Tuesday, July 10, 2007

I know I should be working

But there are a couple of things I need to get off my chest.

Saturday, my mom was asking about my blog, and whether it would be a good thing if she read it. I told her no, knowing that there are a few things she might come across that would hurt her feelings. It had nothing to do with loving her and everything to do with wanting to protect her from the things I have said in frustration that I needed to spit out. And they landed here.

I once thought that the discovery of my blog by those who knew me might be the end of the world. Especially for people I have ranted about. Then C found it, and read it, and we talked about it. It healed a rift in our friendship and I would say that while we are not as close as we were, I think we are as close as we can be seeing as how our relationship is no longer intimate. I was lucky that time. c and I were able to discuss things. Would I be so fortunate with my mom?

At the time, when we were discussing it, it came up that my sister reads. As does my cousin. and a few of my friends. Suddenly, it seemed unfair to exclude my mother from these things when it appears that anyone else can be allowed to peek.

There are few things I dislike more in this world than to be excluded.

I wondered if perhaps I should go back and edit out those frustrated posts. But I think that sometimes, when I am most anguished, I express myself best. (sometimes not) And this, being an online journal type thing, would be severely diminished if I edited for the feelings of others. But then, how is that different than the things I hold back for privacy? Writing instead in my paper journal?

This is a matter I think a lot of bloggers go through. I am certainly not going to pretend I am the first to struggle with it.

And who knows? maybe she will understand. I'm sure I have upset her on more than one occation. Perhaps it would teach me to be more tolerant and not go spouting off to the internet every time I get a bee in my bonnet.

Part of what got me thinking was the overwhelming sense of love and appreciation for my mom that I was hit with on Sunday. Without her, I wouldn't be. She deserves every bit of love and kindess.

On a differnt subject completely, I hate my bras. they don't fit and I can't seem to get them clean. Even fresh off the doorknob they feel dirty. I think I am done shopping for them at Victoria's Secret. Sadly, no one else seems to carry my size except in pointyboob granny styles and up, I'm far too young to be wearing those. You would think that with the popularity of fake breasts that there would be more options for the giftedly endowed.

On a whole nother subject, I am working on meeting people before I go to Reno. I have contacted crafty folk and signed up for Yahoo Personals. I know. I swore off internet dating. Whatever, I can change my mind if I want to and it seems like a good way to get to know people before I arrive. I'm feeling guilty though. You see, while I try not to exclude anyone from my list of possibilities based on heritage, the truth of the matter is that I tend to be attracted to the same sort of men so when men outside of that general appearance contact me, I feel bad rejecting them on account of no attraction. I worry that it makes me racist. And then I realize that i am. Because I feel guilty rejecting a black man because I am not attracted to him, but not a white guy. But maybe I am not because if a black man I was attracted to were to contact me and be a good match, I would not reject him. I'm willing to step outside the box for the right fella. (I am only using black men as an example) I should just be pleased that guys are looking. I know I am very pleased that the men who have looked so far are interested in a woman who is not a stick figure. AND, I am not getting all wound up when a man doesn't reply to my inquiries. So, good for me. Ok, back to work.


*kb* said...

Beware! THE ME is on yahoo personals! LOL!! :) I've been doing an on-line thing for the past month and have gotten nothing. :( May you have better luck! I mean I've gotten a few "no way in hell would I even talk to this dude" e's and that's it AND I think I've e'd like 8 dudes and have gotten ZERO responses. Oh well...when the time is right I suppose! :)

Ginamonster said...

I've had a couple of good responses so far, and even chatted with a fellow last night. I'm thinking that it's a location thing because in two days, 100 guys have at least looked. I NEVER had that king of luck in San Diego.

Buzz said...

You'd be surprised how many guys are not attracted to stick figures.

It's the media that likes stick figures for some reason.

I for one, am a huge fan of the curves...

Not So Anonymous Michelle said...

Good luck with the internet dating, I met my hubby that way and he too loves the curves! :)

As for the mom issue, don't blame you for feeling that way, I was in that position too with my blog, not sure if I'd share it with her, then when I did I kind of almost wanted to start another more anonymous-looking blog to be able to have an outlet to talk about issues with her too.

I hate my bras too! What's the deal with the point they reach where they don't really come clean and yeah, hate the size issues too!

*kb* said...

Well I'm not a stick figure, but I am in San Diego.... :-( I'm headed up to Monterey for a long weekend next week, so maybe I'll check the dudes there! ;)

NWJR said...

I have no idea who reads my blog, but once the local newspaper showed up on my log list, and that kid of creeped me out.

Other than that, I don't really tell my friends about it.

Ginamonster said...

*kb* I'm thinking you might want to warn me as to who this ME is unless he's not looking for love in the greater Reno area, in which case, I'm not worried.

Buzz, that's because you're a REAL man.

Michelle, I know, and look what the two of you MADE! Perhaps sharing my blog with my mom would force me to talk to her, not the internet!

NWJR, those of my friends that pay attention know about my blog, and some of them read it. I try to keep that in mind and think twice about posting certain things. the bulk of my readers (all 5 of you) I only know from the internet.