I'm feeling crumbly

I know better.

I know that I can only handle so much and yet I insist on piling my plate higher and higher.

It's easy to forget because I'm not dealing with paperwork right now that I am currently going through one of life's most stressful moments. I'm buying a house. Escrow closes in two weeks and I am so scared that something isn't going to go through, that the bank will find me or the house unworthy, that I push it away and think about other things.

I'm moving. Another one of life's major stresses. Getting a house packed and ready without screwing myself out of the essentials and oh yeah it needs to be cleaned, repaired and prepared for the next tennant (Yes, i know this is technically the lsndlord's responsibility but he is also my friend and I am not going to leave him with a mess) and by the way I haven't forgotten that I need to make a payment to the loan shark to keep them from getting screwed and buy a refrigerator and a washer and dryer and prepare the new house for my occupancy (Clean and paint) Granted it will be MY house. Mine. I'm more excited than I like to admit because I am so worried that something will go wrong and you KNOW I don't do disappointment well.

I miss my family a lot lately. Maybe because I need them more than usual right now.

Roller Derby...

There's always stress involved with Derby. Always. Usually I just skate it off. Lately though I haven't been able to. My back is bothering me again and has been for many months. I find temporary relief from the pain here and there and it doesn't usually keep me up at night but it's there and I am monitoring it closely. But that means I can't skate as hard as I would like. which means my aggression and stress build up. I'm being smart about my back though. When it starts getting tender I do something else. If I have been sitting too long, I get up and take a walk. If it starts getting sore when I'm skating, I stop. That's helped a lot but I don't know if I will be in any condition to bout on November 14. It was hard telling my team that last night. Not to count on me. This will be the second bout I have missed this season due to injury. If I am not better by then.

And the Merchandise. Usually not a problem. I order when we are low and try not to overdraw the account. But it was suggested that for Chistmas we offer a bunch of stuff to the girls that we don't usually offer. Which means it all has to be gathered and quoted. In the next couple weeks. This was on the tails of a suggestion from the same person that I allow her to help me and that I form a comittee. I said no to both. If I get help, I would like for it to be someone NOT on the board and NOT in charge of her own comittee and for goodness sakes, I'm comitteed out. Then the same person came forward with a great deal on sweatshirts which needed to be offered to everyone if I didn't want to look like an asshole and miss an opportunity to get items people have been requesting for awhile. the response has been wonderful. The part of me that doesn't trust anyone wonders if it wasn't calculated. A way to force me to do what was asked of me. The part of me who wants to believe that everyone is in it for the good thinks that other part is a bitch.

Thank goodness for my Wifey who had the wonderful suggestion that I bring all RRG stuff over to her house until after the move so that nothing gets lost. there is a lot that has been lost already. I need to find that... Plus, with it all out of the way, I can focus on packing MY stuff.

I have also volunteered all my nights at the Haunted House they are holding at the Rink. The Owner is giving the league $1.50 for every operson who comes through for our help and it's a great opportunity to make quite a bit of cash. Projected Thousands. Until the end of October, I have promised every night it's open except Sunday. Those Tuesdays it isn't? I went and promised to the Food Bank because I just don't feel like I do enough to help others. Bad timing for that.

I fear I have fucked myself with good intentions.

My house is a disaster. The Puppy Butt has been a pain in the butt trying to get my attention lately and I realized today how much he is feeling neglected and how he probably knew I was crumbly before I did and is trying to give and get at the same time. This is the nature of puppies.

I don't even want to talk about boys who, even when I am happy being single, still continue to confuse me. I do know I don't need that right now. I can barely handle it when my cup isn't overlfowing and making a mess on the floor. I probably confuse myself and thats normal for me. I would change that about myself if I could. Among other things. I'm sure I confuse them too. Maybe I'm misinterpreting. Maybe I'm reading too much into things. Maybe I should shut up while I'm ahead.

My business. My dear dream of a business. Moldering in the corner. I need to make sales but can't afford the little bit of money or time to go out and get them. Catch 22. I should stop worrying about it until after the move but then I will have completely missed the Christmas rush. I wanna tell myself to revisit it after the first of the year. But I fear that will be too late...

I need to restore balance. I WILL restore balance. I've got my big girl panties on and I am dealing with it. I'll get through this month and next and I'll be back on top. I know that. Thank goodness, as always, for the many people I do have supporting me. Loudly. Quietly. My landlord is willing to watch Chango while I move. Mandrew, Wifey and PDog have promised thier help moving. Bratty Duke periodically asks how things are going. Bella listens too. I am blessed by the people I have surrounded myself with and I know I am lucky to have them. They are keeping me sane. If I have ever been sane.