Monday, April 18, 2011

Why yes, actually, I do hear voices.

I don't generally discuss matters of religion here. It's tough to avoid offending someone because most people, no matter what they do or don't believe, are pretty firm on it. Plus, I firmly believe that religion is between you and whatever you do or don't believe in.

I don't consider myself particularly religious, but I do consider myself to be among the faithful. I believe, wholeheartedly, that there is a foce bigger than myself out there. Maybe it isn't concious. Maybe it is. Call it God, Goddess, the Universe, The Flying Spaghetti Monster, The Universal Concience, it is a reality for me.

I also accept that for some, there is nothing out there but space. They may be right. Who am I to say otherwise?

The reason for this rambling, is that I was inspired again by Mrs Liv Lane this morning when she talked about how the Angels helped her to locate a lost item. She has been inspiring me a lot lately, I know, but I also think that I have needed the beauty that she posts each day.

I've been going through kind of a tough time. It's still not time to talk about it fully, but I am finding myself having to make some choices and they aren't easy. Someone once looked me in the eye and told me that I am a bitch when I am stressed, and she was right. I've noticed myself turning increasingly cranky and downright assholish over the last month or so. I am working to fix it. Trying to find the balance. Trying to listen to the voice in my head, which is screaming at me again.

I'm not sure if I have ever told the story of the time I needed guidance and got it. How I lay in bed one night unhappy in my job and relationship, wondering how I was going to pay the rent and a voice said to me "Everything is going to be okay"

They were. And when things start getting crazy, even now, 10+ years later, this carries me through.

I've reached out to that energy, that whatever you want to call it lately. Unlike Liv, I tend to ask for help when I feel desperate. (hm. kinda like how I handle physical issues. hmm)  Maybe I need to ask more often, maybe not, I have to do what is right for me.

This time I have asked, not for the answer, but for help getting back on the path I need to be on. And it's funny how quickly I felt redirected. I don't generally make wishes, I don't usually pray for THINGS I want (well, I pray for the light to stay green or for the rain to hold off for a moment if I just did my hair) Or at least I try not to because sometimes these things are answered in unexpected and uncomfortable ways.

But guidance. Even if it ultimately comes fom within and I am redirecting my own life, I'm not afraid to ask for that. That I was poked back into a different direction so quickly tells me I was right to ask.

That doesn't make it easy. That doesn't mean that I am not still conflicted or suffering moodswings so severe that I have pondered going to the Dr. I have friends who have worried that I am angry with them, my house is a mess, and I swing from elation to tears. I osscillate between motivation and apathy. I know this is not normal for me. I know that there's something wrong in my life that is so severe that I have moved beyond feeling overwhelmed, beyond not sleeping, to whatever it is that I have become.

I have a whole list of reasons why. I am doing my best to work through them. Until then, I'll do my best to not be an asshole. The people in my world don't deserve that.


212degreedesigns said...

i really do wish we lived closer to each other at least twice a week. Yea I talk to "them" too.. or rather they talk to me and occasionally when I'm feeling smart,.. I listen. lol

Mercury goes direct on friday,.. it will all start to at least FEEL a lil better then...


Sensei said...

I encourage you to listen to the voice of your heart more than external voices. Anyone that is not you will tend to tell you what will motivate you to do things that benefit them. It is sad but true that we are all selfish...whether we have a body or not.