Watching an old episode of House featuring a woman who blogs her whole life. Everything. She feels that unless she included it, she's lying to her readers.
Sometimes, I have a lot to say. Sometimes, I don't say much at all.
There's a lot I don't say.
I'm very careful what I say about my relationship with HM. I am careful because he would not want his personal life broadcast over the internet. I've already been through the ugliness of a person (or two) who read my blog, saw what I wrote while I was angry or frustrated. There have been hurt feelings, there has been anger. And I learned my lesson from that. I'm not willing to risk him.
I have also learned to be careful what I say about my other relationships. We are human and we are going to have hiccups with each other. My next post, actually, will talk about one.
I can talk all day about my blood clots and crazy shit I do. I try to only talk about the things that affect me directly. I think I have discussed not telling other people's stories.
The internet is no longer anonymous. If I hate my job, I can't complain about it, lest my bosses happened to google me. I'm pretty sure they have. My last job had their eye on my little corner of the internet. i don't blame them.
For the record, I like my job. It's challenging and at time difficult. More than I ever thought it would be. But I like it. I'm thankful for the challenge and the opportunity.
So, I don't post everything. And I am glad. I don't post everything to Facebook either. But i still like to write.
Showing posts with label Just stuff. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Just stuff. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Monday, August 05, 2013
Where I'm at
I'm in a funny spot, overall.
In many ways, things are just fine. No real complaints. I'm a complainer, so I will always have SOME sort of complaint. But nothing that is really solid. Things are pretty darn good.
But jobwise, I need to start looking at where I want to be in 5 years. I haven't really done that before. Actually, I've been just allowing life to happen because it seems like every time I make a plan, it gets derailed.
It's been awhile since things have gone upside down and I am feeling confident that they will remain even keel. I have a more settled lifestyle than I did before. I make different decisions.
Bubbly Creations will always remain plan A. And I am fired up these days to make a go of it. Work harder and smarter on marketing and other places that I tend to ignore. I'm also finally ready to start leveraging the assistance of the people who have been offering it over the last 8 years. If I want to be successful, I need to use my tools. And I can't keep trying to do it on my own.
Plan B? I don't know yet. I know that BC is not going to sustain me or to get me ahead soon enough for me to do it full time until all that work I should have started years ago flowers. That might take a year or two. In the mean time, I still have a mortgage and credit cards to pay and a lifestyle to maintain. Even simple lifestyles cost money.
So I will start working on Plan B too. Where do I want to be in 5 years? I'm not sure. But it's not where I am at. There's nothing wrong with my job, I am grateful for it, but I know I am capable of more. So much more. So my plan is to look at the opportunities at the company where I work and see what is available. To choose one and make a conscious effort at getting to that level, whatever that level might be. I have ideas about where I DON'T want to be, but until I know what else I want to do, I can't move forward.
I've never done that before. I've always gone elsewhere when I needed to better my position. It's possible that I will need to do just that. Moving companies though, that means starting over. Getting to know a new group of people. Proving my worth all over. Waiting for medical coverage and vacation days. Also, it feels like when I move companies I take a step back in many ways. I don't want to take any more steps back. Forward.
Forward so that I can do things like put a new roof on the house. Fix the fence. Landscape? Oh landscaping would be lovely. 5 years, make my house a better one and buy something new(er). Something with built in sprinklers and maybe air conditioning. Rent out the Elfin Cottage to a little family starting out and not sweat including the refrigerator and washer/dryer set in the rent. Make sure they have a good water heater since the one in the house now was purchased at a store that went out of business close to 20 years ago. Have the money in the bank that will cover a new dishwasher if they need it or anything else that might go sideways. I've been told that the number to hit is $10,000. I'm partway there.
Forward so that I can take a vacation once in awhile. A friend of mine is going to Thailand in October. I could go, but it would empty my savings account. Worth it for the experience, but not for the stress of losing my cushion. Also, that would put me behind in the goal I set out above.
Forward. In 5 years I'll be 41. I don't feel that old. It's not old. But life keeps moving even if I don't want to. I have to move with it. And that's where I'm at. Today.
In many ways, things are just fine. No real complaints. I'm a complainer, so I will always have SOME sort of complaint. But nothing that is really solid. Things are pretty darn good.
But jobwise, I need to start looking at where I want to be in 5 years. I haven't really done that before. Actually, I've been just allowing life to happen because it seems like every time I make a plan, it gets derailed.
It's been awhile since things have gone upside down and I am feeling confident that they will remain even keel. I have a more settled lifestyle than I did before. I make different decisions.
Bubbly Creations will always remain plan A. And I am fired up these days to make a go of it. Work harder and smarter on marketing and other places that I tend to ignore. I'm also finally ready to start leveraging the assistance of the people who have been offering it over the last 8 years. If I want to be successful, I need to use my tools. And I can't keep trying to do it on my own.
Plan B? I don't know yet. I know that BC is not going to sustain me or to get me ahead soon enough for me to do it full time until all that work I should have started years ago flowers. That might take a year or two. In the mean time, I still have a mortgage and credit cards to pay and a lifestyle to maintain. Even simple lifestyles cost money.
So I will start working on Plan B too. Where do I want to be in 5 years? I'm not sure. But it's not where I am at. There's nothing wrong with my job, I am grateful for it, but I know I am capable of more. So much more. So my plan is to look at the opportunities at the company where I work and see what is available. To choose one and make a conscious effort at getting to that level, whatever that level might be. I have ideas about where I DON'T want to be, but until I know what else I want to do, I can't move forward.
I've never done that before. I've always gone elsewhere when I needed to better my position. It's possible that I will need to do just that. Moving companies though, that means starting over. Getting to know a new group of people. Proving my worth all over. Waiting for medical coverage and vacation days. Also, it feels like when I move companies I take a step back in many ways. I don't want to take any more steps back. Forward.
Forward so that I can do things like put a new roof on the house. Fix the fence. Landscape? Oh landscaping would be lovely. 5 years, make my house a better one and buy something new(er). Something with built in sprinklers and maybe air conditioning. Rent out the Elfin Cottage to a little family starting out and not sweat including the refrigerator and washer/dryer set in the rent. Make sure they have a good water heater since the one in the house now was purchased at a store that went out of business close to 20 years ago. Have the money in the bank that will cover a new dishwasher if they need it or anything else that might go sideways. I've been told that the number to hit is $10,000. I'm partway there.
Forward so that I can take a vacation once in awhile. A friend of mine is going to Thailand in October. I could go, but it would empty my savings account. Worth it for the experience, but not for the stress of losing my cushion. Also, that would put me behind in the goal I set out above.
Forward. In 5 years I'll be 41. I don't feel that old. It's not old. But life keeps moving even if I don't want to. I have to move with it. And that's where I'm at. Today.
Monday, March 18, 2013
The Country Mouse learns a lesson
During my formidable years, as I'm sure I have mentioned, we lived in a house in the country, or, as I often refer to it, in the sticks. It was about 45 minutes to the grocery store, and very little else but dirt, oak trees, and rocks.
Since we lived so far out in the middle of nowhere, we never locked our doors. There just wasn't a need. If someone was coming, the neighbor's dogs went nuts. If we were gone, the neighbors kept an eye on things. They were the kind of neighbors from whom you could borrow a cup of sugar or a stick of butter. And we did. Because the grocery store was 30 minutes away.
Because of this, I tend to trust my neighbors a little too much. Thus far, that's been okay. My garage door gets left open, no one messes with my stuff. During the summer, my front door is open. and...
Wait. This is no longer true.
My purse has been found. Not in the house, but in the neighbor's bushes. Everything was intact except for my video camera and ipod. Since whoever took it didn't bother with the multiple gift cards, credit cards, etc that was in there, I can only assume that it was one of the neighbor kids. This makes me sad. I'm happy that I got the purse back. I am blessed that they didn't steal my identity. But I am hurt that someone would steal from me at all.
And so, I learned, since they took it right out of my house, to lock the door, even when I am home. And to close the garage door and, for the first time, to distrust my neighbors. Clearly, whoever took my purse knew I had good stuff in there, which means they were keeping an eye on my habits.
I'm just simply not in Kansas anymore.
Since we lived so far out in the middle of nowhere, we never locked our doors. There just wasn't a need. If someone was coming, the neighbor's dogs went nuts. If we were gone, the neighbors kept an eye on things. They were the kind of neighbors from whom you could borrow a cup of sugar or a stick of butter. And we did. Because the grocery store was 30 minutes away.
Because of this, I tend to trust my neighbors a little too much. Thus far, that's been okay. My garage door gets left open, no one messes with my stuff. During the summer, my front door is open. and...
Wait. This is no longer true.
My purse has been found. Not in the house, but in the neighbor's bushes. Everything was intact except for my video camera and ipod. Since whoever took it didn't bother with the multiple gift cards, credit cards, etc that was in there, I can only assume that it was one of the neighbor kids. This makes me sad. I'm happy that I got the purse back. I am blessed that they didn't steal my identity. But I am hurt that someone would steal from me at all.
And so, I learned, since they took it right out of my house, to lock the door, even when I am home. And to close the garage door and, for the first time, to distrust my neighbors. Clearly, whoever took my purse knew I had good stuff in there, which means they were keeping an eye on my habits.
I'm just simply not in Kansas anymore.
Friday, February 08, 2013
Growing Pains
I hope that I am always growing. Changing for the better. Getting closer to the person that I want to be.
Call it PMS, over stimulation, over tired, low blood sugar, call it what you want but I recently found myself behaving in a manner that was NOT the person that I want to be. And it made me wonder if that bad attitude has been festering for awhile. Coloring my life in an ugly manner and causing issues with the people that I care about.
Generally, when things go wrong, I ask myself what I did to cause it. Over the last year, I learned that it isn't always me, that other people, in their imperfection, also contribute to the dysfunction of a relationship. This doesn't mean that I do not contribute, only that I may not be the only problem.
Since I can only control myself, I want to do whatever I can do to make sure that I am not being an asshole. It's not always easy.
It doesn't help that when I decide to make a life overhaul, I tend to do it all at once. The strict budgeting is taking it's toll. I didn't think it would be easy, and I think overall it's been easier than I thought it would be, but it's still hard. I have slipped a couple of times, I hear that happens, I know it will get easier. I contacted another possible roommate today. That will help a lot. 1 year of roommate will knock out 1 credit card plus about half of the other (as long as I continue to pay what I am paying on them and don't add more debt). 15 months of roommate will pay them off completely if I add another $50 in payments each month (which I already started doing to cover the fun I had for the New Year). I really like how that story goes. Will it actually work that way? probably not. But I can do my best. Realistically, 2.5 years with a roommate should pay off both cards. I am not counting tax returns or bonuses in this amount. I AM taking into account travel expenses.
I started going to the gym again, which seems to be working to helping my mood and focus, but that takes time away from the dog. So I am trying to take him for more walks, and now that I'm home before dark and it's warming up, hopefully we can start meeting his doggy friends again.
My interpersonal relationships are... A little messy right now. Some are great! Others, need something. Vitamins? Medication? Communication? CPR? I'm not sure. And I don't know if I am equipped to give any of those things. I do know that I have started to question the kind of friend that I am. And I worry that I'm not a good one. I think I need to try harder and give more. I just don't know how. I do know that in some cases, I'm seeing the same patterns that I have seen since elementary school. I think I need to fix that. I need to be more appreciative of the people I have. All of them, not just the ones that I see all the time. I've said it before, no one person should have to carry the burden of being my only friend. If it sounds terrible to hear that I may have to put people on my to-do list, please understand that this is how I make them a higher priority in my life. by reminding myself to give attention to the people who are important to me.
I know I need to re prioritize many things. I talk about it a lot, and always intend to fix the priorities. And in some ways, I'm working on it. It's just easier sometimes to slip into old habits.
Friends, of any sort, I need to foster those. Learn to have more than one or two friends at a time. When was the last time I sent love to one of my friends south of here? When was the last time I sent a text just to say "hello"? When was the last time I planned an outing instead of waiting for someone to invite me to theirs?
Derby, I need to give less. It's become a bad relationship. The kind where I give more than I get. I don't think I will give it up completely any time soon, but it also doesn't need to consume as much of my energy as it does. I need to set boundaries here.
BC needs more of me.
Chango needs more of me too.
I should be writing this down on some sort of goal list. and making a plan.
I need more of me, but I am making progress here. I've been doing a lot of "nothing" lately (if nothing is knitting and watching TV) and it feels good. But I need to balance it out and not spend my entire weekend watching Toddlers and Tiaras. I need to set boundaries here too.
So, here is where I am beginning. Hopefully this will work. I've split my obvious issues into categories. Friends, Derby, BC, Chango, Self, Home. I'm going to allocate time to all of those things. Not daily, maybe not even weekly. But if I want to change, I have to start somewhere. And it will help to see where I am spending my time. and how I am spending it.
Step 2 ????
Step three, MONEY!!
I know. I'm a fruitcake. But after all that seriousness, I needed a smile. I found this free online printable. It's an appointment book page which won't actually fit in my appointment book, but at least I can use it to plan out my time. Actually, I think I am going to hang it on my studio wall. I printed 5. I don't want to waste paper in case I stop using it, but at least I can use it in conjuntion with my regualr planner.
Here's to change and trying to be a better me
Call it PMS, over stimulation, over tired, low blood sugar, call it what you want but I recently found myself behaving in a manner that was NOT the person that I want to be. And it made me wonder if that bad attitude has been festering for awhile. Coloring my life in an ugly manner and causing issues with the people that I care about.
Generally, when things go wrong, I ask myself what I did to cause it. Over the last year, I learned that it isn't always me, that other people, in their imperfection, also contribute to the dysfunction of a relationship. This doesn't mean that I do not contribute, only that I may not be the only problem.
Since I can only control myself, I want to do whatever I can do to make sure that I am not being an asshole. It's not always easy.
It doesn't help that when I decide to make a life overhaul, I tend to do it all at once. The strict budgeting is taking it's toll. I didn't think it would be easy, and I think overall it's been easier than I thought it would be, but it's still hard. I have slipped a couple of times, I hear that happens, I know it will get easier. I contacted another possible roommate today. That will help a lot. 1 year of roommate will knock out 1 credit card plus about half of the other (as long as I continue to pay what I am paying on them and don't add more debt). 15 months of roommate will pay them off completely if I add another $50 in payments each month (which I already started doing to cover the fun I had for the New Year). I really like how that story goes. Will it actually work that way? probably not. But I can do my best. Realistically, 2.5 years with a roommate should pay off both cards. I am not counting tax returns or bonuses in this amount. I AM taking into account travel expenses.
I started going to the gym again, which seems to be working to helping my mood and focus, but that takes time away from the dog. So I am trying to take him for more walks, and now that I'm home before dark and it's warming up, hopefully we can start meeting his doggy friends again.
My interpersonal relationships are... A little messy right now. Some are great! Others, need something. Vitamins? Medication? Communication? CPR? I'm not sure. And I don't know if I am equipped to give any of those things. I do know that I have started to question the kind of friend that I am. And I worry that I'm not a good one. I think I need to try harder and give more. I just don't know how. I do know that in some cases, I'm seeing the same patterns that I have seen since elementary school. I think I need to fix that. I need to be more appreciative of the people I have. All of them, not just the ones that I see all the time. I've said it before, no one person should have to carry the burden of being my only friend. If it sounds terrible to hear that I may have to put people on my to-do list, please understand that this is how I make them a higher priority in my life. by reminding myself to give attention to the people who are important to me.
I know I need to re prioritize many things. I talk about it a lot, and always intend to fix the priorities. And in some ways, I'm working on it. It's just easier sometimes to slip into old habits.
Friends, of any sort, I need to foster those. Learn to have more than one or two friends at a time. When was the last time I sent love to one of my friends south of here? When was the last time I sent a text just to say "hello"? When was the last time I planned an outing instead of waiting for someone to invite me to theirs?
Derby, I need to give less. It's become a bad relationship. The kind where I give more than I get. I don't think I will give it up completely any time soon, but it also doesn't need to consume as much of my energy as it does. I need to set boundaries here.
BC needs more of me.
Chango needs more of me too.
I should be writing this down on some sort of goal list. and making a plan.
I need more of me, but I am making progress here. I've been doing a lot of "nothing" lately (if nothing is knitting and watching TV) and it feels good. But I need to balance it out and not spend my entire weekend watching Toddlers and Tiaras. I need to set boundaries here too.
So, here is where I am beginning. Hopefully this will work. I've split my obvious issues into categories. Friends, Derby, BC, Chango, Self, Home. I'm going to allocate time to all of those things. Not daily, maybe not even weekly. But if I want to change, I have to start somewhere. And it will help to see where I am spending my time. and how I am spending it.
Step 2 ????
Step three, MONEY!!
I know. I'm a fruitcake. But after all that seriousness, I needed a smile. I found this free online printable. It's an appointment book page which won't actually fit in my appointment book, but at least I can use it to plan out my time. Actually, I think I am going to hang it on my studio wall. I printed 5. I don't want to waste paper in case I stop using it, but at least I can use it in conjuntion with my regualr planner.
Here's to change and trying to be a better me
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Those things I didn't learn in Kindergarden
After several months of being on the Flylady system, I fell off. Not because it isn't still a great system, but because it got hard to keep up, And my daily list of things to do kept getting longer and longer. They were no longer fitting on an index card.
So I stopped making them. Things stopped getting done. And I felt like a failure every time I looked at one of my little bullitin boards where my index cards go.
I remembered pretty quickly that as a list maker, I need my lists. BUT I realized that by expecting myself to accomplish an entire list every day, I was setting myself up for failure. I tried to hop back on the train but fell off again. I was overwhemed. I put too many things on my list and I shut down.
I happened across a website one day that talked about working with your inner child to learn how to get things done. We all know that I'm in pretty good touch with my inner child. I understand that she is the essence of who I am so when she throws a fit, I listen. mostly. (hence I didn't buy a car I know I would hate driving) BUT like any child I have to make her do her chores.
I recently started over at the beginning. Baby steps, you know? The crap we were all supposed to learn when we were 3 that for some reason never stuck with me. The stuff that should have me calling Nanny McPhee
"Clean up after yourself"
Easy peasy, right? But even that little bit of discipline is hard for me sometimes. It's weird for me to admit that I don't pick up after myself. That I tend not to put my toys away. I am not a dirty person. I like things neat and clean, and yet I let it pile up, finding excuses why it doesn't get done.
I'm proud to say that since I've been focusing on that simple thing, my kitchen has stayed clean. And the stuff that has piled up (ahem, laundry) I'm knocking out 5 items at a time. Whether it's putting away 5 pairs of socks from my laundry basket each time I walk into my room, or putting away 5 hair baubles I've left on the shelf in my bathroom. If it doesn't happen, I don't beat myself up.
The other stuff is still getting done. I've created a new and ongoing list that goes with me everywhere. When something pops into my head, I write it on my list and deal with it later. It seems to be working. For now. Thanks to my list, I have been forgetting less stuff and have been becoming more of the person that I want to be. I don't have to worry about the fact that the kitchen needs to be cleaned, so I am able to remember to grab my coat on a cold day.
The little things I (for some reason) never learned. I'm amazed at all the lessons I managed to miss.
So I stopped making them. Things stopped getting done. And I felt like a failure every time I looked at one of my little bullitin boards where my index cards go.
I remembered pretty quickly that as a list maker, I need my lists. BUT I realized that by expecting myself to accomplish an entire list every day, I was setting myself up for failure. I tried to hop back on the train but fell off again. I was overwhemed. I put too many things on my list and I shut down.
I happened across a website one day that talked about working with your inner child to learn how to get things done. We all know that I'm in pretty good touch with my inner child. I understand that she is the essence of who I am so when she throws a fit, I listen. mostly. (hence I didn't buy a car I know I would hate driving) BUT like any child I have to make her do her chores.
I recently started over at the beginning. Baby steps, you know? The crap we were all supposed to learn when we were 3 that for some reason never stuck with me. The stuff that should have me calling Nanny McPhee
"Clean up after yourself"
Easy peasy, right? But even that little bit of discipline is hard for me sometimes. It's weird for me to admit that I don't pick up after myself. That I tend not to put my toys away. I am not a dirty person. I like things neat and clean, and yet I let it pile up, finding excuses why it doesn't get done.
I'm proud to say that since I've been focusing on that simple thing, my kitchen has stayed clean. And the stuff that has piled up (ahem, laundry) I'm knocking out 5 items at a time. Whether it's putting away 5 pairs of socks from my laundry basket each time I walk into my room, or putting away 5 hair baubles I've left on the shelf in my bathroom. If it doesn't happen, I don't beat myself up.
The other stuff is still getting done. I've created a new and ongoing list that goes with me everywhere. When something pops into my head, I write it on my list and deal with it later. It seems to be working. For now. Thanks to my list, I have been forgetting less stuff and have been becoming more of the person that I want to be. I don't have to worry about the fact that the kitchen needs to be cleaned, so I am able to remember to grab my coat on a cold day.
The little things I (for some reason) never learned. I'm amazed at all the lessons I managed to miss.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
As time goes by
I'm sure I have mentioned it numerous times in the last couple of weeks, but it's been 5 years since I moved from my comfy little apartment to this wild adventure that is Northern Nevada. You know, because it's like the wild west up here...
Things haven't really gone the way I planned, except that they kind of did.
The job I came up here for? Didn't work out. In a big dramatic way. And I had to take a pay cut to get another one. BUT
If I had stayed in San Diego, I would have been laid off.
My years with PetSmart (ooh! big reveal!) were some of the happiest working years I have ever had. They were a good employer and the building I worked in had a good attitude overall. I looked forward to going to work every day.
I was still able to buy a house.
I got my dog.
I've met some really great people and had some really good times.
Sure, it hasn't always been all hearts and flowers, I've had some really tough times. It's been really hard to be away from my family, knowing that my nieces are growing up hardly knowing me. Needing my mom. Needing my siblings. Needing the friends I have had since I was young. There's just something comfortable and different, something unexplainable about being around the people who know you best. And love you anyway.
At the same time, I am so fortunate, so incredibly blessed to have found the people here that I have kept in my life. Some have left and come back, some I miss a lot. We aren't talking about them right now.
It's been a good, solid, overall happy 5 years. I wonder what the next 5 will bring?
Things haven't really gone the way I planned, except that they kind of did.
The job I came up here for? Didn't work out. In a big dramatic way. And I had to take a pay cut to get another one. BUT
If I had stayed in San Diego, I would have been laid off.
My years with PetSmart (ooh! big reveal!) were some of the happiest working years I have ever had. They were a good employer and the building I worked in had a good attitude overall. I looked forward to going to work every day.
I was still able to buy a house.
I got my dog.
I've met some really great people and had some really good times.
Sure, it hasn't always been all hearts and flowers, I've had some really tough times. It's been really hard to be away from my family, knowing that my nieces are growing up hardly knowing me. Needing my mom. Needing my siblings. Needing the friends I have had since I was young. There's just something comfortable and different, something unexplainable about being around the people who know you best. And love you anyway.
At the same time, I am so fortunate, so incredibly blessed to have found the people here that I have kept in my life. Some have left and come back, some I miss a lot. We aren't talking about them right now.
It's been a good, solid, overall happy 5 years. I wonder what the next 5 will bring?
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Dealing with myself. Part 6 - The now
I still slip. My house is a testament to that. And the other day when I was dusting ( I'm back on the Flylady Program. YAY!!) I realized that I don't really want to dust all that stuff anymore. I looked in the cracks and crevices of my house and realized that I can't see my baseboards anymore. Stuff, has accumulated.
It's been about 10 years since I moved out of that cluttered apartment. Just slightly less since I walked into my storage unit and started cleaning it out, exclaiming with each opened box, "Why in the world have I been holding onto this?" I still have a couple of boxes of stuff that I just can't seem to get rid of. One is letters and such. One holds the She Ra and Crystal Castle I bought on ebay after I moved out of C's place. (and my cabbage patch kid)
I have gotten rid of a lot of accumulation over the last 10 years but I have also accumulated a lot. Although I went through my books recently, I still have many that I haven't looked at in years. Decorations that I bought with intent that never materialized. I have boxes in the garage that I haven't unpacked from moving to Nevada 5 years ago.
I have some cool stuff. But I am ready to have it be other people's cool stuff. Those mason jar glasses I thought were super cool because who doesn't love to drink out of mason jars? getting rid of them. I usually just drink out of a mason jar.
There are several things that are pushing this. And I can't say how long my motivation to de-clutter will last.
1. The last boy? I never invited him over. Partly because he often made me feel ashamed of my neighborhood, often because I know that it tends to smell like bunny, and also because he too is a neat freak (I tend to like those). If we went out, I met him at his place. In a year of dating, he never stayed the night, and came over MAYBE 5 times. I'm erring on the high side. I have wondered how much of my insecurity over my home caused the eventual demise of the relationship. Granted, I didn't think he wanted to come to my house, but I also assumed that he didn't want to. That he was judging my home. Did he give me reasons to feel this way? yes. But I likely built those reasons up to be more unreasonable than they needed to be. When I start dating again (totally not ready.) I would like to feel comfortable having that man over to my house. I would like to open my door and not worry about him immediately thinking I am a slob. In short,I want to be proud of my home.
2. My mother. I was on the phone with my mom the other day and admitted that I had slipped in my diligence with cleaning. She asked if my house looked that that cluttered apartment. It doesn't. But it would certainly be easy to get back to that place. It hurt that she would think that I haven't matured beyond that level of slobbery, but I know she didn't mean it that way.
3. The couch in my living room currently has crafting stuff on it. So I have been sitting on the floor. I like the floor, I vacuum frequently, it gives me the opportunity to snuggle the dog. That doesn't make it right.
4. I've been thinking about getting a roommate. I was browsing the craigslist ads when I thought that I should run the idea by my advisors. As I was typing it out, I started to ask whether they would pay to live in my house. My answer to that was no. If I was looking for a room to rent, I wouldn't rent mine. My spare room is the cleanest room in my house. It would take less than 20 minutes to get it roomer ready if I didn't paint. BUT, I would also be sharing the rest of my house. There's the rub.
I'm having a garage sale. I'm pretty excited about it. maybe I will manage to fill the whole driveway with stuff! I have a pretty big driveway.
It's been about 10 years since I moved out of that cluttered apartment. Just slightly less since I walked into my storage unit and started cleaning it out, exclaiming with each opened box, "Why in the world have I been holding onto this?" I still have a couple of boxes of stuff that I just can't seem to get rid of. One is letters and such. One holds the She Ra and Crystal Castle I bought on ebay after I moved out of C's place. (and my cabbage patch kid)
I have gotten rid of a lot of accumulation over the last 10 years but I have also accumulated a lot. Although I went through my books recently, I still have many that I haven't looked at in years. Decorations that I bought with intent that never materialized. I have boxes in the garage that I haven't unpacked from moving to Nevada 5 years ago.
I have some cool stuff. But I am ready to have it be other people's cool stuff. Those mason jar glasses I thought were super cool because who doesn't love to drink out of mason jars? getting rid of them. I usually just drink out of a mason jar.
There are several things that are pushing this. And I can't say how long my motivation to de-clutter will last.
1. The last boy? I never invited him over. Partly because he often made me feel ashamed of my neighborhood, often because I know that it tends to smell like bunny, and also because he too is a neat freak (I tend to like those). If we went out, I met him at his place. In a year of dating, he never stayed the night, and came over MAYBE 5 times. I'm erring on the high side. I have wondered how much of my insecurity over my home caused the eventual demise of the relationship. Granted, I didn't think he wanted to come to my house, but I also assumed that he didn't want to. That he was judging my home. Did he give me reasons to feel this way? yes. But I likely built those reasons up to be more unreasonable than they needed to be. When I start dating again (totally not ready.) I would like to feel comfortable having that man over to my house. I would like to open my door and not worry about him immediately thinking I am a slob. In short,I want to be proud of my home.
2. My mother. I was on the phone with my mom the other day and admitted that I had slipped in my diligence with cleaning. She asked if my house looked that that cluttered apartment. It doesn't. But it would certainly be easy to get back to that place. It hurt that she would think that I haven't matured beyond that level of slobbery, but I know she didn't mean it that way.
3. The couch in my living room currently has crafting stuff on it. So I have been sitting on the floor. I like the floor, I vacuum frequently, it gives me the opportunity to snuggle the dog. That doesn't make it right.
4. I've been thinking about getting a roommate. I was browsing the craigslist ads when I thought that I should run the idea by my advisors. As I was typing it out, I started to ask whether they would pay to live in my house. My answer to that was no. If I was looking for a room to rent, I wouldn't rent mine. My spare room is the cleanest room in my house. It would take less than 20 minutes to get it roomer ready if I didn't paint. BUT, I would also be sharing the rest of my house. There's the rub.
I'm having a garage sale. I'm pretty excited about it. maybe I will manage to fill the whole driveway with stuff! I have a pretty big driveway.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
It turns into a real problem - Adulthood - part 5
My first apartment was pretty small but I could afford it. How much room does one person need, anyway? 600 square feet at $495 a month wasn't bad at all! (it had some interesting issues though)
The funny thing about your first home is that people suddenly have stuff they can give you. A lot of my first furniture came from Seester who was moving out of her place and in with cousins while she finished school. She also bought me my first set of drinking glasses, pots and pans, and several other home items she knew I would need. I had a few things from starting my "hope chest".
It didn't take me long to get a cat (added to the parakeet I already had). Not long after that, D moved in. Then he got his own cat. We were broke. If someone offered us something, we accepted. His mom gave us a lot of food (which tended to be left in the living room until put away. She was a compulsive coupon shopper). I recall that the living room was usually neat (D is a very tidy individual) but the bedroom was a mess. The closet was full of clothes, on the floor, on the rack. D actually had more clothes than I did so I was able to blame this on him.
Then we moved out separately and I had more room. So I filled it. I had a better job and suddenly had disposable income. I shopped. If I was unhappy, I would go to the mall. I'd hit the craft store, Wal Mart, anywhere, and buy things just because I could. My new, bigger place was a mess. To save money, I invited D and his new roommate to move in. He was able to have an escape area in the dining room, which he took over as his office. Everywhere else though, it was kind of a miracle it you could walk. I would joke that it was possible that I could trip and die in my computer area. There wasn't a path, there were places I could step and hit carpet. In the bedroom, was the "volcano"; a mass of clothing that was piled in a tub, roughly cone shaped. We still joke about the volcano.
I didn't think it was that bad because my friends would still come over. The roommates didn't complain. Even the eventual new roommates didn't complain. I eventually got rid of the volcano and kept up my bedroom, but the rest of the house, well...
It wasn't until I started packing up to move in with C that I realized just how bad it had gotten. I had already put restrictions on my purchases, which I still follow (mostly. sometimes I slip.) but I had lived in that apartment for 5 years. There was a lot of accumulation. I discovered bags of new stuff that I had purchased and never put away. Things that I had two of because I had forgotten that I already had one. I got rid of a lot, but still had a storage unit. All my stuff wasn't going to fit at C's house.
The funny thing about your first home is that people suddenly have stuff they can give you. A lot of my first furniture came from Seester who was moving out of her place and in with cousins while she finished school. She also bought me my first set of drinking glasses, pots and pans, and several other home items she knew I would need. I had a few things from starting my "hope chest".
It didn't take me long to get a cat (added to the parakeet I already had). Not long after that, D moved in. Then he got his own cat. We were broke. If someone offered us something, we accepted. His mom gave us a lot of food (which tended to be left in the living room until put away. She was a compulsive coupon shopper). I recall that the living room was usually neat (D is a very tidy individual) but the bedroom was a mess. The closet was full of clothes, on the floor, on the rack. D actually had more clothes than I did so I was able to blame this on him.
Then we moved out separately and I had more room. So I filled it. I had a better job and suddenly had disposable income. I shopped. If I was unhappy, I would go to the mall. I'd hit the craft store, Wal Mart, anywhere, and buy things just because I could. My new, bigger place was a mess. To save money, I invited D and his new roommate to move in. He was able to have an escape area in the dining room, which he took over as his office. Everywhere else though, it was kind of a miracle it you could walk. I would joke that it was possible that I could trip and die in my computer area. There wasn't a path, there were places I could step and hit carpet. In the bedroom, was the "volcano"; a mass of clothing that was piled in a tub, roughly cone shaped. We still joke about the volcano.
I didn't think it was that bad because my friends would still come over. The roommates didn't complain. Even the eventual new roommates didn't complain. I eventually got rid of the volcano and kept up my bedroom, but the rest of the house, well...
It wasn't until I started packing up to move in with C that I realized just how bad it had gotten. I had already put restrictions on my purchases, which I still follow (mostly. sometimes I slip.) but I had lived in that apartment for 5 years. There was a lot of accumulation. I discovered bags of new stuff that I had purchased and never put away. Things that I had two of because I had forgotten that I already had one. I got rid of a lot, but still had a storage unit. All my stuff wasn't going to fit at C's house.
Monday, August 20, 2012
No, I really do have a problem, pt 4, the teen years
We moved out when I was nearly 15 to start a new life. Money was tight so a trip to the Dollar Store was a huge treat. We were each allowed to pick out one thing each week so I would often choose lipstick (red) eyeliner (black) or a scrunchie. (it was the 90's, what do you want?) My dad started buying my school clothes my freshman year so my days of hand me downs was over (for a bit).
It was easy that first year not to gather. Any money I made babysitting was squirreled away to pay for driver's ed courses. From that apartment we moved into a larger condo and I had my own room for the first time. I started gathering things again. From fabric for my blooming sewing interest to clothes to books, to little science experiments (that attracted ants) my room would go from disaster to meticulously clean. Most of the time, as long as I kept my door shut and didn't attract ants, my mom was fine with my mess.
The difference was though, that now I had started attaching memories to things. I held onto things to remember so and so. Had to keep this, it was a gift from Grandma. A leaf from a tree that fell on me during lunch. (I was a bit of a flower child) I had gotten rid of many of my stuffed animals, but we all know how those gather up again.
As I got older, I started gathering the things I thought I would need when I moved into a place of my own. A hope chest. Then I turned 18 and moved out, and everything I owned fit into a 5 x 10 storage until while I went to Americorps.
Suddenly, I had disposable income. and was walking distance from Target. I could have anything I wanted and bought it. I have never grown out of this. My roommate stopped getting written up for my mess, which wasn't bad, but wasn't good enough for military standards. I think they stopped writing me up too. I really did try during that year and have memories of a fairly clean space.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
It might be an addiction part 1, an introduction
Hello, my name is Gina, and I think I might be addicted to... Stuff.
I love stuff. I want to acquire more. There is stuff everywhere at my house. Some of it is really neat stuff. The acquisition of stuff causes the following results:
Lack of money
Lack of space
too much dusting
and other things too.
Right now, one of my couches is covered in stuff and therefor I have been watching TV on the floor. This makes the dog happy and I like the floor so I don't really mind. Except I really think I should be sitting on my couch sometimes. Or get rid of it.
I do things to try and lessen my clutter. I gave away my dining room table. I took the coffee table out of my living room.
Sometimes, I am absolutely overwhelmed by my stuff. So I ignore it. It gathers in the nooks and crannies of my house. I buy more and add to it. People give me things and it piles up.
I want to stop. The frightening thing is, I used to be worse.
I love stuff. I want to acquire more. There is stuff everywhere at my house. Some of it is really neat stuff. The acquisition of stuff causes the following results:
Lack of money
Lack of space
too much dusting
and other things too.
Right now, one of my couches is covered in stuff and therefor I have been watching TV on the floor. This makes the dog happy and I like the floor so I don't really mind. Except I really think I should be sitting on my couch sometimes. Or get rid of it.
I do things to try and lessen my clutter. I gave away my dining room table. I took the coffee table out of my living room.
Sometimes, I am absolutely overwhelmed by my stuff. So I ignore it. It gathers in the nooks and crannies of my house. I buy more and add to it. People give me things and it piles up.
I want to stop. The frightening thing is, I used to be worse.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Tiny Revolution
Since I listen to NPR a lot and spend WAY too much time on Facebook, it has come to my attention that there is a little revolution going on in this United States (and some in Canada too) called the Occupy Wall Street Movement.
It seems to me, that Americans are (finally) standing up and making thier voices heard about various things that bother them. It seems to me that the purpose of the movement is to remind the government that people like me are the majority. I'm not wealthy, I dream the American Dream, which some days seems farther away than I think. But then, of the 99%, I'm a "lucky" one. My choices have kept me in good jobs with decent paychecks and medical covereage. I have a working car (even if she is old and will have to be replaced soon) and own my home. Did I say dream? I think I am living the American Dream. Maybe I am not part of the 99% after all.
I like that folks are standing up and being heard. I can't go protest for various reasons (firstly, I would like to keep my job. Secondly, I don't want to, and thirdly, I don't know where it is in my town. I'm ok with that) but I think it's important for people to stnad up for thier rights and be heard. It's one of the fabulous things about our great country and I tend to think that the extremes have too much voice in this country. (hello Tea Party).
Something I heard while NPR was invading my dreams this morning bothered me though. In Seattle, the protesters were kicked out of the park they were in because it is illegal to camp there overnight. After the tents were down, jars were being passed around so that new ones could be purchased.
I wasn't there, so I don't know HOW the tents were taken down, but having taken down a lot of tents in my time, I don't see how this would have rendered them unusable. That isn't the point. The news story made it sound like it was the Police's fault the protesters were being moved. And Thank Goodness it all went peacefully.
Then the next story was about how in New York, the police came in to move the protesters because the park needed to be pressure washed and sanitized. But they decided to let them stay and skip the washing and avoid the drama. The protesters feel like they won a battle against the city because they didn't get kicked out of the park.
Let me first say that whatever is going on out there is not the fault of the Police. They, like me, are just doing their jobs. Their job is to uphold the law. That's what your taxes, whether you want them to or not, are paying for and THANK GOODNESS because without those laws and the police officers to uphold them, there would be anarchy. Anarchy is only a good theory when you don't consider the consequences to yourself and your family. Anarchy is for rebellious teenagers and psychotic adults. Are there times when the Police get a little too rough? Yes. And yes, I remember Rodney King and yes I know some protesters have been sprayed with pepper spray and arrested. Guess what? a couple of months ago in Northern Africa, there were some protesters standing up for their rights and demanding governmental change, and they got shot. Now they are dead. And they weren't asking for the government to be "fair", they were asking for basic human rights.
I could be wrong about this movement. Maybe over the years I have snuck too far over to the right wing thinking. It seems to me that fighting against the police though, it doesn't get a whole lot done. Would it hurt the protesters so much to move for a couple of hours so that the park where they are protesting can be maintained? Do you know what that many people can do to landscaping? Are you going to protest when your taxes get raised so that there are funds to replace all that grass? Are there adequate Bathrooms? Because I know how much a large group of people can fill up a port o let and I also know that without bathrooms, people use trees and bushes. Dirty. Disease. Do you know how much global disease is caused by inadequate sanitation? Think Hepatitis and Cholora. If even one person in that crowd has Hepatitis and accidentally contaminates the masses, healthcare costs are REALLY going to skyrocket. You know, since some of those people out there protesting are doing so because they can't afford healthcare.
So protest. Please protest. You have some valid issues and I am SO glad you all are making sure that you are being heard. But maybe know the laws and follow them. GO home at night if you have one or move about the city. Then there will be fewer run ins with the cops. But then again, there will be fewer news stories covering the protests too...
It seems to me, that Americans are (finally) standing up and making thier voices heard about various things that bother them. It seems to me that the purpose of the movement is to remind the government that people like me are the majority. I'm not wealthy, I dream the American Dream, which some days seems farther away than I think. But then, of the 99%, I'm a "lucky" one. My choices have kept me in good jobs with decent paychecks and medical covereage. I have a working car (even if she is old and will have to be replaced soon) and own my home. Did I say dream? I think I am living the American Dream. Maybe I am not part of the 99% after all.
I like that folks are standing up and being heard. I can't go protest for various reasons (firstly, I would like to keep my job. Secondly, I don't want to, and thirdly, I don't know where it is in my town. I'm ok with that) but I think it's important for people to stnad up for thier rights and be heard. It's one of the fabulous things about our great country and I tend to think that the extremes have too much voice in this country. (hello Tea Party).
Something I heard while NPR was invading my dreams this morning bothered me though. In Seattle, the protesters were kicked out of the park they were in because it is illegal to camp there overnight. After the tents were down, jars were being passed around so that new ones could be purchased.
I wasn't there, so I don't know HOW the tents were taken down, but having taken down a lot of tents in my time, I don't see how this would have rendered them unusable. That isn't the point. The news story made it sound like it was the Police's fault the protesters were being moved. And Thank Goodness it all went peacefully.
Then the next story was about how in New York, the police came in to move the protesters because the park needed to be pressure washed and sanitized. But they decided to let them stay and skip the washing and avoid the drama. The protesters feel like they won a battle against the city because they didn't get kicked out of the park.
Let me first say that whatever is going on out there is not the fault of the Police. They, like me, are just doing their jobs. Their job is to uphold the law. That's what your taxes, whether you want them to or not, are paying for and THANK GOODNESS because without those laws and the police officers to uphold them, there would be anarchy. Anarchy is only a good theory when you don't consider the consequences to yourself and your family. Anarchy is for rebellious teenagers and psychotic adults. Are there times when the Police get a little too rough? Yes. And yes, I remember Rodney King and yes I know some protesters have been sprayed with pepper spray and arrested. Guess what? a couple of months ago in Northern Africa, there were some protesters standing up for their rights and demanding governmental change, and they got shot. Now they are dead. And they weren't asking for the government to be "fair", they were asking for basic human rights.
I could be wrong about this movement. Maybe over the years I have snuck too far over to the right wing thinking. It seems to me that fighting against the police though, it doesn't get a whole lot done. Would it hurt the protesters so much to move for a couple of hours so that the park where they are protesting can be maintained? Do you know what that many people can do to landscaping? Are you going to protest when your taxes get raised so that there are funds to replace all that grass? Are there adequate Bathrooms? Because I know how much a large group of people can fill up a port o let and I also know that without bathrooms, people use trees and bushes. Dirty. Disease. Do you know how much global disease is caused by inadequate sanitation? Think Hepatitis and Cholora. If even one person in that crowd has Hepatitis and accidentally contaminates the masses, healthcare costs are REALLY going to skyrocket. You know, since some of those people out there protesting are doing so because they can't afford healthcare.
So protest. Please protest. You have some valid issues and I am SO glad you all are making sure that you are being heard. But maybe know the laws and follow them. GO home at night if you have one or move about the city. Then there will be fewer run ins with the cops. But then again, there will be fewer news stories covering the protests too...
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Another day, another diet
We've heard it before. Every year or so I decide to go on some sort of diet and lose weight and then two days later, I'm binging on cookies.
When my old High School Choirmate suggested that I try a 5 day challenge, it didn't sound half bad. Emily is a Beachbody Coach and I have seen what the programs have done for her. Plus...
It's 5 days. If I can't do something for 5 days, I need to roll over and quit right now. I can get through 5 days on stubborness alone.
Follow the menu. Drink the Shake. Exercise every day. Well, I exercise at least 2 days a week now so what is another 3? Aren't I supposed to be Training for The Tough Mudder?
The menu? didn't look too bad. Actually, it looked pretty yummy. I had to remove a few things that I can't or don't eat, but not as much as you would thinnk considering I prefer to live on steak and cheese.
I measured. on Sunday...
Weight: 158 (WHAT?? I've gotta stop drinking so much cherry vodka)
Waist: 32
Hips: 41
If I was supposed to measure more, I didn't. I also didn't do my fat content because those things can be innacurrate and I didn't want to go all the way to GNC (if it isn't near work, my house, the wreck center or ManCandy's house, I don't want to go. BTW, the nickname on this one really makes me laugh. Not that he isn't. I'm just imagining his face if I called him that out loud) and pay a dollar to have it done. I'd rather use the evil pincers they used to pinch us with in high school PE.
I'm on day three. The only thing I have eaten that wasn't on the list was yellow squash and peas from my garden and olive oil. Last night I wanted something a little sweet so I sprinkled Stevia in my iced tea. There have been no cookies, cupcakes, ice cream sammiches or alchohol.
I have exercised every day. I'm drinking my shakes. When I get hungry, I have a snack (built into my diet). I think I might even cook myself salmon every week because hey, that was pretty tasty!
I expect to take my measurements again this weekend. I'll let you know how it goes. I'm feeling pretty good about it though.
When my old High School Choirmate suggested that I try a 5 day challenge, it didn't sound half bad. Emily is a Beachbody Coach and I have seen what the programs have done for her. Plus...
It's 5 days. If I can't do something for 5 days, I need to roll over and quit right now. I can get through 5 days on stubborness alone.
Follow the menu. Drink the Shake. Exercise every day. Well, I exercise at least 2 days a week now so what is another 3? Aren't I supposed to be Training for The Tough Mudder?
The menu? didn't look too bad. Actually, it looked pretty yummy. I had to remove a few things that I can't or don't eat, but not as much as you would thinnk considering I prefer to live on steak and cheese.
I measured. on Sunday...
Weight: 158 (WHAT?? I've gotta stop drinking so much cherry vodka)
Waist: 32
Hips: 41
If I was supposed to measure more, I didn't. I also didn't do my fat content because those things can be innacurrate and I didn't want to go all the way to GNC (if it isn't near work, my house, the wreck center or ManCandy's house, I don't want to go. BTW, the nickname on this one really makes me laugh. Not that he isn't. I'm just imagining his face if I called him that out loud) and pay a dollar to have it done. I'd rather use the evil pincers they used to pinch us with in high school PE.
I'm on day three. The only thing I have eaten that wasn't on the list was yellow squash and peas from my garden and olive oil. Last night I wanted something a little sweet so I sprinkled Stevia in my iced tea. There have been no cookies, cupcakes, ice cream sammiches or alchohol.
I have exercised every day. I'm drinking my shakes. When I get hungry, I have a snack (built into my diet). I think I might even cook myself salmon every week because hey, that was pretty tasty!
I expect to take my measurements again this weekend. I'll let you know how it goes. I'm feeling pretty good about it though.
Friday, December 18, 2009
A book
So much to say. So much self censure. The things I want to talk about, need to get out of my head and off of my chest so that I can let something healthy fill the fissure in my soul, I can’t. I am too public.
And then I argue with my self. Because I know I am beyond blessed. I am achieving the things I always dreamed of. I have no room for complaint. And yet I ask for more. I try to write about it, and I sound like I am throwing a pity party. I’m tired of those.
I delete my posts and remind myself to Need Less.
I have so much. The wonders, they don’t cease. From the Cookie Thief offering much needed cash to help him paint his kitchen to Bella’s wonderful discovery of an almost new washer and dryer, free, if I just pick them up. And Vic making sure I could. Mandrew hooking up the washing machine. It doesn’t sound like a big thing, but I would have made a larger mess. And I don’t know if I could have gotten the fittings tight enough.
My mom would tell me that I deserve these kindnesses because I’m a good person. I don’t see how I’m any better of a person than anyone else. But I do feel like it’s important to pay it forward.
I have so much. House, food, dog, a good job. The picture is pretty well perfect. The friends I have met here are unbelievable. I miss my family but with the friends I have, that hole in my soul is a little less empty. My cup runneth over.
And yet. That same issue boomerangs back again.
I’m lonely. I shouldn’t be. I have and do so much. I remind myself that it is a biological need and reality to want to have a partner. But I also like to tell myself that I am above that. That I am an evolved creature.
I know better. I am consistently making decisions that leave me curled up on the floor wondering when I’m going to get it right. I knowingly make the choices I make, telling myself that I’m being smart about it this time, and yet the end result is the same. How long will it take for it to stop hurting this time?
I tell myself I need to find the lesson. That it isn’t time right now; I watch the years slip by. I feel more and more like Bridgette Jones every day. Without the vodka and the cigarettes. Especially when people ask me, and they often do, why I am still single. I am not, actually, covered in scales. I don’t have a snappy comeback; I just smile and shrug my shoulders. Then I break a little more inside.
Bella asked me today if there isn’t a reason I choose unavailable men. I have explored this. I have looked over my psyche with a magnifying glass and a nit comb. I have examined the men I have dated in the 5 years since my last long term, real, solid, secure relationship. There are some patterns. I am trying to learn from those. Sometimes, there just aren’t. B. How could I have known he was lying about everything? Hi5. We still talk over messenger sometimes. He says he misses me. He says he made a mistake. He says maybe he wants to see me when he’s in town, or maybe it would be better if he didn’t. Jess. Who told me how wonderful I am, how interested he is in getting to know me better. We’ve scheduled 2 dates. They both got cancelled. He had good reasons. Still I had to wonder if that’s how it would be. It seems when I try and break the pattern, when I try to choose wisely, I’m still wrong. I can only blame myself for so much failure. Sometimes, it’s not my fault. I can’t control what other people do.
That’s where I am right now. Where I have been for the last couple of months since the “I am Woman Hear Me Roar” momentum of Hi5 moving and me buying a house wore off. During the worst of it, I hold my head up high, smile, and if possible, skate it off. It’s hard to focus on my heart when I am concerned about what my feet are doing or where the next hit will come from. I have to admit though, that it doesn’t take much to distract me from my focus and to bring it all back. I try to keep that to myself too. I made a promise.
Until things change though, and they always do, I will do what I always do. Smile. Persevere. And try to remember to count my blessings when I can’t sleep.
Monday, May 11, 2009
On Cougars and Kittens
No woman wants o think she's getting old. I was 27 when T told me I was "No Spring Chicken" (as he broke my heart) but at the time I was able to shake it off. Three years later, I freaked out about turning 30. I got over that too. I'll be 32 this year. I'm ok with that. I'm in better shape than I was in high school (not counting my freshman swim season) I only weigh 5 pounds more than I did when I graduated. I am, understandably, proud of where I'm at physically.
The other night though, I was met with a rather harsh reality. I'm getting older. It hit me like a slap in the face and I'm not really sure what to do about it other than remind myself that in a few days, I'll be laughing about how it ever bothered me.
They called me a Cougar.
A blow to the ego, it was, and the first person who said it was referring to the leopard print trim on my itty bitty dress. But Cougar. Typically an older woman who chases around after much younger men. I think of women in their 40's. MID 40's, not early thirties. Older women hitting on men in their early thirties and twenties. It's not just a noun. It's a verb. A man can be Cougared. I don't hit on men, I only embarrass myself.
Of course, the same fella that said it also called me "easy" a couple of hours later (I've been spreading THAT rumor for years. but it's not quite as funny when a stranger says it) and although he was playing, I had to walk away. Laughing, but I still wandered off. He had trouble written across his face. My picker isn't THAT broken.
I don't have a picture of the dress. Yet.
Today, there was kitty drama. One was stuck up under one of the shipping trailers. We pulled it out and discovered that he had a crushed paw and a gaping wound. I named him Lefty and took him to animal control since he was a stray and I can't afford the surgeries he will need. He can't have been more than 8 weeks old. We have no idea how long he was under that trailer. I have his case number. I will be calling. I don't need another animal. But he needs a home. And I have a soft spot for broken boys three legged critters. I worry though. I worry that they will put him down. After all, they don't really have the funds to fix every broken kitty that comes in. And while I think the paw will likely have to be amputated, there is still recovery, antibiotics, the cost of putting him under. I also don't know what else was wrong with him other than the fact he was REALLY dirty. You would be too if you travelled under you car.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
I dreamed a dream
I don't often chronicle my dreams because well, it can get very boring to read. But this one was very realistic and indicative of the things going on in my life. I will place my comments next to the discussion so you can see why I found it important to mention.
In the dream, I was living with my Aunt and Uncle. The ones that live in Carson. My mother was visiting. (I don't usually see my Aunt and Uncle unless my mother is visiting. I have been having issues with this over the last couple days because they went to go meet my cousins in Santa Cruz for Easter and no one thought to let me know. This happens a lot, actually.) Chango lived there too. Suddenly, more dogs started appearing. They were lost. I felt as though I needed to post "found" ads on craigslist and get them back to their homes but I didn't have time because I had things to do. (I am feeling a little overwhelmed by life. Especially where it correlates to Derby. Between that and life, I feel like I have so much to tend to that nothing is getting done) Then, the kittens I have pledged to foster had been dropped off too. And they pooped on my bed. I only had myself to blame because they weren't box trained and I hadn't given them a box yet. I left the room.
When I returned, I discovered one of the kitties in a tub of cold water. I had been giving her a bath and forgotten about her. (Apparently, I dropped the ball. I am also nervous about fostering another litter after losing Tarzan last year. That still hurts. a lot) I picked her up and snuggled her close in a towel. I had just started to worry about whether she would ever warm up again or whether she would stay cold and die like Tarzan when my phone rang.
It woke me up. I don't remember who called but she was surprised to find me still in bed. (It was one of the girls. She was checking to see if I had picked up her BF's hoodie last night. I am lost and found. Things tend to remain lost in my keeping for a very long time. I get frustrated because people don't keep track of their shit. Then I lose stuff and am humbled.) Last night was a late one; I didn't go to bed until 2. I woke up feeling extremely achey and tired. I found it difficult to get up but I knew that I needed to feed my critters and those of a friend who is out of town for the weekend.
I still need to do my business taxes. I have to be at work again tomorrow at 5:30 am. Then I need to scan those pictures. There is something else too, but I don't remember what. Oh yeah. Chiropractor. Practice tomorrow night, board meeting Tuesday. Event meeting and practice on Wednesday. Maybe I will skip practice tomorrow. I don't want to. Practice is keeping me on the downhill slope to a size 6, among other things. As always, something needs to give. As always, I fear it's my sanity. Or my health. There were things I was supposed to do yesterday to prepare for last nights event. I blew them off and went to the dog park instead. Aside from the twinges of guilt for not following through, it felt GOOD to get outside. GOOD to sit and chat, or not chat while the dogs rolled about. NOT GOOD to get peed on. (embarrassing, but kind of funny if you don't think about how gross that is) GOOD to tend to myself and Chango's needs instead of other people's wants.
I'm at that point again. I'm not sure what to do. If I had known three years ago when I first showed up at the rink that I would end up wondering if Derby was worth my sanity, I probably never would have guessed that it would go this far. With that league, I don't think it would have. This one is needy like a spoiled child. I think it always has been. The skaters want all the wonderful things that derby brings but they aren't willing to work for it. There is a very small group of us who does. We all say the same thing. "I'd love to be able to just skate, but I can't not be involved." "It would be so much easier if I could trust people to get it done." There may be people who will. I need them to step forward. Soon.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Waiting. Again
I'm not the most timely person in the world. That's putting it lightly. But, um, I wait a lot. I know you have things going on, but I do too. And I've been waiting for half an hour. You aren't here yet. And I'm hungry. Last time, I went ahead and ate. Please don't ask this of me every time. I don't want to start weighing the trade offs.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
thanks chickie
Thanks to chickie, I had to get on peepalot. because I'm a follower like that. I think it's a never before (on here) seen picture so um, go find it, I'm scantily clad and wearing fishnets.
http://peepalot.com/r/204
http://peepalot.com/r/204
Friday, March 21, 2008
Times are a changin
Spoke with Poo about the future just now, and it looks like he'll be giving notice when he pays rent. Which means I am on the hunt for temporary place. I'm going to check first with my current complex, I guess they have some studio apartments that they rent out. That way I would be able to keep my garage storage. As soon as I settle into the job, I'll figure the finances and get into a house, so this will only be a temporary solution.
It's a little bit exciting, a little bit scary. I know it's gonna be a lotta bit just fine.
It's a little bit exciting, a little bit scary. I know it's gonna be a lotta bit just fine.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
A good point, really
So, I discovered today that I've been blogging for 3 years and have had over 20,000 hits. Suddenly, I feel like I have hit some sort of milestone.
In other News, Cowboy pointed something out that I really can't deny.
That if I am to work in Patrick, I probably should let the house in Cold Springs go. It would be about 60 miles one way to work. Sure, freeway all the way. But really? Gas is at 4 bucks a gallon.
4 bucks a gallon.
My income at the new job will be considerably lower than I am used to. I haven't made this little in what? 6 years? Not that my new salary is anything to sneeze at, it's just lower, that's all.
So, I may have to swallow my pride and think about moving to Fernley. Yeah, that's where the levee recently broke and flooded the town. shit. Never mind, I don't care if the houses are 50 thousand dollars less. I don't want to live in Ferntuckey. That would put me 45 minutes from anything interesting. 45 minutes is a long time.
But I do think he's right. It's one thing to love a house and another to be silly about it.
In other news, there was a big 'ole blow out this evening going on when I returned in which Poo took back the truck, cancelled the phone, and Clint went tumbling down the stairs. No, he wasn't pushed. I told Poo that I'm glad he finally had enough.
In other News, Cowboy pointed something out that I really can't deny.
That if I am to work in Patrick, I probably should let the house in Cold Springs go. It would be about 60 miles one way to work. Sure, freeway all the way. But really? Gas is at 4 bucks a gallon.
4 bucks a gallon.
My income at the new job will be considerably lower than I am used to. I haven't made this little in what? 6 years? Not that my new salary is anything to sneeze at, it's just lower, that's all.
So, I may have to swallow my pride and think about moving to Fernley. Yeah, that's where the levee recently broke and flooded the town. shit. Never mind, I don't care if the houses are 50 thousand dollars less. I don't want to live in Ferntuckey. That would put me 45 minutes from anything interesting. 45 minutes is a long time.
But I do think he's right. It's one thing to love a house and another to be silly about it.
In other news, there was a big 'ole blow out this evening going on when I returned in which Poo took back the truck, cancelled the phone, and Clint went tumbling down the stairs. No, he wasn't pushed. I told Poo that I'm glad he finally had enough.
The thing of it is...
That every so often I start attracting men. I am, like the rest of my family, a dork magnet. (That announcement made Cowboy say, "Hey!" I wouldn't call him a dork really, but there has to be an element of such or I likely wouldn't be interested. He, on the other hand, attracts Single Moms. I am an exception of course)
The dorks I speak of are like the infamous janitor at the rink who told me once that if he weren't married, he'd be chasing after me. Then he said that if he had all his teeth, you'd never know he is over 50. Today he was openly talking about my butt (My own fault, really, for telling him that I would not like a root beer because it makes my butt big) But oh man, if he weren't married, and oh, don't worry, flirting with me just keeps him from cheating on his wife. Blink, Blink. I'm not sure what gives him the idea that I would date him other than the fact that I answer back when he speaks to me.
Or the fellas on myspace without their shirts on. Who think I should date them. It's true that I met Cowboy online. And that seems to be working pretty well. But I also met Biker Bob online. and that wasn't so good. For either of us.
Or the man who was lurking outside the fabric store today. He told me jokes until I reached the craft store next door. Then he wandered off. This wasn't a pick up, I just attract the crazies.
The dorks I speak of are like the infamous janitor at the rink who told me once that if he weren't married, he'd be chasing after me. Then he said that if he had all his teeth, you'd never know he is over 50. Today he was openly talking about my butt (My own fault, really, for telling him that I would not like a root beer because it makes my butt big) But oh man, if he weren't married, and oh, don't worry, flirting with me just keeps him from cheating on his wife. Blink, Blink. I'm not sure what gives him the idea that I would date him other than the fact that I answer back when he speaks to me.
Or the fellas on myspace without their shirts on. Who think I should date them. It's true that I met Cowboy online. And that seems to be working pretty well. But I also met Biker Bob online. and that wasn't so good. For either of us.
Or the man who was lurking outside the fabric store today. He told me jokes until I reached the craft store next door. Then he wandered off. This wasn't a pick up, I just attract the crazies.
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