Wishes

I wish I could tell you that things are fixed. That somehow I have worked through everything that was bothering me and that I'm back to true normal.

Instead I feel like I am getting frayed at the edges. Unravelling. Having technical difficulties. From my skates, whose moving parts finally wore out, to my computer, the upgrade of which knocked out my internet and printer.

I won't get into work even though I want to. Really really bad. I will say though that I am feeling insecure and that things aren't really going swimmingly. I am having flashbacks to the last casino, to the chiropractor, and to the construction receptionist position. All three led  to a career change. Two out of three were not my choice. I'm the new kid on the block with a prexisting reputation for run ins with fellow employees. I wake up every day and I put on a happy face. I tell myself its going to be a great day and that I am going to do a great job.

I have made Manland far more complicated than it has to be. I know I have and I don't know what to do about it. When I figure it out, I'll fill you all in on the madness. It's easy to say "follow your heart". So easy. My heart says something different every day.

I'm a fixer. I fix things. I get really lost and out of place when I don't know how to fix something. I tend to get overwhelmed and not even try. I ignore the problem until I get a sudden burst of inspiration. I can't do that with my life, I have to keep on truckin. Except that I am. I'm not dealing with my issues, I'm waiting to figure out what to do.

I'm afraid to make a mistake. I have made so many. Careerwise. in Manland. Especially in Manland. Every mistake makes it hard to make more. Because every mistake makes me a little more broken. And I end up at my desk doing my best not to break down into tears.