Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Mellow for now

I'm feeling mellow, right now. Who knows what I will be like in ten minutes. I'm not really moody, I just get worked up over things sometimes. Like yesterday, when I was telling my friend about my work day, I got so wound up, I had to take my shirt off. And put a different one on. My boys would stop reading at the part where I took my shirt off. That was for them.

So I am really concerned about the knitting thing. I know I shouldn't let the boys get to me like this, and I can't really help it that I am crafty, it's the way I was raised. And I really think I may have ADD. I know that is a great excuse and the current trend in psychobabble, but I have considered my history and my present enough to think that this could be my problem. Do I want drugs for it? NO!!! But knitting helps.

I don't sit still well, never have. Couldn't pay attention in elementary School (My teachers decided I was bored and some tests declared me smart). My mind wanders. Even now, it goes off to la la land in the middle of meetings. I can't take my knitting to work! So reading works, somehow I can focus on that all day, and so, apparently does knitting and spinning. I think because it allows me to do something with my hands while I do something else with my brain. And I can see the progress while I am doing it, so I don't get discouraged. And I can be social while I do it, which is why it is a great thing for me to do at parties. Really.

If I sit too long, I go to sleep. I slept through High School (I test well). Some days it's all I can do to stay focused at work. (hmm. blogging.)

So since knitting is so good for me, why am I developing a complex? Because I have three different friends saying things like "you used to be cool" when I break out my needles. I didn't know that getting drunk all the time made me cool. I would rather be appreciated for my intelligence and wide range of abilities. But the boys started questioning me and now I am feeling insecure.

They blame my knitting on the rarity of men in my life. I think they are forgetting that before I learned to knit, I became a bellydancer. And before that I was a massage therapist. And I can still drink most of my boys under the table. So maybe, the problem isn't me. I think the problem might be them. Perhaps they are jealous that they don't have any skills ("Girls like guys who have good skills!!"). Sure, I don't have any nunchuck skills, but I am not trying to attract girls either.

But really, what do they do (well one is in the Army) but sit on their asses and smoke pot in their spare time? Talk about a waste of time and brain cells. And yes, I hope they are reading this because I don't always stick up for myself like I should. When Mr Right Now met my friends, I told him that I chose them as my friends because they were the only ones who accepted me for who I am. I hope I have not been delusional. So I am going to keep on knitting. I like it. fuck them. And any guy who chooses not to date me because I'm crafty? Well fuck him too. The people I want to spend my time with love me for who I am.

Thank goodness for archives. I think I will be rereading this the next time I feel insecure.

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