Or perhaps it is the people I spend time with. I would really like to know how to make it stop.
The following entry discusses my chest. You may want to skip this if you don't want to hear about it.
Here's the thing. I have, as many of you have seen, rather large breasts. I knew they were sizable, but I never relly realized just how large they appear until I saw a picture of myself in a certain dress from a couple of years ago. No, I will not post that picture. It's a great dress. But I think it emphasizes my "assets" a little too well. That's not the point.
Ever since they started growing between 7th and 8th grade, my breats have been a subject of conversation. Among my family, it is a normal dinner time topic. My little sister gets discussed too. I guess this has put it into my mind that the discussion of my body is a normal, casual thing.
Among my friends, as we have grown older, and the guys more comfortable with me, they have become a topic as well. This, I admit, I encouraged for awhile with frequent flashings (never bare) while accompanied by my dear friend Stena. It was a great fun joke. I look back on this time as a period of my life when I needed the attention. Needed the validation that I was attractive or at least had an attractive feature. That doesn't make it classy. WhenI realized that it was not a ladylike thing to do, I quietly stopped. It's been a couple of years since I have behaved this way. There are still a few of my single male friends who have no problem expressing thier enjoyment of my hugs.
I am not a frequent hugger. I rarely go in for the hug except with people I know well or, people who approach me this way first. Family members, close friends, I don't have a problem hugging, but I don't really consider it a form of greeting when a simple "see ya later" will suffice. I will not refuse though.
A couple of months ago, I think I posted about a run-in I had with my sister's brother-in law, when he hugged me and, while he was at it, basically fondled me with his chest, pressing into me and moving about, pulling me closer when I tried to pull away. I scolded him for it. I told him it was inappropriate, as I am practically his sister. That he needs to view me that way. It was an awkward moment.
Last time Wayne and I went to dinner, we hugged goodbye. He commented on the feel of my chest pressed against his and frankly, it made me feel icky. But, I told myself, Wayne is one of those people who says what he is thinking. It's just the way he is. But today, after breakfast when we were saying our goodbyes at Harbucks where we met, he asked for a hug. So that he could feel my breasts. In a crowded restaurant. I didn't want to do it.
And I wondered, what did I do, how did I behave to make him think that this is ok with me? Is it a byproduct of knowing me? I do not have implants, I am how I was made. And I have been becoming increasingly uncomfortable with how I was made. My neckline, always low cut, has crept up slowly over the last couple of years. (probably not a bad thing, actually) I have been wearing a lot of sweatshirts. On my way home today, I was pondering minimizing bras. Granny bras. solutions that would make me feel like a person hugging me wanted to hug me, not my chest. Perhaps this is the byproduct of the pride I have always had in regards to them.
All I can think is that there must be something I did to encourage it. After all, this is the same woman who posted a closeup on the internet. I must have brought this upon myself, but how do I go about making it stop?