up on the antics of Ree and family over at The Pioneer Woman.

It's so easy to get lost in her conversational writing. To gasp in awe at her gorgeous photos. To think that in her shoes, I too might have a handsome husband with two green eyed girls and two blue eyed boys. She makes me want to take off on horseback across the prairie and chase down a cow. She makes me wish I had followed the old roommate's advice and adopted that basset hound instead of holding out for Chango. I am inspired to cook and to dip my toes in the pond and to homeschool my kids.

Except I don't have any. Ponds, kids, handsome husbands in cowboy hats.

How easy it is to get wrapped up in someone else's life and to wish you had what they have.

Until you remember that out there somewhere, there might be someone who wishes they had yours.

Sometimes, I miss country life even though I couldn't wait to leave it behind when I lived there.  As an adult, I can better understand why my parents would want to live that far away from everything and now that someone came along and invented the internet, I can imagine myself living a little further out than I do now. But that is for the future. In the past, I wanted to live closer to my friends and a mall.

In the now, I really do have it made in the shade. I have a lovely little house. And the sweetest dog. I haven't poisoned myself with my cooking in awhile. I have a great support system of friends and I wouldn't trade my family for anything. Things aren't perfect. Not by a long shot. But they are good.

So while it is tempting to want what Ree has, and it's fun to peek into her world, I think I'll stick with my own life. I'm sure hers isn't perfect either, it just looks that way because, well, she's enough of a lady not to air the dirty laundry. And gosh, haven't I learned that lesson the hard way. Talking about the drama might make for some interesting reading, but it always bites me in the butt.

It feels good to want what I've got. To aspire for more, but to love my life while I'm at it. The truth is, that life on a ranch is HARD. You can read between the lines and see that. I can remember Lee's stories and know the truth of it. Up before dawn. Cow drool. Reality. Nope, I like what I've got. Target around the corner and a skate rink nearby. The occasional sight of a handsome man in chaps. Yeah, I'd say I've got it pretty damn good.

I do think I want her cookbooks though. They got great reviews from Hellohahanarf who didn't cook before but is cooking up a storm now. Works for me!

goodbye old friend

it seems lately, that I say goodbye to a lot of people here.

I was watching Glee and suddenly I missed Donny. Probably because I will never see him again. Donny was sunshine in every choir class period. Donny was always singing. Always hugging. Always smiling. Of course, that was almost 20 years ago.

I don't know what happened in his life to make him start taking soma. Hell, I don't really even know what it is other than a pill. but I know that the other night, Donny didn't wake up. Donny accidentally silenced himself forever.

You offered up some fantastic a capella harmonies. It was an honor singing with you.

A very little bliss list

It isn't that I have not experienced bliss this week. I have. I spent time with my derby wife. I went to the movies. I shared hot chocolate with a sick friend.

But there was one shining moment this week where everything fell away and my heart sang.

At the end of yesterday, I was a bit cranky. Its been a tough and demanding couple of weeks at work and while I have tried REALLY hard to maintain a good attitude, there have been moments when I have shut my mouth and headed into the breakroom for another cup of coffee.

Yesterday, I went to open my car door, thinking about what I needed to do last night and how I was going to get my good attitudes back when a tiny snowflake landed right before my eyes. Suddenly the world was better. My crankiness melted  away as quickly as that little star.

I was 30 before I saw my first snowflake. In my late 20s before I saw snow falling from the sky for the first time. We just don't have that in San Diego. I never knew there were many kinds of snow. From the tiny balls I call Charlie Brown Snow to the chunks of ice crystals that usually blanket my world.

I like the snow. I don't like driving in it, but I like the sound it makes when it falls. I like to wake up to a pristine white landscape. I like the tiny cold kisses it lays on my cheeks.

I love a snowflake. To me they are like a shower of tiny stars sent from the universe. I'll never forget my first one. I always hope to see more. Yesterday, I think I got two before they changed to ice clumps. But one was enough. One was just what I needed and perfect.

I think I forgot to mention why I go this. I'm pretty sure I have mentioned Liv Lane. Each week she posts a list of happy things and invites her readers to do the same and to link from her blog. This exercize has one wonders for me and for my attitude. Liv is a very positive person who is living her dream. She inspires me to make mine come true too.