Trying to put my behind in the past

Much of what went on during the time I dated Hi5 went unreported here because of the trouble it could cause not only between he and I but also between myself and other people who are dear and close to me. It is not a time period I am particularly proud of.


As the weeks have gone by since Hi5 moved, I've put much of it behind me with the strong exception of knowing that I don't want to become the person that I became ever again. My dear Wifey agrees. I want to keep the lessons.


No relationship, no matter how casual or serious should ever make you feel that unhappy. I will take ownership for allowing it.


I was surprised when Hi5 popped up on my instant messenger last week. I had figured that two weeks was long enough not to hear from someone to assume you aren't going to. I wasn't expecting an apology from him for the way he treated me and while I still take responsibility for allowing it, I appreciated and accepted hearing that knows he made a mistake.


I didn't ask about the rumors that still filter in; it seemed unnessesary although I am a bit curious. It doesn't matter though and if they aren't true, then it REALLY doesn't matter and if they are, knowing would only serve to make me feel badly about myself and the situation. During our chat, I didn't see any reason to bring it up. It could only hurt me.

The end of the conversation left me feeling really good about things. I was able to hear that perhaps my reactions were not unfounded and was able to tell him that I am in a really good emotional place as a result of what happened. Still.

Friday night though, Friday night things got weird again.

I was invited to Wifey's birthday party Friday night and I knew that it might be a little strange. I had not hung out with that group since Hi5 and I stared seeing each other. That was one of the things that I didn't discuss here. There had been an argument and I was basically "kicked off the island". I knew that the invite to the party meant that I was back on. It's a fun group, I missed them and I know it makes it easier on my wife when we all get along.

I arrived determined not to let the past get in the way of my present. I was not expecting another apology. I also forgot to expect to see the woman from the camping trip. When she walked through the door, my tummy did a little flip but I still said hello. I have never considered the drama to be her "fault".

The apology was for the initial set up. I appreciated it although I didn't really think it was needed. She said she didn't know he was such a bad guy. She repeated the rumors, and filled me in on a few things that I HAD asked about and was brushed off. Things that did have a ring of truth. Things that substanciated the rumors. There was so much that should have been communicated...

Camping lady came up during this time and told me that she was worried about there being weirdness between us. I was rescued from a continuation of this conversation by someone who needed to know where the guest room was. I patted her arm later. I don't want to discuss it with her. I want to move on.

To me, it's all water under the bridge. I bear no ill thoughts. Having it all brought up again made me feel dirty though. It's going to take some time for that to go away.

I don't want to talk about it anymore. I want it all to be in the past. I don't want to wonder anymore what the truth is, what was hidden, what sordid thing I was involved in without knowing. I want to keep moving forward, I want to keep feeling healthy mentally and emotionally. Whatever the truth is, I can't let it matter to me now. Hi5 has moved to Texas and I still wish him well. I hope he finds happiness there. I don't intend to see him again. Camping Lady will be a part of my world as long as I continue to be friends with her friends.

I don't want to need to talk about it here anymore either. I promised myself that I wouldn't. I don't want to be the girl that holds on far too long anymore. I think I've done a good job at that. Perhaps if things had been happier between us I might have been inclined to hold onto the idea of having him in my life again, but they weren't. And I don't want to still be talking about this in two years. Or two months. Or tomorrow.

I am hoping though, that statistically I am due for a drama free relationship. I know they are never completely drama free, but I'm tired of lies. I have dealt with a lot of them this year. Lies, rumors, drug use. I pray that the men of the greater Reno area have something better to offer.

Until then, I am still happy on my own. It's nice not to wonder when Mr Wonderful is going to wander across my doorstep because I just don't care if he does. I'm not feeling lonely, I'm not feeling needy, I'm feeling GOOD about myself and my life. Still

I get to attend my house inspection today.

Currently

Currently, things are crazy.

I got approval from the bank on my house. Have my deposit check in hand, and have ordered the appraisal. I am starting to pack. Packing is daunting.

I have decided to sell my loom and extra wheel since I don't use the wheel and the loom is a bit beyond my abilities as a weaver right now. I would also like something smaller and more portable for storage and travel.

We had a bout on Sat. I skated well and was pleased to have family and friends there to cheer me on.

I should be packing more than I am but it's also nice to relax a bit.

I now (as of this afternoon) have a closing date.

I have the best damn dog ever

There are other things too on a more personal level but that, on another day. Or maybe later if I get some internet access after work

Confessions

I saw a movie last night that really hit home.

While I am not nearly as exaggerated as the main character and I am very much more open about my issues, in many ways, she could easily have been me.

Hello. My name is Ginamonster, and I am a Shopaholic. 

Anyone that knows me knows that I have places I call hot spots. I try to avoid them. Hot spots are places I can't seem to resist spending money. Not on designer clothes, on stuff. Wal Mart. PetSmart. Joanne's Fabric. Lowes. Places I can't seem to go without spending money. Money I don't have. It isn't that the items call me in from the store windows or that I would risk a job interview or a friendship to shop; but maybe I would if I hadn't realized many years ago that I have a problem.

I think Wal Mart was my first Hot Spot. It was a wonderland of cheap stuff I didn't think I could live without. I would go there, tell myself I could have anything I wanted, and I would. For some reason, money wasn't really an issue, it was space. The space filled up fast. When  I moved from my apartment I found stuff that was still in the bag. Still had tags. Stuff that I had repurchased because I had forgotten I already had it. Stuff, I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I needed in the first place.

I've gotten better. I made up rules. If I can't answer the two questions, I cannot buy whatever item I am craving.

What am I going to use it for?

Where am I going to put it?

I'm also not "allowed" to buy anything I can't carry. I will often pick up a small basket and fill that instead of getting a large one. I will find a way to fill it. It's FUN to fill up the basket. It is NOT fun to carry around a heavy load of whatever. There are exceptions to this. Sometimes, I need more room. Like when I am grocery shopping or I have big things to buy. Which brings me to the OTHER rule.

I can't buy it if I don't know how I am going to get it home. My car is a shopping machine. It can hold a LOT of stuff. But nothing over 6 ft. or Wider than about 4 ft. Which pretty much covers anything that I might want to buy that I can't carry but I still stick to the rule. It's safer that way.

It's hard, when I am in the craft store or at the home supply store. I can ALWAYS think of something to do with that stuff. I need a new plant. I need a new lawn thingy. I need... No I don't. I mean, sometimes I do, but mostly I don't. Heck, I could probably open my own craft store.

Walk away.

Most of the time I can. And I do. As long as I stay away from those places. And control the urge.

I understand that like any addiction, I will always have it. I may be able to decline a drink or say "No" to drugs, but a sale is tough. 

And getting rid of all that crap is tougher. I'm looking forward to packing my belongings because I will have the opportunity to go through everything again. I'm planning a garage sale. And maybe even a craft stash-buster sale. 

I don't really want to take it all with me. Again.

Oy! Still the same. Yet, different!

Things are relatively the same. there's a new plan C so I won't have to strip and a possible plan D so I won't have to go walk 4th st. the bank is asking for my info but I am dragging my feet a little because I don't have everything worked out.

Yet.

It's not like they seem to be in a hurry unless they are asking ME for something.

I am still confident. I am still feeling mellow about the process. Mostly. I told my seester that someone must have drugged my Sprite. I'm usually a mess about these things. Whatever drugs they are using, I wish they would make my back stop hurting.

One step at a time.

Selling my soul?

I have a feeling that the work to get this house will consume a great deal of my energy and ranting until it is final and I move in.

Right now I am considering how I am going to come up with the down payment. The frustrating part is that I have enough credit to cover it without coming near my credit limit, but the bank will not allow me to borrow money to borrow money. I am also aware of the first time buyers credit that would pay off that credit card with plenty left over. Once I am in the house. We are also starting PFP, which means quarterly bonuses for me if our warehouse does well.

what I am saying is that I'll look great financially in about 6 months. grr.

The Cookie Thief offered me a no interest loan for the amount I need. the temptation is there to take him up on his offer. There are a few hiccups in this deal.

First, I don't like to borrow from individuals especially family and friends. I worry that it would cause strain on the relationship. Coworkers is even worse. I fear the shadow it could cast over our heads.

Secondly, The Cookie Thief drives me nuts about 25% of the time. If I were indebted to him, I wouldn't feel free to be cranky at him when he is driving me nuts. Which is really where the whole "selling my soul" thing comes in. I would feel like I had to be nice all the time because of the great kindness he is offering me. I know I should be nice all the time anyway, but sometimes, I just can't because sometimes he's just out to be annoying.

If this is the solution that the universe is offering, I would be a fool to refuse it. Quandries. You know I hate 'em.

An unexpected metaphore

"Grace! Who are you racing?", asked Mandrew as I skated by.

"Myself", I replied. Then I flipped him off. I'm sure he had made some sort of snarkey comment making him deserve the gesture. It's all in good fun though. Mandrew is a friend.

The relay race was over. The other team pulled it in quicker and I am slowed by back pain. I knew as I sprinted that I'd be doing push ups for losing, and I knew I was the only one left since Doll Steak was back with her relay team before I even started.

But for me, the race was still on. It wasn't time to quit. I was the only one on the floor, but you know what? As long as I was still out there, it wasn't over. And there was no reason not to give it what I had (which honestly wasn't much). I could have coasted through, I could have quit as soon as I saw Doll Steak pass me going the other direction. It wouldn't have done me any good to quit without finishing. it would have negated all the hard work of the ladies that skated in front of me.

The point is, that life is really only a race against yourself. As a unique individual, there's NO WAY you can be exactly like someone else. You can learn lessons from them, you can emulate them in the search for similar success, but truly, when it comes down to it, you are alone and responsible for your own success. If you quit before you finish, you are only cheating yourself and anyone who might be looking to you for inspiration. You never know who is watching you

I came in last. I did my push ups. I stood up knowing that I should remember this lesson. I have some interesting times coming up. My offer was accepted and I still haven't quite figured out where the money for down payment will come from. I know I will find it though. The race wasn't over when I looked at my empty savings account. I have money stashed here and there; somehow, it will add up, I know it. I'm at a Bubbly Creations crossroads. I'm not sure where I will find the energy and time to make it happen, but I know I will. There was a moment recently when I thought the race was over, but I am confident that it isn't. I just wasn't giving it my all. Actually, I wasn't giving it anything.

I know Mandrew was teasing me when he asked who I was racing against. And I'm pretty damn sure he didn't expect that it would turn into a motivational speech on the importance of finishing the race. About pushing even when you are the only one running. Whatever. I'll take my inspiration wherever I can get it. Without that comment, I would have just come in last in the relay race.