I'm not sure what is is that just drives me crazy sometimes. Perhaps it is the nature of mothers that their daughters occasionally go a little crazy and get a little cranky. It's like I told her.
I never know what will set me off.
There are some topics that I generally don't like to discuss. Sometimes, they just hit too close to home. They widen the cracks in my fragile composure. They pick at the most sensitive areas of my life. I will give the excuse that they are things which I canot control. Subjects that when talked out, won't get better.
So when she mentions T? I turn my head and clam up because even after all this time, even though I do my best not to talk about him It still hurts. Deeply. Because even though I try to let go and move on I haven't and I know I am a fool for it. I know she isn't doing it intentionally. When my seester asks if I have heard from him? I answer, and it doesn't bother me except that I am a little ashamed because I know that she knows I still have hope. And we both know I am rediculous for it. My mother, of course, has to ask if I still care. She has to feed my hope by telling me that he might surprise me by coming around. Honestly, even if he wanted to, I think we are both too stubborn to bring it up. and then she delves into the next subject that is sure to set me off.
That I will meet mr right eventually. when I least expect it. and worse? probably when I am much older. Most days, I'm ok with beeing alone. I accept it. It's the way my life is right now. And I honestly have faith that someone will come into my life when they are supposed to. I am well taken care of that way. It may not be the man I will spend the rest of my life with, but for some reason, and here I ponder devine intervention, I am given what I need when I need it. Right now, I obviously need friends more than lovers. And alone time more than I need someone around. Part of this, I feel, stems from the fact that if T were to decide to give it another go, I would be hard pressed not to take him up on it. And to hell with the poor sap I happen to be dating.
And that is SO WRONG. I couldn't do that to someone. Even in my head. And so I know that I must finish healing before I move on because it's unlikely that someone will come along that will make me forget. I won't forget, but I know that I can appreciate someone new. And perhaps even, better suited.
all things in time, right? Except that people keep reminding me that time is slipping by and when my mother says I will probably be much older before I meet someone, she is reminding me that each year that slips by is another year I don't get to spend with this person. this elusive person who is, everyone assures me, out there somewhere, I just need to stop looking.
There is another situation too. One I can't really discuss exceept to say that analyzing it doesn't help. A situation that every ounce of intuition I own tells me is going to be ok. But that little fearing voice inside worries it won't. But in this, above all else I want to be strong. I don't want to focus on the negative, I want to focus on the positive. I want to be right about this. I want to trust my intuition when it says not to worry. (this is the same intuition that told me that T would break my heart) And if I am not right? I want to be surprised that my intuition was wrong. and I want to have hope for the future. I don't want to be told that I am cute for seeing a good omen in small things. I want to believe. I want to revel in the joy, not worry. Worrying doesn't help me. it's never helped me so, for once, I want to be confident in my feelings and not think something will go wrong. I don't want to discuss intimate details about private things. I figure that if that person wants to discuss intimate details, that person will come to me directly. I know my mom just needs to get it off her chest. That she needs to talk about it. And it's not that I don't want to be there for her. it just puts me in a bad frame of mind. There's just something about it that pushes my wrong buttons.
And so I called her. To apologize for being cranky. And ended up frustrated again. Because in the end? I don't think she heard what I was saying. in the end, I was the one who upset her. And I should just tell her when I don't want to talk. Perhaps I should not use that she caught me napping as an excuse for getting cranky, but it seemed the only available explaination. I don't want to give her a list of subjects I don't want to talk about. I don't want to hear her say that she will just start keeping her thoughts to herself again. I nearly threw my phone when she said that perhaps I am just hormonal. (I know the difference) I tried to explain that I don't want to discuss things that can't be helped. I even mentioned my love life as one of them. But I don't think she heard me. Or maybe I just don't communicate well. Perhaps I don't speak english as clearly as I think I do. there are just some things I have picked apart until they are bleeding. And I have realized that picking at them only hurts me. And I have realized that although there are some things in life that can be helped, there are some that can't. and for some reason when my mom brings them up, it bugs me all the more. Apparently, I have always been this way. Ok one minute, then upset the next. Perhaps it is because I have been taught to hide my feelings, to control them until the dam breaks and I get mad. I must have dealt with this differently as a child. I must have lost the ability to hide my nasty tone.
I know she has a lot going on. she has stresses that I cannot begin to describe. She deals with stuff every day that would break a lesser person. It's tough being her rock. especially when I hurt her.
I understand that I don't communicate my emotions very well because how in the world can I possibly put multidimentional emotions into two dimentional words and have them convey the full meaning of what I am feeling? How can I tell someone who just needs to talk that I don't want to talk about it? When I can't fully explain what "it" is? How do you look someone in the eye, who is trying to console you and tell them that they are making it hurt worse? Especially when coming from someone else, it might not hurt so badly?
I know this issue has not been solved. In fact, I fear it may have gotten worse since now she is afraid to talk to me.