Growing Pains

I hope that I am always growing. Changing for the better. Getting closer to the person that I want to be.

Call it PMS, over stimulation, over tired, low blood sugar, call it what you want but I recently found myself behaving in a manner that was NOT the person that I want to be. And it made me wonder if that bad attitude has been festering for awhile. Coloring my life in an ugly manner and causing issues with the people that I care about.

Generally, when things go wrong, I ask myself what I did to cause it. Over the last year, I learned that it isn't always me, that other people, in their imperfection, also contribute to the dysfunction of a relationship. This doesn't mean that I do not contribute, only that I may not be the only problem.

Since I can only control myself, I want to do whatever I can do to make sure that I am not being an asshole. It's not always easy.

It doesn't help that when I decide to make a life overhaul, I tend to do it all at once. The strict budgeting is taking it's toll. I didn't think it would be easy, and I think overall it's been easier than I thought it would be, but it's still hard. I have slipped a couple of times, I hear that happens, I know it will get easier. I contacted another possible roommate today. That will help a lot. 1 year of roommate will knock out 1 credit card plus about half of the other (as long as I continue to pay what I am paying on them and don't add more debt). 15 months of roommate will pay them off completely if I add another $50 in payments each month (which I already started doing to cover the fun I had for the New Year). I really like how that story goes. Will it actually work that way? probably not. But I can do my best. Realistically, 2.5 years with a roommate should pay off both cards. I am not counting tax returns or bonuses in this amount. I AM taking into account travel expenses.

I started going to the gym again, which seems to be working to helping my mood and focus, but that takes time away from the dog. So I am trying to take him for more walks, and now that I'm home before dark and it's warming up, hopefully we can start meeting his doggy friends again.

My interpersonal relationships are... A little messy right now. Some are great! Others, need something. Vitamins? Medication? Communication? CPR? I'm not sure. And I don't know if I am equipped to give any of those things. I do know that I have started to question the kind of friend that I am. And I worry that I'm not a good one. I think I need to try harder and give more. I just don't know how. I do know that in some cases, I'm seeing the same patterns that I have seen since elementary school.  I think I need to fix that. I need to be more appreciative of the people I have. All of them, not just the ones that I see all the time. I've said it before, no one person should have to carry the burden of being my only friend. If it sounds terrible to hear that I may have to put people on my to-do list, please understand that this is how I make them a higher priority in my life. by reminding myself to give attention to the people who are important to me.

I know I need to re prioritize many things. I talk about it a lot, and always intend to fix the priorities. And in some ways, I'm working on it. It's just easier sometimes to slip into old habits.

Friends, of any sort, I need to foster those. Learn to have more than one or two friends at a time. When was the last time I sent love to one of my friends south of here? When was the last time I sent a text just to say "hello"? When was the last time I planned an outing instead of waiting for someone to invite me to theirs?
Derby, I need to give less. It's become a bad relationship. The kind where I give more than I get. I don't think I will  give it up completely any time soon, but it also doesn't need to consume as much of my energy as it does. I need to set boundaries here.
BC needs more of me.
Chango needs more of me too.
I should be writing this down on some sort of goal list. and making a plan.
I need more of me, but I am making progress here. I've been doing a lot of "nothing" lately (if nothing is knitting and watching TV) and it feels good. But I need to balance it out and not spend my entire weekend watching Toddlers and Tiaras. I need to set boundaries here too.

So, here is where I am beginning. Hopefully this will work. I've split my obvious issues into categories. Friends, Derby, BC, Chango, Self, Home. I'm going to allocate time to all of those things. Not daily, maybe not even weekly. But if I want to change, I have to start somewhere. And it will help to see where I am spending my time. and how I am spending it.

Step 2 ????

Step three, MONEY!!

I know. I'm a fruitcake. But after all that seriousness, I needed a smile. I found this free online printable. It's an appointment book page which won't actually fit in my appointment book, but at least I can use it to plan out my time. Actually, I think I am going to hang it on my studio wall. I printed 5. I don't want to waste paper in case I stop using it, but at least I can use it in conjuntion with my regualr planner.

Here's to change and trying to be a better me

Really, i do this to myself

I really should stop reading romance novels. I give Wifey shit for watching movies like "The Notebook" and sobbing into her cheerios, but then I go home and read these novels fully of happy endings and snot all over myself.

This last one hit me hard. I almost didn't finish it because there were too many (imagined, I'm sure) parallels and I didn't think I could handle reading the happy ending part I knew was coming because I just don't believe that I'm going to have one this time.

I don't know why it still hurts. I mean, I knew this was going to take awhile. I knew. And I'm not trying to hurry the process or find replacements or any of the other things that I have tried in the past that didn't work. I just thought maybe it would hurt a bit less by now.

I waffle. Between thinking this is the best choice, with all the logic that I can put behind it, and hoping he's just as miserable as I am and decide he wants to fit me into his life. Except I think I know him better than that. I would like to know when I will stop hoping. How long? I keep trying to count my losses and fold but I feel like if I just hang in there, I might have a winning hand. Which is kind of the story of the relationship, and I am a TERRIBLE poker player.  I have not contacted, although I have been tempted. I'm still confused.

The books, they don't help this although I thought I was ok to start reading them again. (I often want to read just for the entertainment value. like eating candy just because it tastes good). I got through the first one just fine. Ai.

Stop wallowing. Stop sniffling. Go put on your bathing suit and return to the party. Put on a happy face. Fake it till I make it.

goodness knows, I'm good at that.

Goodbye to another relic from my childhood

I hesitate to use the term relic, but I just thougt idol seemed too, worshippy.

Donna Summer has passed away.

I can't help but admit that I knew it would happen soon, but I still got a bit verklempt over it.

DONNA SUMMER DUDES! We totally exercized with my mom to her music. We sang to her in the car. We disco danced the night away. We had Donna Summer RECORDS!! Well, my mom did. And then they got stolen.

Donna Summer was part of my early childhood soundtrack. I will mourn her passing by buying her music and blasting it in my car. I am so very sad.

My dear friend,

I have to believe and to have faith that somehow, wherever you are, you get this message. I know that you probably know these things already, but I have to get them out.

I want you to know that you made a difference in my life. That your smile was infectious and I always looked forward to our interactions. It really meant a lot to me how your face would light up when you saw me and how you always greeted me with enthusiasm.

I want you to know that I've been thinking of you a lot lately and I kept meaning to drop you an email just to say hi. Because I like you. You were my friend. I always hoped we would have time to get together for tea. Every time I spoke with you, I learned a little more about you, and what an amazing person you are. Were. You did so many little things to try and make all our lives just a little bit sunnier. Thank you for that. thank you, for being you.

I will never have the chance to tell you these things. I wish I could. Everyone should know that they made a difference. That they brought beauty and joy into the lives of others. I should have taken the opportunity every moment that I thought of you.

I will add that to my very short list of regrets.

I'm not sure why you had to go. Perhaps when I learn how I can make some sense of it. Humans. We always have to know how.

The world is a little dimmer without you in it. I'm a little less whole. I miss you already.

Gina Baby

I don't know what hurt the most

Watching Cheese's daughter's face go from delight to dislike or hearing her say, "I thought you were my dad's...girlfriend, but you don't like to be called that"

All I could do was look at him and tell him they need to watch what they say around her.

Because I know that in her 4 year old mind what she really hears is, "You don't like my dad". It's not her fault. She doesn't understand things like baggage and taking it slow. And who knows what has been said about me in front of her. That she can't stay over at my house? That her dad wants to be with me instead of spending time with her?

Kids listen. They remember. And because they don't understand context and they don't know that there might be more to the story, they make up their minds about things based on the information they process.

Right now, there's a little girl sleeping a couple of miles away that doesn't like me very much. Knowing that makes me glad she was asleep when I got there. And even more glad that I'm not ok with staying over.

But tomorrow, I will have to take a deep breath and spend time with her knowing that she considers me competition for her dad's attention. I will have to know that even though I don't want to be, I am. And that when he drops her off for the party, she will think she's being left. again.

proceeding with caution.

Just keep swimming...

I'm not sure where this week went. I didn't skate much, I know I went to work. I tried to spend some time at home, but here it is, Friday and I don't really remember Monday.

I think it's safe to say that things have been nuts. getting the warehouse ready to skate hasn't taken as much of my time as it has a few others, but I have been trying to pitch in when I can. It's the management part of things that has been wearing me out I think. Trying to come up with solutions that keep everyone happy. I know that's impossible. I feel caught in the middle. I finally snapped yesterday and told another board member that I needed her to stop. Because all of her input was making it that much more difficult and that I had been rendered into "an ineffective smiling asshole".

The visual made me laugh, but when I think of how often in the last week or so my only answer was to smile and bite my tongue, how often someone came to me with a wonderful idea and I had to tell them I can't make that kind of decision on my own, I want to scream. People who don't know me, and who don't know that this is not the way I like to operate. People who do know me and who are probably wondering what crawled up my ass. Why I can't give a strait answer, and what the hell is taking me so long.

Monday night I thought about walking away. handing it all over and letting someone else handle it. Someone who will ask for help and advice and who plays the game better than I do. Or maybe someone who isn't concerned about how everyone else feels and who won't allow anyone to make her feel bad about herself and the decisions she does make.

I think I just need to skate. Hard, long, until I'm worn out and stop having trouble sleeping because there's too much to think about. Till I'm dripping with sweat and bleeding on the rough concrete. It felt so good to roll last night. I didn't get enough of it. It won't make me think less, but it will make me feel better physically.

Maybe tomorrow.

I miss my house too. The puppy butt has spent too much time in his kennel this week. Did I count 17 hours for him in there on Monday? I know I was up for 21. Maybe more. I got to the point where I couldn't count the hours any more and I still couldn't sleep. Sending texts back and forth with a friend until I realized that I had to be up and ready for work in 5 hours and I had to at least pretend to sleep so I could function the next day. Then wishing I hadn't ended the conversation because I was wide awake and at least I was able to snooze a little in between the replies. That friend has been silent ever since. Which isn't strange, but it is. I'm trying not to think about it. Trying not to worry about it. Sadly, that is not in my nature. But I still have to stop it. I can't worry about that anymore.

Manic. I think that's the best way to describe it. But I can be Manic at home as long as I can focus at work.

How the hell do I think I can add dating if I can't even handle what I've got? Maybe trying is a mistake. (here we go again) Not that there's anyone asking, but how do I think I can add another person? Or is it the trying that makes me feel better about being single? Or is it all about breaking the cycle?

c wrote back the other day. his girlfriend moved in and they are happy and cozy and even though that was over a long time ago it still hurt. I can't decide if it's because she's parked where I used to park or if it's because he's managed to move on and find someone special and I keep failing. I'm happy for him. I would never begrudge someone their happiness.

I'm trying, I swear. I try to accept things the way they are. I try to make good choices. When I catch myself stuck on someone who isn't stuck on me, I try to move on. One might say I try too hard, but it's who I am. I try to go with the flow but sometimes, the flow stops and I can either tread water or swim a little. I guess right now I just can't tell if I'm swimming upstream or down.

A book

So much to say. So much self censure. The things I want to talk about, need to get out of my head and off of my chest so that I can let something healthy fill the fissure in my soul, I can’t. I am too public.

And then I argue with my self. Because I know I am beyond blessed. I am achieving the things I always dreamed of. I have no room for complaint. And yet I ask for more. I try to write about it, and I sound like I am throwing a pity party. I’m tired of those.

I delete my posts and remind myself to Need Less.

I have so much. The wonders, they don’t cease. From the Cookie Thief offering much needed cash to help him paint his kitchen to Bella’s wonderful discovery of an almost new washer and dryer, free, if I just pick them up. And Vic making sure I could. Mandrew hooking up the washing machine. It doesn’t sound like a big thing, but I would have made a larger mess. And I don’t know if I could have gotten the fittings tight enough.

My mom would tell me that I deserve these kindnesses because I’m a good person. I don’t see how I’m any better of a person than anyone else. But I do feel like it’s important to pay it forward.

I have so much. House, food, dog, a good job. The picture is pretty well perfect. The friends I have met here are unbelievable. I miss my family but with the friends I have, that hole in my soul is a little less empty. My cup runneth over.

And yet. That same issue boomerangs back again.

I’m lonely. I shouldn’t be. I have and do so much. I remind myself that it is a biological need and reality to want to have a partner. But I also like to tell myself that I am above that. That I am an evolved creature.

I know better. I am consistently making decisions that leave me curled up on the floor wondering when I’m going to get it right. I knowingly make the choices I make, telling myself that I’m being smart about it this time, and yet the end result is the same. How long will it take for it to stop hurting this time?

I tell myself I need to find the lesson. That it isn’t time right now; I watch the years slip by. I feel more and more like Bridgette Jones every day. Without the vodka and the cigarettes. Especially when people ask me, and they often do, why I am still single. I am not, actually, covered in scales. I don’t have a snappy comeback; I just smile and shrug my shoulders. Then I break a little more inside.

Bella asked me today if there isn’t a reason I choose unavailable men. I have explored this. I have looked over my psyche with a magnifying glass and a nit comb. I have examined the men I have dated in the 5 years since my last long term, real, solid, secure relationship. There are some patterns. I am trying to learn from those. Sometimes, there just aren’t. B. How could I have known he was lying about everything? Hi5. We still talk over messenger sometimes. He says he misses me. He says he made a mistake. He says maybe he wants to see me when he’s in town, or maybe it would be better if he didn’t. Jess. Who told me how wonderful I am, how interested he is in getting to know me better. We’ve scheduled 2 dates. They both got cancelled. He had good reasons. Still I had to wonder if that’s how it would be. It seems when I try and break the pattern, when I try to choose wisely, I’m still wrong. I can only blame myself for so much failure. Sometimes, it’s not my fault. I can’t control what other people do.

That’s where I am right now. Where I have been for the last couple of months since the “I am Woman Hear Me Roar” momentum of Hi5 moving and me buying a house wore off. During the worst of it, I hold my head up high, smile, and if possible, skate it off. It’s hard to focus on my heart when I am concerned about what my feet are doing or where the next hit will come from. I have to admit though, that it doesn’t take much to distract me from my focus and to bring it all back. I try to keep that to myself too. I made a promise.

Until things change though, and they always do, I will do what I always do. Smile. Persevere. And try to remember to count my blessings when I can’t sleep.

There goes Mr Finnigan; begin again.

So much to say. Not sure how to say it. I'll say that part two of the bunny adventure is up coming and it has a good ending. But that will have to wait for another day.

I got my drum carder the other day and have carded 1 batt. I'm working on another. I'm going to have one bigger arm. again.

I am confused by men. Not that that is anything new. It's not that I don't know what to do, it's the fear of doing it and the hope that I am wrong and that time will fix the issues. Same old thing, different guy, different issues. Truth is that I am spending a lot of energy on someone who only really seems sort of interested. And I think I need more than that. I've never thought of myself as being a needy person, of being a woman who needs constant attention. If I hadn't been told on more than one occasion that I am indeed low-to-no maintenance, I would argue with myself that no woman is going to think she is high maintenance or needy. In some ways Louie does give me attention. Via text. And last night, for example, he stopped by while my cousins were here. Little efforts go really far in my mind. I know he was tired.

After a couple of months of dating, I would like to think we would have more in depth conversations. When we do speak, our conversations mostly consist of work and everyday things. I miss talking about politics, religion, why exactly it is that Grover has to announce that he is cute and furry when he is, quite obviously, cute and furry. I can't get through the apparent wall. Maybe there is no wall. I'm not used to having a difficult time finding conversation. I like to think I can talk about almost anything. It seems like only the superficial things come up. Occasionally, we'll tease each other about getting old or favorite baseball teams, but that is rare. For a moment, during those times, it feels normal between us. That doesn't last long.

I would like to see him more. That is a little more difficult. But at the very least, it would be nice to think that he wants to see me more.

What else do I want? I don't know. These are things I should be telling him, but I can't. It's cowardly, I know, but I don't feel right discussing it on the phone. These are not the sort of things you text. I'm certainly not going to bring it up with my cousins in the next room. When will we be alone again? I don't know, actually. There have been no plans. No invites, no what are you doings. My mom will be here all next weekend and we don't tend to see each other during the week. Before I know it, another confused month will go by. I'll be writing these words again in October and you all, dear readers will be rolling your eyes again, knowing you have heard it all before.

You have already heard it all before. I'm tired of hearing it too.

When will I admit to myself that I am simply better off alone?

This, that, and another thing

I'm really looking forward to flying South for the Winter (holiday).

Last night I was smart enough to pull Jack off my window before I rolled it down to get money from the bank. When I rolled it down to order El Pollo Loco, I forgot again. The stick and cup is now lost somewhere in door land. Jack is now rolling around in my car. I'm sure I will find him several years from now and I will have a good laugh.

Work is pissing me off a lot lately. I have been venting onto Twitter. it's fun because I can't blog from work, but I can text Twitter!

I have been out dress shopping for something to wear to my work party tomorrow. The current fashion is not flattering on me as usual. Reno does not have any good clothing stores, and I have champagne taste. Since I have not purchased a dress, I went down to the garage to see if there might be something near the door (I have many, lovely, flattering gowns that I would be thrilled to wear. If I could get to them...) I didn't find a dress, but I did find my pin nailer and a few other things I have been wanting. I have to agree with my mom on this, when I do finally unpack, it's gonna be like Christmas.

Speaking of the Holiday party tomorrow, I really wanted to ask Cowboy if he would escort me. There are three reasons for this. I like his company, I'd like to have a date, and perhaps if I show up with a date, it would help dispell that lingering rumor that I am Poo's girlfriend/mistress, whatever. I admit, I forgot to ask last week like I intended. I called Monday with the usual "seein whatcha doin" message. I never heard back. Perhaps he is busy. perhaps out of town. perhaps he really did pull a fade away, something I had hoped he was above. Thing is, I go through this every couple of weeks. things are great, then he falls off for a day or two and I convince myself it's over. Then he calls again. And that is how it's been. I don't talk about it because I know that you all have opinions on the subject and honestly, there's nothing you can say in any way shape or form, from any direction that I have not said to myself. And the beat goes on. So tomorrow? I will be attending my company party on my own. I'll be sure to post pictures in my gown because I plan to look fantastic. I'll sweep (ahem...trip) into the room with my head held high and smiling and I will have a great time with my coworkers.

Clint showed up the other night. All full of "I missed you"s and bearing stuffed animal gifts. I tried to be gracious. I did not wipe my cheek when ke kissed it though I dearly wanted to. He stayed for several beers. I didn't really have much to say. I don't really know what to to with the bear (I will likely donate it) since I'm not really a stuffed animal kind of girl. Drunk Monkey is not a stuffed animal, and anything else I have has sentimental stories. (Like the dog I bought my grandmother while she was in the hospital to keep her company) It was a nice gift, but the part of me that is still angry because he disspointed me so much doesn't want it. I know I should be forgiving, but generally, when I decide I'd rather not see someone again, I mean it. So when they wander back into my life, it's difficult for me to accept them back because they are out of my head.

Why don't I decide I never want to see Cowboy again? I don't really know. I like him as a person and I enjoy his company. It's actually rare that I don't want to keep someone around. It's not like we bicker all the time like Biker Bob and I did, I just know that he's a bit here-today-gone-tomorrow. I just realized that perhaps I was nervous about making plans with him because they rarely go through. He might be feeling poorly, or something comes up. All our outings are always spur of the moment. And asking him to the party would have meant plans. Plans that might have been cancelled. Leaving me devestated because in my head I had a date and in reality, I didn't. Better to go alone, then. I rarely dissapoint myself and I sure know how to show me a good time!

I have no title, only sadness

Today we learned, sadly, that Coworker's Best Friend's daughter was killed in a drunk driving accident. She was 15 years old. The driver that hit them was drunk and on drugs, and so, it turns out, was the girl driving the car (drunk). The driver survived and will have to live her entire life knowing that her actions killed a young woman. When CBF learned she had been drinking, she un-invited her to her daughter's funeral.

After the intial shock wore off, I imagined the pain coworker was in at that moment, and wondered what I would say to her when she returned from lunch, I considered the following bit of sadness.

Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days in jail for violating the terms of her probation, earned for a drunk driving offense. There are those who believe that Paris should go free, or at least it appears that way. When I checked the website of freeparis.org, and the myspace connected to it, I discovered that although there are a lot of options to buy a t shirt and sign the petition, the 1500 "friends" on MySpace were the kind of spammers that I spend occational evenings clearing out of my "friend request box", neither site had a whole lot of backup, and it looked like a big joke. A way to get publicity.
However, what isn't funny is that Paris thinks she should not have to go to jail. She thinks the judge was being mean to her. Her mother believes that they spent a lot of money and she should not have to go to jail. I think she's lucky not to have killed someone the night she went out for an In and Out Burger (Third person I know of that got a DUI because they were drunk and wanted a burger. One of them almost did kill someone. But he didn't complain about the TWO months he was in jail, he thanked his lucky stars he didn't kill that woman after all).

I fear that she will not learn her lesson. That 30 days in a 10 x 10 with 2 pairs of underwear a week and no privacy will make her feel like a martyr. And those who support her will continue to scream foul because she's rich, famous, beautiful (I don't agree, but eye of the beholder) she shouldn't have to follow the law. I wonder what it will take for our society to understand that we are all equal in the eyes of the law. Or at least, we are supposed to be.

Coworker, when we talked about it, said something that will haunt me for awhile. She said it could have been her son. That her friend had put in the same effort and love raising her daughter as she had her son.
Then, to top it off, she asked me what she was going to tell her son. Because they were close, he and that little girl. they had known each other since they were 5. He had the biggest crush on her.

Tonight Coworker will have to face one of the toughest moments of her parenting career. I wish there was something I could do. But like I told her, I know there is nothing I can say that will make it better.

Perhaps people who get caught DUI should have to attend the funerals of people killed by drunk drivers. Perhaps when they see the pain it causes when a life is taken...No. I think that the kind of people who don't take responsibility for thier actions, who think they are above the law wouldn't be affected.

I heard them call her a role model.

Dark Clouds

For some reason, I have been wandering around all cloudy lately. I call it cloudy because I have an amazing imagination and I can feel the anger cloud over my head when I get this way. Sure, it lifts sometimes, but it comes back.

This morning is probably the worst of it. I don't have a good reason for it. Today I had to take a walk before 8 am. I was tempted to keep going. I work in hickville, so walking away is not really a good idea since I don't like getting dirt in my shoes and eventually I would run into a cow. It's not really hickville. But I'm not kidding about the cows. They used to make me late to work in the morning because you really don't want to try and drive through a herd of cattle. especially the brahama bull. sucker was huge. AND they have a you break it you buy it policy around here when it comes to the cows. Plus you don't get to take it home and grill it. Not that I would, I'd have someone else do it for me. Or, the cow would rot while I waited for someone to clean and cook it for me.

So anyhow, I've been feling grumpy and frustrated and ready for a change in situation or job or something. I'm frustrated with my primary job for various reasons, but I don't think I can do better elsewhere, I think I just need to be working for myself. BUT I am not feeling soap motivated either because during the rare moments I am at home, I just want to play. And while soap is fun, there are still parts that aren't so. Like formatting my labels and wrapping and trimming. I don't really mind those things because I get great satisfaction from selling the stuff and I am truly hoping to be a huge success. That is, live in the house the soap built. In San Diego.

Just as I was thinking that I should go ahead and quit my jobs and apply for a sugar daddy, I came across the following picture. And my cloud instantly dissapated like someone shot it with a lazer beam. and my day started running smoothly. This one belongs to Rich Championable's kid. Rich (yes, you this time) perhaps you need to get this kid a showing at a gallery.

Come to think of it, I'm going to link to the picture. I don't know how Rich would feel about someone stealing his kid's art. And I feel a bit funny copying it.

Championable | Fatherhood, Parenting, Love, and Politics.: We interrupt this here blog...

Lately

Lately it seems as if I cry more frequently than I smile. or laugh. I've been giving the same answer to questions about myself. How's life? How are you? or Worse, when T said I looked good, "you know. same as always".

I am not a typically meloncholy person. I am not accustomed to more than a few tears over sappy comercials. I thought it might be imbalance. That I have been working too much. But I don't think that's it anymore. Since I can sense that there is something amiss, I don't think that it is my favorite family affliction. (BiPolar Disorder). Whatever it is, I want to fix it.

And T? every time I think about it I feel physically ill. So I try not to think about it. It's not working. So when I can't help it? I try to spin it in my head into something positive. It's what I do. But it's not working. And I return to the same old delimma. But I wonder if that is even valid anymore. You see, I already made a fool of myself. the card, on the flowers was signed, "Love". It was after he read it that he told me about her. I watched him slide it into his pocket. Likely so that she wouldn't find it by accident. I just wanted to run but he kept me there with his small talk. I am so thankful that she was not there. I would have felt a thousand times the fool. At least, as things stand, I know I did what my heart told me to do. It bothers me that I don't want it to work out. I told him I want his happiness, but I didn't say that I want that happiness to include me.
The logical part of me knows that there are a lot of things that T has to come to grips with. That he has to find his happiness within himself. That he can't keep running from himself. I have always known that about him. He's threatening to move east again. Which is better than what he said before about not wanting to commit suicide. yet.
I ask myself why I would want to be with someone like this. You know, cracked. I tell myself that eventually, he would run from me too. I think he did run from me in many ways. And better than he runs from me know than later, when there are children. Then I tell myself that I am rediculous, and that I have to accept the reality of I am not the woman he wants to be with. But every instinct in my soul tells me otherwise. Every empathetic ability says something else when he looks at me.
The truth is, that look though I might, I have yet to meet anyone who I like to talk to as much. Who shares my interests the way he does. Who like to make wild plans the way I do. Every time someone contacts me on that damndable internet dating site I hope that there will be a click. A match if you will. But there is nothing. Not with Scuba Steve, not with yesterday's guy. Or really any of the other several men I am chatting with.

Yesterday's guy said something that really hit home. I didn't say it then. He talked about a children's book that decribed how when people get their wish, they stop evolving. It was a book on evolution but I understood it differently. And although I said at the time that I hope I never stop evolving, I also wondered if that was the real reason I hadn't gotten my wish. The only wish I can really remember making. The reason I stopped making wishes. Because once I thought it had come true, and it wasn't at all what I thought. I learn so much from each experience that I have that I wonder if there is so much more for me to learn that it is unlikely that I will get my wish any time soon. That doesn't lift my spirits! I miss the kind of interactions that occur between a man and a woman. Not sex. I have learned to exist without that, although that is part of it. there's a closeness you feel when you are with someone you care about. a closeness I have not felt in a long time.

But wait, you say, there was Biker Bob.
There are many things I did not discuss about my relationship with Biker Bob. I think I have said that more than once. Out of respect for our relationship, if it can be called that, I kept it off the internet. the truth is that it started falling apart as soon as it began. He would be late to see me, then show up smelling of beer. (in his defense, I knew he was out playing with his friends.) Further interactions were unsatisfying. We were more "nakid sleepover friends" than lovers. He spent more time falling asleep despite my attentions than responding to them.
His sense of play was different than mine. I tried to end it when I realized that we didn't play well together, but he wanted to keep dating.
I sprained my ankle the night I picked him up from the airport. (from a visit to his family) The next day, I'm sure I mentioned that he helped me put on my shoes. Drove me to the hospital. Once I had my AirCast, we spent all day running his errands. walking through stores until late into the evening. After that, I would count weeks between physicality, often days between kisses, even though we saw each other every day.
I invited him, at one point to my Friend's birthday party. He said he would show up, even got directions. But he never did. Got distracted, he said. Didn't really feel like it. When I confronted him, his response was, "no one there was waiting for me...except you" Still I held on. There was just enough to keep me taround. A caress here, a quick kiss there.
I am sad for the woman I became. Waiting for any sort of physical attention because it was better than none. When he stopped paying attention to me, (i don't require a lot, but when I'm there, don't act like you wish I wasn't) when we were both too busy, I realized it was time to let it go. I knew I should have before. I talk about it now because we are no longer speaking. I hope he finds the love he seeks.
I am not a convienence item. Some is not always better than none.
I'm not saying that it was all his fault. I was not giving him what he needed either. I'm not going to pretend I did the best that I could. I just think it shouldn't have continued as long as it did. I think it did me more harm than good.

It feels good to talk about these things. To send them out into the web for all the world to see. It's hard, now, because I have always used the same user name, and I worry about who might stumble across what I have written. i'm glad that I have not abandoned my written journal for all the secrets that I keep.

I feel a bit renewed again. Maybe I have just been holding my emotions inside for so long that they have made me sick in the soul. But only like, the flu. I just need to sweat it out. I hope it lasts. I'm running out of Toilet paper.