I could be that I have spent far too much time driving and far too little time laying around on my couch (covered in dog hair at the moment) but I fear I am at a crossroads and I'm not certain which direction I should turn.
I know my family would tell me to turn and run. They already give me "that look".
The drama level is up again and although I don't have a front row seat, it still affects me and I'm not sure if I should tell him to call me when he decides to force her to stand on her own two feet or keep standing behind him.
I'm not sure if I want to spend the rest of my life watching him go to her rescue. And as the time grows near for me to decide I am ready to meet the children, I'm not sure I want to watch her hurt them with her selfish behavior. (She was "low" at the 6 yr. olds birthday party last night which means it was a stressful night for all. not fair for anyone; especially the kid) I'm not sure if I want to spend the rest of my life disliking someone (I don't like that I dislike a woman I have never met...) and know that I am stuck with her if I want to stick with him.
And I have a feeling that I wouldn't be nice to her if she tried her antics around me; which is not way to grow the esteem of her children or her ex husband. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am not prepared to be the bad guy. I'm already turning in that direction just by expressing my opinions. They aren't nice. And I haven't expressed the worst of them.
I find myself staring at my big girl panties and remembering a day nearly 4 years ago when someone sat me down and we had the talk. And it broke my heart. And it forced me to change in very big ways. How I still wish things had turned out differently even though I know they turned out the way they had to. Over the years, I have wished he had stood behind me while I grew. I was ready to grow, ready to change, and now I have the opportunity to uphold that ideal for someone else. And I don't know which of my two choices is the right one. For either of us. Because while he says he wants things to be different, he has the kids as a reason to keep them the same.