Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Bragging again

So I know I talk alot about how gorgeous my workplace is. But I was marvelling at it again this morning as I daydreamed about how nice it was that Mr. New called last night "just because he likes talking to me" which helped to cleanse me from the dirtyness I was left with after reading E's blog yesterday.
Everything is so green, and in amazing contrast to the blackened trees still reaching thier twisted branches skyward after the wrath of the 2003 fires. Unfortunately thoughts of the fires brings back the memories of the burnt out cars on the side of the road, deathtraps for the people who tried to make it out but didn't.
But the drastic change in landscape from the burnt out alien airbrushed brown and black hillsides to the lush green foliage I get to look at now helps to remind me that life goes on. Wounds heal, and everything is born anew.
I hope to avoid getting cranky for the rest of the day.


So yesterday I was pissed about something, and it was overshadowed by my big mistake of reading a part of E's blog. So here is what it was, although I think I am over it today.

I dated one man for five years. we lived together, we shared a bank account. In many states, we would have been common law married. (thank goodness for California's no common law, law). Like many relationships, our's started out great. We spent a lot of time together, we liked to do the same things.
He had (has) a dream. and his career path kept him from home many nights. I accepted this because I believe in him. Still do. I understood that he was married to the career, and that I was his mistress. Unfortunately, he generally expected me to be home when he got home, which, at the young age I was at the time, was sometimes difficult.
Here is the beef. I would often ask him to accompany on my excursions. Camping? no. we only went once together while we were together. Parties? no. not a party animal. Backpacking! no. don't want to poo in the woods. Ski trip, snowboarding? no. doesn't sound like fun, can't practice my trade there.
Ah. There's the cranky point. Because I was on his website (we are still friends although not as close as we once were, but I help out still because no matter what, I will always be his friend and I still support him in his chosen path) and there is a picture, right there, of him snowboarding. AND he liked it. The reason I am mad? because for two or three years, I asked him to do that with me, and he refused. not declined, refused.
I doubt the snowboarding would have saved our relationship, and I think we both accept that we are better off apart. I have certainly grown a lot as a person in the 3+ years since we broke up. But, dammit, I don't think he tried very hard. And while I know I could have tried harder, That entry into his live journal showed me that maybe I tried harder than I thought I did. Maybe I just got tired of throwing myself up against a brick wall all the time. I think I got tired of getting rejected and I finally made a separate life for myself. He once blamed the fact that I went to school for our breakup. I was gone two nights a week and all day on Saturday. Plus I worked 40+ hours. Add my clientel on top of that and I was gone a lot. Which should have meant that the times we could be together should have been extra special and precious. Instead we sat at our computers and text messaged accross the room. It would be interesting to know when the romance really died.

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