Delving into the past

D sent me a text today. Not completely unusual, although I have been hearing from him more in the last week or so than I usually do in a year. No matter, the point is that he was wondering if I had any old pictures. 

Old pictures of him, and surprisingly, pictures of us together. It's been close enough to ten years since the end that I don't really remember how many years it's been. He's never asked for pictures. Of COURSE I told him I would dig, scan, and send.

I started digging in the usual spot. The flowery box where my pictures go to rest. So many photos. Friends, family, pageants, pets. Very few exes. Considering D and I were together for 5 years, I really expected more pictures of him. 

Suddenly, I felt strongly how little of a life we had together. A wedding we attended; he's not in a single picture. I remember now that he chose to wander outside instead of joining the festivities. Camping trips, ski trips, Vegas...nope.

Then I remembered the X Box. It was created for the very reason of cleaning D out of my intimate world. It's grown since then. Not in size but in contents. Tonight, I had to make a difficult journey into it. Difficult because D isn't the only ex in the box. The momentos are varied and sometimes strange. Letters between C and I. E's phone number, written on a gift card Stena gave me one year. Rocks, jewelry, a chunk of wood. The tiny flower on a pin that was on my plate my first date with T. Pictures. Lots of pictures. Mostly of D and of C. I pulled out the best of them (including a shot of me eating my first bowl of pho!) and a couple of other things, newspaper clippings he might like a copy of, his old business card from when we first started dating, his first headshot. Things that if I know D, he will want to see. 

It was a strange trip down memory lane. Upsetting at times (I should shred those letters but I can't) but I don't see harm in it as long as opening the box doesn't become a habit. It's not. I have no wish to go back. My life is different now and I really am enjoying the present. After finding the pictures, I still maintain that D and I lived very different lives and in our years together, we grew apart. I've never questioned that we make better friends. Like anyone in the box, we weren't a good match. Some were better than others, but all ended for a reason. It felt good to pack the box back up and put it back in my closet. 

Tonight, I shall dream sweet dreams of the future.