Monday, September 25, 2006

I have never felt so strongly

I am blessed with the most amazing support group. You guys included.

Saturday I received a phone call from the storage place telling me my dad wanted to cut off the lock and get into the unit. I requested that he not be allowed to do so.

Then, he called me himself. He demanded to be allowed into the unit, telling me that I had no right to take over it and that no one could keep him from his stuff. I replied that as far as I am concerned, it's my stuff now, as I have paid for it, and he told his girl friend who told me to do as I pleased with it. He seems to have conveniently forgotten that, as he tends to forget when he gives me stuff when he wants it back. Then, all hell broke loose and I let him have it.

I yelled. I screamed, I screeched and cried. Ugly words were said that were true and from my heart. He says he didn't need a babysitter, I told him he does and here is why. I used my angry voice, I used voices I didn't know I had.

When he asked the following, "What do you want me to do, cut myself and bleed for you?" I knew that this is a man who need psychiatric help. That sobriety is not enough.

when I ran out of courage, I got off the phone and called my sister who told me how proud she was that I stood up to him.

He has threatened to break into the unit and go to jail for it (Good, I said, when you are in jail I know you are safe and taken care of) He threatened a court order and to rescind the power of attorney since I misused it by taking over his storage. (I told him I should have taken over everything three years ago, then he would still have a house and money) I really don't care if he takes the power of attorney, what little I have done cannot be undone with that move. If he applies for a court order, I hope that the judge has the foresight to call me and ask why I would do this thing.

I mentioned that he called me because he was about to lose the storage anyway, he replied that he would have gotten the money. I maintain that I was a last resort, and, anyone else paying for it would have wanted to be paid back, which he has made no mention of doing. Apparently, from what he told my mom, (he called her to get my cell number) and the whole cut myself comment, he thinks I owe him something.

So after all that was over, and I cried at C's house, (he was shocked when I told him how I reacted) and he offered to play bodyguard if I need it (remember what I said about my support system??) I went out and about with my mom. We picked up my birthday present, in grey, and I LOVE IT. It was so calming to be with her. I warned her to keep her gun handy. Biker bob skipped drinking with they guys to spend sometime with me, which was great, I needed the company.

Yesterday I was bedridden with a headache. Last night I hardly slept. But that could have been in part to the brownies I made with the new mixer.

Today, as I write this post, the storage place has called. I have no legal right to keep him out of the unit. I will stop paying for his belongings to be stored and will try to recover some stuff out of there (and leave a few things that I took) and call it all done. Him too. I don't care to see my father again. Not that I have seen him these last few years, but I don't want to wonder when he will call again, I don't want to have to go through his drama again. He is a foul individual who's head I would very much like to rip off, if only it meant that by shouting down his neck he might be able to absorb some of the anger I feel for him. I don't think I should have people in my life who make me feel this angry.

I would never harm my father unless he came at me. I don't trust him not to do that. The feeling I feel so strongly, I was finally able to name about halfway through my day yesterday. The feeling is rage.


Sensei Ern said...

Anger is not a wrong emotion, despite what modern, non-confrontational ideas teach. If used properly, it is an awesome tool. Unfortunately, very few people use it properly.

You did it properly.

As for this: "We picked up my birthday present, in grey, and I LOVE IT."

Did you get the Harley or the Kawasaki? :)

Gary said...

You need to remember that there is no reason at all for you to feel bad about anything you do concerning your dad. His problems have turned him into someone you can't deal with. I think you are 100% right in this situation. I'm glad you have Biker Bob and others around to help you.

Ginamonster said...

I'm glad I have you guys to support me too!

and Sensei, it was neither. it's the Grey Kitchenaid. The middle size one. Can't ride it, but I can bake with it!