So Sad

Told Mr Recently that I cannot see him anymore, and I think it hurt me as much as it might have hurt him. Maybe it hurt me more. I didn't ask about my books. I will buy new ones. I will also miss his company.
I'm sorry if I hurt you E. Somehow, I think you would have hurt me more in the long run. A month is too long to go without seeing each other when you both live in the same town. And it was painfully obvious I was not on your list of priorities. I think I deserve more than that.
I also think you deserved better than a phone call 3 minutes before you were scheduled to clock into work. It sounds dramatic, but I will carry that guilt with me always, just as I will always carry the guilt of breaking up with Jimmy in the parking lot at Home Depot. You really are amazing in so many ways. I wish you all the happiness in the world.
But I wish me happiness too. And I think you caused me too many miserable nights wondering if you were going to call. Waiting by the phone, but pretending I wasn't. Wishing I wasn't. Promising myself I would stop. I don't know what else I would have been doing, but I know I wouldn't have been feeling rejected and depressed. I told you I had issues with being stood up, with guys not calling when they said they would. I told you I had not always been treated well. I think you could have treated me better.
These are the things I didn't have time and didn't have the courage to tell you. As much as I hate to be rejected, it is far easier for me to deal with than ending something with someone as alluring as you. Your dislike for me might be intense right now. I think I can feel it radiating from here. It could be my imagination. Since I doubt you are reading this, I hope you have a friend that will shed some light on the way I have been feeling this past month. Someone who will try to give you my side of the story, my point of view. I'm doing my best to see it from yours.
I meant it when I said that I would always be here if you need me. I doubt you will come to me if you do. I really had high hopes for us. But I think you took me for granted.

Content

I am overcome with the contentment one feels when she meets someone and it new and happy. I cannot think of a greater happiness. I feel as though I have been given a gift in Mr Now, and although I realize that we are both on our best behavior, I don't think his worst is worse than mine.
I am also greatful, in a way, that he appears to be just as insecure about my intentions as I am about his. I am always that way, but it is nice to meet someone who tends to be a bit timid about when he will see me again, or at least whether I want to see him again. It's good for me because it forces me to express myself more than I would otherwise. ie, "I would like to see you again tomorrow". "I would like to visit your house again"
Quite frankly, I would like to see him again today, but life continues on while I am enamoured, and I have things I have to do tonight.

Hooray

Very happy today.
I have not dealt with Mr Recently, he did not answer when I called. I'm kinda glad, although I know I need to talk to him eventually and I need to quit being a coward. And it will be nice to close that chapter.
Looking forward to seeing Mr Now tonight!
I take posession of my new home this week, once it is painted and cleaned, I can move in. I will miss my mom, but I am really excited to be out on my own again.
Not a very exciting post, I know recent ones have been more filled with angst, but I am just happy that things are returning back to normal!(as normal as my life ever gets!)

I think Hell just froze

So I'm out on a date with Mr New, when who calls, but Mr Recently. I didn't answer, of course. But the message was, Hey Hon, let's hang out, I've been busy but I can see you now.
Which put me in a funk. and yes, I cried. (ok, I really just shed a few tears) I cried because he called, but he wasn't supposed to. I was supposed to call and demand my books back and he was supposed to feel guilty, but not try to see me, because, he stopped calling because he wasn't interested anymore.
I know the universe is testing me. I know what my answer is. I cannot just leave him dangling in la la land. that's happened to me far too many times. I hate confrontation.
It sucks, because I do think well of him and had high hopes for us. And he is one of the most attractive men I have ever met. Stunning, really. But if he doesn't call when he says he will, or he can't make time for me, even a small amount, well, it just feeds my insecurities. I don't need them fed, I feed them fine on my own.

Oh boy!

Mr New, I think, has graduated to Mr Now. I am looking forward to another date this evening. Hooray!

I may just go out and buy new books. Except one of them was new. dammit, I should just call and ask for my books back.

CoWorker was in my office again. all flirty. StoopidHead.

I hope you know that when I use derogitory terms to describe men I have dated, it is not because I truly believe they are stupid (except for the part where they screwed up with me) or idiots or anything like that. I generally have nothing but nice things to say about any of them and frankly, if asked, I would tell any of them that they were foolish for letting me go. But everyone has to do what is right for them and I accept thier decisions, although I don't nessesarily agree with the way they went about things. Any time the language is "G" rated, you can rest assured that there are no hard feelings (except about the books!).

Cleansing process

So I'm going through the cleansing process of removing Mr Most Recently from my world, and it feels suprisingly good. I am thankful that the period during which we were seeing each other was very short, so there isn't all that much stuff, but he no longer has his own ring tone, and all his saved messages are gone (it took me months, once, to get rid of the saved messages. maybe I am growing up after all).
I must say that it helps to have Mr New to focus on. I don't consider him a rebound because I wasn't in a "relationship", and he, thus far, is so much more suitable to my personality. I'm really excited about our date tonight. I still have the insecurity that he will decide he doesn't like me after all and I will be cast out, alone again, which wouldn't be so bad, but for some reason, it is a grivious sin to be single.
Why is it a grevious sin to be single? I imagine that if I were not followed around by a constant chorus of "you'll find someone" and "there's someone for everyone" or my favorite, from my mom, bless her, "look how long it took me to find Mr. Right?" (Um, Momi, I love you, but by the time you were my age, you had been married twice and had two kids. I hardly call that being alone, although both of your husbands were assholes who didn't deserve you) Not that I have been alone my whole life. In the ten years since I graduated, (there was only 1 boyfriend in High School, he lasted a month) seven of those were spent in the company of a man.
However, if you read Cosmo, (I have to admit, when they promise steamy sex secrets bound to please my man, I have to buy it evn if I don't have a man) At my age, I should be chief editor at my own magazine, with a different date with a different man every night. They should all be sending me flowers and diamonds. There should be lots of hot steamy sex in the supply closet. And I should be wearing Prada shoes.
Perhaps that is my problem. I don't wear Prada. My shoes are too sensible. I need some three inch spikey sandles (red of course) (ow! just the thought of wearing those all day sends my sciatica into overdrive!) and they must cost at least $400. Then the men will come knocking down my door the way my mom says they should be.
In truth, what I really want is one man to be a good partner in all ways. To go camping, and ask me how my day was. To accept my knitting and eat my chocolates. Tell me I'm pretty sometimes. Flattery, after all, will get you everywhere. Flowers are nice sometimes, but not essential. Diamonds sparkle, but I have plenty of jewelry. I would be afraid to wear shoes that cost more than my car payment. I am hard on shoes, they only last a month or two. Hot steamy sex is good though, just not in the supply closet.
There are those who would tell me that I am not adventurous for not wanting to do it in a closet, but come on, it would be cramped, (I do not want to go around with paperclips in my hair and a pencil shaped bruise on my ass) someone might walk in (no, that is NOT half the fun), and I would get fired. I need my job so I can save for $400 shoes. So men will knock down my door...
Wait a minute again. My mom has changed her tune. She says, it's not the shoes, it's because I am too nice. I am the kind of girl(apparently) that you take home to mom.
Blah. The first boy who ever kissed me (I was 15) told me I was "wholesome. Like milk". Now, I may be a little naieve at times, but I know that boys don't like wholesome girls. They don't want milk, they want whisky. That was an insult. I tried to think of ways to overcome that label all through High School, but it just didn't happen. I have learned to embrace who I am by knitting and baking apple pies. shoosh. I bake a damn fine apple pie, and when I learn to make my own pie crust, I will be unstoppable. I almost caught one with my apple pies, but he stopped calling. then he turned out to be a coke head.
The funny thing is, according to my mom, I'm the kind of girl you marry. I have never been the kind of girl who gets married. My family has a long history of divorce. And if the men I have dated thus far (bless them) are any indication, most of them would have left me eventually to go chase some skirt. Well, probably not "D". Am I afraid of that long term commitment?? Hell yes. Would I consider it with the right guy? I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it. I have to find a guy first that doesn't stop calling, doesn't put other women on his to do list, and doesn't drive me nuts.
Why do I keep harping on this subject? Because I don't know how to stop. I think it's an addicition. I am rather impressed with my use of the seguay in this post. I have been concerned that my conversations are discombobulated lately. It must just be true that I turn into a tard around men. (please let Mr New see beyond my social retardation!!!)

Bragging again

So I know I talk alot about how gorgeous my workplace is. But I was marvelling at it again this morning as I daydreamed about how nice it was that Mr. New called last night "just because he likes talking to me" which helped to cleanse me from the dirtyness I was left with after reading E's blog yesterday.
Everything is so green, and in amazing contrast to the blackened trees still reaching thier twisted branches skyward after the wrath of the 2003 fires. Unfortunately thoughts of the fires brings back the memories of the burnt out cars on the side of the road, deathtraps for the people who tried to make it out but didn't.
But the drastic change in landscape from the burnt out alien airbrushed brown and black hillsides to the lush green foliage I get to look at now helps to remind me that life goes on. Wounds heal, and everything is born anew.
I hope to avoid getting cranky for the rest of the day.

-------

So yesterday I was pissed about something, and it was overshadowed by my big mistake of reading a part of E's blog. So here is what it was, although I think I am over it today.

I dated one man for five years. we lived together, we shared a bank account. In many states, we would have been common law married. (thank goodness for California's no common law, law). Like many relationships, our's started out great. We spent a lot of time together, we liked to do the same things.
He had (has) a dream. and his career path kept him from home many nights. I accepted this because I believe in him. Still do. I understood that he was married to the career, and that I was his mistress. Unfortunately, he generally expected me to be home when he got home, which, at the young age I was at the time, was sometimes difficult.
Here is the beef. I would often ask him to accompany on my excursions. Camping? no. we only went once together while we were together. Parties? no. not a party animal. Backpacking! no. don't want to poo in the woods. Ski trip, snowboarding? no. doesn't sound like fun, can't practice my trade there.
Ah. There's the cranky point. Because I was on his website (we are still friends although not as close as we once were, but I help out still because no matter what, I will always be his friend and I still support him in his chosen path) and there is a picture, right there, of him snowboarding. AND he liked it. The reason I am mad? because for two or three years, I asked him to do that with me, and he refused. not declined, refused.
I doubt the snowboarding would have saved our relationship, and I think we both accept that we are better off apart. I have certainly grown a lot as a person in the 3+ years since we broke up. But, dammit, I don't think he tried very hard. And while I know I could have tried harder, That entry into his live journal showed me that maybe I tried harder than I thought I did. Maybe I just got tired of throwing myself up against a brick wall all the time. I think I got tired of getting rejected and I finally made a separate life for myself. He once blamed the fact that I went to school for our breakup. I was gone two nights a week and all day on Saturday. Plus I worked 40+ hours. Add my clientel on top of that and I was gone a lot. Which should have meant that the times we could be together should have been extra special and precious. Instead we sat at our computers and text messaged accross the room. It would be interesting to know when the romance really died.

big mistake

I knew it would be, but thinking myself able to do so, I looked at Mr Most Recently's blog. big mistake, big mistake, big mistake.
I didn't get far enough back into history to see if he ever mentioned me, the timelines were a bit jumbled, but he was telling a graphic story about having sex with someone else (he's got a very popular blog) and I just had to stop reading before I threw up on myself. I think I will go to the Dr next week for those tests, byt the way. I mean I knew, but reading it was worse. and a big mistake. He also mentioned leaving cheer up messages for other women...recently. but he cannot be bothered to call me and I just feel sick, and thank god, that I really am better off without him. (they told me so!!) and E, if you are reading this (which chances are, you are not, since you really weren't that interested in me after all), next time you meet a nice girl, don't tell her you have a blog. because she will get nosy, we can't help it. even now I am tempted to scan and see if I ever meant anythingt o you at all, but I knowI shouldn't because it will only hurt me because I don't think I did and I promise, after I get my books back, unless I happen to run into you at your work (I may start shopping at Borders) you will not hear from me again.
This all overshadows the anger I felt before about something else that perhaps I will discuss another time.

On Frogs and Toads

Sometimes, a princess meets a frog. So she kisses him and hopes he turns into a prince. But he doesn't. So she sleeps with him, and he turns out to be a toad.

Haven't heard from "Mr Right Now" in about a week. He did not call when he said he would. He has not called at all. In addition to feeding all my insecurities about men who, in my world, seem to have a habit of not calling anymore, he has my books. I want them back. So if he doesn't call this week (and I am not going to hold me breath) I am going to call and request them back. Apparently, although exceptionally good looking, he was not all he was cracked up to be, to which I have several friends who said "I told you so". But I had to find out for myself.

and E, if you are reading this, I wish you all the best and enjoyed your company immensely while it lasted. Please take care of yourself. If you were trying to spare my feelings by dropping off the face of the earth without telling me, you fucked up, I got hurt anyway. I have emotions, I just keep them hidden. Now, give me back my books. please. thank you. and no, I don't hate you, I am angry because I am hurt. give me a couple of months and I will have nothing but nice things to say about our time together. actually, I have nothing but nice things to say now. I'm only cranky because you stopped calling.

Meanwhile, and perhaps it is uncouth to mention it so soon after I spilled my pain about Mr Most Recently, someone else came along with promise and apparently adult intentions. Not THOSE kind of intentions, we've only had one date and I do try to keep my clothes on until at least the THIRD date. and I have a feeling that he doesn't venture into the bedroom until he REALLY knows someone. Which is good. It'll give me time to go to the Dr and get checked after the past year's escapades. Sex aside, he is very nice and polite (wait, I said the same about Mr Most Recently) and I am looking forward to another date with him on Wednesday. I think I will take him up on his offer to teach me darts. He learned from a group of Scotsmen in Canada. Sounds like my kind of fun. Actually, he sounds like my kind of fun. (please be a prince, please be a prince, can't handle any more toads...please be a prince...) I guess we will see, won't we?

at peace

today I am at peace with myself and my world. How long will that last? I don't know. But I am sure going to enjoy it while it does!

Crankmaster G

I hate being cranky. It makes me cranky.

I get a lot of work done when I am cranky, which is good, but then all my coworkers come out scared of me, which is bad. Then again, if they were a little more scared of me, I wouldn't have to babysit them all the time.

Today, I am cranky. As bad as the last time but for different reasons.

Mr Right Now didn't call yesterday as he said he would which put me in a major snit last night. I'm not really mad at him, I'm angry with all the men before him that didn't call when they said they would and therefore caused me to become a neurotic mess about it. Thankfully I have a sister that tells me things like, "it probably has nothing to do with you and everything to do with he's busy or something came up" and "You guys are probably in different emotional spots, you are looking for a partner, and he is looking for something more casual than that" This is logic I can handle, and I have learned to readjust my thinking on things to suit the situation. There is still a little girl inside my head screaming and throwing things and being generally bad because she didn't get her way.

So in between reading my book and staring at the ceiling last night, I realized that I am exceptionally unhappy, and have been for a long time. It's no wonder my new coworker friend never sees me smile, I have stopped smiling.

I did some soul searching to find out why I am sad and I realized that I am still not over my last breakup. I want to be, but I'm not. Not bonehead boy, or the old friend, but "C" who suprised and devestaed me when he chose a "friendship" with his ex over a relationship with me. It's a long story. It's sad and ugly. I really was the victim. My life is finally moving forward in so many ways, but I want to know when I will find my smile again.

No one can make me happy. It's something I have to do for myself. And I feel bad that Mr Right Now hasn't seen the real me yet. All he has seen is the insecure, borderline clingy person I seem to have become. The kind of woman who makes me want to puke. Getting upset because someone didn't call? spare me. There are so many other things to worry about. So it's been more than a week since I have seen him? Ooh. I went 26 years without ever meeting him, and, by the way, when did I need to see someone?

Whatever happened to the polaski swinging, cabinet making, frog catching singleton that I used to be? Why do I think I need a man? (ok, I don't need a man, but I sure do like them!) I need to mellow out and find myself again! I will say this. I would really like for Mr Right Now to be part of the ride and the adventure as I find my happiness again. Because he does make me smile. But I also want to learn to be independantly happy too. Because I am a happy individual and I think life is too short to be miserable. And I don't think that anyone should rely on anyone else for thier happiness. That's too much responsibility for anyone to carry.

AND (I love giving myself these empowering pep talks!) damn, the phone rang and I forgot what happens after "and".

BUT, the "C" thing. It will always hurt. I in no way wish to go back with him or anything foolish like that. I am hoping that in recognising that I am still reeling from it I will be able to complete the healing process. I am not sure why I allow it to still hurt me. Maybe I like to be a victim. And that's bad. I think I will put that wisdom on my computer screen. "don't be a victim anymore" Right below "learn trust and patience". and above "the most rewarding things in life are not easy" it seems that the post its on my screen are magic. the things I put on there come true. after all, I managed to achieve two goals, to pay off my school loan and find a home (so I don't have to live with my mom anymore) Why not achieve emotional goals as well?

I'm not cranky anymore. actually, I think I have even cracked a half smile. Maybe I...nevermind. that's a bad idea.

Mellow for now

I'm feeling mellow, right now. Who knows what I will be like in ten minutes. I'm not really moody, I just get worked up over things sometimes. Like yesterday, when I was telling my friend about my work day, I got so wound up, I had to take my shirt off. And put a different one on. My boys would stop reading at the part where I took my shirt off. That was for them.

So I am really concerned about the knitting thing. I know I shouldn't let the boys get to me like this, and I can't really help it that I am crafty, it's the way I was raised. And I really think I may have ADD. I know that is a great excuse and the current trend in psychobabble, but I have considered my history and my present enough to think that this could be my problem. Do I want drugs for it? NO!!! But knitting helps.

I don't sit still well, never have. Couldn't pay attention in elementary School (My teachers decided I was bored and some tests declared me smart). My mind wanders. Even now, it goes off to la la land in the middle of meetings. I can't take my knitting to work! So reading works, somehow I can focus on that all day, and so, apparently does knitting and spinning. I think because it allows me to do something with my hands while I do something else with my brain. And I can see the progress while I am doing it, so I don't get discouraged. And I can be social while I do it, which is why it is a great thing for me to do at parties. Really.

If I sit too long, I go to sleep. I slept through High School (I test well). Some days it's all I can do to stay focused at work. (hmm. blogging.)

So since knitting is so good for me, why am I developing a complex? Because I have three different friends saying things like "you used to be cool" when I break out my needles. I didn't know that getting drunk all the time made me cool. I would rather be appreciated for my intelligence and wide range of abilities. But the boys started questioning me and now I am feeling insecure.

They blame my knitting on the rarity of men in my life. I think they are forgetting that before I learned to knit, I became a bellydancer. And before that I was a massage therapist. And I can still drink most of my boys under the table. So maybe, the problem isn't me. I think the problem might be them. Perhaps they are jealous that they don't have any skills ("Girls like guys who have good skills!!"). Sure, I don't have any nunchuck skills, but I am not trying to attract girls either.

But really, what do they do (well one is in the Army) but sit on their asses and smoke pot in their spare time? Talk about a waste of time and brain cells. And yes, I hope they are reading this because I don't always stick up for myself like I should. When Mr Right Now met my friends, I told him that I chose them as my friends because they were the only ones who accepted me for who I am. I hope I have not been delusional. So I am going to keep on knitting. I like it. fuck them. And any guy who chooses not to date me because I'm crafty? Well fuck him too. The people I want to spend my time with love me for who I am.

Thank goodness for archives. I think I will be rereading this the next time I feel insecure.

Number two for the day

This one continues my last rant:

If the work order says, "Call so and so for information" then why the fuck are you calling me???

I've been reading the posts of Tequila Mockingbird. She's damn cool and I think, as wacky as me. Only a little older.

Expect more from me today, I'm in another spot. A snit. A crisis of thought. Having a point of contention that my closest friend is tired of hearing about, and, I'm proud to say, it doesn't have very much to do with Mr Right Now.

Another day

I was going to discuss the difficulties of planning a surprise party for my mother's 50th when something came across my desk that got me a bit riled.

I will generally admit my faults if I can see them. One of them is that I can be exceptionally retentive when it comes to planning (see birthday party above) and scheduling (I'm all wound up because I don't know when I will see Mr Right Now again, and insecure me is screaming that the answer is, "never!!!"). The other, or I should say, another, is that I am not perfect. I try to be. But the logical part of my brain (the one that can occationally escape from my retentive, perfectionist tendencies) knows that I am not. I'm clumsy and forgetful, and occationally a bit dyslexic. These are things I accept about myself.

However, there are those who I work with, that just cannot accept this. So anytime I send something out that is just a bit off, the emails fly in, all in a panic. It can be a project number, off by one (as it was today) and suddenly, the world has ended and everything has changed, and oh my goodness, when did that happen??? Never mind that the project list is updated constantly, and posted and available for anyone who needs it. Never mind that the numbers on it do not change. (am I raving yet??) The panic that sets in would cause one to think that the world has ended and everything is falling apart.

I would like to know if it is really so difficult to print yourself out a copy of said project list and by all means, check the numbers yourself. There are days like today when I just want to delete the emails without reading them and hang up the phone when my coworkers call. (boy am I in a snit) I want to tell them to check it out for themselves, that I am cutting the apron strings because after a year, I should not have to tell them how to do their jobs!

But oh, heavens to Betsy, (now there's a phrase to calm me down and make me laugh) I couldn't possibly do that because the system, that we have so carefully crafted, a great, although constantly evolving structure needs to be followed and for some reason, there's only three of us who can do it! Would you believe that I keep an elaborate list of when I am supposed to remind them to give me stuff, information it would take them five minutes to gather and walk over to me, because most of them will not respond the first time I ask? grr!

OY! And the emails come in that the list did get checked, but that they wanted to be sure! Maybe I am not the retentive one!

By the way, I would really like to know, because my friends give me so much shit about it, is it really so bad that I like to knit?

On internet dating

I must say that I have not been overly impressed with internet dating. Nice guys, no spark. Of course, it would take someone really amazing to eclipse Mr Right Now. So why don't I take the "dating men" part off of my Friendster profile? I don't know. I think I am trying to tell myself I am keeping my options open, in case Mr Right Now decides he doesn't want to be such anymore. But then, I wasn't impressed before I met him, why do I thinkI will change my mind now?
So I guess I have made up my mind then, haven't I?