Monday, September 29, 2008

Another, Another phone call

yeah. Apparently he needed to tell me everything is ok so I am off the worry hook a little. Except for the medical things. I'm still worried about those.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Another phone call

Janelle called again last night. She apologized for the last call and then proceeded to lay it on me again. This time, she wanted me to know that she has ended her relationship with my father. She said she just can't live in a car anymore. That the stress of being homeless, the frustration of not being able to accept jobs because his ego can't handle it, the constant boredom of sitting in the library all day every day, has finally gotten to her. After a year of doing this, she is done.

I'm not sure if she wanted me to applaud her (I do, I just wasn't going to say it) for being strong or beg her to give him another chance, but she felt like I needed to know.

She also needed me to know that he is having health problems. High Cholesterol. High Blood Pressure. His diabetes is off the chart; he has been to the hospital a lot for it lately. His bottom gums are turning black (anyone have a clue what this means? Because I don't know but I know it's bad) other things surprisingly too private to mention.

And can I call him on the phone after I put money on it so it is active and so he knows someone loves him?

No. I can't. Not really. The emotional part is too much. The financial part is too much. I have nothing to say to him these days. What am I going to tell him? That I am living comfortably in a 3 bedroom home all by myself? With a spare room for guests, but no he can't come live with me? That I won't send him the $5 I made selling a drop spindle? (totally proud of that, by the way)

The weight drops upon me. I cannot do this. I don't know the pin number (I can't remember what my grandmother and before her my great grandparent's phone number was, I can barely remember to eat breakfast in the morning. Or what I wore yesterday) And even if I knew, I have to pay rent. Bills. Groceries. The things that I need to keep me and my critters alive and healthy.

She's worried that he will be suicidal. That he will take all those pills he has. Pain meds for his knee. Whatever is floating around on the streets these days.

I don't want him to die. I don't want him to hurt. I don't want to have to worry about him anymore either. I don't want to feel guilty every time I go out and have Wendy's because I could sent that $5 to him and maybe he can eat a little better that day. Or have a gallon of gas to get to a job interview. But he wouldn't, I know that. I know that every cent I have sent has been spent in a way that I likely wouldn't approve of. And I don't think it's right for me (and my Seester) to feel badly that we cannot support him.

I'm tired of that. I live a good life here. I am SO BLESSED. And I try to share when I can. But I feel as though I have no more to give him.

And I feel guilty for it. I feel like I have turned my back on him. That I am abandoning him in his time of need. That a little bit of fat trimming on my part could really make a difference for him. I don't NEED new bearings. (actually, I kinda do. maybe not the expensive ones I want, but I do need new ones) Maybe I could sell some fiber or yarn. But really? I need the money I would earn from that to support me. Me Me Me. It all comes back to me. I have to take care of myself and yet I feel like I should be sharing with him. Yet I don't. because he isn't helping himself.

And he didn't share with me when he had plenty. And I feel bad for feeling bitter about that. I know I always will. I will resent him for the rest of my life, and that will eat at me too. Because I don't want to resent anyone. I don't want to harbor anger. Especially over money. How would I react differently to this situation if there hadn't been any money? Would he be homeless now if he hadn't had plenty to blow through?

And so you see my struggle. again.

Doing the right thing is hard when you don't know what the right thing is.

Monday, September 22, 2008

My Own Damn Fault

I got a notice from the DMV not too long ago. It said I needed to verify my insurance. I didn't do it right away.

I got a certified letter from the DMV today...I haven't actually received it yet, but I know what it says.

Funny, I must have known because this very issue kept me up last night.

I have non one to blame for the fee but myself...

Friday, September 19, 2008

Reno Roller Girls Saturday September 20!

We're bouting again! Doors open at 6:30, bout starts at 7:30 at Roller Kingdom in Reno! Come out and play with us!

I am blue with excitement!

Dear Bush Administration,

I'm just wondering why you think it's ok for the "government" and by that I mean me and my fellow taxpayers, to buy up all this bad debt. Seems to me, and I am hardly a financial genius, that buying it doesn't make it go away. In fact, it seems like taking on that bad debt means you will be at risk of the same bankruptsy you are resuing the mortgage companies from.

It seems like you are telling us that by buying it it will go away. But like other "toxic" items, redistributing it doesn't make it go away, it only redistributes the problem.

Now, I know that people are losing their homes. And that the economy is tanking fast. That what happens in our economy affects the world and I DON'T EVEN WANT to look at my 401K because I know it isn't looking so good.

But I don't know if continued government bailout is the answer. It seems like the "easy way" and a continuance of the very issue that got us in this predicament in the first place.

Buying more than we could handle, and figuring the goverment would protect us if we got in trouble.

I realize that I only have a high school diploma and a certificate in Massage Therapy. I am also aware that I tend to sleep in class, which is precicely why I didn't go to college. But I do remember something in Economics class about supply and demand. And it seems as though this country has forgotten the neato little fulcrum drawing provided by countless high school teachers. (I didn't forget, Mr Haiman!) It also seems to have forgotten that credit is a neat and powerful thing if used wisely. And a dangerous toy of used unwisely.

It seems to me like I am paying for other people's mistakes. That many folks are getting away with being irresponsible. The banks for giving out loans more feely than the guy on Halloween who buys full size candy bars and dumps them into your bag by the case. The citizens for knowingly taking on more house and toys than they can afford.

I'll never forget the first time I got prequalified for a loan. I went to my friend and said, "What can you do about getting me into this house?" I prequalified for $160,000. the house was $400,000 for a two bedroom 1 bath on a little bit of land. In hicksville. And she said we could swing it. That I could state my income higher than it was and get into that house if I really wanted it. I decided it was too much. Smart move for me, if I still lived in the neighborhood, I could probably buy the house for half that.

I made a smart choice. But I still have to pay for other's mistakes. I'm not sure how that is protecting my interests if that is indeed what the government is supposed to be doing.

A concerned constituant

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

stitching block

So, I'm working on another tea towel tour-Where you send a towel all around and everyone stitches on it-and um, I'm stumped. See, we have the opportunity to choose a theme (I generally just like to see what people want to do on my towels) The towel in hand? Her theme is...

Vintage-pre 1950's (ok, no problem!) Places named after a women.

Now, I think I might be able to make it look vintage-y if I didn't feel like I needed to fill the rest of the request.

Actually, I'm feeling a little cranky about this one which never bodes well for my performance. And the towel is already behind...


Monday, September 15, 2008

Trying to make sense of it all

Received my usual after work call from Louie. I wondered if I would. I am confused. I wonder if last night's kiss had anything to do with the horrid dragon breath I woke myself up with around 4 am. Good god, I thought something died in there.

I forgot to mention that my father called yesterday. It was kind of him to remember my birthday. he's actually been pretty good about that lately. I wasn't quite sure what to say. beyond "thank you". It wasn't that long ago that his gf called at 6:30 am so that I could hear them argue and then again. And then again at 7 to tell me all about what is going on between them before she hung up on me.

I'm not really sure what she expects me to do. If her accusations are true that he is strung out again, then I am certainly not sending money. Not that I really can. Or that I want to despite the guilt that I somehow "allow" him to live on the street. I know it isn't my fault, it's an ingrained guilt. I try to ignore it. Even if his only trouble outside of his lack of home or job is his lack of shoes, I tend to think he prefers to be without shoes. He is, after all, the king of the flip flop. Outside of weddings and funerals, I don't really recall him being in anything else. Except that his diabetes makes a lack of proper footwear a really poor decision.


At least she hung up before I had a chance to remind her that he chooses to be this way (yes, he does.) and that I have myself to care for, and that I can't very well buy him shoes in Reno or send him a gift certificate when I don't have an address for him.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Another year gone by

Another year, another birthday. I am officially in my thirties, even though technically, I have been there for awhile. It was a good weekend.

My mom flew up on Thursday and I took Friday off. We ate at restaurants and prepared for the BBQ I planned for Saturday partially to celebrate my day and partially to give my mom the opportunity to meet my friends, most importantly my wife. Wifey has become such an integral part of my life...We toured my warehouse on Friday and drove to the nearest brothel to have lunch since they advertise that they are a restaurant, saloon and museum. Bu they didn't answer at the gate so we left. WE spent the evening watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and drinking iced blended Baileys.

Poo arrived Saturday.

Saturday was a wonderful sunny day. I don't know what I would have done without Momi and Poo who helped me get the homestead ready to the party. My guests were plentiful and had a good time, I got tipsy but not too drunk, and we all enjoyed the goodies that fell out of the pinata Wifey brought. Louie was unable to attend due to a previous arrangement. But he did call and invite me to dinner for my birthday which made me feel all gooshy and happy.

I spent the morning skating. First at the skate park and then twice around the marina. My mom overheard some lady making nasty comments about my skirt which was short enough to see my underwear-you know, the ones I was wearing over nylons and over another pair of underwear. I am conservative for a derby girl!!

It was hard taking my mom back to the airport, but I had my date with Louie to look forward to and I dressed carefully in a demure dress and pearls. I was going for the opposite of my earlier outfit just in case I ran into that lady again. You never know. Reno is pretty small. Olive Garden is popular.

Dinner was nice and we made small talk as usual. I invited him to stay for a movie but he needed to go to bed early. He came in for a little while and we made more small talk. I was hoping for birthday kisses, he wanted to see what happens when you let Oliver out of his cage. I tried leaning near, perhaps I smell like garlic. Regardless, I think I have been downgraded to friend based on the goodnight kiss he planted on my cheek.

I shouldn't be upset. But I always am.

Better this way anyway.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

There goes Mr Finnigan; begin again.

So much to say. Not sure how to say it. I'll say that part two of the bunny adventure is up coming and it has a good ending. But that will have to wait for another day.

I got my drum carder the other day and have carded 1 batt. I'm working on another. I'm going to have one bigger arm. again.

I am confused by men. Not that that is anything new. It's not that I don't know what to do, it's the fear of doing it and the hope that I am wrong and that time will fix the issues. Same old thing, different guy, different issues. Truth is that I am spending a lot of energy on someone who only really seems sort of interested. And I think I need more than that. I've never thought of myself as being a needy person, of being a woman who needs constant attention. If I hadn't been told on more than one occasion that I am indeed low-to-no maintenance, I would argue with myself that no woman is going to think she is high maintenance or needy. In some ways Louie does give me attention. Via text. And last night, for example, he stopped by while my cousins were here. Little efforts go really far in my mind. I know he was tired.

After a couple of months of dating, I would like to think we would have more in depth conversations. When we do speak, our conversations mostly consist of work and everyday things. I miss talking about politics, religion, why exactly it is that Grover has to announce that he is cute and furry when he is, quite obviously, cute and furry. I can't get through the apparent wall. Maybe there is no wall. I'm not used to having a difficult time finding conversation. I like to think I can talk about almost anything. It seems like only the superficial things come up. Occasionally, we'll tease each other about getting old or favorite baseball teams, but that is rare. For a moment, during those times, it feels normal between us. That doesn't last long.

I would like to see him more. That is a little more difficult. But at the very least, it would be nice to think that he wants to see me more.

What else do I want? I don't know. These are things I should be telling him, but I can't. It's cowardly, I know, but I don't feel right discussing it on the phone. These are not the sort of things you text. I'm certainly not going to bring it up with my cousins in the next room. When will we be alone again? I don't know, actually. There have been no plans. No invites, no what are you doings. My mom will be here all next weekend and we don't tend to see each other during the week. Before I know it, another confused month will go by. I'll be writing these words again in October and you all, dear readers will be rolling your eyes again, knowing you have heard it all before.

You have already heard it all before. I'm tired of hearing it too.

When will I admit to myself that I am simply better off alone?

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

The Great Bunny Odyssey

Somehow, the other day, I got it into my head that rather than a dog or a cat, I should get a bunny. A house bunny. An ANGORA house bunny so that I could spin (and sell) the fiber. But mostly because I, love bunny. Remember Jack? I miss Jack and all his bunny goodness. And Baby? Loves furry critters too.

So I set out on a search. Craigslist, petfinder, no one had an angora nearby. The I had an idea. I looked on craigslist in Sacramento. And found some bun.

I contacted the woman, and was assured that her farm is disease free. I don't want to go through the heartache I went through with Jack. We agreed to meet. Yesterday.

My darling wife would go with me.

What I didn't know was that it's HELL to get out of Reno on Labor Day. Labor Day after the Rib Cook off. Labor Day after the Burning Man Festival. It's fun watching the burners go by though...We turned off at Truckee and decided to go down 50 instead of the 80. Scenic. It was an extra hour. I wasn't too worried though because I hadn't heard from the bunny lady. I didn't have her phone number, all our correspondence had been through email, but I had left mine. The trip around the lake was lovely.

Do you know how many people leave Tahoe on Labor Day?

This trip turned out to be a huge mistake planning wise. But Wifey and I always have fun together and we both agreed that we should turn around. We tried to find a farm in Carson, Minden, or Gardnerville, but alas. I remain bunless.

Until Thursday. I spoke to the Bunlady today. We meet on Thursday in Auburn. She will bring the loot. Wifey will be in attendance.

Then I found her phone number in my purse. I had it all along.

Stay tuned for the Great Bunny Caper