Listening to Cowboy talk to me about the hurts he is feeling right now, two of them, actually, his ailing grandmother being one, I am reminded that it has been six years, I think, since Ma died.
The day is fresh in my mind. I will never forget her final moments. I'll never forget having to call my dad and tell him she passed. I'll never forget kneeling at the feet of her roomate who had been praying for her all day to tell her she was gone.
I'll never forget my ex that night in bed asking why I was crying. Seven months later, it was over.
There's nothing that can be said to relieve the pain he is feeling. I pray that she makes it through this time. Because while you are never really ready to let someone go, it's nice to have a little bit of time to prepare. And he has gone through so much in the last year that I think he needs the comfort of knowing his grandmother is there.
I'm glad he went to visit her a couple of months ago. He hadn't seeen her in a few years.
He says he thinks shes ready though. Grandpa went in 1970 and she never remarried. I remember wheen my Great Grandfather died. It wasn't long before that, he had a dream that my Great Grandmother came to visit. He was ready. Not long before Ma died, her mother came to her and told her to quit bein silly. Or stubborn. Either would have fit. I wanted to ask Cowboy if she had any visits yet. He tends to think I am too close to the spirit world as it is. People can only hear so many ghost stories before they start thinking you're nuts.
But he was telling me of his other sorrow. Another one that I understand. That hurt I don't like to talk about. The one that still brings tears even though there has been no contact since August. I try not to, but I think of him still. Not because I still think there is hope, but because I care. And I worry about his happiness even though it isn't my business anymore.
I worry that I am rushing headlong into another heartbreak. It's a gamble. Just when I decide I don't have anything more to bet, I get a little jackpot. Enough to keep me going until I decide I have nothing left again. I wonder if the prize is worth it. I wonder if i will still want it if I get it.
If I get it.
I've never been very good at gambling. Except maybe with my emotions.
In other news, Clint is here again today. I was really pretty bitter about it until he helped Poo put the chains on my car. It's really hard to dislike someone who is rolling around in the snow for your safety. Sigh.