Thursday, January 01, 2009

Crossroads?

I could be that I have spent far too much time driving and far too little time laying around on my couch (covered in dog hair at the moment) but I fear I am at a crossroads and I'm not certain which direction I should turn.

I know my family would tell me to turn and run. They already give me "that look".

The drama level is up again and although I don't have a front row seat, it still affects me and I'm not sure if I should tell him to call me when he decides to force her to stand on her own two feet or keep standing behind him.

I'm not sure if I want to spend the rest of my life watching him go to her rescue. And as the time grows near for me to decide I am ready to meet the children, I'm not sure I want to watch her hurt them with her selfish behavior. (She was "low" at the 6 yr. olds birthday party last night which means it was a stressful night for all. not fair for anyone; especially the kid) I'm not sure if I want to spend the rest of my life disliking someone (I don't like that I dislike a woman I have never met...) and know that I am stuck with her if I want to stick with him.

And I have a feeling that I wouldn't be nice to her if she tried her antics around me; which is not way to grow the esteem of her children or her ex husband. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am not prepared to be the bad guy. I'm already turning in that direction just by expressing my opinions. They aren't nice. And I haven't expressed the worst of them.

I find myself staring at my big girl panties and remembering a day nearly 4 years ago when someone sat me down and we had the talk. And it broke my heart. And it forced me to change in very big ways. How I still wish things had turned out differently even though I know they turned out the way they had to. Over the years, I have wished he had stood behind me while I grew. I was ready to grow, ready to change, and now I have the opportunity to uphold that ideal for someone else. And I don't know which of my two choices is the right one. For either of us. Because while he says he wants things to be different, he has the kids as a reason to keep them the same.

3 comments:

Christin said...

Miss gina... dear sweet Gina. Take it from someone who is living the nightmare you are about to enter. Run Forest, Run. Run Far Far Away. Call me and we can chat.

VickeyMichelle said...

It greatly saddens me as I really do like B but the harsh reality is: you will never be his first priority. Sadly it doesn't even look like you will be his 2nd priority as she has that spot. Can you live knowing you will never come first? It hurts a lot and there are so many times I have been resentful and sad because of it. I at least know that I am number 2, yeah that doesn't sound right...

Ginamonster said...

My dear Christin, you know we al think our situation will be different.

Wifey, I'm not asking for first, the kids will always be that, I'm asking that he quit catering to her drama. And remember, I'm #2... :)