In other news...

I will be guest posting over at Polkadotbandit every Friday. It will be mostly home and craft related stuff because that is the kind of blog she has, but go check it out. I'm really excited at the idea of guest posting anywhere and am flattered that she is allowing me into her world. Maybe I will even let my mom go read that one. There's two posts already scheduled, and more in my head. Exciting stuff. And nice to see something that ISN'T man related. sheesh!

At the risk of...

Being found out, the flirtaion I spoke of has turned to something more. I worry about talking about it here, because i know there is someone who will tell him, .and  that it will hurt Cheese. I haven't told him. Yes, he will find out eventually and yes, this is precisely what T did to me, and gods how it hurt when I found out. I would really rather know he is seeing someone first.

Not a good basis for a friendship, I know. I'm not lying to him about it, I'm just not telling him, which could be considered lying by omission, but ultimately, as I have told him there is no hope for a future between us, that we do not belong together, that we both deserve to love and be loved, it's really none of his business.

I know that some of the girls find the new guy a bit creepy. I am not discounting this in any way shape or form. I am not ignoring it. it's in the back of my mind at every moment. I think of it when I look at him, I consider it in his every word. (Which kind of sucks, but we know I have terrible taste in men. Good people, bad for me)

I realized something though.

I am happy. Happier than I have been in a long time. Right now. And right now I am going with it. And accepting the happiness as something that might change but something that I have right now. I'm looking over the last several years of dating and the pattern isn't pretty. Shall we recap?

Cheese was worthy of all I could give but I just couldn't find it. (I'm pretty into the new guy right now)
The one before wasn't ready for a relationship and i don't know if he ever will be ready for a relationship with me. I will always have love for him. I'm glad we are on speaking terms again. It has brought joy into my world. (new guy seems to be wanting the same things I do)
Hi Five treated me like I didn't matter. I felt last on his list. Whether this is accurate or not is questionable, but the perception is there (I have not felt lacking in the new guys attention. He has his own life too, but I don't feel neglected)
B. I was happy with B. But it was all based on a lie. (new guy, as far as i know has been honest (he even told me he asked Flash to coffee after he found out that I wasn't available. She didn't go. I'm flattered that there is any comparison between she and I), the stories add up, there are no small children waiting for him at home nor is there a crazy ex wife calling while we are out. as far as I know)

I could go on, but I am already bored with it. and we have now gone back two years.

I'm taking the moments as they come. I'm having fun getting to know someone new and enjoying his company. I think it's healthy.

Except for the guilt part... I have nothing to feel guilty about...I have nothing to feel guilty about...I have nothing to feel guilty about...

I'm going to keep repeating that until the guilt goes away.

Trying again

I'm not blaming him, but my months with Cheese undid two years of derby weightloss. when Kindovermatter announced the Be Kind to your Body Challenge, and linked me to Loseit.com, I decided that this might help me lose those 15 pounds. And lemme tell you, I waste a lot of calories eating candy!

I am hoping that I don't fall off the bandwagon, I think that the process of logging everything and getting to see my reports in graph form will help. We shall see!

I miss sleep

• I stopped following Cheese on Twitter all together last night because he is making some really poor choices and I can't watch him throw all the good things away. I also refuse to feel responsible for his downward spiral and I think that watching  it will only make me feel guilty. I hope he pulls out of this tailspin quickly.
• I need to stop taking Derby personally. I end up looking like an asshole and I am tired of it.
• Still not sure about the guy. Flash Crash gets a very strong creepy vibe. And that it definately something to take into consideration. Time will tell

Later...

Talked to Cheese. He said that twitter wasn't entirely accurate. I let him know how it appears when he posts certain things and he said he would be more careful.
a little while later, he asked if he could point out a few things about me. Since I like to pretend that I can take constructive criticism and learn from it, I accepted his offer.
He didn't want me to read the emails until I got home, but of course i did because, well, you would too. Much of what he said was accurate. Some was most certainly not.
I never cheated. never ever. I looked. I'm human. I'm sure he looked too. But I never touched. Never flirted, never crossed any lines.
I will respond to him when I get home.

I'm so tired of navel gazing. while I am sure I haven't discovered all my flaws, there are so many of them I am aware of. I sit and stare at them, they haunt my sleepless nights. I know he needs to get these things out, that it is part of his healing process, and he needs to admit to me and to himself that I am hardly perfect. despite my bravado, its not easy to see it spelled out.

Again?

If I had a dollar for every date that has been canceled (even for a good reason) I'd be a rich woman. Or, at the very least could buy myself a nice new outfit.

Since I don't hav a dollar, I am going to do my best to make the best of a day with no plans!

Where its at

Cheese and I are still working on our friendship. It's difficult, knowing that he reads into every hug and every glance. It's even more difficult knowing that I have taken advantage of his kindness over the last couple of weeks (he has been watching the dog while I am out of town). I don't want to use him. He makes it very easy to do it. For that, I have guilt. On top of the guilt I feel for hurting him in the first place.

And then there is the flirtation. With a man who, I learned, has been interested in getting to know me for a very long time. And I am flattered by his attention and frightened by the intensity with which he has begun his pursuit.

I know that I am not really ready to get involved with someone. Get to know, yes. And who knows? There is a mutual attraction.

I am afraid. I am afraid of so many things.

I am afraid that it will hurt Cheese all over again, especially since it feels like it is too soon. I am afraid that Cheese will walk away from the friendship we are trying to have like C did so long ago.The difference is, that C is far more secure, and our friendship far stronger than I think I have with Cheese. We just haven't known each other for that long. And that's ok, you can't rush time.

I am afraid that all he wants is a piece. And I don't want to give another one up to someone who is only looking for a special friend. I don't want to be a booty call again. Hi Five's dogged pursuit comes to mind. How little it felt like I meant to him despite his protests to the contrary. The chase is fun. And the last one. Before Cheese, who I didn't talk about except in generalities. That was... A situation I don't want to be in again. And even though there were feelings between us, they didn't change the reality of the situation. When it was over, I made a bad choice and hurt myself and someone else.

I'm afraid to hope that I am wrong.  My wife thinks I am.

And for being attracted and tentatively interested in someone so soon, I feel guilt. I worry that I am going to fall for pretty words and a flirtatious manner again. That  I will get so wraped up in wanting the whole package that I will turn a blind eye to an uglier truth.  I am afraid I will lose another piece.

So I am trying my best to smile, and enjoy the conversation.