Do you ever have those days where little things go wrong or bug you to great degrees? I’m having one today.
Puppybutt did as I asked and tried to get me out of bed early this morning so I could play with him. I opened the bedroom door and let him out and snoozed a little longer. So he got into my purse. I’m as surprised as you that he did what he was told, he’s been sleeping until I get up. I’m sure it was coincidence.
I forgot my lunch (thankfully there is leftover KFC in the fridge. Not nearly as good as the Havana chicken I WAS going to eat for lunch, but, food. And, free.)
I was on time today!! YAY! (need to insert the positive)
Popped in and caught up on CNR’s blog this morning. Suddenly, I feel weird about reading it. This is a person I want to get to know better. I think I am going about it the wrong way. I can’t get to know him through his blog! Sure, I have gotten some insight into his person that way, but isn’t it better for me to learn direct?
Plus, for some reason, reading it today brought back memories of the time oh so long ago when I looked up E’s blog. And read his very graphic sexcapades. I remembered how it made me sick. And how I read about his many phone calls trying to cheer up another woman when he didn’t have time to call me on the days when he said he would. It hurt me and made me angry. It pressed my insecurity buttons. It did make it easier to end things though. I never looked at his blog again, fearing to read more graphic depictions. Fearing to see myself in his stories, even non graphic ones. Less about the fear though, and more about the health of my mind.
I’m not going to pretend that I will be able to resist the temptation to read CNR’s blog again, he knows I do, just as I know he reads mine. Instead, I am going to tell myself that I should get to know him in the usual way. By talking to him.
(PS. I know that CNR is not E. Their personalities are completely different and I cannot imagine him ever sharing the type of personal information that E dispensed with astonishing detail and sordid gusto)
My team captain sent me a message this morning asking if I would be able to attend the extra team practice at the skate park this evening. I replied that I didn’t know. That I had been out every night this week. That I needed me time and that my puppy needed me time too. She responded telling me what we would be working on and that it would be really good if I were there, even just for an hour.
I had a mini meltdown. (ok. The meltdown was entirely in my head) I’ve felt cranky about the team thing ever since I got placed on one. I am certain that I have a bad attitude about it even though I do my best to put on my smiley face and skate the best that I can.
Derby takes a lot out of me. Physically, mentally, and time. 4 hours a week of skating. Board meetings, planning meetings, research on merchandise and trips to the silk screener. Add team meetings, occasional trips to the fabric store for uniform ideas, extra practices…I’m tired. I need time off. These last couple of weeks have been hell between the bout (the week before a bout is always hectic. Even the night before, which I swore I would do nothing Derby was spent making signs for the teams with wifey.) and my family coming into town.
I sent her a message when the feeling of stress came over me letting her know that I wouldn’t be able to make it. I explained that I haven’t sat upon my couch in a week. I haven’t turned on the TV in longer than that. I mentioned being on the brink of meltdown. Her response? “Hahaha. Ok”
Which really wasn’t ok with me. I can’t figure out what could possibly be funny about someone else’s stress level being that high. Yes, I am aware that I bring a lot of activity into my life. There are definitely people out there who have more responsibilities than I do. Work, kids, school. Not all of them have another parent around to help them.
But then I think about my wonderful little puppy, acting out lately from a lack of snuggle time (last evening he wouldn’t eat until I cuddled him a bit) and my business, slowly dying from neglect. I have two friends that married each other this week and I wasn’t there. I missed two evenings with my mom to be at practice. One more hour. (not counting getting dressed and driving) One more hour was just too much. That’s why I don’t attend to the gym on Thursdays. One more night is just too much. It’s not her fault for wanting me to be there. And I’m sure the laughter was not intended to be cruel. It just added to the general frustration of the day.
I ran out of clean jeans today. I live in my jeans. I wear them constantly. Or, at least enough that I started buying dresses with the hope that I would put one on eventually. Since I was out of jeans, I pulled a pair of pants I haven’t worn since I left the last place I worked. I forgot that I am down a size since then. My shirt also decided today that it is worn out. I am feeling shabby. I hate to feel shabby. I imagine that most people would tell me I look fine and to get over it. But I don’t feel fine.
I think I need a nap.