I still love you. and want you. and need you.

How do I begin this post except with barely contained tears?

Most days I am ok. Lately it's been more difficult.

There are few people in my life who I have loved as deeply as my Becky.

We never called her Mom. We tried, once, just after they got married. But it didn't fit right. We had always called her Becky. She would always be Becky. OUR Becky.

I know she loves us like her own. And we love her the same. She is ours. And always will be.

I never knew then how much she made sure we had a relationship with our father who, I don't think, ever really knew what to do with two daughters. She did. We played with shrinky dinks. Lee Press on Nails. She washed our hair in the sink. She let us try on her rabbit fur coat.

They were a pair. But everything wasn't as perfect as I thought. I learned that as I got older. And even when their marriage ended, I knew it had nothing to do with us. I know she will always love us.

But she has stayed away. I think it's hard for her. I was looking forward to seeing her at my Seester's wedding, but she was a no show.

I later learned that her boyfriend asked that she not have anything to do with anything related to my father. Daddy, can be poisonous. Although I understand, it still hurts. But I respect it. I make no attempts at contact. I know I could track her down if I tried.

That doesn't mean that I don't still love her. That I wouldn't welcome her back into my life with happy tears and open arms. And right now, I could certainly use her wisdom.

In so many ways, I am walking in her shoes. In more ways I am glad I am not. There are so many questions I would like to ask her but I can't. It's been hard, lately, more so than before, to be without her. I hope she knows that I think of her every day. And that I am greatful for her example. I couldn't have asked for a better teacher.

The problem that shouldn't be

The trouble with social networking is that sometimes, people pop up and you may not want them to.

Like old flames.

The kind that didn't burn so bright.

But might still cause trouble.

If you parted friends, there should be no reason to say no.

Except yours aren't the only feelings you consider anymore.

And you feel like a hippocrite because there are other old flames. The kind that did have a bright burning flame.

So you ignore the request for now. And wonder if it is better to ask permission than beg forgiveness. And wonder why you think you have anything that needs forgiving.

Marriage Rant

You know I don't usually get political but the argument just wasn't logical
I tried to post this on facebook but it was too wordy.


So what you are saying is, that the sole purpose of marriage is for procreation. Does that mean that if you aren't going to procreate then you can't get married? Or say you found out that you can't have children. Does that mean you should get divorced? What if a same-sex couple got a donor and procreated. Then they should be have to get married, right? under the aforementioned logic? Or would the donator and the donatee have to get married? What about people who already have kids and don't want (or are beyond the age of having) more? Are you saying that THEY can't get married? Isn't that opening up the possibility of age discrimination too?
Sorry, Mr Lawyer for the defense, that argument doesn't hold water with me. It's all wet.

Conversations with Cheese

Me: My Crabs are still alive (insert smiley)

Cheese: What?!?!?!?!?!

Me: I thought I lost two

Cheese: Lost two? Crabs? Uh, What?

Me: Hermit crabs. Office pets. I thought you knew about them.

Cheese: Nope!! Got me all scared and lost and... Whew.
talking about appointment then crabs. And losing two. I was like, what? She has crabs and counts them. Weird. LOL. I understand now.

Me: I am SO blogging that conversation

Some background, I came into work today and one crab was not moving and the other didn't appear to be either. it took me all day to get up th ecourage to reach in there because I knew it was going to be gross. Both are large crabs. Since Wally was running around I knew he was fine.

I looked into the top of the tank and Chester was hanging almost all the way out. Still not moving. Spritzing didn't do anything. I picked up his shell, he fell out. I was like, EEW! But looked into the empty shell and there was Chester. He had molted. (YAY) Major is also fine. Phew. I'm still a good crab keeper.

More on the crabby subject: There is a philosphy out there that says that when you die, your pets will be waiting for you and you will cross the Rainbow Bridge together and have eternity to play.

What if you weren't a good pet parent? What if you die and your pets were mad at you? I have this terrible vision of being chased across the bridge by angry hermit crabs. Without the shell because they are SO MUCH creepier that way. I know I would have Chango and Baby to care for me, and many other pets, (That Pixl could do some damamge) but EEK! the Crabs! and the spiders! EEK!

The moral of the story, kids, is be a good pet parent...

The rest was smooth

I was greeted the next day with a hug, which was awesome. Well, a hug and a boob grab, but we can work on boundaries next time. Cheese said he didn't talk to her so she must have seen by the fact that he didn't leave her to go sleep with me that he wanted to spend time with her. I think she needed to see that he wouldn't always leave her at night to go be with me. The rest of the weekend went pretty good. Kidlet was mostly distracted by other kids and when she wasn't, we found things to occupy her. I even had her help package soap a little. She really seemed to like that. I told her that she can help trim when she is 6. That gives her a timeline. And I think by that time she will be old enough to safely handle a potato peeler. 

We talked, Cheese and I, (and it was good) during the time when Kidlet was at the party. It was nice to have a little bit of time alone with him without feeling guilty about having "pawned her off". All in all, I think we just need a balance. And I keep telling myself that it will be easier when he is local because we can get on a schedule. And those moments alone will be less precious because there will be more of them. We are talking about taking camping trips East so that we can spend time with her. Things might get a little off over the next month or so because the Ex has moved in with her parents until the baby comes and that means that any time he is in town she will expect him to have the kidlet. Thank goodness he is almost completely moved out of that house. I am hoping that she will come to understand that he needs a small amount of time to himself before he takes over kid duty. I don't think she does, but I am hoping. If he chooses to spend that time with me, then great, but if not, I understand that after several days of constant company, you need a moment of self time.

Yes, I know she needs it too. And that with kids, you don't get a lot of that. but I also think it's a lot to ask of a person to come in from work and immedietly take over kid duty until it's time to go back to work. Just sayin, that's all.

Yup, this next month should be interesting out here in Bananaland...

I don't know what hurt the most

Watching Cheese's daughter's face go from delight to dislike or hearing her say, "I thought you were my dad's...girlfriend, but you don't like to be called that"

All I could do was look at him and tell him they need to watch what they say around her.

Because I know that in her 4 year old mind what she really hears is, "You don't like my dad". It's not her fault. She doesn't understand things like baggage and taking it slow. And who knows what has been said about me in front of her. That she can't stay over at my house? That her dad wants to be with me instead of spending time with her?

Kids listen. They remember. And because they don't understand context and they don't know that there might be more to the story, they make up their minds about things based on the information they process.

Right now, there's a little girl sleeping a couple of miles away that doesn't like me very much. Knowing that makes me glad she was asleep when I got there. And even more glad that I'm not ok with staying over.

But tomorrow, I will have to take a deep breath and spend time with her knowing that she considers me competition for her dad's attention. I will have to know that even though I don't want to be, I am. And that when he drops her off for the party, she will think she's being left. again.

proceeding with caution.

Wanna see my evil side?

http://reasonsimgoingtohell.blogspot.com/

with my wifey.

sometimes, there might be reasons I'm NOT going to hell. I can't vouch for the wife there.