I rarely rant anymore

You can tell me that I am wrong, I might be, and if so, I will admit it, but right now, I am frustrated.

I don't talk about derby very often unless it is to promote it because I know that there are a lot of girls in my league that have tripped over my blog, and I try not to be negative about it because I can't bitch then tell people how great it is.

Most of the time it is. I'm sure my frustrations have been felt by other skaters, in fact, I know they have because sometimes, they tell me when they are having issues.

And, sometimes, my issues are personal. If I am going to have a personal issue with someone, I really try to either get over it or talk to them about it. If I am going to talk crap, I don't want to do it on the internet. I learned that one the hard way. I accept that people probably talk crap about me too. It's human nature.

There is no denying that bringing in the banked track was awesome. It has taken the game to a whole new level. Different form, different rules, different mechanics.

I have pretty much had to start all over learning my skills. Many of us have. Others, have taken to it quickly or have the time and stregnth to devote to it. I keep having difficulties. First, the angle of the track was hurting me. Then, I got that fixed and my skates started falling apart on me. I got those fixed and my body went haywire.

All in the few short weeks before our first banked track bout. Out first banked track bout against another league. A league that by their very location has access to two of the best leagues in the nation. Leagues that have been skating Banked Track Roller Derby for YEARS instead of a few short months.

There hasn't really been time to start from the beginning and practice, practice, practice until we get it right. I'm rolling into a situation where I don't feel as though I have the foundation to be as good as I could be. As good as I WAS when the playing field was level.

I can barely stay upright in the pack. I keep tripping myself and others. I have gone from being one of the better players on the league to being a liability in the pack. Heaven forbid I should try and hit someone.

It was during a hitting drill that I got frustrated.

We were skating in a line around the inside of the track. The person in the back of the line was to skate forward and hit each girl in the line towards the middle of the track. The drill works on both timing and control; the idea is that you can hit someone without ending up on the infield.

I was the last person in line. I braced myself and took every hit that came at me knowing that I was helping my teammate get used to hitting and myself taking a hit. Even if I got knocked out, I had the opportunity to learn to stop and get back in the game.

When my turn came up, coach announced that once you got hit, you could leave the track. (Fair. Makes sense. It was the end of the night) But I'd go to hit, and my teammate would swerve so I would miss her, and then leave the track.

I spoke up. Asked that they quit avoiding me so that I could hit them. The answer came back that my usual targets weren't going to wait.

I agree with that. But I don't feel as though I have the foundation yet to deal with someone dodging. I felt they were doing me a disservice by moving. I have not built the skills to hit my target consistantly. I have not learned to recover from going at someone and having them move and still stay on the track. I will, but it will take practice.

I didn't feel like my teammates were interested in helping me to improve, I felt like they were interested in going home and avoiding taking a hit.

I try to take into account the skill level of the person I am working with. I like to help people improve thier skills even if it means I will fall. Is it wrong of me to ask the same?

Wishes

I wish I could tell you that things are fixed. That somehow I have worked through everything that was bothering me and that I'm back to true normal.

Instead I feel like I am getting frayed at the edges. Unravelling. Having technical difficulties. From my skates, whose moving parts finally wore out, to my computer, the upgrade of which knocked out my internet and printer.

I won't get into work even though I want to. Really really bad. I will say though that I am feeling insecure and that things aren't really going swimmingly. I am having flashbacks to the last casino, to the chiropractor, and to the construction receptionist position. All three led  to a career change. Two out of three were not my choice. I'm the new kid on the block with a prexisting reputation for run ins with fellow employees. I wake up every day and I put on a happy face. I tell myself its going to be a great day and that I am going to do a great job.

I have made Manland far more complicated than it has to be. I know I have and I don't know what to do about it. When I figure it out, I'll fill you all in on the madness. It's easy to say "follow your heart". So easy. My heart says something different every day.

I'm a fixer. I fix things. I get really lost and out of place when I don't know how to fix something. I tend to get overwhelmed and not even try. I ignore the problem until I get a sudden burst of inspiration. I can't do that with my life, I have to keep on truckin. Except that I am. I'm not dealing with my issues, I'm waiting to figure out what to do.

I'm afraid to make a mistake. I have made so many. Careerwise. in Manland. Especially in Manland. Every mistake makes it hard to make more. Because every mistake makes me a little more broken. And I end up at my desk doing my best not to break down into tears.

It's not about being proud to be an American

I don't think that I have to point out that Osama Bin Laden was, in the eyes of America and a good portion of the rest of the world, a bad guy. A really bad guy. Evil Villian would probably fit if we gave those degnations to real people.

I do not support anything he did while he was alive.

But I can't be glad that he is dead. I can't bring myself to dance in the streets and cheer. I won't fault you for doing it. I understand why.

But I also remember that there were people who danced in the street and cheered after 911. Not for the deaths of the individuals, but for the hit that America took. I remember feeling hurt that someone could celebrate the loss of so much life.

I watched the towers fall. Watched with horror as people jumped from windows. It shocked me to know that anyone would plan the mass destruction that I witnessed that day. I know those people and those families deserve justice and closure.

This isn't about that.

It's about celebrating life, not death. We all die. We don't have a choice in that. And while I will not celebrate the life that Osama lived, a life filed with hatred towards a country that I love, where I am proud and honored to live. A man who hated me without even knowing me. No, I will not celebrate his life. But I will also choose not to celebrate his death.

Ultimately, this man, who we called a monster, was doing what he thought was right for his people and his faith. Putting it that way, he doesn't sound like such a horrible person. He was doing what we all do; the best we can for the ones we love.

I DO NOT AGREE WITH HIM. At all. not even a little bit. But I can look at his life and understand that he thought he was doing right.

And now he is dead. Gone. Sleeping, as a coworker mentioned, with the fishes. I'm not sorry to see him go. But I won't celebrate his passing.