I really do have a great deal to be grateful for, but I sometimes get frustrated with life and some of the people around me, and then I just have to let it out.
Some things, I keep to myself. They are stories that will be told in the future because I don't think now is the time. Things are too fresh, too confused, and I don't know the whole story. If there is communication breakdowns in person, how much worse can they become by blogging about them? I am being vague again. I wish I wasn't. I would love the feedback that you guys can give. But my heart, while crying out to vent tells me that I am better off with silence for now.
The stress of having two jobs and no time for the things that I love (like spending time in the apartment that put me in this financial situation) is starting to wear on me both physically and emotionally. Emotionally because I am frustrated with myself for getting me into this predicament in the first place, and for the fact that I have started missing my mom right about mid shift each night at Harbucks. I'm spending time there that I could be spending with her. It's easy to take our parents for granted.
I came to the realization the other day that I work because I have nothing else. And that is a sad and lonely place to be. I tell myself that I am preparing myself for the next phase of my life, whatever that might mean, and preparing to move into that phase with as little debt as possible. But what if there is no next phase, and this is all I continue to have? Work does not equal a satisfying life.
Physically, all this stuff is starting to show. The untalkable point, the stress of the jobs and finances. Thankfully, I am still sleeping, but the tension in my shoulders is radiating down my arms and into my hands. Never a good thing. My ankle is still bothering me and although I laugh it off when I talk to people about it, and put on a happy face, I worry that I may have damaged myself really badly forever and I'm frustrated because I still cannot exercise and I was REALLY liking the way I was feeling about myself, and about my body when I was skating. Over the last couple of days my back pain started returning. I guess that means it is a good thing that I didn't decide to take my roller skate fund and buy a new massage table and start seeing a few clients again.
My cup runnith over, and still I fill it further.
Things, are falling apart. My camera is broken, the bird is lonely, my house in shambles, I'm all out of "good" underwear and having to wear granny panties. Not that anyone sees them but me, so I guess it doesn't really matter. My vacuum is still broken. I hate not having a good vacuum. Maybe I will break down and buy a cheap one tonight before I go to work.
I'm tired of treading water. I brought these things up to Biker Bob who asked what I can possibly be stressed about. I think my stress is just as valid as his. But I didn't say that. I just closed my mouth and moved along.
Things heal with time, right? I can get through this.