Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Crankmaster G

I hate being cranky. It makes me cranky.

I get a lot of work done when I am cranky, which is good, but then all my coworkers come out scared of me, which is bad. Then again, if they were a little more scared of me, I wouldn't have to babysit them all the time.

Today, I am cranky. As bad as the last time but for different reasons.

Mr Right Now didn't call yesterday as he said he would which put me in a major snit last night. I'm not really mad at him, I'm angry with all the men before him that didn't call when they said they would and therefore caused me to become a neurotic mess about it. Thankfully I have a sister that tells me things like, "it probably has nothing to do with you and everything to do with he's busy or something came up" and "You guys are probably in different emotional spots, you are looking for a partner, and he is looking for something more casual than that" This is logic I can handle, and I have learned to readjust my thinking on things to suit the situation. There is still a little girl inside my head screaming and throwing things and being generally bad because she didn't get her way.

So in between reading my book and staring at the ceiling last night, I realized that I am exceptionally unhappy, and have been for a long time. It's no wonder my new coworker friend never sees me smile, I have stopped smiling.

I did some soul searching to find out why I am sad and I realized that I am still not over my last breakup. I want to be, but I'm not. Not bonehead boy, or the old friend, but "C" who suprised and devestaed me when he chose a "friendship" with his ex over a relationship with me. It's a long story. It's sad and ugly. I really was the victim. My life is finally moving forward in so many ways, but I want to know when I will find my smile again.

No one can make me happy. It's something I have to do for myself. And I feel bad that Mr Right Now hasn't seen the real me yet. All he has seen is the insecure, borderline clingy person I seem to have become. The kind of woman who makes me want to puke. Getting upset because someone didn't call? spare me. There are so many other things to worry about. So it's been more than a week since I have seen him? Ooh. I went 26 years without ever meeting him, and, by the way, when did I need to see someone?

Whatever happened to the polaski swinging, cabinet making, frog catching singleton that I used to be? Why do I think I need a man? (ok, I don't need a man, but I sure do like them!) I need to mellow out and find myself again! I will say this. I would really like for Mr Right Now to be part of the ride and the adventure as I find my happiness again. Because he does make me smile. But I also want to learn to be independantly happy too. Because I am a happy individual and I think life is too short to be miserable. And I don't think that anyone should rely on anyone else for thier happiness. That's too much responsibility for anyone to carry.

AND (I love giving myself these empowering pep talks!) damn, the phone rang and I forgot what happens after "and".

BUT, the "C" thing. It will always hurt. I in no way wish to go back with him or anything foolish like that. I am hoping that in recognising that I am still reeling from it I will be able to complete the healing process. I am not sure why I allow it to still hurt me. Maybe I like to be a victim. And that's bad. I think I will put that wisdom on my computer screen. "don't be a victim anymore" Right below "learn trust and patience". and above "the most rewarding things in life are not easy" it seems that the post its on my screen are magic. the things I put on there come true. after all, I managed to achieve two goals, to pay off my school loan and find a home (so I don't have to live with my mom anymore) Why not achieve emotional goals as well?

I'm not cranky anymore. actually, I think I have even cracked a half smile. Maybe I...nevermind. that's a bad idea.

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