Because blogging is theraputic, damnit

So is chopping down trees.

I think. I can't say for certain because I have never actually chopped down a tree. I tried to take one down once with my pocket knife. It was harder than it looked. I was determined. I can't remember if I actually accomplished my task or if someone gave me a larger hand saw. They didn't let us play with chainsaws that day.

Actually, I am afraid that if I use a chainsaw, that I will cut off my leg. Or the chain will come flying off and tear off my face. I am not, however, particularly afraid of axes.

Which is why when I finally get around to removing the tree from my front yard, I will use my trusty Polaski. At one point, someone said they would remove the tree with a chainsaw, but it didn't happen. So I will remove it myself. With an axe. Eventually. It's not going to get any deader. And I'm pretty sure it's been dead for almost a year.

There are several things that I think will happen when I try to chop down my tree:

• I think that the axe will get stuck in the trunk and I will have to go find a stronger person (ahem. a man) to remove the axe. (Men are kind of in short supply right now) Then he will make fun of me for being a girl and either finish chopping down the tree, or point and laugh while I try again, or go get a chainsaw.
• I will chop into the tree only to discover that the root system has already rotted away and it will fall over. With my axe still stuck in it. Then I will stand there with my hands on my hips and stare.
• I will chop down the tree and feel all woman powered and tough and shit.
• I'll miss the trunk and chop my fool foot off.
• Bullits

Once the tree is down, I don't really know what I will do with it. But I have a feeling it will have more to do with the axe and maybe a lopper.

Then someone can use it for kindling. It's not a very big tree.

Little Bliss List

I worried that I would not be able to dig up enough bliss this week to form a list. But it seems to me that when you are hurting the most, that is when you should find those blissful moments. That's when it is most important to count your blessings.

Without sounding too maudlin, and I am trying really hard to move out of the "woe is me" phase, I'm still walking a fine line between tears and "okay". When I care, I care deeply, whether I am showing it or not. I hope that never changes about me.

I started my list early. So that I wouldn't miss or forget anything. It's so easy to lose the sunshine when life is a little cloudy.

1. I got to snuggle the most adorable pit bull puppy. She's 7 weeks old and still made of velvet and milk teeth
2. my own pup has been at my side, where I need him, and I am thankful for him
3. time with friends has been awesome this week. They have taken turns distracting me and cheering me up.
4. I signed up for the Color Me Rad run in Reno in September. I know its a couple of months away, but I am really looking forward to a fun little 5k full of color. I don't see how it won't be joyful.
5. I hit over 10,000 steps on my fancy pedometer two days in a row!!

Amusing ourselves.

I know that you have noticed that I tend to have a lot of typos. And it tends to create all sorts of giggling in the cube. (which just got me snapped at by the guy accross the way, but what he doesn't know is that I need to be giggling right now. weepy, snotty monsters are no fun to work with. I'm okay with him not knowing that. Home drama does not belong at work.)

That is not the point. The point is, that I tend to misspell the word "Depository" mostly because it is not pronounced that way in common conversation. Instead, I spell it "Depositry" which is probably why Hooked on Phonics went out of business.

I forget to use Spell Check. Always. Except when I send an email since outlook is awesome and I set it up to be automatic.

That is also not the point.

The point is, that I explained to Bratty that it IS a Depositry when you are depositing your money or precious things into the knothole of the tree in your yard.

Which I have never done. Because the only tree with a knothole in my yard when I was a kid had bees in it. (The tree in my yard now is too little to have knotholes. It's not going to get any bigger because it is dead.someday I will chop it down. With an axe. More on that later) That may be a bit of an exaggeration, we had a lot of trees. but I only remember one having a hole in it.

The knothole story brought up the fact that I will not willingly stick my hand or fingers into holes I can't see into. I'm afraid there will be bugs in there. or dead things. Or leaves. Or really anything that might go TSSS or crunch when I touch it.

This is why I will not go rock climbing. I have reoccurring thoughts of what it would be like to reach into a crack, halfway up a mountain, find something scary, let go and fall off.

No thank you.

This conversation reminded me of the fact that I can't see under my desk and that there might be scary things lurking under there. It took awhile before I stopped being afraid of the underneath of my desk, although now that I mention it, it's creepy under there.

Short, (bitter)sweet, and hopefully without drama

In short, I've gone out and had my heart broken again. As always, I had hoped that the last time would be the last time and that THIS time I would get it right.

I was wrong.

It's possible that the door was left cracked open. Time will tell about that. There was no drama, no burned bridges. There is no hate or anger.

That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.

As I told my mother, this isn't the first time I've been through this (as always, I hope it's the last). I know that I will hurt physically for a little while. (Funny how a broken heart actually feels like your heart is breaking. The nausea is new). I know that I will have to force myself to eat for a couple of weeks. I know the weepies will sneak up on me and that I will have to fight them away while I maintain the facade that I am happy and joyful and that the world is my oyster.

I don't actually like oysters. Well, the critter itself is just fine and I really like the way that they take something irritating and hurtful and turn it into something beautiful. But they taste terrible. And they are filter feeders. Gross. And well, we've already discovered that I don't make pearls, I make... eew, I'm not talking about that.

And that is the state of things right now.

Hooray!

They told me how to fix it.

Lost without you

I really dislike our society's current misuse of the terms "obsessed" and "addicted" because I tend to feel like these terms describe something far more serious than you really like tuna sammiches and that's all you want to eat right now or gee, I sure do like roses and like to have them on my dining room table. (I do like roses but I no longer have a dining room table)

No, in my world an obsession is something you can't stop thinking about. It's something dark and clinical and can be dangerous. It can go hand in hand with an addiction which to me means your body has become so accustomed to a substance be it made by your body (Adrenalin and endorphins) or something you ingest like cocaine or caffeine. Sugar.

I also am very very careful with the term "Love". I love my mom. And my siblings. and their children. There are a few men from my past that I will admit (in my head) to having loved. I know I loved them because part of me still does and always will even though I know now that we are better off not together. I love my critters. The very sight of them brings me an unbelievable amount of joy from the very depths of my soul.

I try not to love things.

But I can't help it. I love my Striiv. It's all I talk about. I check it all day. It's not the same kind of love I feel for the living things in my life, but when I dropped it yesterday and it wouldn't turn back on, I didn't know what to do with myself.

When I woke up this morning, I thought, OH BOY! Another day of reaching goals! And then I remembered.

I feel nakid without it by my side.

I don't want to get up off my lazy butt to go get things off the printer because, why? Walking just isn't fun anymore.

I want my centaurs to wave at me. I want to get more fairies and tigers and what else will come up that I don't know about? It's fun. It's exciting.

I'm pretty sure that I have completed another marathon since I last logged in. Earned more water for needy children. Maybe even a polio vaccine. How far up Mt Everest have I climbed?

I may never know! And now that I know that I CAN know, I WANT to know!

I contacted customer service. They got right back to me! They even gave me a link to a squishy cover for clumsy people like me. He told me how to fix it (we hope!) but I left it at home today. I'm still trying to decide if I should take my lunch break to go get it. Silly? Yes. But I have never said that I am not. If it is really really broken for ever, he gave me a coupon code for a discount on a new one. I hope I don't have to use it, but it's totally worth every penny. The customer service has been great. I want to send them cupcakes. Or cookies.

I'm totally not getting paid for any of this gushing. And since the Striiv is all I seem to be able to talk about lately, I'm sure that I will be letting you know how it all pans out.

Friday Bliss

I'm having a little trouble with it today because I have a VERY long weekend ahead of me which may include very little handsome man and a whole lot of being outside in the hot sun chasing rollergirls. Add that to the fact that I have business issues that I need to take care of face to face that came to light at about 8:00 this morning when I was still nakid and supposed to be at work and you can imagine that digging out the bliss might take a minute.

It's there. I know it. Because I am blessed, damnit. And it's been a couple of weeks since I have participated in Liv's list so I should really be overflowing with blissful things.

The funny thing about stress though, is that it becomes your every moment of thought. So the blissfull things that you would usually roll around in and toss joyfully into the air like sparkle confetti get forgotten in the focus of that one stressful moment.

Enough of that.

1. Poo came into town for a visit. In addition to getting to hang out with him, he cooked me a steak the size of my head and  I ate the whole thing. The whole thing. It was delicious. The bone and fat? went to the dog, who doesn't generally get that sort of thing. I think he might be hooked.
2. I love my new pedometer! Yesterday, when I synced it, I discovered that in the last couple of weeks I have completed a full marahon and part of another. It's great to be able to see the progress I have been making.
3. So, I'm at the handsome man's house on Sunday and I happen to glance up and see the most brilliant blue sky. So, I stared at it for awhile, and before I knew it, he was exclaiming that we have access to the bluest sky that there ever was. And we just sat there for a bit staring at the sky together.
4. My neighbor had a BBQ. It was tough to go because she and I have never actually met, but she's a smart one and invited the neighborhood, knowing that it might get noisy. Befor eI knew it, there was talk of fire spinners and kareoke. By the time I left, I was glad I went.
5. Poo and I cleaned up the yard a bit and he fired up the grill and we sat on the back patio and I just simply enjoyed the heck out of my home. And it was goood.
6. Goodbad chinese food and a free movie in the wife and sister! It is always fun hanging out with them, and well, you just can't get better than free for a movie.

I've missed my dear Poo. It's been a couple of years since I saw him and it wasn't until I picked him up from the airport that I realized just how big of a hole in my life he is supposed to fill. It was aewsome to have him and I am really happy that his new job will bring him to my area more often. I had to keep reminding myself that he would be back soon. He and the dog got along famously as I knew they would.

The rollercoaster (again)

If you have been keeping up with my ramblings for more than a day or two you know that I tend to think that I struggle with my weight. The reason I think I do is because some days I am content with where I am size wise and other days I feel like jabba the hutt.

Heaven forbid I should happen across a side view. (did you know that my boobs are fricken ginormous? I mean, they look pretty normal when I am getting ready for my shower but then I see a picture and I'm like WHOA! I can't believe I can do crunches with those things!!)

Anyhow, I am back on the "I'm gonna lose that 20 pounds, damnit" bandwagon. To help me with this, I bought myself a fancy pedometer. It has become my new favorite distraction. It tracks things I never would have thought of. you can see it (and buy it) here (this is not a paid advertisement. I really did spend 100 bux on a little machine that applauds when I do something good)

I love it. I've climbed the statue of liberty in stairs already. and I burn about a soda and a cupcake every day. So of course I have to replace those things... I'm kidding. But I have crossed the golden gate bridge 7 times in the last 2 weeks and I didn't even have to leave Reno!

The dog likes it because I run all over the house trying to complete challanges. My coworkers thing I'm nuts(er) because I get caught climging up and down the stairs.

That's all. We'll see if I can shed that poundage.

This story was a lot more exciting when I was going to include pictures, but my "skinny" picture looked like a blonde ape with really big knockers and well, after that I thought maybe I should get back to work.

It's that time of year

It just hit me that it's summer. I love summer. Late nights on the porch, looking at the sky with warm breezes all around.

Summer always feels like it is going to last forever but by the time it ends, I'm ready to start in with wintery things.

One thing I love about the summer is the state fair. I like to ride the Zipper (and hope I don't die in that poorly maintained deathtrap!!). I like to smell cotton candy and hot dogs and maybe try and win a stuffie. More than that, I like to look at the things that people make. The quilts and the photography. All the artsy crafty things. I like to visit with the spinners and weavers and talk about how if I just gave up a little skating I might have time to hang out with them more.

I love the animals. All the sheep and the goats and the chickens. I like to visit with the cows and talk to the horses. I like to listen to the pigs and smell the hay.

I like to look at all the stuff for sale that I don't need.

Nevada doesn't have a state fair anymore. I can't say it was particularly impressive before, but now that its gone, I kind of miss it. I hope they have something similar again this year.

Communication is key

I try not to complain about my job (here) because this IS a public forum and I would like to keep my job. But the following conversation is happening RIGHT NOW and it illustrates that clear communication is important. And a time saver. Mind you, the information I need is currently less than 5 feet away. But asking her interrupts her work flow. I can look it up, but that is causing me extra work that could have been communicated in less than 50 keystrokes.

coworker: Can one of you pick me up at the airport?
me: are you there right now??
(insert very long pause)
Coworker: No, tomorrow.
me: what time?
(I am still waiting for the answer to this)

She could have saved us a ton of effort and emails had she simply said, "Can one of you pick me up at the airport tomorrow at 8:30?"

I run into this a lot. People assuming you know what they are thinking and in the process send messages in a manner that is truncated. Or that since the information is availbale somewhere, you chould just go look it up.

For example, I might ask, "Do you want chicken or fish for lunch?" and you reply, "Yes."

This sort of thing makes me want to start drinking at work. Unfortunately, I would get fired. See above.

Sigh.

It's been more than 30 minutes. I'm still waiting to find out when I am supposed to pick her up.

Later...

It's been three hours. I just sent another message which said, "I will happily pick you up at the airport tomorrow but I need to know when your plane lands"

I did check her calendar (nothing) and I do know when she is supposed to land, but really? She needs to tell me when to come and get her. Principle.

The next day...
Pickup went great; her phone had died. BUT I made sure we are all set to get her back to the airport and have confirmed date and time for pick up again next week. I'm a planner. It's what I do.

Censoring my inner asshole

I need to remind myself that just because I can be an asshole in my head doesn't mean I need to share it with everyone. I understand that this makes for some entertaining or conversation provoking blogging, but that doesn't mean that is who I want to be.

These things are being written because the last couple of days I AM being an asshole in my head. And I DID share the assholery with Bratty... and those things that were coming out from my mouth? Sounded even worse verbalized. Partially because she belongs to the demographic I was ranting against. But she? Tends to get a pass because I love her.

So since I didn't get the relief I was looking for from her, I came here and started typing it out. Yanno what? the assholery grew. It didn't get better, it grew. I don't feel better for having shared it, I feel like I should feel guilty for feeling the way that I do.

Not a good way to spend the day. In the end, the more I bitch about it, the more I am the bitch. I am reminded that I need to stop expecing a cookie for being part of the village, and for doing my job. Goodness knows, thats a behaviour I don't accept from other people, why should I accept it from myself?