Thursday, February 26, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
It’s over between B and I.
It turns out that he was lying about a lot more than just the ex wife living with him. Among other things, he is a pot smoker and anyone who knows me knows that is one of the biggest deal breakers of them all.
But he lied to me. Whatever reasons he gave, it was all a lie. He looked me in the eye and he told me a lie. He said were no more secrets. That he had come clean with everything. Apparently, there was more.
And once again, I feel like a fool. I don’t want to stop trusting people I don’t want to think that every man is lying. I wanted to believe him. And that hurts too.
I ended it over email, which I told myself I wouldn’t do ( I also said I would never pull a fade away because I know how much it sucks) but, as I told Wifey and Seester, I can’t sit across another table drinking coffee and hearing him promise that there are no more lies.
I told him I had no more understanding or forgiveness. I think I have had more than I should have. I told him I didn’t think we should try to be friends. I told him goodbye.
I’ve always hated goodbyes.
I deleted all of his text messages. Put all his remaining emails into a folder to be deleted later. I pulled him out of my contacts. Off my phone, and will be un-friend-ing him on Facebook. I’m not even sure how to do that but I guess I will learn!
But the funny thing is, that the universe brought a boy into my life last week. It takes good care of my feelings, providing comfort when my heart gets broken. I thought he slipped away but our relationship was cemented on Monday. And that one? Is a keeper. Pictures to come.
I wrote this right after the emails went back and forth, goodbye, goodbye. I managed to keep it together all day at work and all the way home. When I opened my facebook page, the first thing I saw was a poke from B, something that we used to joke about, something that between us was more than a friendly gesture. I lost it then. I still haven't found it and deleting him from my friends proved to be more difficult than I ever imagined. Without a doubt, I did the right thing. But it still hurts. I know, the end usually does, and I keep reminding myself of all the cliches. When one door closes, another opens. There's one out there for me. He wasn't the right one. There's plenty more fish in the sea. I have heard them all. I have comforted myself with them more times than I can count. It still hurts. All day I kept expecting an email or text. That's normal too. I've been there before too. Too many times. You get used to that constant communication. I got used to Louie's all night text fests, I got used to the Cowboy's nightly calls and my weekly visits with him. I was accustomed to T's constant emails, after it was techically over between us (yet I still held onto hope)
I wanted a future with the man I spent my time with over the last six months. Really, the one he presented to me in the first place. He had 3 kids and an ex wife who lived healthy and happy in another house. His kids were well adjusted and he was drug free. He treated me kindly.
He never really stopped treating me kindly. He was just lying the whole time about most of it. That hope was dashed when I got that message on myspace. I knew in my heart that it was likely the beginning of the end but i wanted to try. I wanted to know that I gave it every chance. That I wasn't giving up at the first sign of difficulty. But truly? I also know that the first signs started months ago. The man I was presented was not the truth. Regardless of what he tells me he was never the truth. I have never (that I know of) been lied to like that. Small fibs, I'm sure. Those happen. There were even a couple I knew were lies but I kind of understood so I let it go. This is big stuff. The stuff that came out last week, invaded my every moment, especially on Saturday when every time I looked at him I thought, he lied. I think he knew what I was thinking. There was a tension that wouldn't go away. Maybe he felt that too.
The evil ex? succeeded in his plot to make trouble. But I cannot blame him. He wouldn't have had any ammo if B had not lied.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
I knew that there was trouble so I contacted B. Indeed there had been trouble the night before and he begged me not to call him.
Of course you know that I did. Using very colorful language and doing my best harpy imitation I told him in no uncertain words to leave us alone. That he wouldn’t use me to hurt B.
B was kept apprised of the situation and begged me not to contact him again. I promised. And I will hold to it.
I knew that the trouble was not over, however and I was right, as a few minutes later a text came over the line. According to the poisonous prose, B and his ex were still living together and sleeping together.
Once again, I checked in. And didn’t hear back for a long time.
It’s true, apparently, that she is living there and has been for about a week, which explains why he was suddenly able to spend more time with me. It’s not so much that she is living there that hurts me, but that he didn’t tell me.
I also learned that she has lived there most of the time over the last 6 months or so that we have been seeing/talking to each other. And all the little holes in the stories suddenly filled in. So, apparently, has the ex boyfriend. Both of them, staying in his house, allowing him to support them since neither of them tend to have a job. B allowing it since he won’t turn out the mother of his children.
I met with him last night before practice to talk about things. He assured me that the stories would all be true henceforth. I told him I would need to think. That I don’t know what the right course of action is.
Part of me says to walk (RUN!!!) away. It says I should have done so long ago. It calls me a fool and an idiot for knowing things didn’t add up and believing him anyway.
Part of me says that I can’t let the bad guy win even though the good guy wasn’t truthful.
But I get hung up there. It’s not the bad guys fault B wasn’t truthful. And while I don’t want him to succeed in making him miserable and “ruining his life” I’m also not sure that I can have a relationship with someone who deliberately deceived me. In my head, that makes him a bad guy too. I told him in the beginning, before we even met in person, not to lie to me. And it has happened more than once. I thought we had gotten past that. It makes me wonder what else he has lied about and suddenly, I feel Dirty, Sullied. A fool, once again, despite his assurances that all of the untruths have been uncovered.
Regardless, I know that the drama is not over. Ex Boyfriend is threatening a restraining order against me as he says I threatened him. I think that part is funny since he’s all of 6’2” which means I come up to oh, his belly button or so. And, I’m pretty damn sure I didn’t. But, you know, I was busy screaming like a harpy, which was actually kind of fun. B and the Ex wife are supposedly getting one against him. I have held up my end of the bargain and not responded to any of this.
Apparently, I am also a psycho bitch which give me no end to the giggles.
I don’t generally do drama. I don’t need it or want it. But I tend to invite it somehow.
B and I are trying to work it out. I am aware that I will constantly wonder what is true and what isn't, and that spells doom. But the thought of ending it made me feel REALLY sad. I'm still in "we'll see" mode.
In other news, Last week or so, an old coworker contacted me. I was a bit surprised because we had never been close. We chatted a few times and talked about making a custom soap basket for his fiancée, but that’s about it.
I responded, of course, to his email, I don’t have a problem with him. Let him know the basics on what I have been up to with Reno and Derby and all that.
Monday night I got a message from him that disturbed me greatly.
Apparently, I and my assets have been a subject of his fantasy life for years. I didn’t mind the part of the message that said he had a crush on me, goodness knows; I develop a new work crush every week. But when he asked if he could ask some personal/naughty questions, I yelled in terror and ran away from my computer. I finally responded, that I was not comfortable answering such questions from anyone but my boyfriend who would appreciate knowing there was a distinction. He apologized and I have not heard from him again.
How do I attract this?
Sunday, February 08, 2009
I'm not entirely certain how to properly relay the following story, so you will have to pardon me if it does not flow.
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
While that sounds like a fancy way to say that my finger is broke, know that the diagnosis didn’t come from a doctor, but from my supervisor who, after 8 months of hearing stories about them men that I do and have dated, decided that I just don’t know how to pick good ones. My picker is broken.
Following hot on the tails to this announcement, Tony, a coworker who has been nicknamed “The Angry Mustache” by another coworker, announced that he could tell me where to go pick up good men. According to his daughters, construction sites, apparently, NOT bookstores are the best places to find good guys. After all, only geeks hang out in bookstores.
Never mind that I have a boyfriend and although he has his issues, he treats me well and we enjoy each other’s company. I have my issues too. But should it so happen that it doesn’t work out between us, I’ll be sure to head to my nearest construction site to strut myself and maybe catch myself a good man who doesn’t spend time in bookstores.
Monday, February 02, 2009
B mentioned casually that he really wanted to go to the batting cages sometime but that he didn’t know where they were.
It just so happened, that I got lost one day and found them. So I showed him where they are. (It’s a really cool spot, cages, food, beer…) And we decided to hit a few. Or, I should say, he hit many, and I swung a lot. Mostly, though, I just watched.
I don’t think I have ever seen him ooze that much joy. His face? Was lit up. He looked 10 years younger in that batting helmet. (Not that he looks old by any means) It had just been too long since he indulged in a good batting session.
We’ll be going there again. I would gladly learn to actually hit the balls, and I want to encourage him to do the things he loves. I’ve been trying to get him back on his skateboard but he says he’s too old. I say, at 34, there’s no such thing. That’s what pads are for. I’m even willing to go to the skate park with him. I can skate there too. And yes, B, I will wear bootie shorts and fishnets. It’s good practice for me to get off the rink and play on the ramps. It’s something we can do together. And it’s good for his soul to do the things he loves.
I think it’ll stop making him feel so old…