Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Who we are

Jen, who must be watching a lot of Win a Date with Tad Hamilton, or at the very least is affected because I myself watch the movie just about every week and, well, we do share a brain, made an interesting coment on the last post.

No, not the one where she tells me to be strong (thank you) but the one where she says that we are all someone elses C, someone elses T, and someone elses Monster.

Because we are. You see, though all this, one of the things that screams at me, is that for all the C wants to be back with me, I want to be back with T. And just as he needs to understand that I have moved on and I don't want to retry, so does T want me to move on since he does not want to retry. There are parallels that cannot be denied. The lesson remains, even though it is hard to follow my own advice.

So Charlie, you may be someone'e T. You may also be someone's C. (wow, if that gets anymore complicated, I'm really going to confuse myself) I considered posting excerpts from the letters, but I feel as though it would be a cruelty to C to make public his feelings without his permission. It's bad enough that I discuss it openly on a forum he has access to if he wants it. who am I to expose his pain, verbatum? To expose his private letters?

I will say that he discusses our compatibility and reminds me of how well we got along. He tells me that he has grown and can appriciate me now. And it is partially this that makes it difficult to say no. However, I told him that although I was happy with him, I know now that what I want in a partner has changed, and that I haven't found my ideal man because my ideal man wants me too. I reminded him of how much he hurt me, and how trust, once shattered will never be as strong as it was before because the memory of the hurt remains. I told him that I would spend our life together punishing him a bit for hurting me (not because I am mean or vindictive, but because it's human nature and would be difficult to avoid) and he would spend it trying to make up for that hurt. I told him that in the past two years I have dated a few idiots and one man that changed my life. And that my heart isn't whole yet to give away again. (it's still smeared on the pavement)
I believe that it is best for me to start over with someone new. Sure, I would be estatic if T decided he wanted to be with me, that "I'll consider children" is enough. But it isn't going to happen. So would C be thrilled if I said, "Ok, just this once more, we will call the other three times practice".
Reality? Starting fresh would sure be nice. It would heal us both. And when C meets someone who is more compatible with him that I, he will realize that I'm not longer what he wants in a woman. I just don't think he has dated since me.
And, as Sensei has reminded me, I still have half an alphabet of alphamales to date. Heck, I may have to find a new way to designate the dates!


jen said...

I have only seen that movie 3 times. lol It's just that I can look at my life and see my T, My C's, and my Monster. Starting fresh is a good idea. It's been said that you can never go back...and I don't know if that is entirely true...but I do know that when you bring expectations and memories of the past with that person, it's never a clean start. It can't be. A clean slate, an open heart...and then MAYBE...they will get a full name...or 2 initials. Until then, have fun looking! :)

Sensei Ern said...

I saw it first when I was in Orlando last year and nothing else was on. I then saw it with my wife when I returned home.

Men don't really count your smiles. There is only one set of things a woman has that a man counts higher than one.

I saw the last hour of Butterfly Effect last night. That is an interesting movie.

Ginamonster said...

I didn't see Butterfly Effect.

In some cases, Jen, giving two initials may give too much information. Especially considering the private nature of some of my posts, and how easy it is for people to find me from other sites. That's why I stick to one initial. it's vague. Someday, I would like to give a proper nickname.