Thursday, September 20, 2012

Seeing myself.

I talk a lot about different situations in my life. My childhood, which while it could have been better, it could have been worse. A whole lot worse. I talk about the adults who influenced me, how I was raised. I talk (a very little bit) about the men that I date or have dated and how that made me feel.

Sometimes, I know, my stories can come across as a bit negative. I have a lot of ugly stories. Some of them I don't share. With anyone. There are some skeletons that should remain buried in the closet behind my tiaras and evening gowns because while they helped shape who I am, they don't define me.

One of those came climbing out one night recently for reasons I don't understand and well, I'm still embarrassed about it and although I wish I could take it back, I can't. Sharing that story only made me want to bury it deeper so it never comes up again. Especially considering I am no longer dating the man I over shared with. I feel venerable and exposed knowing that he knows things about me that are not public knowledge.

That is not the point of this diatribe.

I share the stories because they helped shape who I am. Sometimes something in my world reminds me of a time, and I need to write it down. While I know that I shouldn't worry about what anyone thinks of me, I also don't want to paint a false picture of myself.

I know I have said that I don't blame my parents for the mistakes that they made. Mistakes get made. We are humans and I get to see the people that they have become and I get to be proud of how they have grown. I hope that when I am in my 50's I can look at myself and be proud of how I have grown from my 20's and 30's as well.

The point is, that despite some pretty ugly situations, I don't see myself as a victim. I am not all "oh woe is me, my childhood wasn't pretty", I don't allow the bad stuff in my past to be an excuse for misbehaving in my present. I know (now) that my parents loved me and really did the best that they could. I don't think I was an easy child to raise, and there's no handbook.

That's all.

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