I looked him in the eye and I lied

I went to In and Out tonight. I don't really have the money to be buying fast food, and there IS food at my house, but I really wanted a cheeseburger so I stole five bux out of my Europe fund, promised the dog I would be right back, and left

When I arrived, the drive through line was so long I figured I'd waste a burger's worth of gas sitting in it so I went in, passing by a kid at the door on my way.

He looked at me, teenage eyes glowing with embarrassment and asked if I had 75 cents or so.

I looked him in the eye and said, I only have enough for my dinner.

Which isn't completely untrue, a cheeseburger and a chocolate shake is about $5. but I wasn't going to get a shake.

I entered the restaurant and looked around me. I was surrounded by a high school sports team. I don't know if they are connected, but I remembered what it was like to watch your friends eat and not have any money to buy your own. To tell them you aren't hungry. To wish you had a bit of cash so you could pretend you were like them.

I know it was my own issues talking. I know I have no reason to feel guilty, but when I got my change, I went looking for that boy; the need to help overcoming my dislike of begging. He was gone.

But he was back when I left. So I gave him $1, much to his surprise, and muttered something about remembering what it is like to be hungry. I felt a little silly. And who knows, he might have made all sorts of cash out there by the In and Out door. Maybe I'm a sucker.

Or maybe he was hungry.

Life with Blood Thinners

It's about the same, actually.

I'm no longer having pain, and only the occasional swelling, mostly after running at the gym. I'm being careful with myself so there hasn't been any bruising.

My sexy stockings give me thigh high muffin tops.

HM is being good about not pushing the alcohol.

My mother keeps calling to make sure I'm okay.

The Dr bills are starting to roll in. The ER visit is going to cost me thousands. Thousands for sitting there and watching Pawn Stars. For a warm blanket and a short ride in a wheelchair. For the occasional nurse to come in and feel up my leg.

This is after insurance discounts. It does not include the cost of the blood thinner clinic, the doctor, the Urgent Care nurse, the ultrasound tech, follow ups with my PCP, or my visit with my OBGYN to discuss my reproductive stuff going forward.

Don't even get me started on the insurance topic. Despite the fact that I have it, it won't kick in until I have paid $3000 out of pocket. After this, I'll reach that. But it's December. Which means that will reset for next year in just a couple of weeks. 

I'll be looking at secondary employment. I'm going to try going back to Bucks. I had fun there and have experience. It's only temporary, right?

Banishing the rain cloud

I have, of late, been running around with a rain cloud over my head. Not, literally, of course, but I can say that I have had a nasty, negative, stinky attitude about things over the last couple of years. It gathered and it festered until I wasn't saying much that was nice at all.

I'm not going to air my grievances. Firstly, it is not Festivus, and secondly, one does not regain their positivity by dwelling on the negative.

I tried to find the happy. I really did. Bratty would laugh at me as I would announce that I was not going to say anything negative for 10 whole minutes. Sometimes, that was a struggle. Sometimes, I failed at it. Shameful.

This. This Negative Nelly, is not who I am.

I've known for awhile that I need to reprioritize my life as I tend to have too many things going on. And I did start doing that. But it didn't really seem to be helping.

Then I took a road trip.

More about the actual trip later, but let me tell you, about 2 hours outside Reno, having sung for about an hour strait, alone, in my car, I felt the cloud dissipate.

What?

Was it the distance from Reno? Reno can be a pretty negative place. Things (and people) seem to just get stuck here.

Was it the singing? I don't sing very often lately. It's always made me feel better, but I typically listen to NPR because I like to be aware of current events. Plus, there's some interesting stuff on there.

Was it the excitement of seeing my family? Maybe but in that case, I would have noticed it before.

It doesn't matter. All that matters is that I was suddenly feeling like my old bonny self again.

Since I can't really leave the city where I live, I am trying to see it in a more positive light. And I only listen to NPR in the mornings on my way to work. I realized that the state of the world is pretty depressing. And the view of it I was getting was of war and strife. Terror and conflict. I know this isn't the whole world picture, but if you watch or listen to the news, the news reports all the drama. So less news. The afternoons and evenings are for music.

It's working. Although I still get frustrated and sometimes downright angry, I've managed to maintain my positivity. Suddenly, other people seem more positive too. Maybe it's because I'm not bringing the asshole into the equation, maybe it's because I am seeing them in a happier light.

It doesn't matter. Because things are really, really good.

What? you don't need to lose weight!

Thank you for that, Frances.

Many moons ago I talked about how I never really learned to eat properly and how it is a struggle for me to overcome my disorderly eating.

I'm happy to report that things have gotten much better. I tend towards three meals per day and a snack, which works well for me. I've been drinking plenty of water.

Now, I'm learning to eat better (except that I have rediscovered Top Ramen after 20 years of avoiding it). I'm not going to pretend to be eating all my veggies, (I WILL however eat pea crisps by the bagful, so that counts, right?)  but by watching my calorie intake, I am learning to make better choices.

I've also been working out several days per week in an effort to lose some poundage. I know where I want to be, and it's coming off slowly. My measurements are looking good though so even if the scale doesn't go down, I know I am getting to be more healthy.

I want to make good habits.

My coworker Frances insisted today that I don't look like I need to lose any weight, but she doesn't see me without my clothes on (as it should be!). I appreciated her vote of confidence. I also know that I've gotten a bit lazy since I stopped skating full time and I want to be able to recapture that fitness.

Diet. Fitness. Surely there's a third thing I'm supposed to be tending?

The Storyteller

I love to tell stories. Clearly. Sometimes I admit, that my zeal for a good story outshines the interest of the story itself. Maybe the trouble is that I just like to talk.

My father tells stories too. I have many fond memories of laughing for hours as he talked about his around the world adventures. Around the world is a place that I have never been.

Poor Bratty gets the brunt of my stories, you know, since we spend at least 8 hours per day together. Sometimes, I'll be right in the middle of telling her another one when she turns and asks if I am talking to her. That's when I realize that I'm speaking to hear myself speak and it's time to shut up. She isn't being mean, she really just doesn't always know when I am addressing her and not my computer.

A week or two ago, a friend told me something that I would ordinarily repeat. When I opened my mouth to mention it, you know, just telling stories and spreading the news, I stopped myself.

For the first time, I realized that I was about to pass along a story that wasn't mine to tell.

I would never call myself a gossip. Nosey, absolutely. I love to hear a good story as much as I like to tell them. But not a gossip. Gossip is malicious and mean, right? Something I don't want to be.

But it isn't always, is it? In fact, Merriam Webster defines gossip in three ways. a person who habitually reveals personal or sensational facts about others. rumor or report of an intimate nature. and chatty talk. What I thought of as chatty talk though, might have been a rumor or report of an intimate nature. And I had become a person who reveals personal or sensational facts about others.

Wow. That's some ugly lint growing in my navel.

So I have been making a concentrated effort not to be the repeater of intimate details that are not my own. I've caught myself several times. Funny thing is, while I'm not repeating the stories, I find that I'm also a little less nosey. I catch myself perking up at a juicy bit only to walk away with the reminder that it's not my business.

I can tell MY stories all I want. But I don't want to tell other people's stories anymore. It's gotten quieter around here.

Lie to me

It's rare to meet a person who isn't going to lie to you. I can generally tell if someone is fibbing, I just won't say anything. 

Like that guy I dated who lied about just about everything. I knew that his stories didn't line up, but I like to trust people. However, despite my head-in-the-sand mentality, I knew something wasn't right and when the truth came out, I wasn't as hurt as I would have been otherwise. Suddenly, the stories made sense and I was able to see that the entire 5 month relationship had no foundation. I was glad I had refused to meet his kids. A few days later, Chango lay his little puppy head on my shoulder and I lost my heart to a far more reliable male. Dogs will never lie to you. Also, if you give away their children, they don't get upset.

I've learned to trust that instinct. That doesn't mean I always act on it, sometimes to my detriment, but I recognize it and take note. File the information for later use.

That is not the point of this story.

Last night, my gym lied to me.

When I signed up over a month ago, they told me that I would have to meet with a personal trainer whether I wanted to or not. Unfortunately, the soonest available time I could attend a meeting was a month out. I wrote it down, but still forgot. Dangit! The trainer was supposed to give me the little scan card I need to get into the facility instead of having to check in manually with reception every time. Annoying.

Last night, I went out of my way to attend the gym where I signed up so that I could go ahead and get my card. The receptionist told me that only the trainers have them and that I'd have to make another appointment with the sales guy in order to get it.

Let me make this clear. I do not want to pay a personal trainer. My experience with them has not been good and I can generally rely on myself to kick my own butt. Also, I don't need someone to tell me I'm fat because I have a high BMI. While I do need to lose some weight, I'm not actually fat, I'm dense. I do not float, I sink. Most trainers don't want to hear these things, they just want you to buy their services. And I get that, but I'm not interested.

So, after my 45 minutes on the arc trainer, I showed up dripping, to my sales guy's desk. I waited for him to notice me (I love sales people who don't need you after the sale. jerk. Clearly my "he just wants your money" instinct was right on there.) and asked to make another appointment. He responded that they can do that up front. I casually let him know that they had sent me to him and (played a little dumb) announced that I'd go make the appointment with them.

Back up at the front desk, I spoke with the first girl. I told her that Joe had told me I could make an appointment with her. She looked a little baffled. Then opened a drawer and said "Oh look! We have one left!" and produced a scan tag. Then she acted all conspiratorial as she got it assigned to me. Like we were getting away with something.

All I could think was, if you're going to lie to me, at least try to hide it. OR be so obvious about it that we both undertand that you're just following protocall, you know?

Growing Pains

I hope that I am always growing. Changing for the better. Getting closer to the person that I want to be.

Call it PMS, over stimulation, over tired, low blood sugar, call it what you want but I recently found myself behaving in a manner that was NOT the person that I want to be. And it made me wonder if that bad attitude has been festering for awhile. Coloring my life in an ugly manner and causing issues with the people that I care about.

Generally, when things go wrong, I ask myself what I did to cause it. Over the last year, I learned that it isn't always me, that other people, in their imperfection, also contribute to the dysfunction of a relationship. This doesn't mean that I do not contribute, only that I may not be the only problem.

Since I can only control myself, I want to do whatever I can do to make sure that I am not being an asshole. It's not always easy.

It doesn't help that when I decide to make a life overhaul, I tend to do it all at once. The strict budgeting is taking it's toll. I didn't think it would be easy, and I think overall it's been easier than I thought it would be, but it's still hard. I have slipped a couple of times, I hear that happens, I know it will get easier. I contacted another possible roommate today. That will help a lot. 1 year of roommate will knock out 1 credit card plus about half of the other (as long as I continue to pay what I am paying on them and don't add more debt). 15 months of roommate will pay them off completely if I add another $50 in payments each month (which I already started doing to cover the fun I had for the New Year). I really like how that story goes. Will it actually work that way? probably not. But I can do my best. Realistically, 2.5 years with a roommate should pay off both cards. I am not counting tax returns or bonuses in this amount. I AM taking into account travel expenses.

I started going to the gym again, which seems to be working to helping my mood and focus, but that takes time away from the dog. So I am trying to take him for more walks, and now that I'm home before dark and it's warming up, hopefully we can start meeting his doggy friends again.

My interpersonal relationships are... A little messy right now. Some are great! Others, need something. Vitamins? Medication? Communication? CPR? I'm not sure. And I don't know if I am equipped to give any of those things. I do know that I have started to question the kind of friend that I am. And I worry that I'm not a good one. I think I need to try harder and give more. I just don't know how. I do know that in some cases, I'm seeing the same patterns that I have seen since elementary school.  I think I need to fix that. I need to be more appreciative of the people I have. All of them, not just the ones that I see all the time. I've said it before, no one person should have to carry the burden of being my only friend. If it sounds terrible to hear that I may have to put people on my to-do list, please understand that this is how I make them a higher priority in my life. by reminding myself to give attention to the people who are important to me.

I know I need to re prioritize many things. I talk about it a lot, and always intend to fix the priorities. And in some ways, I'm working on it. It's just easier sometimes to slip into old habits.

Friends, of any sort, I need to foster those. Learn to have more than one or two friends at a time. When was the last time I sent love to one of my friends south of here? When was the last time I sent a text just to say "hello"? When was the last time I planned an outing instead of waiting for someone to invite me to theirs?
Derby, I need to give less. It's become a bad relationship. The kind where I give more than I get. I don't think I will  give it up completely any time soon, but it also doesn't need to consume as much of my energy as it does. I need to set boundaries here.
BC needs more of me.
Chango needs more of me too.
I should be writing this down on some sort of goal list. and making a plan.
I need more of me, but I am making progress here. I've been doing a lot of "nothing" lately (if nothing is knitting and watching TV) and it feels good. But I need to balance it out and not spend my entire weekend watching Toddlers and Tiaras. I need to set boundaries here too.

So, here is where I am beginning. Hopefully this will work. I've split my obvious issues into categories. Friends, Derby, BC, Chango, Self, Home. I'm going to allocate time to all of those things. Not daily, maybe not even weekly. But if I want to change, I have to start somewhere. And it will help to see where I am spending my time. and how I am spending it.

Step 2 ????

Step three, MONEY!!

I know. I'm a fruitcake. But after all that seriousness, I needed a smile. I found this free online printable. It's an appointment book page which won't actually fit in my appointment book, but at least I can use it to plan out my time. Actually, I think I am going to hang it on my studio wall. I printed 5. I don't want to waste paper in case I stop using it, but at least I can use it in conjuntion with my regualr planner.

Here's to change and trying to be a better me

Sometimes, I think I sound needy when I'm not. But Sometimes, I kind of am.

Saturday I spent most of my day in the Studio cleaning and organizing, a project that started last weekend but wasn't done this weekend. In between lifting and carrying, I would check my facebook. Saw one post from my wife that said she was at Six Flags for the second time that week.

Two things went through my brain.

1. I have a free ticket from buying a pass last week. She totally should have grabbed it from me! (this was posted to facebook)
2. How come I wasn't invited? (this was NOT posted to facebook!)

I hate to be left out. Hate it. This is an issue I've dealt with since childhood and I am actively working on fixing it. If people are having fun, I want to be there. If they are hanging out, I want to be there. You never know when something exciting is happening. Thus far, the only time I don't pout about being left out is when I'm out doing something equally fun. I can be unreasonable, but generally, the logic of knowing that I can't be in two places at one time wins out. Add all that to my insecurity about whether people like me in general, and you can see where a flip out is possible. I try to hide those. I'm not going to pretend that they haven't happened.

This has affected friendships. It has affected relationships. I actively work on dealing with these issues.

So, once I got over the initial reaction to not being invited, I went back to my cleaning and it wasn't too long before I realized a couple of things.

1. Another trip to Six Flags this week is not in my budget. In fact, the trip I took last week wiped out my entertainment budget for the next several months. So unless I can teleport to the park and back for free and learn to survive without food while I am out, I can't really afford to go.
2. If I were at Six Flags playing, I wouldn't be cleaning, and I'm really proud to have focused that time and energy on a project that I have essentially been putting off for three years.

Happy, I returned to my previously scheduled activity. I no longer felt left out, I felt a bit relieved that I WASN'T invited because I would have gone if I was, and just extended my entertainment budget out another month. This is no way to stay on a budget!! (BTW, the reasoning for not being asked had ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with me as a person, which, is probably the case 99% of the time)

I mentioned it to my wife yesterday when I called her after practice, and as I told her the story, and she defended her actions, I realized that I sure did sound needy. And that even though I was really okay with the situation, it may not sound that way. And that by telling her how it made me feel, she might be hearing "you hurt my feelings" not "I'm glad you had a good time, I'm really glad I stayed at home and worked on my house"

Somewhere along the line, I have discovered that I have a need to tell everyone what I am thinking all the time. All the details. And to those who don't know me (you know, like my family) comments might come across wrong. "Your shampoo makes my hair fluffy!" might be taken as "your amenities suck" rather than "Ha, ha! everyone laugh at my wafro!", which is what I really mean.

I don't know. Maybe I'm worrying about stupid stuff too much. But a bit of censoring won't hurt around people who don't know me yet (and a bit around people who do) AND it will be good to remember that chances are, whatever it is, isn't personal. It's just how things work out sometimes.

Just come right out and say it

I did something tonight that I am proud of.

I have been avoiding talking about the state of my love life for a variety of reasons. It's partially because  I don't want to talk about things that should be left private. Goodness knows, talking about things here has bitten me in the butt before and I really don't want that to happen again.

It's partially because I often blog when I am frustrated and in case there is someone listening who is or knows someone I am dating, it's better that I deal with them directly rather than have them learn how I am feeling here.

It's tough, keeping all those secrets, but I suppose it's better to have some and be healthy than to spill it all and drown.

Today I received a message from a man who used to date a friend of mine. She had told me a long time ago that he had a bit of a crush, but, although I was flattered, I didn't think anything of it. This man is at least 10 but probably closer to 20 years older than me. The breakup is fairly recent.

He asked me out for drinks or dinner.

I thought about how to respond. I don't ever want to be cruel, but I also didn't want to lie. Am I seeing anyone? Well, there's that one guy who I see once in awhile who I care about but doesn't really act like he returns my esteem so, no, can't really say that. Well I could. But it would feel like lying. How often do you see someone to be counted as "seeing" them? Dig any deeper than that and I am likely to spill over, so lets just get on with the story.

I was truthful. I told him that although I am flattered that he would want to spend time with me, that I am not interested. Perhaps he will understand. Perhaps he will be angry. I'm not sure. It doesn't matter. What matters is that I was honest, and maybe a little blunt, but that he can't really come back and say that I left the option open, because I really didn't. I told him I wasn't interested and left it at that, which means he can move right along to a different crush who may just turn out to return the feeling.

Later, I thought about all the times I have held onto the hope that so and so might decide they really do want to spend their time with me because they left that option open. I thought about how often I could have been saved a lot of heartache if people had been honest and blunt. How the times that people were honest and blunt I was able to move along with my life so much quicker because I didn't hope for a change in outcome.

I feel a little bit like a grown up right now.

Hoarders Anonymous

I don't think it exists. Maybe it should. Except they would probably go to each other's garage sales and just pass all the stuff around.

Not the point.

I think I have mentioned on more than one occasion that my parents are collectors of stuff. All three of them. I think I have also mentioned that I am a collector of stuff, but that I am actively working on weeding the stuff out so that I am not storing a bunch of crap I don't need and won't use. If, for example, I were to get rid of some of the stuff in my studio, I could use it to create things instead of hauling my craftiness into the living room.

This collecting problem in my family has been highlighted of late in the fact that my mother will soon be moving.

I don't know if I have talked about how she left her job a couple of years ago and has not found another one. Or how when the market was high, she refinanced several times (against the advice of her children) and owes far more on her house than she would if she hadn't done that.

She realizes now that she made some mistakes and we are working through this madness. Thankfully, she has this really great fiancee who owns his house and she will be moving in with him. Her lifestyle will have to change drastically, and we aren't sure how all her children and his children will fit for Christmas next year, but we can cross that bridge when we come to it. I suggested bunk beds in the family room he plans to build.

We've known this was coming for awhile, although there is still hope that she will find a job in time to save her house. In real life though, the fiancee's house is smaller than hers. and already full of his stuff.

She said she has been getting rid of things, but having been at her house in the last week or so, I can't really tell the difference. At one point, while Seester and I were having some rare alone-time, she asked me if I had seen the bin of medicine bottles.

All those pill bottles you get at the pharmacy? Or the ones that hold vitamins? They're great little containers. She keeps them. All of them. Because they are great little containers.

I'm worried about her. I'm worried that she won't be able to part with all the things she's been saving over the years. She expressed that she felt bad about getting rid of the bed I usually sleep on when I am there. She said it's a good little bed. I reminded her that she could sell it for pretty cheap and have the money, and someone would have a great little bed. I told her that the bed doesn't care if she sells it. She agreed but I don't know if the lesson really went through.

She tends to attach emotions to things. And it's a good lesson for me, because I do too. Thankfully, I am evolving my thinking. I'm doing my best not to acquire new things while still getting rid of the old things. It's hard. Hard to overcome a lifetime of getting things because I want them. Of buying in bulk for later, then forgetting I have it. Of re purposing things into other things (I'll still do this, but no one actually wants old pill bottles! Recycle that shit!) Of holding onto something because I might want it later or because I've attached some sort of misplaced emotion on it.

Maybe if I can stop doing that misplaced emotion thing to things, I can stop doing it to people too...

Finding my shit

I still haven't found my purse.

However, in the process of getting myself organized, I did find a $25 gift card for Chilis that has been missing for the past year. I'll call that a "win". Maybe next I will find the $50 gift card to Victoria's Secret I lost last Christmas. On my list of things to change about myself? Stop putting gift cards "somewhere safe".

And purses too.

Hello future me, it's nice to meet you.

The other day, I happened across a blog that talked about how a family of 6 can live on less than $28,000 per year.

If they can do it, so can I, right?

So I read the whole dang thing. And picked up as many suggestions as I could. A lot of them were very helpful and I will likely talk about them later.

One thing that really struck home was the introduction to my future self.

The thought behind this is, that by "meeting" your future self, you will be less likely to "steal" from him or her.

What do I mean by this? Well, every time you put something on credit, you are making your future self pay for you to have things now. Who is to say that your future self is going to WANT that random bauble? By the time you pay for that fancy dinner, it's long been digested. By the time you pay for that vacation, you've lost all the pictures.

I'm not saying that I'm giving up on vacations and dinners, I'm saying that it's better to save up and have them later for cash than to have them now and pay more for them due to using credit. Credit is expensive.

I learned that I am suffering now for the pleasures of me in the past. And I don't want this trend to continue to the suffering of my future self. I want her to have money in the bank. I want her to not have to sweat a trip to Costco to replenish the things I buy in bulk. Or heading over to JC Penny for some new work clothes because I've been exercising so that she can be skinnier.

So even though I have used my MasterCard in the last couple of weeks, its with the understanding that those purchases are going to cost me later. Of the four purchases I have made, 2 of them have already been repaid, one I am waiting for reimbursement from my insurance company, and the third, well, that one is going to be hanging out for awhile.

If a family of 6 can live on $28,000 per year (or less), I can live on that (or more) and still reach my financial goals. I'm glad I already started.

Those things I didn't learn in Kindergarden

After several months of being on the Flylady system, I fell off. Not because it isn't still a great system, but because it got hard to keep up, And my daily list of things to do kept getting longer and longer. They were no longer fitting on an index card.

So I stopped making them. Things stopped getting done. And I felt like a failure every time I looked at one of my little bullitin boards where my index cards go.

I remembered pretty quickly that as a list maker, I need my lists. BUT I realized that by expecting myself to accomplish an entire list every day, I was setting myself up for failure. I tried to hop back on the train but fell off again. I was overwhemed. I put too many things on my list and I shut down.

I happened across a website one day that talked about working with your inner child to learn how to get things done. We all know that I'm in pretty good touch with my inner child. I understand that she is the essence of who I am so when she throws a fit, I listen. mostly. (hence I didn't buy a car I know I would hate driving) BUT like any child I have to make her do her chores.

I recently started over at the beginning. Baby steps, you know? The crap we were all supposed to learn when we were 3 that for some reason never stuck with me. The stuff that should have me calling Nanny McPhee

"Clean up after yourself"

Easy peasy, right? But even that little bit of discipline is hard for me sometimes. It's weird for me to admit that I don't pick up after myself. That I tend not to put my toys away. I am not a dirty person. I like things neat and clean, and yet I let it pile up, finding excuses why it doesn't get done.

I'm proud to say that since I've been focusing on that simple thing, my kitchen has stayed clean. And the stuff that has piled up (ahem, laundry) I'm knocking out 5 items at a time. Whether it's putting away 5 pairs of socks from my laundry basket each time I walk into my room, or putting away 5 hair baubles I've left on the shelf in my bathroom. If it doesn't happen, I don't beat myself up.

The other stuff is still getting done. I've created a new and ongoing list that goes with me everywhere. When something pops into my head, I write it on my list and deal with it later. It seems to be working. For now. Thanks to my list, I have been forgetting less stuff and have been becoming more of the person that I want to be. I don't have to worry about the fact that the kitchen needs to be cleaned, so I am able to remember to grab my coat on a cold day.

The little things I (for some reason) never learned. I'm amazed at all the lessons I managed to miss.

Good bye to my little friend

It will come as no surprise to you that no matter how hard I try to simplify, I tend to fill my proverbial plate so full that soon I am stressed out and overwhelmed by the life I have created for myself. Then I announce that I am going to simplify and I start looking for ways to fix things.

I remove a few things from my plate but they sneak back on.

Of late, I have been working on the things that most people take for granted. First my house.  I started to declutter and learn to maintain a clean environment. Then my body. I gave myself three months at the local community center for my birthday since they have a pool and I wanted to use it.  Then, my finances. I still haven't found my purse and I did order a new MasterCard, but I am also working every day to keep my spending to a minimum. Sadly, the gym has been put on hold while I work harder on reining in my spending.

Things started coming together nicely. I no longer arrive home to a giant mess. The kitchen is clean, the floors vacuumed, and as of this morning, all of my laundry is put away. (well, everything but the linens in the dryer). I still have a long way to go, but I'm on the right track.

There was one thing bothering me though. Each day, I would come home to a stinky house. Stinky. House. Not okay. No matter how cluttered I get, I like to think that I'm not DIRTY, but stinky says dirty to me. I'd clean, revel in the scent of bleach or whatever I happened to clean with that day, and a short while later, the stink would come back. I added sceted thingies all over the house, but it just wasn't enough.

I was spending a couple of hours a week just maintaining the bunny area, only to have it filthy again a few days later. And Oliver, he was getting a couple of pets a day, but overall, was dirty (and smelly) and ignored. This is not the kind of pet parent I want to be, but it was hard to give myself the attention I need, I added park time almost every day for the dog, and maintain a clean house as well as groom and hold a rabbit every day.

Much as it pained me, it was time to let Oliver go. Not literally. I considered putting him outside, but rabbit hutches are expensive and I am trying to cut back on my expenses. Plus, I worried that with him out of sight, I would forget to feed and water him. I looked into rescues and asked my friend who belongs to the rabbit society if he knew anyone. I considered craigslist, but didn't want him to go to another home like mine. He needed a better home.

So I watched craigslist for someone specifically looking to adopt an Angora. I found someone pretty quickly, and last Friday, I said goodbye. The family he went to did their research on the breed. I gave them full disclosure on Oliver's litter box issues and the various grooming he would need to bring him up to par. I gave them all his food, pen, everything I had that they might need to give him a better home. I have faith that they will. I gave him up for him, and also for me.

I no longer come home to a stinky house. I think Baby and Chango are enough pets for me to handle. Sure, I'll be tempted here and there to get something new, but right now, I think I'm done having too many critters. Because it's better to be a good keeper of one or two than a terrible keeper of 3.

One less thing on my plate. One more step to being "normal".

My mom, the Flylady, and the number 5

My mom mentioned to me awhile ago, how hurt she was that Seester and I didn't seem to learn how to keep house from her. Somehow, we needed more than her instruction on keeping a home and we had to look to The Flylady.

She didn't understand where she went wrong.

She didn't raise us wrong, but nothing I was going to say that day is going to change her mind about that.

Here's the thing. No matter how you were raised, you have to find a way to maintain your life your way. For Seester and I, The Flylady got us restarted.

Seester learned that she doesn't have to be a perfect housekeeper, which was tough considering the fact that we grew up in a house that said that if you weren't going to do something right, you shouldn't do it at all. Ever day the house was vacuumed, bathrooms cleaned, kitchen cleaned, top to bottom throughly. No such thing as a quick wipe down. (really crusty dishes could be left to soak overnight, but if any dish went back in the cabinet with a bit of food still on it. we washed every dish in the house)

With a crew of 3 children, this is a little easier to achieve. (Pie and Brother were too young to help when Cousin, Sister, and I were doing chores) We took care of most of the cleaning freeing my parents up to change diapers and work on freelance jobs. (Seester changed a lot of diapers too)

Please note that my mom remembers the household chores differently than we do. She remembers keeping up on the whole house while working full time and raising babies. We remember that we had a list of daily chores that had to be done before she got home. And that after dinner was cooked, we did the dishes and mopped the floor.

So, Flylady told Seester that as long as her sink was shiney, it's okay to have a dish on the counter or sweep and not mop. To take little nibbles of the housework instead of trying to "eat" it all at once. With two toddlers, I think this has brought Seester a lot of peace.

She taught me that I'm smart to make lists to keep track of myself, and that I can do anything in 15 minutes. Well, for me it's 5. I get distracted in 15. I would like to work up to 15. In the mean time, I will work in multiples of 5. I set the timer, I go. 5 minutes. If I get distracted, I refocus. 5 minutes. I am amazed at the things I can get done in 5 minutes.

I don't really discuss my cleaning habits with my mom anymore. I learned that it is a sore spot and makes her feel like a failure when I share my success in this matter. I support Seester when she talks about the system, and I continue to adapt it for my uses. I too have learned to take my housecleaning in little nibbles. Imight only be one person, but I sure do make a lot of mess!

Still working through it

So, I reached my goal of spending less on incidentals in November by $100, which is just slightly more than I spent at Ikea so I'm not sure it really counts. My wants went down, but my needs went up and somewhere in there, I spent my cushion. I don't really know how I managed that except that perhaps I still had leftover madness from October.

Since we last discussed it, I've changed a few things so I will appear to have more money to work with each month.

I've also been working on my attitude.

You see, I tend to spend it if I have it instead of budgeting for actual expenses. I may have mapped out my spending and bills, but I don't really control things beyond that. This is my next step. To set a budget for things like food, pet food, and entertainment and to stop using my debit card. I learned that I over spend when I use it. Case in point:

I told myself a couple of weeks ago that I could have a Costco hot dog for lunch since I would be at the store and I had $2 cash. While in line, I remembered that the total would come out to more than $2 after tax, I would have to use my debit card because I didn't have any change. Well, in that case, I thought, I can also have a frozen yogurt! Suddenly, my $2 lunch was $5. That doesn't seem like much, but those little expenditures add up fast.

Thankfully, I was quickly reminded that the taxes in Nevada are lower than the ones in California and I would have the cash to cover my lunch.

But it opened my eyes to my tendency to overspend because the money is in my account.

Friday, I am going to try to switch to the envelope system of cash management.

What do you mean, Declined?

Last Friday I popped my happy ass into the gas station for a good old fashioned fillerup. I had waited until payday so that I wouldn't dip into my cushion. I am very protective of my cushion. It's my financial hope right now.

My card didn't work. Since I knew I got paid that day, I headed into the 7-11 and tried again. Nope. as credit? Denied. What the heck??

Thankfully, I recently opened a Bubbly Creations business account and was able to get some gasonline because I wasn't sure if I was going to make it to work.

Once I arrived at my place of employment, I looked at my bank account and lo and behold, I was in the negative. My mortgage had come out as planned, but my paycheck hadn't gone in.

After checking with a coworker and HR, I was reminded that I made changes to the electronic system. My bank had changed thier routing numbers and if I hadn't fixed it, my checks would soon be going into whoknowswhereland. It takes 1 to 2 pay periods for the changes to go through. My check, the HR lady assurred me, would be in my mailbox that day.

It wasn't. Nor was it there on Saturday. I had forgotten the awful feeling of wondering when your paycheck would arriveand NEEDING it.

It arrived on Monday, was deposited on Tuesday, and I am scooped way too far into my cushion for my comfort. But thank goodness it's there. And that I get paid again next week.

My cushion goal is to have the original amount put back into may savings account before the end of this year and to still have a good cushion in there. I think I can do it. but I have to remember not to overspend. Deep breath, and I'm moving forward.

You called it, government

So, I'm filling out this census thing that asks all sorts of questions that I don't feel like looking up the answers to and a few that I think are a little personal and I come across one that says,

Because of a physical, mental, or emotional condition, does this person have serious difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions?

And I had to laugh.

Meanwhile, I did something scary today. I sent a text to the last boy to see if I could retrieve a couple of things from his place. Because today was the first day that the idea of cleaning up that last bit of things seemed bearable. I haven't heard back. I'm trying not to dwell on the why. Trying not to make up reasons because I don't now, nor have I ever really known what was going on in his head. I'm really really trying to put all these bits of me together again and accept that a man who gave me up so easily wasn't as into me as I was into him.

And the voice in my head says, "What if that isn't true?"

So I retreat again and try not to keep being the girl who waits for a man who is never going to call.

This was supposed to be a funny post.

The latest

Every so often, I check in with the Bug Guy (remember him?) to let him know how things are going. I'm not very good at keeping in touch with people so I go months without contacting him, but he always seems happy to hear from me. today's message looked like this:

Checking in. Not married. Last relationship ended. Still hurting. How are you?

He's well. He started his own business and it has expanded. And then he said this:

Sorry to hear about your last relationship. You will overcome. You're Gina  (edited for grammar)


Funny, how he's the first person to say that before I could. It felt good to have someone say so.

I do still hurt. I didn't mean to hurt this long just as I didn't mean to care so much about someone who was either going to turn out to be the guy I thought he could be or he was going to break my heart. I know the worry about getting hurt colored my actions. I'm not an idiot.  But I also think maybe he was doing the same thing. Or, maybe like Poo said, he's just an idiot. I was too, in my own way. It's a hard place to be, stuck between hope and hurt.

Either way, I WILL overcome. I know I will. And knowing that keeps me going on the bad days. One day, there won't be anymore of those. Until then. I'll keep distracting us both with tales of my neurosis.

Dealing with myself. Part 6 - The now

I still slip. My house is a testament to that. And the other day when I was dusting ( I'm back on the Flylady Program. YAY!!) I realized that I don't really want to dust all that stuff anymore. I looked in the cracks and crevices of my house and realized that I can't see my baseboards anymore. Stuff, has accumulated.

It's been about 10 years since I moved out of that cluttered apartment. Just slightly less since I walked into my storage unit and started cleaning it out, exclaiming with each opened box, "Why in the world have I been holding onto this?" I still have a couple of boxes of stuff that I just can't seem to get rid of. One is letters and such. One holds the She Ra and Crystal Castle I bought on ebay after I moved out of C's place. (and my cabbage patch kid)

I have gotten rid of a lot of accumulation over the last 10 years but I have also accumulated a lot. Although I went through my books recently, I still have many that I haven't looked at in years. Decorations that I bought with intent that never materialized. I have boxes in the garage that I haven't unpacked from moving to Nevada 5 years ago.

I have some cool stuff. But I am ready to have it be other people's cool stuff. Those mason jar glasses I thought were super cool because who doesn't love to drink out of mason jars? getting rid of them. I usually just drink out of a mason jar.

There are several things that are pushing this. And I can't say how long my motivation to de-clutter will last.

1. The last boy? I never invited him over. Partly because he often made me feel ashamed of my neighborhood, often because I know that it tends to smell like bunny, and also because he too is a neat freak (I tend to like those). If we went out, I met him at his place. In a year of dating, he never stayed the night, and came over MAYBE 5 times. I'm erring on the high side. I have wondered how much of my insecurity over my home caused the eventual demise of the relationship. Granted, I didn't think he wanted to come to my house, but I also assumed that he didn't want to. That he was judging my home. Did he give me reasons to feel this way? yes. But I likely built those reasons up to be more unreasonable than they needed to be. When I start dating again (totally not ready.) I would like to feel comfortable having that man over to my house. I would like to open my door and not worry about him immediately thinking I am a slob. In short,I want to be proud of my home.

2. My mother. I was on the phone with my mom the other day and admitted that I had slipped in my diligence with cleaning. She asked if my house looked that that cluttered apartment. It doesn't. But it would certainly be easy to get back to that place. It hurt that she would think that I haven't matured beyond that level of slobbery, but I know she didn't mean it that way.

3. The couch in my living room currently has crafting stuff on it. So I have been sitting on the floor. I like the floor, I vacuum frequently, it gives me the opportunity to snuggle the dog. That doesn't make it right.

4. I've been thinking about getting a roommate. I was browsing the craigslist ads when I thought that I should run the idea by my advisors. As I was typing it out, I started to ask whether they would pay to live in my house. My answer to that was no. If I was looking for a room to rent, I wouldn't rent mine. My spare room is the cleanest room in my house. It would take less than 20 minutes to get it roomer ready if I didn't paint. BUT, I would also be sharing the rest of my house. There's the rub.

I'm having a garage sale. I'm pretty excited about it. maybe I will manage to fill the whole driveway with stuff! I have a pretty big driveway.