Free tickets to the gun show

Today's polo shirt has shorter sleeves than what is usual for me. The guys are used to me coming in covered in bruises. I was proudly showing some off Monday since we had a bout on Saturday. (Arm bruises. they don't get to see the ones on my butt. Of which I currently have none)

Today, I had the following conversation with the Cookie Thief...

CT: What happened to your arm?

Me (looking at my shoulder where he was pointing): Oh, that's my Two. (permenant marker takes awhile to fade)

CT: No Right there

Me: Oh, I'm always that color

CT: No, right there, did you get punched? your arm is all swollen!

Me (laughing): that's my muscles.

CT: But it looks swollen!

Me: Now you know why I don't lift weights.

I'm still laughing.

Shitty, actually.

In my mind, I am not at work but curled up in some dark corner wondering what will happen next and feeling like an asshole for hurting someone. But what is done is done and all I can do is move forward and see what happens next.

I hate being wrong; and I was, reagrdless of my reasons and excuses; and I hate not knowing what happens next.

Somewhere though, this morning, there was a glimmer of wisdom lighting the recesses of my brain. I went looking for one quote and found two.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Eleanor Roosevelt, 'This Is My Story,' 1937

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
Eleanor Roosevelt

Funny how they were together. And it's not so much that I am feeling inferior, just unabashedly wrong. I can't fix it and I can't heal it and that frustrates me all the more. The person I need to make this right is not available to me right now and my assumptions on what he is thinking and feeling are assumptions. Conjecture being what got me into this mess in the first place. Or, I should say, the public airing of conjecture and frustration being what got me in this mess in the first place.

I have not yet lived through this particular horror. I have no doubt that I will. I also believe that I will be a better person for it. I hope so anyway. I try to learn from my mistakes.

I might be continuing to make this one by continuing to write publically about the fact that a situation occurred, but this is my outlet. My therapy. This is the place I go when I need to get thoughts out of my head. But instead of writing out my frustration about someone else, I am choosing to look at myself.

I must have been due for another long look at who I have become.

A risk I took

I really should know better. But I took the risk ranting and writing out my frustrations and NG, stopped by. 

He's right to be upset. I would be too. And will consider such more throughly when posting in the future.

what happened next

I sent a message Saturday afternoon to make sure NG had not forgotten about the Bout and to see if he was going to make it. This way, if he was not, I wouldn't watch for him. He asked again what time and let me know that he might be a little late.

Then I recieved a message from him informing me that he had a previous engagement that he had forgotten about. That he was sorry, he just isn't good at planning. And please call when I was done.

I replied that it wasn't ok. that it had been important to me that he be there. That I was upset but that I was not going to compete with his family. Thankfully, Wifey had an extra hankie.

Since I am a doormat, I sent him a message letting him know about the after party, what time, and where. He showed. Which made me feel a bit better, though not completely. He's sill on thin ice but knows it.

Tune in for the next installment...

Hi. it's been awhile

Internet at home is spotty at best so I have been avoiding it. Which is great when you consider how much housework and reading and time i have had and how much time I have been spending with my dog.

I have just a couple of things. One may not make sense because I just need to get it out.

Sometimes, I read things on the internet that hurt me. They have nothing to do with me and should make me happy for the persons involved, but instead, they make me cry a little inside. For many many reasons. This is why twitter and blogging can be bad.

Where NG is concerned, things are where they have always been. Except I have expressed a need for them to change. His kids have returned to their home and he still has no time to spend with me. This time because his brother is still in town. The girls say it sounds like he is seeing someone else too and I cannot argue with them. I have begun to wonder myself. Which means it is likely true. I deserve better than that. If he isn't seeing someone else, then I still deserve better than what I am getting. I told him we both needed to make more of an effort; I have been busy too. I started right away. He doesn't seem to be trying yet. But it's only been a couple of days. After 2 months of seeing each other (rarely) I'm thinking I'd rather be completely single than dangling. Waiting. Stressing. I deserve better than that too. Not because I am all-wonderful, but because I am a human being.

I have a bout tomorrow. I mentioned it to him several times and got a non committal response. when a mutual friend mentioned it, he said he didn't see any reason why he wouldn't be able to go.

I'm done if he doesn't show.

Missing? No. Incognito!!

Miss Bratty Duke mentioned today or maybe it was yesterday that I haven't posted in awhile. It isn't because I don't have anything to say.

I posted recently, or at least spilled my guts about all the madness that has been swirling about; threw myself a pity party complete with real tears... When I read the things I wrote, I sounded like an asshole. No amount of editing and spell checking could fix what an asshole I made myself sound which means I was being one. So I packed up my pity party and deleted the post before that crap could get out. 

Know this. Writing all that made me really appreciate all the people that are in my life. Not just the ones I hang out with all the time, but the ones that I DON'T hang out with all the time. Like Miss Bratty Duke. And Randy. And everybody else. It made me realize that I could be a better friend.

Then I had a post all written about Michael Jackson. I may still post that one. Sure, everyone has a post about MJ, but he holds a special place in my life. 

Then, the other day, SHE came to visit. Apparently she works for Sam's Club, and good for her. I always thought that if I ever saw her again that I would punch her in the face. However, when I saw her I only thought she looked a bit familiar until I saw her business card. I am thankful that I didn't have one of mine, in hindsight even though I know she needs it to show where she has been. I realized that better than punching her in the face was not recognizing her. Apparently she wasn't that important to me after all. She makes for good stories though. I passed her card along as I said I would. That doesn't mean I don't hope she never comes back to my building. I don't wish her ill, but I see no reason to pretend to like her.

And that's what it's all about.