Friday, October 03, 2008

An unwelcome adventure

I received a phone call on Tuesday from an old friend. Someone I have been corresponding with for about 10 years. This man has children my age and we have never had a romantic relationship. It has always been very casual, exchanging stories and pictures. We met when he applied for a position at my company. I made all the travel arrangements and even though he didn't get the job and I didn't remain in that position, we continued to correspond. Occasionally, over the years, he would invite me out to dinner with him and his children and a couple of times to rugby matches when he was to be in my area.

He called Tuesday afternoon to say that he would be passing through on his way home from Sacramento and he wanted to know if I would like to go to dinner. I was to choose something casual, so I picked a brewery near my house where the food is good and the prices are nice. The following is an edited copy of what I sent to my Derby Wife the next day. I have changed names where needed.

He showed up right after I sent you the message about smiling at old guys. Hugged me hello, and we had dinner. During dinner, he said he wanted to see my house. No biggie, he’s on my Christmas card list, I’ve always felt comfortable with him. Then, when we left, he gave me another hug and pulled me in close and kinda laid his head on mine. Like a side hug, you know? When I tried to pull away, he held on a bit, then acted as if he wanted to walk with his arm around my waist.

In my world, that’s a rather intimate gesture reserved for very close friends, family members, boyfriends. I skipped away.

Then he made a comment about driving over Donner Summit today and getting in the mood to eat someone, and boy didn’t I look good enough to eat (danger, Will Robinson!) By this time I was several feet away and I told him to just keep over there.

He followed me back to the house, I gave him the grand tour, ushering him out of my room when I realized he was looking at my underwear on the floor, and we chatted in the living room for awhile. (I was thankful for the distraction of Oliver and for the fact that I keep the living room window shade open) He seemed a little hurt when I pulled up a chair, but I knew there wasn’t room on the couch for the both of us.

(Note: I have a love seat. There is a picture of it Here there isn't a whole lot of room on it and he took up more than one cushion)

About 9 he suggested that he might be keeping me up. I agreed. He then asked if I was going to ask him to stay.

I had thought about it. I like to think that any of my friends are welcome to use the spare room if they need a place to go, but after the whole hugging scene in front of the restaurant, I didn’t think that was a good idea. He hadn’t made any hotel plans, (I asked) and he was already there, so I set him up in the spare room, apologizing that the sheets weren’t changed after my mom used them. (I was NOT expecting company!!)

Hug goodnight, two kisses on the cheek, and a bit of a snuggle into my neck.

I asked to take my shower first and did so, locking the doors to my bedroom and to the bathroom when I was in there. I didn’t run around in my towel, and put PJs on strait away.

He knew my door was locked because after his shower, he knocked and tried to open my door. I answered, asked if he needed anything, he said no and said goodnight again. Kiss on the cheek.

I locked the door again behind me and had a fitful nights sleep. I was snoozing as usual this morning when he called from the living room. So I got up (actually, this turned out to be a good thing because I then had time to feed myself in addition to the critters.) and we said our goodbyes. Since I didn’t have time for breakfast, he left. Before he went, he said that he had hoped we could sleep together. “Not like that”, he said, “just share”. I let him know that I am an alone sleeper.

I have tried to figure out how I might have invited this behavior, but I really don’t think I did. I don’t act towards him any different than I do towards anyone else. I try to avoid putting myself in weird situations, it seems that they find me instead…

Quite frankly, I can't figure out how it is that he might think this is okay. Even now, a few days later, I am bothered by my encounter. I don't like to feel uncomfortable in my own house, and I most certainly did. I also don't generally sleep with my friends. There are a few exceptions to this, girl friends, family members. I'm hoping I've learned my lesson from anyone else...ahem. But certainly not random men who expect to pop into town and stay at my house!

At this point. I don't know how to respond to his emails. He thanked me for a nice time, and gave no indication that he might feel badly for making me uncomfortable. Or that he even realizes that he did. My friend at work says i should tell him he crossed the line, but I don't like confrontation and feel like it would be so much easier to never respond to him again. But then, that tends to be my reaction. I think the best thing to do is to give it a few more days and see how I feel about it. It will always creep me out, but whether I want to make an issue of it is a different story.

In other news, I haven't spoken to or texted Louie since last sunday so I'm thinking that's over. it wasn't working anyhow.


Osbasso said...

My two cents here...I think that you give it a few days. One of two things will happen--he won't be any different than before, or he'll start get a bit inappropriate in future emails. If that happens, that's when you need to lay down the law. If he's no different, and he comes to town again, then you REALLY lay down the law.

lzymzy said...

I know this will come to no surprise to you, but I think you should talk to him right away. By waiting, you continue to feel uncomfortable and weirded out by what happened. Getting it out and open will allow you to deal with it and move on.

I'll be at home next weekend. I can get the sibling posse together and beat him up.

Chickie said...

I'm with Osbasso because I don't like confrontation. But if you could muster it up, there wouldn't be anything wrong with telling him that he made you uncomfortable.

A friend's husband was very touchy-feely and I finally had to tell him to keep an arm's length away from me. He thought I was was kidding until my friend told him that she really thought I'd pop him in the nose. Not surprisingly, they aren't married anymore.

Sensei Ern said...

I think he got the message. He might try to approach again, but will be more cautious because he got burned by getting to close to the flame this time.

etukquet: The proper wearing of a tuque

charlie_foxxtrot said...

"I have tried to figure out how I might have invited this behavior..."

Generally speaking, just being female is enough...