A contest! Please vote for us!

Part of the reason I have been going so nuts is that with the track came a lot more stress and responsibilty. I only have a small share of it, to be sure, but when your cup already runs over, it's hard to handle another drop.
HOWEVER it's still a good time. And today I am feeling pretty much normal, which is to say that I'm jumping out of my skin in elation and I don't know why but I'm going with it because, as I mentioned, this is normal for me.

That said, The reno Roller Girls have entered a contest and I would love it to peeces if you would vote for us. With every email you have. We could use the money and the exposure.

Those are my feet in the beginning. they aren't pretty but they are mine. The track however, that IS pretty. YAY TRACK!


Rink Rash from Humans In Motion on Vimeo.


And, if you really really want to make me super duper crazy happy, will you repost?

Why yes, actually, I do hear voices.

I don't generally discuss matters of religion here. It's tough to avoid offending someone because most people, no matter what they do or don't believe, are pretty firm on it. Plus, I firmly believe that religion is between you and whatever you do or don't believe in.

I don't consider myself particularly religious, but I do consider myself to be among the faithful. I believe, wholeheartedly, that there is a foce bigger than myself out there. Maybe it isn't concious. Maybe it is. Call it God, Goddess, the Universe, The Flying Spaghetti Monster, The Universal Concience, it is a reality for me.

I also accept that for some, there is nothing out there but space. They may be right. Who am I to say otherwise?

The reason for this rambling, is that I was inspired again by Mrs Liv Lane this morning when she talked about how the Angels helped her to locate a lost item. She has been inspiring me a lot lately, I know, but I also think that I have needed the beauty that she posts each day.

I've been going through kind of a tough time. It's still not time to talk about it fully, but I am finding myself having to make some choices and they aren't easy. Someone once looked me in the eye and told me that I am a bitch when I am stressed, and she was right. I've noticed myself turning increasingly cranky and downright assholish over the last month or so. I am working to fix it. Trying to find the balance. Trying to listen to the voice in my head, which is screaming at me again.

I'm not sure if I have ever told the story of the time I needed guidance and got it. How I lay in bed one night unhappy in my job and relationship, wondering how I was going to pay the rent and a voice said to me "Everything is going to be okay"

They were. And when things start getting crazy, even now, 10+ years later, this carries me through.

I've reached out to that energy, that whatever you want to call it lately. Unlike Liv, I tend to ask for help when I feel desperate. (hm. kinda like how I handle physical issues. hmm)  Maybe I need to ask more often, maybe not, I have to do what is right for me.

This time I have asked, not for the answer, but for help getting back on the path I need to be on. And it's funny how quickly I felt redirected. I don't generally make wishes, I don't usually pray for THINGS I want (well, I pray for the light to stay green or for the rain to hold off for a moment if I just did my hair) Or at least I try not to because sometimes these things are answered in unexpected and uncomfortable ways.

But guidance. Even if it ultimately comes fom within and I am redirecting my own life, I'm not afraid to ask for that. That I was poked back into a different direction so quickly tells me I was right to ask.

That doesn't make it easy. That doesn't mean that I am not still conflicted or suffering moodswings so severe that I have pondered going to the Dr. I have friends who have worried that I am angry with them, my house is a mess, and I swing from elation to tears. I osscillate between motivation and apathy. I know this is not normal for me. I know that there's something wrong in my life that is so severe that I have moved beyond feeling overwhelmed, beyond not sleeping, to whatever it is that I have become.

I have a whole list of reasons why. I am doing my best to work through them. Until then, I'll do my best to not be an asshole. The people in my world don't deserve that.

Art. A subjective matter

This morning I came across a post from one of my daily reads. Go look at her here if you like happy stuff. She is upset today over some twitter messages that got posted over the weekend. I recommend reading the post so that you can see what I am talking about.

Not one to get into twitter flame wars OR to take self help classes, I took something else from her upset.

Art. It's subjective. Really.

There is no specific definition of the term "art:". Likewise, there is not real job description for the designation of "artist". One person's art is another person's doorstop.

You have people with a natural aptitude for portraiture, color composition, the building of amazing structures. You have people who spend a lifetime in school to be able to do those very same things.
You have people who ejaculate on a canvas, paint it, and put it up for sale. I wish I was kidding. I wish I wasn't being literal. Not my style. Or my doorstop.

I study art every day. Not because I am a critic or a student, but because I love to see what a human can accomplish. Simple line drawings, vvibrant paper crafts, quilts, paintings, colorful soap, sculpture. Things that make me go, oooh. It is inspiration to me to see the beautiful things that other people make. A well made piece of anything will make me want to go home and create beauty for myself. I love to go to the state fair and look at the things people have made. Fine furniture with impossible curves, carefully hand stitched quilts, photography that takes my breath away.

There is a lot of what I would consider crap out there. But it is not my business to question the creator's belief that they are an artist. I will question whether they should sell that glitter encrusted pile of poo they found in their yard, (It's angel poo! see the halo?) but it is my choice not to buy it and regretsy's job to post it where I can look and giggle. Or gasp in horror.

I'm also not a fan of modern art. I can see the Nevada Museum of Art from my desk and I will be the first to tell you in not very nice terms that I don't care for the sculptures out front. But someone liked the design enough to commission them. And since they hold up to the crazy weather here, they must be well made. I recognize that even though I wouldn't put those sculptures in my yard.

I guess what I am not getting at, is although I may not like all of it, I would never tell someone to stop creating. I can't imagine questioning their ability to make something, and never tell them they should not share the knowledge they have. What makes an expert? Time in the field? Schooling? How about life? Intuition? How can one person's talent, schooling, and/or experience be more valid than another person's? What gives me the right to say, "I am an artist and you are not"? I may sometimes exclaim, "Good Lord! You have got to be kidding me!" across the cube farm, but I also accept that folks may say the same about my creations.

And they have, just not in so many words. I recently mentioned my Butt Soap in a forum and the response was "It's just brown". I didn't argue. They were apparently looking for something different (Pink, actually, but I say, not all butts are pink. There are plenty of perfectly valid brown butts out there.) and anyway, the name makes me giggle and draws attention to my product. Can't fault that. It may not have been what those people were looking for, but I have sold enough Butt Soap to know that some people are.

There are also those who would tell you that I am a crafts person, not an artist. And that's fine too. I don't need a label, I just need to create. Wanna come over and glue glitter to random stuff with me?

My own damn fault

Do you want to know my new secret to not spending money?

Accidentally double paying my mortgage so that I am rediculously overdrawn.

damnit

This really happened.

I really like my boss. She's super nice and fun. professional, but fun. She cracks us up every day. Yesterday it was her announcement that she would be drinking Manhattans to cure her cold. Today, it was this...

Me: LOL. Thanks.
Nancy:  What does LOL mean???   Little old Lady?????
Me: Oh, Nancy, no, silly. Laugh Out Loud. I forgot that you probably didn’t know what that meant. But good guess…
Nancy: Thank you for clearing that up….   I kept thinking you were calling me a little old ladyMe: Nancy, I love you and would never call you a little old lady.
Nancy:: Yes …  but I AM!!!!!!

Whoa

You know how sometimes life just gets crazy? This has been mine...

Leave Friday, go to San Diego to attend and precide over Girl Roomie's wedding. Return Sunday Evening.

work and derby monday. Work and movies tuesday.

Wednesday leave work early, take the dog to the kennel, pack, and get on a plane headed to LA for March Radness, the LA Derby Dolls banked track boot camp. Return late Sunday night. Work monday, skip practice, go hang with my family who is in town this week. Work tuesday. Meet the CEO of the company and stumble when he asks what I do. feel weird for being the only one in the room with less than a lifetime of banking experience.talk like I am on speed. skip family time to clean my pig sty.

and so we land o the right now. I should go put the laundry away so i can change my sheets but what will likely happen is that I will sleep with the laundry pile again and then get up and do it all over again...

This weekend my family is still in town. Next weekend we have a bout in Quincy. The next weekend we have Jello Wrestling in Carson city.

I would really like a day or two at home.

Dear Internet, I still love you

I've been pretty well MIA lately. It's for the usual reasons. The things I needed to talk about, I didn't feel like I could talk about and even though I put it all down on internet, something told me that I shouldn't hit post.

I listened to the voice in my head for once and I think that was smart.

Overall, things are good. I am setting goals for my business so that it grows instead of just sitting there. People really seem interested in my woven rugs. Now if I could just get folks to start buying... It will come, I know it.

Boy roomie got married. He looks really happy in the pictures and I am happy for him.

I married Girl Roomie off this weekend. She walked up to the little stage and I looked at her and cried. I am so happy for her. The man she married is a good egg.

It's a little odd to be one of the last ones left unhitched. I never really expected that I would lead that life, but sometimes I would like to. I may later, but I'm not right now. That is a choice I have made.

It's gonna be a whirlwind couple of weeks and then I am praying that it settles down for a little while. I'm getting tired!

Ebb and flow

Once again, I seem to be in the midst of an ebb. That is, I sure haven't been posting lately. Part of this is, as can happen, there are things I need to keep close to my chest. Also, the rest? hasn't been all that interesting.

I have a cold.
We are building our track and trying to find the money to finish it AND the money to start bouting. Roller Derby isn't just expensive to play.
I've been using my downtime to craft and to try and find ways of promoting secretcrafters as well as my other ventures.

Which is how I ended up here today. Seems I had a fan I was unaware of. So I added her over there in my links because she's awesome.

Fun with Google

I do a lot of googling these days. I thought I would sare the google suggestions when they make me cry...

Today google asked,

"Did you mean Tiny Weiner?"

I lost my shit.

Whew! Once again, the time, it flies!

Still hanging with the Boy Toy. Happy to do so, and am enjoying his company.

Went on a date last Saturday, it was fun. Was honest and told him I was seeing someone but not seriously. It took a lot of the pressure off. We drove around a lot, talked, and had dinner.

The track is almost built. I'm procrastinating sewing the nylon covers. I know I should just do it... But I have been bad about that lately. I tell myself I am going to get started on a project and then I do something else. BUT those somethings else have been productive!

SecretCrafters is picking up. It's exciting and fun to know I'm helping to facilitate a smile. If you haven't signed up yet, do!! 

If you have to ask, you probably are.

I had a sneaky suspicion that perhaps my "relationship" wasn't quite as meaningful as I would like it to be. Once again, I was feeling like I wasn't getting quite enough attention, one morning I woke up and the voice in my head said "you desperately want this to mean something", and I have really good reason to believe that he is seeing someone else too.

Girly trash in the bathroom in a bachelor's room is a pretty damn good indication. (and no, I didn't mention it and no, I wasn't digging through the trash, it was RIGHT THERE ON TOP. I couldn't miss it when I flushed the toilet.)

So I asked.

Apparently, I am not a booty call. Things are not serious (I didn't think they were) but he thinks too highly of me to consider me a booty call. He likes my company.

I don't think I have to tell you what the voice in my head said about that.

But I will give him that he took me to the movies that night and there was no monkey business so I feel a bit better about things. And the voice is quieter. And I will continue to see him because I like his company too.

But

It's not what I want. I want something with substance. And for some reason I keep inviting casual. I'm really looking hard at myself to find out why. Maybe it will grow into something, but in my experience, it won't, and I am not going to sit and wait for him to decide he can't live without me. Because he won't. And I already know I can live without him.

I am reminded, once again, that I tend to do better single. no emotional rollercoasters and I get things done. Like working on my business (I touch it almost every day lately!) and I start NEW adventures like the one below... Maybe that is my problem. That I am so independent that I give off the "i don't need you" vibe. And I invite men who don't want to be needed. Except Cheese. But we have been over that. 

In more positive and exciting news...

My friend Heather and I have started something great and I want you all to go take a look at it because, it's awesome and I am super excited about it. And by all means, join in the fun!

www.secretcrafters.com

day two

Overall, I will tell you if I like it when I start having normal days.

In other news, although I am not really one to make resolutions, I decided this past weekend to stop being so critical of others. Even the people on TV who may not know I am poking fun at them, but who are people nonetheless. I realized that somethings are either out of our control or not a priority. Maybe someone is having a bad hair day or week or year. Maybe they just don't care. Maybe they are made that way or can't afford fancy clothes or a personal tailor. Maybe they just like to pair polka dots and plaid.

Either way, I realized that it's not up to me to want people to follow my taste or to expect that they should magically conform to what I think is best for them just because I said so. If they aren't hurting me or themselves, who am I to question?

Opening and closing doors

Tomorrow will be  my last day at my current place of employment.

I never would have guessed my time here was ending 6 months ago. I was happy. Content in my little world, wishing for a little more money  but making ends meet.

Then Poo called with a job offer that would have taken me in an excellent career direction and off to the wilds of Oregon.

I didn't take the offer but it was a wake up call. I woke up and realized that I have a great deal of skill and experience that I am not using here. So I started looking and found what looked like the perfect position. At the same time, a supervisor position opened up here so I didn't apply. I have wondered since what a position in radio would have brought to my life. It would have definately been interesting.

I did apply to be supervisor. I am not going to go into the details as to why I didn't get the promotion, but not getting it gave me the opportunity to get some in warehouse experience that after two years in maintenance, I had not obtained.

I learned an important lesson. I didn't like it out there.

Happy that I could quietly return to the job that I like, I told myself that I would be happy where I was for now.

But it was too late. when I announced to the girls I skate with that I didn't get the Supervisor position and that I was looking, it set wheels in motion.

I didn't mention it here because I am not anonymous anymore. I know I have coworkers who read (HI PAUL!!) and it is possible that there are some who read but I don't know it.

All I can say is that the universe answered and I get to go work with Bratty Duke.

I'm going into Banking. I've never worked for a bank but I think it will be fun and interesting. It's scary and stressful to be leaving a place where I know I am happy (despite my occasional frustration, I am generally happy) where things are comfortable and I know people to a place where I am new.

This is how we grow and for me, it is time. Time to stretch my skills, time to learn new ones. I don't want to be a maintenance admin forever. There's nothing wrong with the position, it's comfortable. I know it well. But I do aspire to more.

So tomorrow I say goodbye to my comfort zone. I am returning to the world of suits and heels. Stepping out into the unknown.

I am going to miss the people here. I hugged a coworker on Friday and almost cried. Tomorrow will be worse, I can feel it. The goodbyes, the lunches, the cakes, it all seems endless. There is still so much I want to get done but I have to accept that there are things I won't get to. Especially if I don't stop writing and get back to work.

State of things

Not much has changed, I think. I'm still happy. Everything is still good.

I think.

I worry. I'm trying not to dwell on how worng I have been in the past. I am certainly not being as neurotic as I know I can be when I am interested in someone.

As always, time will tell.

Dear Bossman,

We have workd together for awhile not so I shouldn't have to tell you that if it's almost 1 pm, and I walk into your office to file something really quick with my lunch in hand that it isn't a good idea to tell me to wait a minute. for anything.

Because at that point, I will gladly stab you with my plastic fork for the wint-o-green lifesavers in your pocket. No disrespect, I just need to be fed regularly.

Sincerely,

Your Admin

In other news...

I will be guest posting over at Polkadotbandit every Friday. It will be mostly home and craft related stuff because that is the kind of blog she has, but go check it out. I'm really excited at the idea of guest posting anywhere and am flattered that she is allowing me into her world. Maybe I will even let my mom go read that one. There's two posts already scheduled, and more in my head. Exciting stuff. And nice to see something that ISN'T man related. sheesh!

At the risk of...

Being found out, the flirtaion I spoke of has turned to something more. I worry about talking about it here, because i know there is someone who will tell him, .and  that it will hurt Cheese. I haven't told him. Yes, he will find out eventually and yes, this is precisely what T did to me, and gods how it hurt when I found out. I would really rather know he is seeing someone first.

Not a good basis for a friendship, I know. I'm not lying to him about it, I'm just not telling him, which could be considered lying by omission, but ultimately, as I have told him there is no hope for a future between us, that we do not belong together, that we both deserve to love and be loved, it's really none of his business.

I know that some of the girls find the new guy a bit creepy. I am not discounting this in any way shape or form. I am not ignoring it. it's in the back of my mind at every moment. I think of it when I look at him, I consider it in his every word. (Which kind of sucks, but we know I have terrible taste in men. Good people, bad for me)

I realized something though.

I am happy. Happier than I have been in a long time. Right now. And right now I am going with it. And accepting the happiness as something that might change but something that I have right now. I'm looking over the last several years of dating and the pattern isn't pretty. Shall we recap?

Cheese was worthy of all I could give but I just couldn't find it. (I'm pretty into the new guy right now)
The one before wasn't ready for a relationship and i don't know if he ever will be ready for a relationship with me. I will always have love for him. I'm glad we are on speaking terms again. It has brought joy into my world. (new guy seems to be wanting the same things I do)
Hi Five treated me like I didn't matter. I felt last on his list. Whether this is accurate or not is questionable, but the perception is there (I have not felt lacking in the new guys attention. He has his own life too, but I don't feel neglected)
B. I was happy with B. But it was all based on a lie. (new guy, as far as i know has been honest (he even told me he asked Flash to coffee after he found out that I wasn't available. She didn't go. I'm flattered that there is any comparison between she and I), the stories add up, there are no small children waiting for him at home nor is there a crazy ex wife calling while we are out. as far as I know)

I could go on, but I am already bored with it. and we have now gone back two years.

I'm taking the moments as they come. I'm having fun getting to know someone new and enjoying his company. I think it's healthy.

Except for the guilt part... I have nothing to feel guilty about...I have nothing to feel guilty about...I have nothing to feel guilty about...

I'm going to keep repeating that until the guilt goes away.

Trying again

I'm not blaming him, but my months with Cheese undid two years of derby weightloss. when Kindovermatter announced the Be Kind to your Body Challenge, and linked me to Loseit.com, I decided that this might help me lose those 15 pounds. And lemme tell you, I waste a lot of calories eating candy!

I am hoping that I don't fall off the bandwagon, I think that the process of logging everything and getting to see my reports in graph form will help. We shall see!

I miss sleep

• I stopped following Cheese on Twitter all together last night because he is making some really poor choices and I can't watch him throw all the good things away. I also refuse to feel responsible for his downward spiral and I think that watching  it will only make me feel guilty. I hope he pulls out of this tailspin quickly.
• I need to stop taking Derby personally. I end up looking like an asshole and I am tired of it.
• Still not sure about the guy. Flash Crash gets a very strong creepy vibe. And that it definately something to take into consideration. Time will tell

Later...

Talked to Cheese. He said that twitter wasn't entirely accurate. I let him know how it appears when he posts certain things and he said he would be more careful.
a little while later, he asked if he could point out a few things about me. Since I like to pretend that I can take constructive criticism and learn from it, I accepted his offer.
He didn't want me to read the emails until I got home, but of course i did because, well, you would too. Much of what he said was accurate. Some was most certainly not.
I never cheated. never ever. I looked. I'm human. I'm sure he looked too. But I never touched. Never flirted, never crossed any lines.
I will respond to him when I get home.

I'm so tired of navel gazing. while I am sure I haven't discovered all my flaws, there are so many of them I am aware of. I sit and stare at them, they haunt my sleepless nights. I know he needs to get these things out, that it is part of his healing process, and he needs to admit to me and to himself that I am hardly perfect. despite my bravado, its not easy to see it spelled out.

Again?

If I had a dollar for every date that has been canceled (even for a good reason) I'd be a rich woman. Or, at the very least could buy myself a nice new outfit.

Since I don't hav a dollar, I am going to do my best to make the best of a day with no plans!