Moments of truth

Met the Cowboy for dinner tonight. I really enjoyed sitting there and chatting with him over pizza.

During the course of our conversation he mentioned that there is someone else he sees about once a week. Just dinner, really, an old friend. It was kind of a tangent off him saying that he only gets to see me once a week (and really I never found out if he would like to see me more than that), and obviously something he needed to say. Then he thanked me for not getting upset, that he wanted to be honest and open. I don't even think my facial expression changed and I don't have a poker face. I flat out told him that I have a lot of male friends. That we go out to dinner and hang out. That some of them are ex boyfriends.

It allowed me to tell him that I really do understand and believe him when he says he does not want to be in a committed relationship. I told him that I have to decide whether that's ok with me or not. He seemed a little surprised by that answer, but I think he is used to women who behave emotionally not the kind who consider things rationally. His wife, apparently, didn't accept him the way he is and tried to change him into the kind of corporate robot he can never be happy being. (she wanted "the lifestyle", he was self employed.)

I'm still torn, honestly, and after I drove away, I did get a little emotional. Tried to think about why I was ok with the situation in the restaurant but not in my car. It seemed to me that I am operating under a double standard. That I would smile and nod one moment and tear up in private. I had a long talk with myself about it.

It's a tough spot for me to be in. And I don't like it. And I still don't know what the right answer is and I hate that. And I think part of the reason I got upset was not that he sees someone else too, but that I obviously have a habit of being interested in men who aren't really available, even though they might appear to be. In that moment, in my car, all those nights driving away from T when we were doing our best to be friends flashed into my head and it hurt. (So maybe I am not feeling as healed up as I thought I was)

Then, as I was pondering the best way to go about getting this out and off my chest, I realized something about myself.

I need to feel special.

Am I holding out hope for something without a possibility of a future? Again? Or do I practice what I preach, trust my instincts and see what kind of answers time brings? I guess the answer to that one is that I should always practice what I preach...And maybe what I need more than anything to learn from this is patience.