Monday, April 27, 2009

I don't get it

The topic of conversation the other night turned to my love life and the frequency in which thing simply don't work out.

My friend Krystal said something that confused me greatly, not because it didn't make sense, but because I don't understand why it does.

"You", she said to me, "Might be too nice."

Which underlined my sister Wendy's comment once at a club when she said that I need to learn how to be a bitch. I spent the rest of the evening alternately practicing my emotionless bitch look and giggling at the absurdity of it. It must have worked because I managed to lure a fella about my age away from my little sister (she thanked me for it) on the dance floor where I proceeded to boogie and he played the air flute. Sure enough, once his fingers were tired, he politely invited me to the bathroom. I replied that I just went but that it was right over there.

I um; never saw him again. It wasn't until later that I realized what he was up to.  

I digress.

Apparently, I am too nice. If I want to keep a man interested, I need to be mean to him. 

It looks like I'm gonna live a pretty lonely life. I consider it a perk for any man I date to enjoy my goodies. I certainly can't eat all those cookies by myself (a portion goes to my wife, of course).  I enjoy being helpful. And I'm not going to sit at home alone so that I don't appear to be too available. If I'm going, he's invited. If I'm staying, well, he's invited to do that too. Cooking? Eat! I like to buy presents. I like to treat to dinner. I once volunteered to help a guy clean so I could spend time with him. Er... That was a mistake, but he was weird anyway. It's better that it didn't work out. 

I think he's the one, actually, that taught me that if I am mean to someone, it means I don't want to be around him. We fought all the time about really stupid stuff. I try not to be overwhelming, and I curb many of my nicey-nice temptations but when I catch myself being less than kind, even in my head, it tells me it's time to move on. If I haven't already been declared a "cool chick" and a "really great friend", I start plotting my exit. 

How am I supposed to reconcile the urge to be nice with the apparent dating requirement of being mean? Suppressing my nature hides who I really am and um, isn't that false advertising? I can hear it now...

"I can't date you anymore. I thought you were a bitch but you're actually nice. I just can't hang. I mean, you're a really cool chick and a great friend, but I'm looking for someone who will treat me like dirt..."

Oh wait. I think that may have already happened. Just not in those words.

So it looks like transient relations for me. At least until I find a nice guy who's had enough of the bitches.

S'allright I got plenty of yardwork to do, books to read, and yarn to spin.


RebTurtle said...

I understand, although I've never seen this happen to women. At least I never noticed. The "Nice guys finish last" phenomenon is widespread and well documented. It has to do with women not really wanting "Mr. Right" as much as they want to transform a "bad boy" into Mr. Right. If you're too nice to women you get the "you're like a brother to me" kiss of death while watching them fall for every jackass that cares more about a labidal quota than what the woman wants. Meanwhile she flails desperately in the throes of "I can change him!" while venting all of her frustrations to caring "like a brother" boys who are screaming inside with frustration. Once the boy shows no signs of change, she moves on to the next "fixer-upper," much to nice guy's consternation.

I was always the "like a brother" guy who had more girl-friends than girlfriends and guy friends put together. I think the only thing that saved me was that by the time Heather met me I had been put through the wringer enough to need a good "fixing."

I don't think being a bitch is going to do anything but entice a new type of guy with lower self-esteem that either likes being abused or sees you as the challenge to "fix." I know you and your heart, and you'll never be able to sustain being anyone other than yourself. That, my dear, is a good thing because you are the most fabulous Ginamonster I know.

Perhaps there's a quiet guy out there that likes you for you but is too shy or intimidated to approach you....

VickeyMichelle said...

Team DoorMat! You know we will never change. Jackie did tho some day we will have to sit down and ask her how she made the transition.