Sunday, April 12, 2009

I dreamed a dream

I don't often chronicle my dreams because well, it can get very boring to read. But this one was very realistic and indicative of the things going on in my life. I will place my comments next to the discussion so you can see why I found it important to mention.

In the dream, I was living with my Aunt and Uncle. The ones that live in Carson. My mother was visiting. (I don't usually see my Aunt and Uncle unless my mother is visiting. I have been having issues with this over the last couple days because they went to go meet my cousins in Santa Cruz for Easter and no one thought to let me know. This happens a lot, actually.) Chango lived there too. Suddenly, more dogs started appearing. They were lost. I felt as though I needed to post "found" ads on craigslist and get them back to their homes but I didn't have time because I had things to do. (I am feeling a little overwhelmed by life. Especially where it correlates to Derby. Between that and life, I feel like I have so much to tend to that nothing is getting done) Then, the kittens I have pledged to foster had been dropped off too. And they pooped on my bed. I only had myself to blame because they weren't box trained and I hadn't given them a box yet. I left the room.

When I returned, I discovered one of the kitties in a tub of cold water. I had been giving her a bath and forgotten about her. (Apparently, I dropped the ball. I am also nervous about fostering another litter after losing Tarzan last year. That still hurts. a lot) I picked her up and snuggled her close in a towel. I had just started to worry about whether she would ever warm up again or whether she would stay cold and die like Tarzan when my phone rang. 

It woke me up. I don't remember who called but she was surprised to find me still in bed. (It was one of the girls. She was checking to see if I had picked up her BF's hoodie last night. I am lost and found. Things tend to remain lost in my keeping for a very long time. I get frustrated because people don't keep track of their shit. Then I lose stuff and am humbled.) Last night was a late one; I didn't go to bed until 2. I woke up feeling extremely achey and tired. I found it difficult to get up but I knew that I needed to feed my critters and those of a friend who is out of town for the weekend. 

I still need to do my business taxes. I have to be at work again tomorrow at 5:30 am. Then I need to scan those pictures. There is something else too, but I don't remember what. Oh yeah. Chiropractor. Practice tomorrow night, board meeting Tuesday. Event meeting and practice on Wednesday. Maybe I will skip practice tomorrow. I don't want to. Practice is keeping me on the downhill slope to a size 6, among other things. As always, something needs to give. As always, I fear it's my sanity. Or my health. There were things I was supposed to do yesterday to prepare for last nights event. I blew them off and went to the dog park instead. Aside from the twinges of guilt for not following through, it felt GOOD to get outside. GOOD to sit and chat, or not chat while the dogs rolled about. NOT GOOD to get peed on. (embarrassing, but kind of funny if you don't think about how gross that is)  GOOD to tend to myself and Chango's needs instead of other people's wants. 

I'm at that point again. I'm not sure what to do. If I had known three years ago when I first showed up at the rink that I would end up wondering if Derby was worth my sanity, I probably never would have guessed that it would go this far. With that league, I don't think it would have.  This one is needy like a spoiled child. I think it always has been. The skaters want all the wonderful things that derby brings but they aren't willing to work for it. There is a very small group of us who does. We all say the same thing. "I'd love to be able to just skate, but I can't not be involved." "It would be so much easier if I could trust people to get it done." There may be people who will. I need them to step forward. Soon.

1 comment:

212degreedesigns said...

Derby = people wanting to just be part of someone else's passionate dream?

You? totally awesome. totally.