I have been strangely quiet

Not in general, just here, about the fires that so recently raged (are raging) though my homeland.

Thing is, I had mixed emotions about it. On one hand, I was scared. Scared for my family, scared for my friends, scared for the strangers I may never know. My old workplace was shut down again and finally reopened this weekend. Once again, the fire knocked on my mother's, my cousin's, and the doors of my friends. (C's family was evacuated. They are back safe in their homes.) I started watching the news and making phone calls. I was in almost constant contact with my mom. Now that almost everyone is back in thier homes if they have one, the damage is as follows (so far as I know) My Aunt Dorothy lost her home and the bus she raised her children in. (I'm not really sure how to explain that one except that I come from an interesting family and that bus was pretty nice inside!) She and her kids are fine and they are taking care of her. Bossman lost his trailer-apartment. This one breaks my heart because Bossman lost his job and his home all in one year. Right now he has no job and has laid carpet in his daughter's garage so that he has a place to live. (Thankfully the fire didn't burn her home too since he was living on her property) I have not figured out how to reach out to him, but my heart is sobbing. I have a few ideas.

I feel a little guilty. Because I moved out just in time and I am thankful I didn't have to go through that again. I'm thankful that the smell of smoke is not trapped in my sinuses. Thankful that I didn't have to find somewhere to go while I wondered if I would have a home or a job. (I voluntarily evacuated last time when I could see the flames from my front porch and my electricity went out) But I haven't forgotten what it was like to wake up at 10 am (we had been partying on the Star of India and stayed over night downtown) and look to the East and realize that my neighborhood was burning. I look at the scorched hills surrouding my new home and know I will experience it again.

I feel guilty because...No. I won't write that. Because I don't really wish it. Not that way.

And I am angry. angry that once again, they showed the damage in the affluent communities, but ignored what was going on in the rest of the county. Other than the mentioning of the fires in Ramona, cameras were trained on Rancho Bernardo. in fact, that was all I could see when I watched CNN. Thank goodness the local channels kept their websites updated.

In happier news, I had a lovely time with Cowboy yesterday. Buzz pointed out that he thought I was done with all that madness. And there were moments over the last several weeks when I was going crazy. But while I am still a little crazy, when I weighed the option of giving up on someone whose company I enjoy, whose conversation I enjoy, I thought maybe I should keep being patient. Take my mom's advice and don't get my heart hurt, but be patient and see what happens. He's been very (sometimes painfully) honest with me. And he doesn't always do what I want him to do. But I am also learning to trust him a little. In some ways he is helping me heal old wounds by behaving the way he does. I'm taking it one day at a time. and if I decide I am done, you'll get a definitive "done". But right now, I'm feeling good about where things are. I try not to rant too much about him or about work. I don't want to say anything that could be hurtful or bite me in the butt later. I care about Cowboy and wouldn't want to see him hurt by one of my occational temper tantrums. But don't worry, I'm watching my 6.

I am a material girl

I think I am allergic to Nevada. No matter how much lotion I slather on (twice a day) I itch. itch, itch, itch. (The Itchy and Scratchy SHOW!!!) Add that to the fact that I am STILL allergic to my pants, and we have a little problem.

See, I thought it was a laundry detergent issue. but I wore those pants yesterday and not only did I get a rash all over the back of my legs, but a few blisters too. the pants in question are 98% cotton, 2% spandex. Which means if it is a matter of the spandex, then I am likely allergic to most of my clothes.

I am considering retiring early to a nudist colony. Somewhere humid.

Meanwhile, today my day centered around Cowboy's roping festivities. It was a nice break from my usual, and I got to sit and knit until my butt fell asleep. I learned a lot about the sport and have decided that while I really enjoy the company of horses, I would probably get tangled up in my rope and fall off my horse. So I will leave the team roping to the cowboy. Oh and the cattle? looked really cute in their little cow hats. (the cow hats keep the steer from getting rope burns on their heads) Sadly, there weren't any monkeys riding sheep dogs (since I don't know how to link to it, clik on the link over there labelled "Dr Musings" and see the Oct 22 entry. shut up, that is NOT too much work) but there were plenty of bad home decorating options. and since Mary Kay was there, I think Bubbly Creations needs to have a booth there too.

You know, when I have a home and am licenced again.

I didn't actually get to spend very much time with Cowboy, but he WAS terribly busy tending to his horse (I've learned not to expect too much attentionon roping days. Actually, I've learned not to expect too much attention). however he wants to see me tomorrow, which would make two days in a row and a minor record.

Bedtime revelations

So, after checking out the houses on the internet last night (because if you think the people in NV are a little off, you should see their houses) I crawled into bed, ready for a good sleep.

I couldn't get warm. I just shivered. Heck, my KNEES were cold. I started thinking about all the warm blankets (and my down comforter) that are currently keeping my dishes and china nice and cozy warm in the garage. I started wishing I had put away my clothes because the pile on my bed is too high to snuggle under without the clothes falling off the bed. I started brainstorming ways in which I could warm up.

Then, the light went on. (not literally)

I bet if I put on some pajamas, I would be warmer.

Suddenly, I was very glad that I did not put my clothes away because I didn't even have to get out of bed to get a pair. Nope, after much feeling around and careful digging, I discovered my FLEECE pajamas all clean and slightly warm from soaking up my body heat.

I was warm and asleep in minutes.

No title.

Just shake your head. sigh.

Oddball

I have been planning for weeks to go out and about with my coworker tomorrow to get a little spooky up in Virginia City and the surrounding areas. I have been quite excited about it, partially because we all know I'm into the spooky shit, and partially because this coworker is one of the few that I feel like I have befriended in an away-from-work kind of way.

She called me tonight. Husband drama. Trip might be cancelled.

Add that to the Cowboy who still doesn't call when he says he will call (about which I am becoming increasingly unaffected) with whom I was supposed to possibly see this weekend, (but I don't expect too because he just doesn't seem to have time to see me, even though he says he wants to, until he tends to everyone else) and I find that I may actually have time to laze around and ponder this situation I find myself in.

I'm sure you will all be thrilled when I declare myself done with the cowboy nonsense. I had forgotten what it is like to be treated as an afterthought. Honestly, after talking to him the other day, and having him tell me about how he's going through a selfish phase (which I really do understand. It's normal, for goodness sake), I realized that even if he's going through a selfish phase, it doesn't give him reign to keep me dangling about and there is no excuse for hurting me, even in the name of honesty.

I often feel like an alien in this town of broken promises. But I'm going to make it, it just might have to be alone.

So here I am. The boys have gone off to the pub, which means I have the night to myself and I? am going to bed on this fine rain drenched Friday night.

You asked for it

So, I was half watching the news yesterday while I was eating lunch and I couldn't help but notice all the hulabaloo about "THE SUPER BUG"

Yes, it is now national news that THE SUPER BUG is killing people left and right. They are catching it at school and in hospitals and in very public places. Apparently, THE SUPER BUG is a danger to us all. Worse, even, than Avian Flu.

Here's the thing. Put away your fucking hand sanitizer and let yourself get a little dirty.

All these anti bacterial marvels are causing the death of good bacteria and the mutation of bad bacteria. Mutants=hard to kill/no natrual protections. And since good bacteria sometimes fight bad bacteria, and we killed a bunch of those, we've pretty much fucked ourselves with our germ phobic society.

Here's a hint. Regular soap and warm water.

That's all. no fancy chemicals, no alchohol based smellies, just soap and warm water and you'll stay just as healthy. and so will your kids and pets. Guess what? we're exposed to nastiness like E Coli every day. We can't help it. People are dirty. However, we have adapted the abiity to fight this stuff natrually. You are breathing in Staph, Strep, and all sorts of gross stuff right now. Your body? made to fight it, so unless you have a depressed immune system, you don't need to try to create a germ free bubble. In fact, you don't want to. Cuz you can't get rid of them all. And when the alchohol in your sanitizer strips away the protective barriers of your skin? You leave yourself succeptible to whatever didn't die. When you touch your kid? you leave a trail of those multiplying bacterias behind. And the nightmare begins.

You are the problem. Put that shit away before you help kill someone else.

Happy HNT!

something's up

When BR and I went to the store, we left Poo giggling.

When we returned, he was on the phone with someone, just hanging up, and saying, "keep me posted". he then retired to his room.

BR Peeked. It appears that the last person he talked to was my mom.

Now, I was supposed to call my mother tonight, and I was going to until I got sidetracked with a sudden trip to the grocery. So I called her now. No answer at home. no answer on cell.

I tried again. Poo has just left to go drinking for a little while. Seester is also not answering.

Something bad is going on. I am worried and scared. I needed to get it out.

It's not working.



Edit Later:

So, I'm a little bit of an alarmist. After calling my Brother in Law because I couldn't get a hold of my sister, I learned that not only was I interrupting his poker game, but that Seester was on a plane on her way to New York to visit his family.

Then I finally reached my mom on her home phone, and she was ok; her cell phone had run out of battery.

So the drama wasn't with her or my grandparents who, are a semi constant source of worry because I know my time with them is limited and they are the only other persons in my family for whom I think Poo would get that upset.

She gave me a light briefing on what was going on but didn't want to tell too much, as it is Poo's story to tell. Poo returned from the bar frozen solid. He didn't realize that it was 40 degrees outside with 10 mile an hour gusts and a high wind advisory. Mind you, the wind is coming from the west (I love the weather website) and there's snow in them there hills. We are, remember, accustomed to the weather in So Cal where sometimes it's 80 degrees on Christmas. I always felt a little silly wearing a scarf even though I was cold.

ANYWAY, once I got him all warmed up, the story came out and it's really not so good bordering on REALLY BAD, but not my story to tell at the moment. But pray, will you? for a boy recently home from Iraq with a baby on the way and his whole life ahead of him. I hope.

My butt is sore.

Yesterday I hopped into my little jalopy and headed south for some much needed therapy. Tree Therapy.

after driving FOREVER (a few hours, really) I landed myself at a lovely little cabin in Yosemite National Park where Girl Roomie (who really needs a new name since it's been two years since we were roomates. suggestions?) and I soaked in the hot tub and snoozed in bunk beds.

Then, today we looked about the park and I got to know her BFF Mindy and HER man Todd. (who rented the cabin and were kind enough to let me tag a long for a night. I am blessed) SO I have now been to Yosemite which, I think, wasn't QUITE as super cool as Yellowstone (not nearly as many critters and harder to find things) but still lovely and there will be pictures to come.

After being among the trees and the quiet and the critters (notably the squirrel that was busy hijacking fiberglass insulation to line his little home which would be an excellent idea except that um, fiberglass insulation is bad for squirrels-especially when they are carrying it in their mouths) and the hot tub (of course) I am feelng recharged and (not) ready to face another work week.

But I will face another work week and I will be positive because I AM qualified for my job and somehow I WILL gather the tools to succeed. (lather, rinse, repeat.)

perspective

there's nothing like listening to the stories of a Viet Nam Vet to make the little voice in your head say,

"Makes your problems seem really trivial, now doesn't it?"

yes it does.

And as always, whatever your politics, you gotta bless the fighting folks. They're in hell. And if you've never been through it, you don't know it, but if you get the chance, listen.

ok. one more and then I'll shut up. for today.

So, due to stuff as mentioned below, I may have to finally join this century and break down and buy an Ipod. I don't really care that everyne has them, and I have never really felt as though I need one. Until now.

You see, when they pulled my battery yesterday, it cut the power to my car radio. This made the security system kick in. I need a code to unlock he stereo. Thankfully, my fleetwood mac cd popped out, but anyway, I have no tunes in my car. And although I have always been happy to sing in there, I'm a litte out of tune and I prefer to have background music.

No. I don't have to go Ipod. But it would probably sync best with my computer. I'm thinking about the Shuffle. Can't imagine needing more than that.

I been trippin. n stuff

My trip to San Diego went wonderfully and I have to say that it was one of the best weekends I have had in a long time. Seeing Kristen and Jed was like tonic to my soul and spending time with my other friends (and my mom) was better than an ice cold root beer on a hot day. I'm not sure what the highlight of my weekend was. Maybe it as Kristen's belly, just starting to show the baby in there. Maybe it was Jed's giggle. It could have been sitting with my mom, or huddling under a blanket with Chuck. I thought I would never get up after I tried jumping off a swing and I landed on my ass. on.my.ass. heh. I crawled into Girl Roomie's bed to watch Cars and we ate mint chip ice cream and twinkies. (we both fell asleep without brushing our teeth. I woke up and I swear a skunk had a party in my mouth) We also declared that if you tape a twinkie to the TV at the gym, maybe we might be willing to run on the treadmill.

It was fun, it was wacky, it was just what I needed to remind me what I love about living and what life is all about.

Then I flew home. And we were early! And I thought, Hey! I'll call the Cowboy since it's still early. And tra la la, I didn't know I was in for an adventure.

But my car wouldn't start. Battery was dead. And since I was in the parking garage, the nice lady who decided to help me (people around here don't trust each other enough to lend a hand. She almost drove off) couldn't get close enough for my jumper cables to work. Two hours later, after a lot of reading and chit chatting with my mom, the guy arrived to jump start my car. I didn't call the Cowboy until I was at Sears yesterday getting my battery changed. That took 2 hours too. But I had a book to read and one of the guys was hitting on me (you know, because older women need love too, or so he told me. He also told me he was 23 and age didn't matter, but I found out that he's 19 after I told him that to me, it does.) I am flattered that I can get the attention of 19 year olds. Heh.

Cowboy and I talked for a long time. mostly about how broken he is. And I told him that's ok. The longer we talked the more I felt myself slipping into the "friend" spot in his world, and I'm ok with that. (today) Because even if he doesn't want to date me, I still want to be his friend. Time will still tell what will happen.

Happy HNT!

I know I am a little bit early. But I always forget until late and, I had something positive to say.

I know I have not been very good about being all confident and strong and shit lately. And I don't know how long it will last, nor do I know how long I will stick to the following, but it seems to be working a little bit right now, and I can't complain about that.

You see, instead of coming home and waiting for my phone to ring, (sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't) I've been hitting the gym. And although I am not in as good of shape as I think I should be, I am improving. I also think I am finally acclimating. I can climb the stairs at work now and I only get a little bit winded. (as opposed to feeling like I might go ahead and DIE when I reach the top)

So, Monday when I went, I was able to be on the cardio machine for all of mmm, 10 minutes and today? 20 minutes, with only short water breaks.

And this is all good because I don't take my phone to the gym with me. Nope, it's far away where I can only wonder if it is ringing which is a good thing because it means I am obsessing just a little bit less. Or at least I can't check the phone to see if i happened to miss a call which really does happen sometimes. PLUS, since I don't generally call anyone after 8, I don't expect calls after 8, which means that I only have an hour or so to wonder if the phone might ring. AND going to the gym firms up my butt. and my belly. and it's good for my heart. AND since I do a little bit of yoga (a very little bit, but, whatever) it's good for the rest of my systems too.

So something good can come of my idiocy. Now to work on the brain...

Curiously silent

I know I have not answered comments regarding the Cowboy. And the reason is that the truth hurts and I am not behaving the way you think I should. Apparently I just have not learned my lesson and I will continue being an idiot until I'm either completely miserable and heartbroken, or I grow some balls. I'll let you know how the chapter ends. I hereby promise not to post any pictures of my sobbing face because it is-not-pretty. and no one needs to see that. truly, I'd rather show you my nakid butt which, despite the fact I appear to still be allergic to my pants, it is far more attractive than my weepy face.

I cancelled my personals subscription oh, about 30 seconds ago. I thought, when I first considered cancelling, that I was going to give "met someone" as a reason.(I was really excited about that) But since I don't really know which way things are going to go (ok, I have a pretty good idea, but remember, there is an optimist living in my head that simply will not die) I don't consider that a valid reason. I also don't feel like it is as good of a reason as whichever one I gave.

I'm glad this latest go around with the personal ads did not make me crazy and neurotic. I think it was a step in the right direction and certainly a smart move for someone looking to relocate. I feel a bit badly that there are inquiries I did not respond to. I just got tired of telling the 40 and 50 year olds I was not interested, and the younger ones that I have met someone. especially since over the last week(s?) I don't really feel like that is a good answer. But I did make a new friend, possibly two. Two, I think is hoping that it won't work out between Cowboy and I, which is flattering, but sad because I want Cowboy to realize that I am more than a roadie.

Truthfully, I am sinking back into the realms of "i'd rather be alone". it was a comfortable place where I didn't sit on the phone and I didn't hope to go out, and I didn't have a nagging voice arguing with the optimist and telling me what an idiot I am. again.

Limbo sucks. But for some reason I still won't do anything about it. what do you know. idiot.

quick question

it's keeping me awake despite the fact that I didn't sleep last night AND I worked out a little today. (a very little, but whatever)

Does work ever make you want to bang your head against the wall until you are a bloody pulp?

yeah, um, me either. just checking.

(I mean, it's not the JOB, it's the part where my cohort said, everything is ready, I will be there, my crew will be there, we're gonna get this done and then Poo gets phone call.)