My long affair with Wally

I met Wally years ago when he moved to my town. Like any bored teen, I was smitten. Wally entertained my friends and I late at night. Wally encouraged my favorite addiction.

Over the years, I continued to love Wally even though I knew he was bad. Boyfriends came and went, but always, Wally was there. Remember, he entertained, he supported my habits (and cheaply!) Wally could provide whatever I wanted at any time, and, as I started to travel, anywhere!

Recently, I decided to break off my love affair with Wally. Wally has some habits that I don't agree with. Wally was unkind to my sister. Wally and I have severely different political views.

So I left Wally and did not return. I left Wally on December 22, 2007 and didn't turn back. I decided to get my fix with the frenchman. Since the Frenchman lives far way, my fix isn't so close, and I don't indulge as often. (Sometimes it was several times a day!)

Today, I visited Wally. I didn't get my fix, I needed something else. What the fuck did I ever see in Wally?

side note:
Daddy called today. Needed money. Of course I did. At least I don't think I have to worry about him trying to move up here (not that he has suggested it, but if he isn't afraid to ask for money, what is to stop him from asking to stay for a bit?). He seemed positively HORRIFIED by the concept of snow. I like it. hee.

I've been trapped in a lot of pipe dreams

A couple of days ago, a woman I know, as my mom put it, took her life. Never have i felt so much like she made the decision that was right for her. This is a feeling I never thought I would experience after a friend committed suicide.
It's strange, but I feel at peace with her decision. I know she had some personal struggles, and I can't help but feel like she decided that it was time for her to be done living, so she went.
It was pills. She went to sleep and never woke up. Left a note for her husband. I've always thought that suicide is the most selfish thing you can do. That when you aren't strong enough to struggle through life like the rest of us, then you take yourself out. I don't feel that way this time. My perception of the act has changed. I accept completely the passing of my sister starseed. I know she did what she needed to do.

In other news, I have been looking for a house. I've actually entered several and I am finding that the options within my price range are total dumps. Part of this is because I want horse property (not really so I can have a horse right now, although I might someday, but because I like land and maybe another goat. I miss the goat)
So Poo tells me, that when he buys his large parcel of land that I can have a chunk. and build a house. And it will be mine. And wouldn't you know, a lovely floor plan is taped to my desk right now.
But then, he's had a few.
And would I feel guilty taking that land from him the way I feel guilty about living in his apartment? And could I use the loan I have prequalified for and build a house?
Will I put aside what I am doing now only to find it fall through and I missed my opportunity for a low cost home? Should I buy now, take the land, sell and use the money to build?
That land, that start, could make so many of my dreams come true.
Is it tangible or daydreams?

I just want to make the right choice.

Dear Poo,

I understand that you are just looking out for my best interests. And I had originally planned to use the realtor that is the wife of a friend. But as I told you a couple of days ago, I want to give this guy a try. he seems to be really interested in making this happen for me. The right way. He's not pushy, he seems honest.

In case you haven't noticed, I like to do things my way. I will listen, but if I have mapped a course of action, I'm going to follow it. I know you are worried, I know you have experience in home buying. But I think you have not noticed that the more you push me, the more stubborn I will be. Maybe you are forgetting because you have been drinking, I don't know. But when I am ready for help. I will ask for it. I like to do things my way. Being lectured will only piss me off.

sincerely,
G

PS-I decided that there were too many issues with this home both personal and structural.
PSS- BTW, telling me that I'm just like my mother in the middle of arguments or when I disagree with you? not a good way to win me over to your side of the argument.

Dear Poo,

I wish I knew how to comfort you right now, but I think what you want most is for me to not see you upset. You knew this would happen eventually. That the time would come. I think you hoped you were wrong last week when you told me it would happen soon. In the next two weeks you said. Come to think of it, I think it was the day before yesterday. Maybe the day before that.

You tell me you don't know what to do. I think you know what to do but you don't want to. All I know is what I would do in your situation and I hope, for your sake, that you will do that too. It's time. In so many ways it's time. There won't be another opportunity, so go now. Don't have that regret. If not for him, go for you. I see how it hurts that you didn't take your last opportunity. It haunts you. Say goodbye. It will heal you.

Love,
Me

I'll follow the sun

I've always had a fondness for rain. This is likely because it is pretty rare in San Diego. But I like it. I like watching it run down the windows of my car, I like feeling rain drops on my face.

Snow gives it a whole new dimension. The snowflakes sit on my face just a little bit longer; lingering like tiny frozen kisses. And when tiny perfect snowflakes dust my car, it's as if someone is gifting me with hundreds of tiny stars. A wonderful show just for me. I could probably watch it for minutes. Many minutes.

I love it.

Dear Cowboy,

I hope you understand how much I understand that it puts you in a funk when you talk to your ex wife. Knowing that she is regretful now must make it hurt even more although you know you would not be happy with her. I realize that he and I were never married, but I have been there before. I have walked in your shoes. I hope that I can one day express that without it sounding like I am diminishing your pain. I think you know I wouldn't do that.

And the other one? The one I don't think I have talked about except in very minor ways to you? That one would throw me in a loop if he contacted me. It's a good thing I don't have to worry about that. Perhaps one day, I'll be able to tell you about that one too.

I also hope that you realize that I am truly excited by your planning and your schemes. Partially because I think you are an intelligent individual with an excellent grasp of business and a well rounded view of the direction you want to go. It's admirable. It's inspiring. It's also because I think those schemes are likely to keep you nearby. That's the part where I am a little bit selfish. If you went off to greener pastures, I would understand. I would wish you the best and success. But I don't think we would stay in touch.

I think you know that every moment I spend with you is an investment and a gamble. It's funny how I will gamble with my emotions and not my cash

G

I am my mother's daughter after all

My mom grew up in a house full of boys. Out of 8 children, there were only 2 girls. You can imagine that she was a tomboy. Actually, she was the very picture of a tomboy. Broke her nose playing baseball. Got in fights protecting her sister and brother's honor (in those days, being Native American was not accepted. My aunt and uncle are half-or-something) Ran around without a shirt until she was 11.

I am like her more than I like to admit sometimes even though she is an amazing woman. My mom taught me many things. She taught me about see-food. She taught me about dancing. (My mother dances like no other... She has her own style.)

Today, I channeled her like I am embarrassed to say is possible.

In order to get to my cube, I have to pass the desk of one of the assistant chief engineers. Today, after I ambled past, he started the following conversation; (words may have changed slightly on account of my memory)

"You know, every time you walk past, I get a cold breeze. You really need to do something about that"

Blink.

"I could fart every time I walk past and you'll get a warm breeze but,"

"I'll take the cold breeze"

My ass is killing me

I finished my fourth derby practice last night by breaking through a small group of blockers and then, at the point where I would have scored a point had we actually been playing, hitting the rink. I scraped my knee through my knee pad to achieve my first Reno Derby injury.

And, having completed my trial, I am now a Reno Roller Girl, and while on probation, thrilled to be in the league. I'm not sure if I have mentioned how welcoming they are and how pleased I am to be a part of it, even newly so. But I won't gush about it forever, just as long as I can't walk for the pains in my groin. Seriously. Ow. AND I can't WAIT to make a roller monkey. It's all planned out in my head. Too bad I'm lazy, it might take awhile to actually make it happen.

I'm skipping practice tonight, having completed my two a week requirements, mostly because it doesn't start until 9 which means no beddy bye until midnight or so. Way too late for this sleepyhead! I'd like to see cowboy, but I doubt I will at this point, so I think I am going to settle in for an evening of sewing or spinning. And movie watching. and probably sleeping because it kinda hurts to do anything else.

My room is clean! but my closet isn't

I need to find a new home. It's past time.

The thing that frightens me about that is that I feel very uncertain about the job. I had another run in with that coworker the other day, and since our other issues found their way to the general manager's ear, I have no doubt that this one will too. I have witnesses, and I told Poo right away what happened, but I do not have faith that I will come out smelling rosey even though I didn't do anything wrong. I think it angers me most of all that the GM hears about these things. Petty power struggles between two individuals that should be working together, who's job descriptions are completely different, but reliant in many ways upon each other. They shouldn't be happening, they shouldn't be bothering the GM. She's a busy lady and we aren't even management. It's unprofessional.

If this were my only problem there, I would pass it off as a clash between us two. But simple projects that should take two days, stretch into four. Or, they don't get completed. Or I try to schedule and plan and the supervisors start without consulting me. Management? encourages it in many ways with their "right now whatever it takes" attitude. And I keep reminding myself that "If you don't have time to do it right, when are you going to have time to fix it?"

I want to be successful there. I want to do it right. My frustrations are pushing me into an unhealthy level of apathy that I don't care for. I push paper around. I try to get people paid (accounts payable is too busy to pay my bills, when they haven't lost them completely). I try to keep track of things that are encased in people's heads. I try to keep track of projects that people start around me. And it's frustrating. And disheartening.

I stay for the sake of Poo.

The train whistles don't wake me anymore

I was reminded on the way home from Cowboy's tonight of how I used to ride the bus when I was younger. I missed the bus a lot.

As I drove past the bus stop in Cowboy's neighborhood, I pondered the idea that the local kids probably get a ride to the stop. Each morning, as with some of my bus mates, their parents wait with them, cars running, heater on, in time for the school bus in the morning.

For us, a car ride to the bus stop was a rare and special treat usually provided by the next door neighbor. More often then not, we ran to catch the bus that would take us the approximately 8 miles to school. (it sure seemed further than that) On cold days, my still wet hair would freeze a bit and I constantly had shin splints from running down hill in cheap shoes. There were many times that I missed the bus and my parents never knew. A neighbor would take me in to town. There were many times when I had to slink back up the hill, a good half mile or so and explain that I didn't make it. Again. There was nothing like the horrible feeling when I would watch the bus drive away. No amount of waving would get the driver to stop on those days. Later, she would admit, she thought it was funny. She could see us in the rearview mirror. Missing the bus meant big trouble for me. You would think I would have learned to be punctual.

The first time it happened, I thought I could walk to school. We had just moved to the country from the city and I had no idea just how long it would take to walk, I just knew that I had to get there. At 12, it didn't occur to me that I shouldn't walk up a long windy road without sidewalks. I was still within sight of the bus stop when a car pulled over.

"I'm Kelly's Dad" he said, as he offered me a ride. I got in. A bit down the road I realized that I had a lot more to be worried about than the wrath of my parents. (at the time, it was about equal, actually) I prayed that nothing bad would happen. When I got out safely at my school, I worried that someone would find out.

I remember telling a friend. I didn't have many. I don't know who told my sister or cousin (I don't remember which found out first) I don't remember the punishment even though I sure there was one. I never took another ride to school with a stranger.

Happy HNT-Roller Gear Edition

It's become increasingly interesting to get all of what I want to put in the little bit o picture I have on my computer camera. I use it because my digital camera is so often just too much trouble. Yes. I am that lazy.

Meanwhile, I went to my second practice with the Reno Roller Girls tonight and they are, so far, everything I think a team should be. They have been welcoming, helpful, and supportive. And I haven't even really started with the real practices yet. Next week though, it's gonna be tough.

I try really hard not to talk to much about the practicing I did before. I don't want anyone to think I am making comparisons even though I am a little bit. I also don't want to come across as something I am not. I never got to try out. I was never beyond the "probationary" period. I do my best to make that clear. The two teams are definately different, and I think I will be a better fit in this one.

I'm also going to have to break down and get some skates. I know I have said this before, but since my skates are in storage, and I have been using rentals, I am simply miserable. My feet are killing me. Granted, the rink skates are WAY faster, but they rub me wrong and tend to have funny arches. I don't have arches. ow. Ebay here I come...

At least the stove won't catch fire anymore

It's been a fun and exciting couple of days. Between high stresses at work, flying home for a wedding, and my first Reno Roller Girls practice tonight, I am feeling a bit crazy!

Work...I don't talk about it much, but I have recently been handed some challenges that I am trying to work through. It's being tough. It's being frustrating. But I am trying to work through it. no pun intended

The wedding was great! I snuck Drunk Monkey into the reception and had a great time with my family. The only bad thing? really? The smell. Brawley, CA smells like agriculture which, for the uninitiated, that night, smelled like chicken shit. Then we almost caught fire on some live electrical wires in the parking lot. But, the night was over by then and no one was hurt. While gone, I decided three things.

When the town smells like chicken shit, no one will notice if you fart.
I'm considering tattooing "pull" on my right index finger.
I'm considering "smell" for my left.

I'm kidding about the tattoos, but my cousin says it's no wonder I'm not married. My other cousin offernd me a job making 50 thou a year as a leagal secretary and a free apartment. I declined as I really want to make it here. I just arrived, after all. But If I find myself without a job, I'm supposed to call.

Spending time with my mom on Sunday was wonderful, and when the whole available crew came to the airport to send me o
off, I was pleased beyond belief.

I worried about having left my car unlocked at the airport all weekend. And, yeah, I did. I'm a lucky, lucky, girl. Still have a car, still have everything I left in my car.

Yesterday was another stresser. I owrked so long I missed my chiropractor appointment. Thankfully, I was able to reschedule.

And now, I'm going to skip my other news in light of the fact that I need to get ready to go skate. YAY!

HNT

I know it's a little early, but I don't know if I will have time to post tomorrow. I love this picture.

Meanwhile, I have declared myself in need of an attitude adjustment. You see, when I moved here, I told myself that I should not try and compare Reno with San Diego because they are different cities. It isn't fair.

I then proceeded to compare my old job place with my new one. And although the new company isn't always what I think it should be, it's different from the old one. And when I think back, the old one had its issues too. I wouldn't have been unhappy, I wouldn't have left, if it was perfect. So while I'm not always sure that the new place is a good fit, the old one wasn't always either. And honestly? I think I will only be super duper happy working for myself. And that's ok. I just need to get there.

Good Advice, my friend

T used to tell me that one of the first rules of fighting is that you should never fight with a nakid man. I don't remember any of the other rules, but that one certainly stuck.

Now, I'm not much of a fighter, and I never really understood why he would tell me such a thing.

Tonight, I watched "Eastern Promise" with Poo and Boy Roomie.

Now that I have seen a man fighting nakid, I hope I don't have to see it again. What ever happened to the good old days when they pixellated that stuff?

For Viggo's sake, I hope it was cold in there.

Of Grandmas and Men

Listening to Cowboy talk to me about the hurts he is feeling right now, two of them, actually, his ailing grandmother being one, I am reminded that it has been six years, I think, since Ma died.

The day is fresh in my mind. I will never forget her final moments. I'll never forget having to call my dad and tell him she passed. I'll never forget kneeling at the feet of her roomate who had been praying for her all day to tell her she was gone.

I'll never forget my ex that night in bed asking why I was crying. Seven months later, it was over.

There's nothing that can be said to relieve the pain he is feeling. I pray that she makes it through this time. Because while you are never really ready to let someone go, it's nice to have a little bit of time to prepare. And he has gone through so much in the last year that I think he needs the comfort of knowing his grandmother is there.

I'm glad he went to visit her a couple of months ago. He hadn't seeen her in a few years.

He says he thinks shes ready though. Grandpa went in 1970 and she never remarried. I remember wheen my Great Grandfather died. It wasn't long before that, he had a dream that my Great Grandmother came to visit. He was ready. Not long before Ma died, her mother came to her and told her to quit bein silly. Or stubborn. Either would have fit. I wanted to ask Cowboy if she had any visits yet. He tends to think I am too close to the spirit world as it is. People can only hear so many ghost stories before they start thinking you're nuts.

But he was telling me of his other sorrow. Another one that I understand. That hurt I don't like to talk about. The one that still brings tears even though there has been no contact since August. I try not to, but I think of him still. Not because I still think there is hope, but because I care. And I worry about his happiness even though it isn't my business anymore.

I worry that I am rushing headlong into another heartbreak. It's a gamble. Just when I decide I don't have anything more to bet, I get a little jackpot. Enough to keep me going until I decide I have nothing left again. I wonder if the prize is worth it. I wonder if i will still want it if I get it.

If I get it.

I've never been very good at gambling. Except maybe with my emotions.

In other news, Clint is here again today. I was really pretty bitter about it until he helped Poo put the chains on my car. It's really hard to dislike someone who is rolling around in the snow for your safety. Sigh.

I almost forgot.

current savings. $19.02 and 10 little balls of felt. pparently I'm not a very good saver.

Music

Ok, so, it's not really my style, but I have to help out an old friend who is practically a brother. I mean, our parents are really good friends and his brother MARRIED my best friend and now she's pregnant so really, guys, it's all about the children.

So anyway, I guess Jon, who plays bass for this band and can be seen periodically through out the video playing or talking on a cell phone, or up close at minute 3:02 (Jon? Where did your hair go? Did you lose it at the grocery store like Great Grandpa? He was a red head too, you know) is in some kind of best/worst contest for the greater Seattle area so I thought I would post his video for all 6 of you who read this so that maybe you'll watch it and his band, The Goondocks will be launched to international noteriety and Jon will not have to launch his porn career after all (I'm pretty sure I'm kidding about that) and I will be able to say that I count among my friends, a comedian, an artist, and a rock star.The only differnce being that I dated the comedian and the artist but Jon? Um well. We weren't each other's type. Ok, he tried to suck on my toes once but I kicked him in the mouth because, EEW GROSS! Get my foot OUT of your mouth! Jeez! (I felt bad for kciking him in the mouth but he snuck up on me) So here's the You Tube video...



and the link if you want to vote...http://www.seattlechannel.org/TheLocalMusicShow/bestNWMusicVideos.asp

I'm going to vote right now. And then maybe Jon will fly south to visit more often because you know, Reno, it's a rockin venue.