Sunday, October 24, 2010

Things are looking up again

It was, to put it lightly, a hard week for me.

There was Derby Drama. And that is all I am going to give to that, as per usual.

I worked long hours training as backup to a stressful position. I'm glad I got to try it before I bought it. It certainly made me appreciate my job.

After working a 12 hour day on Wednesday, I came home to an awful smell. Poor Chango had the P&Ps again. I was thankful that I got home in the daylight so that I could clean his kennel outside. I locked him in the bathroom while I cleaned and he got sick again in there too. The smell is lingering...

All the dog and people bathing clogged my tub.

Friday I worked a 13 hour day and came home to another mess. Thankfully, I had forewarning as Cheese had contacted me. He was ready to talk to me and wanted to know if he could have his key back so he could take the dog to the park once in awhile. I don't have a problem with that, it will be nice having help with that. At this point, the tub was totally clogged so I couldn't bathe the dog. And he insisted on going with me to go buy a snake. Which didn't work. Stinky dog in the car, I was super hungry, and feeling rather blue.

Del taco was my hero  that night.

If it wasn't indecent, I would post pictures of how I managed to take a shower; perched on the sides of the tub trying not to get the floor all wet or fall into the lye water below. It reminded me of how we used to play "Lava" when we were kids. Hopping from square to square in the grocery store pretending that we were surrounded by hot lava. Only, in this case, there really was liquid below and it really could burn me.

I finally called the plumber yesterday as nothing seemed to be working. The tub was half full and no amount of Draino or zip thingys or plungering was working.

Cheese decided no contact for awhile was better after all. I totally understand.

I sent a FB friend request to The Cowboy... I'm not entirely sure what I was thinking. I really should let sleeping dogs lie. There wasn't a second adjenda, I do miss his friendship.  We had a lot of laughs.

C on the other hand, accepted my invite, but there isn't anything weird about that, we are still friends and it was nice to find him on FB since that is where I do most of my socializing and keeping up.I haven't been very good about calling or emailing him.

Last night I returned home from game night to a clear tub. I took a shower, even shaved my legs and it drained wonderfully. Cancelled the plumber and slept in.

Pup seems to be fine on his chicken and rice diet. I'm getting some cleaning done. I'm enjoying my house and a rainy day.

Things are defintely getting back to happy normal. I am thankful for all of my blessings today.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Moments like these

It's moments like these, why I cannot see Cheese. When I am remembering all the nicey nice and missing his company.

I went through these mood swings when we were together too. I don't want to call and tell him I miss him only to reject him again next week...

So I sit at home and hurt. I will try and occupy myself with something productive and go to bed early.

Today, that is how I am doing.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Holy Crap we rocked it

We skated well on Saturday and although we lost by 5 points, we ONLY lost by 5 points. I couldn't be prouder of us.

Sensei wants to know how I am doing.

I'm having good moments and difficult moments. Overall, I still feel as though I made the right choice. But I'm not going to lie and tell you that I don't miss him or that I don't half expect to see his car in the driveway as I come around the corner.

But he tried that last week. And I never came home. (well, I did, but not until later than he expected)

It hurt a little so see his facebook status changed to single tonight even though we are no longer together. It put a funny sort of finality on it. I know it is part of his healing process. My time schedule likely would have been about the same.

If it hadn't been the right thing to do I would regret it.

When I think about it too much it hurts. Like right now. Otherwise, I'm doing ok.

I should really hit the hay. Chango is growling and howling at me that it's time for bed. He's a talker, that one.

Saturday, October 16, 2010


6 days and I am feeling better than I was last week! Cheese and I are not communicating at all right now with the exception of working each others frontiervilles and sending gifts thourgh the game, which, I do for all the people I play with so it's not a romantic gesture or anything.

It's not that there are mean feelings, it's that I need separation to help with perspective and I feel he needs seperation to avoid confusion. The last thing I want to do is confuse him or give him false hopes. I also don't want to slip back into old habits. I know how easy it is to do that. I took Wifey's advice and quit receiving twitter updates via my phone (they were breaking my heart), but did not agree that I should stop following him all together. She said it is like when I unfriended B on facebook. But Cheese never lied to me. We are still friends. And when it's safe, I can see and hang out with him again. By safe, I mean that when I know what I want.

I keep telling Cheese that he did the best that he could, that he did nothing wrong, that I know he gave it everything he had. He is full of romantic gestures of the 80's movie variety, the kind that should make a woman melt and go running into his arms. I wish I could say that I did that. I wanted so much to feel for him the way he feels for me. I have dissected myself so often over the last 8 months that its a wonder the scars aren't visible. But despite his kind and generous nature, I grew increasingly distant. That is why I finally understand how the Cowboy felt. I think he really tried to care about me too. But he couldn't grow feelings for me beyond fondness and an appreciation for me as a person. It's nice to finally have that understanding.

I hope I have not broken him in the same way I was broken, but I fear that might not be possible.

I've been doing well otherwise though. Thursday night was super productive as I started, continued, but never finished several projects. Tonight I have a bout, so that should be interesting. I wish I cold just show up and skate tonight but my team is gathering to get ready together and I would be an asshole if I didn't join them. I'm just not really feeling it today, I guess. The way I am feeling right now, I'd skip it all together if I could. But, that is not an option and I will be here, smiling and skating my ass off. I can relax more tomorrow.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Day 2

You would think, that this wasn't my choice by the way I have been carrying on. I hardly ate yesterday, barely slept last night and wandered around my house most of the day at a loss for what to do with myself and crying. In short, I am in mourning.

Today I feel a little better but keep thinking of the things I will miss. Like the good morning text message every morning or notes on my car. Sometimes both.

I don't want to be an asshole or an idiot though. This was what I wanted after all. I struggled with it for months watching as my roller coaster of emotions took him on way too many ups and downs as well. Over the last couple of weeks, we hardly saw each other as he gave me plenty of space and I took all the space I could get. And when we were together, we made very little attempts at intimacy, rarely kissing or snuggling. I can blame the fact that I was sick for a time, or I can recognize that I was probably pulling away.

Either way, I could have treated him better. He was the one who did everything right while I? Ate it up and wanted to know why I didn't feel more.

For once, I am taking the advice and giving it some time. Who knows how I will feel in a week or a month. It's too soon to know what I want and certainly not fair to play with his feelings. I've already done too much of that. Over the last 8 months, I behaved as a person I don't much care for.

And that is what it came down to. I want him to be with someone who can love him in return. Someone steady and kind. Who will spoil him as he spoils her. Who will love his daughter instead of avoiding her. I know I am capable of giving so much more of myself and of my time and I didn't. Perhaps I am going through a selfish time, perhaps it wasn't as good of a match as it could have been. Either way we are both hurting. the only fix for it is time.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

It ended, just as it began. With a kiss.

I'm really going to miss him.

There is no escaping that we are still going to be a part of each other's life, although I did tell him that I would stay away for awhile. He was very nice about it. It hurt us both. I've been telling myself that it's the best thing to do for a long time but in the midst of it, I questioned.

I'm not used to questioning myself.

Meanwhile, my head is pounding, my belly says  it's hungry even though I don't want to eat and I REALLY don't wish to go to practice tonight.

I start training in as a backup in another position tomorrow morning. I don't feel like that either. I don't want to read, I don't want to watch a movie, all I seem to be able to do is wander around the house. It's only been a couple of hours. If that. Time seems to have slowed to a crawl as I sit and exist. Alone. Again.

I know I have to eat. I don't want to cook and I don't want to spend money going out.

I just don't. Anything.

I hope I feel better tomorrow. It won't be all the way better. But a little would help.

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

No title

I would like to be sleeping right now.