In July, I found my Kind

I tend to think that its funny and amazing and strange and exciting all at once how things come together and you get pushed around by the universe.

a few days ago, I tripped over Kind over Matter and have been lurking there ever since searching out the good things in the world and trying to banish some of the negativity. Then, I found a magazine, an old copy of O that talked about decluttering, something that I need to do badly.

It helped and I am now on a decluttering path complete with a schedule I made in microsoft project.

There was another nugget in there. an interview with a Buddist Monk that talked about Mindful living and being happy. I am practicing this whenever I remember.

This week I returned to the gym.

Last night I met with a webmaster. Cheese is giving me a new website for my birthday. while I was falling alseep, I started designing a sign for my booth so that when I attend that farmers market in the south end of town, people will know who I am.

I am excited by my business again. Daydreaming about business is so much better than daydreaming about hitting someone.

Speaking of, I almost hit someone the other night. Not the same person, she did not drive me crazy that night, someone else. But I left the track and skated it off instead. I took deep breaths. I tickled a handy puppy. (SO EFFIN CUTE!!!) I moved past my anger, then took a blow to the head hard enough that it's still sore today.(two days later)

I took a leave of absense from skating. My team doesn't bout until October, so now is the time. I am in a frame of mind to build my business and be excited about it. I need to take advantage of that. For my own sanity. I think it's a good move. It's about time I start making some good moves.

Tomorrow I will drop off my weaving loom to be shipped to it's new home in Maine. Then Cheese and I are heading to the Renegade Craft fair in San Francisco.

July ended well. And August is oozing with promise.

Do a good deed daily

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Please click on that link. And Vote for Kellan. Vote every day. Kellan is the son of one of my dear friends. She is one of the best people I know. I am blessed to have her in my life.
 
Kellan was born with severe heart problems. winning this contest would help his mom pay off some of the bills from the surgeries he needed to keep him alive. You can see his scar in the photo. It's a good cause. and he's damn cute.
 
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Who is that?

I didn’t realize how negative I have become until I lay in bed last night thinking about someone I don’t like and how I would really like to punch her in the face. I lay there with adrenaline rushing through my body, wide awake and thought about whether it would hurt my hand. And what would happen after. What she would say that would give me the reason. In the span of a couple of seconds, I was ready to go to war.

Don’t get me wrong, I like to get all wound up about stuff. And I have learned that everyone needs a villain in their life (or so we think). Right now, she’s mine. And that’s ok. I don’t have to like her, I don’t HAVE to like anyone. BUT. I do have to act civilized. I expect that of myself. AND I DO have to go to sleep at night. And? It’s unhealthy. Draining my adrenaline on daydreams? Violent ones against another person? Wow. I’m pretty sure, that’s not me. Maybe a part of me, but not the one I want to nurture.

I forced myself to calm down. To think happy thoughts. To roll over, close my eyes, breathe deeply and (snore).

Today I tripped over a new (to me) blog that completely underlined how far away from who I am I have gotten. http//:kindovermatter.blogspot.com

I remembered a girl who used to collect quotes. Who aspired to set up a scholarship program aimed at helping people achieve their dreams. Like the 80 year old grandmother who has always wanted to learn ballet. Or the 10 year old who wants to be a trapeze artist. Little dreams. The ones you think are silly. A little dream of my own to help put a smile on the face of someone else.

I haven’t been completely evil. But I haven’t been as good as I want to be. I need to get back on track.

The ladies over at kindovermatter reminded me of this today. Through their card drop project, I am inspired to make and drop cards. Everywhere. Even in the shoe of that girl I don’t like.

There have been other little things too. Detroit Rock Kitty told us about something called the Nerd Fighters. They are, apparently, made of awesome and support nerdy causes. Like, donating books to poor folks who can’t afford them. And that website where you can loan money to entrepreneurs in developing countries. Why haven’t I done that yet? I heard about it over a week ago (another surfing stumble) am I really so wrapped up in my own world that I can’t spare ten minutes and 25 bux?

Wrapped up in my own world. That’s precisely what I am these days. And some of that? Is ok. I need to be able to work and pay my bills and all that. But there are people I haven’t talked to except through facebook in a long time. And by talk to them I mean that I occasionally comment on their status.

Excepting a little bit of time at the cabin for July 4th, I haven’t spun wool in forever. I haven’t met with my crafty group, I haven’t taken my dog to the park, I haven’t baked cupcakes.

In far too long.

While those things may seem like they are centered with me (and some are) they affect other people or critters too. The crafty group was formed so we could inspire each other. The dog needs to run. My friends get to eat the cupcakes.

Instead I spend my time thinking evil thoughts. I spend energy listening to gossip and other people’s drama.

I bet I would have the time to do the things I love if I used my energy more wisely. I want to start thinking up ways to bring a smile to people’s face instead of a broken to their nose.

Now that is the stuff to imagine to daydream myself to sleep.

Only at my house...

Can the Boyfriend leave a light on in the living room when he leaves at 3:30 am for work, keeping the bird from going back to sleep.

Since the bird thinks it's time to be awake, she starts talking to the dog.

Yhe dog, knowing he is supposed to be asleep, ignores her (actually, he ignores her most of the time) and wanders back up the hall to sleep in my room.

The combination of her chatter and his tonails clicking wakes be up at 4 am where I am too groggy to figure out that Cheese is long gone and the light needs to be turned off.

In short, I am a little tired because the bird kept me up by having a very loud converstation with the dog.

Those hated words

I don’t know which is worse, the fail or the flashback.
Today, I was unable to come through on a deadline for shirts for one of our derby teams. I feel bad, but can’t do anything about the fact that the vendor put a larger order before ours, that’s life and if I had to make a choice between a large order and a less than 20 (shirts, not soap. An order of 20 bars is HUGE for me) I’d push the small order.

That really doesn’t make me feel any better about it, of course.
When I informed the team captain, she sounded understanding, but said her girls would be pissed. Then she said those hated words.
“It is what it is”
Flashback to my relationship with the Cowboy, who described our affair with those words. The description was accurate. You and I both know it lasted longer than it should have, that I should have walked away when he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship instead of hoping for all those months that he would develop feelings for me. I’m not saying I would trade the time we spent together, or that I regret it, but I understand the reality of it now. The reality is exactly as he put it on that last day. I was more into it than he was. It was what it was.
I realized the other day that it’s been two years since that ended. I still think of him often and hope he is well. Like any old wound though, mostly healed but maybe not completely, it still stings at unexpected times. The scar gets itchy, or something catches the last remnants of a lingering scab and makes it bleed again.
Then I started to think about other things. Other frustrations, other issues. Burn out is a problem right now. I would take a little break but don’t want to lose my responsibilities. I don’t want to quit. I remembered after an evening back at the rink how much I love the sport when I am not slipping and sliding and fearing for life and limb against floor outlets and extension cords.
Growing pains I suppose. I miss the simpler times. When uniforms didn’t have to match and I didn’t have to worry if the building was going to run out of TP. When I didn’t think that perhaps Derby had completely taken over my life…

Awed

Ten months ago today I recieved an amazing gift. (coincedentally, it was my birthday) The Loan Shark and Sharkess signed the gift letter showing that they were going to gift me the down payment to my house.

I have been doing my best to send them as much money as I can ever since. Which hasn't been as much as I wanted.

Last week, the IRS sent me my refund check (even though they teased me and told me it would be 6 weeks, it arrived a couple of days later)

About 30 minutes ago, I arranged to pay the balance to the LS family. Then I scheduled a payment that would wipe out my credit card.

I think I have enough to cover the last two bills as well although I may choose to knock out one of them and leave myself a little cushion. i like cushions. I'm expecting to be debt free (again) within 3 months.

I know that in order to remain this way, I am going to have to change some habits. I am already working on those.

Last weekend, when Cheese suggested we hit Costco, I declined. I didn't need anything there and tend to spend. Today, there was a man on craigslist selling a shop full of tools for $700 bux. SUCH a good deal. I have it, I could do it. but i know they would sit in my garage until i get around to cleaning it. progress on that project is SLOW. really slow. And i would incur more debt via interest rates while my shop full of toold gathered dust.

I'm learning. I'm trying to curb my spending habits. permenantly, not just until i get another wild hair to buy something cool.

There is so much cool stuff to have...

Over the mountains and through the woods

Chickie came to visit. It was awesome. I had myself all wound up and excited. I didn't sleep the night before. We drank Ass Kickers and shared an Awful Awful and chatted and then we went to the National Bowling Stadium to watch her husband bowl.

Then the sleepy kicked in. And the tequila because an Ass Kicker is really just a giant, cheap margarita. with cheap tequila.

Go see what Chickie had to say about it here

This is becoming an epidemic when I meet other bloggers. No wonder I am rarely invited to those all blogger meetup things that happen periodically and I can't really afford to attend anyway so what am I complaining about...

Need effective communication

I know this is not the place to talk about it. I know that the right thing to do is to go directly to the source and pound it out of him. But when my indication that something may be wrong is a twitter tweet, I feel a little more justified in thinking it out here. It may not have been directed at me at all. It may have been his way of letting me know that he was upset about something without actually coming to me. I don't generally respond to his twitters unless it's though the website and public so I won't respond to this one.

Not pleased. Noticed something tonight. And not the first time. Either. ???????

Since the only place he had been was at practice with me, I feel ok in guessing that whatever it is he is not pleased about has something to do with me. But as far as I know, I behaved as I always do. Wifey certainly didn't notice anything odd.

If he has a problem, if he wants an explaination, all he has to do is ask. While I haven't told him everything, I also have not lied. I could sneak over to his blog and do a little spying and see if he has posted about whatever it is, but I told him I wouldn't. I haven't. I won't.

I will just have to wait. and wonder. and maybe then just stop worrying about it because there is nothing I can do if he doesn't tell me he has a problem. Not the internet. Me.

It's not easy being Cheesy

I don't think I have ever felt so sorry for any man I have dated than I occasionally feel for Cheese. Not in the way that it sounds. It is not an overall pity I feel, I feel bad that he has to deal with me.

Actually, he doesn't HAVE to deal with me, he chooses to. Most days, things are sun shiney and great. Every so often though, the scary comes out. Some of it I have control over, other, I don't.

I consider myself a decent cook. Or, maybe it's just that if I cook something nasty, I will eat it anyway because I'm the only one complaining. No so anymore. Now, I am feeding someone else sometimes, and I suddely find that everything is overdone (steak) or just plain funky (like the stuffed chicken I made for Valentines day where I realized too late I didn't have bread crumbs so I used graham crackers instead). The nights when dinner comes out fabulous? He was out on the road. Now that he's in town all the time, hopefully he will be able to eat good food instead of scary stuff.

In town all the time. which, sadly, means that I am not in as much of a panic to spend as much time as possible with him before he leaves again. On the nights we do have together, I try to make it a point to give him my mostly undivided attention but when he goes to bed, I don't go with him unless I have to be up early too. Years of living alone and setting my own schedule have made me forget sometimes that those moments right before bed are some of the most important ones of the day. it's the time when you relax together. Chat and giggle and settle in for the night. They are the kind of intimate moments you don't share with anyone but the people closest to you. At least I don't. 

Last night I looked up and realized that Cheese had gone to bed and I didn't remember saying goodnight. I realized that I should go in there and spend a little before sleep time with him. That's where it all went wrong.

It was dark in the bedroom. so I didn't see the dog who likes to sleep in front of the door if I am not in bed yet and next to the bed if i am in it. He's a black dog. Dark room.

I stepped on the dog.

Poor Little Guy gave a yelp. Which frightened me so I screamed too.

which woke up my soundly sleeping boyfriend.

have you ever woken up to the sound of screams? I hope not. I'm lucky we didn't frighten him to death. I can't afford to buy another mattress, I haven't finished paying for the one he was on!

I couldn't help it though. I started giggling once we had it all sorted out. which probably made it worse. Especially since he was too groggy and shocked to realize what was so funny.

I should stop trying to be nice.