Wishy Washy

today I am ok with the idea of continuing to get to know a boy. not biblically.

I'm probably being an asshole about it. In an hour, I might be back to wanting to hole up with my critters and knit. But for the right now, I don't see how it can hurt to hang out with new people regardless of gender.

Sigh

Operation "get over it" seems to be failing miserably. I am considering a total abort not because there aren't nice guys out there, I have been spending time with one, but because this doesn't seem to be the best way to go about things when I just don't seem to be that interested. Maybe it's the person. Maybe it's me. Either way, I don't want to do to anyone what the Cowboy did to me; be in limbo-with-possibility and then one day, after many, many months say, despite our good times and easy conversations, despite my attraction, I'm not into you.

Although I stayed, knowing full well the situation I was in and that it might not turn out the way I wanted, he also waited 8 months to end it. He had to have known all along. I think he tried for all the wrong resons.

I don't want to do that to anyone. It hurt a lot. It still does, just not every day like it did before. I would rather be alone and to pretend to be into someone for any reason.

And soon. There has been no progression beyond a quick hug at my car at the end of a date, which is great(!) because I don't want to jump into anything. I think that lesson finally soaked in. (I hope) But I have a feeling that in another date or two, he's gonna start maybe looking for kisses. and I just don't want to go there.

Simpler times

I miss the simpler times. When "dating" was easy.

When if you liked a boy and he liked you, you sat next to each other on the carpet during story time and that made him your boyfriend. There was no pressure from your friends to hook up, there was no first date anxiety or worry that he might kiss you because kissing was gross. There was no waiting by the phone to see if he would call because he didn't call. You weren't allowed to call anyone but Grandma or maybe the kid next door to come out and play.

And there was no "Let's just be friends" or "Sorry, I'm not into you" conversations because chances were, you'd forget each other existed over the summer or you'd be in different classes the next year.

And, no one asked, ever, why you are still single. Date #2 asked me that via text the other day. I told him it's because I haven't found a man who can put up with my snoring and super long toe nails. He asked how long and how loud...

I realize that this isn't a way to create a lasting relationship, and for goodness sake, it doesn't really work that way for adults, but I really do miss the simplicity of the concept.

Anyone want to bet on how long it takes me to get tired of dating this time? I'm thinking, not very long.

A Record? I really can't remember

Three dates in three days with three different men. YIPES!

I don't want to do that every week.

I've already mentioned date 1. Date two was nice. He's fun. Date 3, maybe there will be a second date, we shall see. He leaves Monday for Vegas on business for 3 months so to me, well, that's a long time. Oh wait, tomorrow is Monday. I don't do long distance.

No, that's not right. Date 1 was on Tuesday. but it still might be a record. I don't think I need to break it.

Now, where did I leave that knitting pattern? I want to finish those slippers.

shaking my head

I really need to quit posting when I am angry or upset or hurting.

or all of the above.

I hyperextended my hands at practice (again. it's been a few years...) tonight. yay.

Dove in.

I went on a date this evening.

Fear prevents me from writing more since I am so easily found.

But I dove in. And the water was warm.

Stellar!

I was catching up on the news on Friday morning when an article caught my eye. It was something about adults with ADHD and how it affects their lives. Even since I took my first internet "DO you have ADD" test, I have recognized the symptoms in myself. When my counselor, so many years ago, asked me if I thought I had it (after talking to me for about 10 seconds...) I told her that the internet says I do, but that I am hesitant to self diagnose.

Many of the symptoms are there though and have been. Reading through my childhood report cards is enough to show a classic case during a time when children were rarely diagnosed with the condition (as opposed to now when they are diagnosed all the time!) "Gina has trouble focusing" "Gina daydreams a lot" "Gina would be a great student if she would stay on task" Even now I have moments when I am focused and moments when I just let myself do things in the order that they happen. I walked into the living room yesterday to discover that I had gotten distracted from my task of winding the vacuum cord. It sat half finished in the middle of the floor.

This is not the point however. The article talked about some of the psychological issues that accompany the syndrome. Feelings of inadequacy, low self esteem, occasional depression.

Just when I was asking myself, "Dude! When did I get to be so damn needy??" there was an answer. I'm not saying that it IS the answer, I'm saying that now, when I'm feeling low or I'm getting all nutty because I haven't heard from my wife in a day (oh my goodness! is she mad at me? what did I do?), I can ask myself if I'm being valid or if I'm chemically funny. And maybe I will be able to need less and be normal. (they say this stuff can worsen with age and hormone fluctuations) I don't want meds, I have learned to deal with my difficulties but it never occurred to me that there may be a valid reason I go wacko every so often. Even if I try to hide it.

Meanwhile, I had a wonderful weekend! I skated a little on Friday night, and was able to reach the goal of 100 laps in 20 minutes on my first try (100 laps in 17.38 and I didn't even push! but I did get tired) I spent the day Saturday cleaning house and then Wifey, BIL, and Toxic came over. We watched movie and ate pizza, drank beer and hot buttered rum, ate cheesy poofs and hostess cupcakes... It was fantastic. Today I puttered about, went shopping (but didn't buy), made breakfast (not in that order) I can't remember when I had such a relaxing time. I am greatful for it.

It was a stellar weekend.

Just keep swimming...

I'm not sure where this week went. I didn't skate much, I know I went to work. I tried to spend some time at home, but here it is, Friday and I don't really remember Monday.

I think it's safe to say that things have been nuts. getting the warehouse ready to skate hasn't taken as much of my time as it has a few others, but I have been trying to pitch in when I can. It's the management part of things that has been wearing me out I think. Trying to come up with solutions that keep everyone happy. I know that's impossible. I feel caught in the middle. I finally snapped yesterday and told another board member that I needed her to stop. Because all of her input was making it that much more difficult and that I had been rendered into "an ineffective smiling asshole".

The visual made me laugh, but when I think of how often in the last week or so my only answer was to smile and bite my tongue, how often someone came to me with a wonderful idea and I had to tell them I can't make that kind of decision on my own, I want to scream. People who don't know me, and who don't know that this is not the way I like to operate. People who do know me and who are probably wondering what crawled up my ass. Why I can't give a strait answer, and what the hell is taking me so long.

Monday night I thought about walking away. handing it all over and letting someone else handle it. Someone who will ask for help and advice and who plays the game better than I do. Or maybe someone who isn't concerned about how everyone else feels and who won't allow anyone to make her feel bad about herself and the decisions she does make.

I think I just need to skate. Hard, long, until I'm worn out and stop having trouble sleeping because there's too much to think about. Till I'm dripping with sweat and bleeding on the rough concrete. It felt so good to roll last night. I didn't get enough of it. It won't make me think less, but it will make me feel better physically.

Maybe tomorrow.

I miss my house too. The puppy butt has spent too much time in his kennel this week. Did I count 17 hours for him in there on Monday? I know I was up for 21. Maybe more. I got to the point where I couldn't count the hours any more and I still couldn't sleep. Sending texts back and forth with a friend until I realized that I had to be up and ready for work in 5 hours and I had to at least pretend to sleep so I could function the next day. Then wishing I hadn't ended the conversation because I was wide awake and at least I was able to snooze a little in between the replies. That friend has been silent ever since. Which isn't strange, but it is. I'm trying not to think about it. Trying not to worry about it. Sadly, that is not in my nature. But I still have to stop it. I can't worry about that anymore.

Manic. I think that's the best way to describe it. But I can be Manic at home as long as I can focus at work.

How the hell do I think I can add dating if I can't even handle what I've got? Maybe trying is a mistake. (here we go again) Not that there's anyone asking, but how do I think I can add another person? Or is it the trying that makes me feel better about being single? Or is it all about breaking the cycle?

c wrote back the other day. his girlfriend moved in and they are happy and cozy and even though that was over a long time ago it still hurt. I can't decide if it's because she's parked where I used to park or if it's because he's managed to move on and find someone special and I keep failing. I'm happy for him. I would never begrudge someone their happiness.

I'm trying, I swear. I try to accept things the way they are. I try to make good choices. When I catch myself stuck on someone who isn't stuck on me, I try to move on. One might say I try too hard, but it's who I am. I try to go with the flow but sometimes, the flow stops and I can either tread water or swim a little. I guess right now I just can't tell if I'm swimming upstream or down.

Worn out

and it's only Monday.

I should really go to bed but I worry that I won't sleep through the night. Derby has me emotionally worn too with politics.

and I just realized that Chango was not in his kennel from 7:30 am to 9:30 pm today. No. He was in there from 4:30 am to 9:30 pm. he's a good boy though. But it solidified my vote on the dogs/no dogs question at the warehouse.

And I think that's all I have for now.

The beat goes on

Ah. A new year. But what has changed? Nothing. Everything. I've been working on a few things.

1. Me. I know that's not new. but there are a few things about which I have needed an attitude adjustment. And I am actively working on that. First step, I've started perusing the personals again. I can't keep wanting to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. It's a bad habit. One I have wanted to stop for a very long time. This isn't the first time I haven't let go when I should, but I want to let go sooner than I have before. Somehow. I'm not good at this. It hurts. But I know it's healthy. And I am a better friend when I don't let attraction get in the way. And I made myself a promise that I wouldn't be "that" girl anymore after Hi5. You know, the one that is all neurotic and mopey (I hide it well) because people aren't behaving the way I want them to. Like I told Wifey, I deserve better than what I have been accepting as ok. Better than I have been allowing myself to be treated over the last few years. Not because I am anything special, but because I am human. Even though I like to pretend I'm not. And I do have feelings even though I like to pretend I don't. It's been 4 years since I have been in a "real" relationship. 5 since I felt secure in one. That's more than 1/3 of my adult life. I'm not ok with that. And the only way to change it is to get out there and look and go on dates and try. Waiting has never worked. I always end up heartbroken when whomever turns up with someone else. And no one has ever asked me to wait. So that's on me. The last person who told me he wasn't ready to be in a relationship is marrying the girl who became his girlfriend a month later in May. Although I was over him long ago, the situation will always hurt. It's not gonna be an easy wedding to attend.

2. We got a warehouse! Actually, it's an old grocery store. But it's awesome! We've been working day and night to get it ready for skating and such. It's scary. It's awesome. It's gonna be a lot of work. But worth it, I think.

3. I unpacked most of the craft room today! OMG! So many boxes! I still have some totes and a lot of organizing, but I am proud of myself for doing it. I know I will continue to find boxes that need unpacking but I also know that most of it is done and I can get started on the garage. Or maybe let Mandrew do it. He's been bugging me about it for months. LOL. Freak. Bless him for wanting to organize, I can't always do it on my own, I get overwhelmed easily. Most importantly, I'm putting my life physically in order; something I have neglected for awhile. I'm not sure where the motivation went, but I hope it lasts.

4. I signed up for a craft swap today. I haven't done one in a long time. Over a year, I think. Derby and work have pulled all of my extra energy away. I have allowed them to do this and it's time to balance my life. Find time for the other things I love.

Little changes. They feel good. Healing, progress, change. Whatever you want to call it I think it's good. Pray that the momentum continues and I don't get distracted.

And then he said, "I love you"

I talk a lot about my dad, my realtionship with him, the run ins we have. I feel as though Daddy is one of the great unfinished-es in my world. My realtionship with him isn't as strong or as developed as I think it should be. I base this a little bit upon how I see my friends interract with their children, and a little bit on how I interract with my mom.

Yes, I know that no realtionship between two people is ever the same. Personalities, circumstances, schedules, get in the way. People grow up. They grow apart. And as life happens, it becomes more difficult to forgive the hurts and the neglect and easier to just be angry.

The holidays are especially difficult when it comes to my dad. Unless he lived in another state, chances are we would at the very least see him at or near Christmas. He was a classic Santa Dad. When we saw him at any time of year, we would eat candy and donuts and Lucky Charms. We'd watch movies and he would make omlettes with shrimp. There would be visits to his parents' and grandparents. Toys, Nintendo, no chores. Somehow, I didn't notice that the rest of the year when he would be out to sea for 6 months and then back for 6 months, we wouldn't see him until the last weekend before it was time to ship out again.

I know things now that I didn't know then. That he was probably on a bender for that time period. That when we would stop at his friend's house "real quick" and he would leave us in the car for what seemened like forever, that he was probably refilling his stash. Somehow, and maybe because I didn't know, it never interfered with our time with him. It was another errand.

Now that I am older, I do know these things. And there are so many other reasons to be angry with him. I try to let them go, but it's hard. I am only human after all.

Now, when the holidays roll around, I dread seeing him more than a bit. It has nothing to do with the fact that he is no longer "Santa" and eveything to do with the fact that I just don't know what to say. Its been like that for years. It breaks my heart. There was a brief time when I saw Daddy every weekend. A time when we could talk for hours about this and that. When he would tell me stories and we would go to the Swap Meet.

All that has happened in the last 9 years since my grandmother died has overshadowed that. Somewhere in there, I lost my father. Now I know that what really happened was that he lost himself.

On Christmas, we were invited over. I didn't get there until late. There was a miscommunication but I should have tried harder. I didn't want to try harder. It's become easier to avoid the silences. What I found when I did arrive was a relaxed father. Who started almost immedietly telling stories. To me my father is the sum of his stories. I love every outrageous tale. Many are true, some I question. The one he told that night will be AWESOME if it is true, and is one of the few that I might be able to get backup on. We will see.

For the first time in a long time, when my sisters got ready to leave, I didn't jump at the chance to go too. I wanted to stay a little longer. This feeling made me happy and broke my heart a little.This is how I should always feel. I left knowing he was coming to dinner the next night.

He did. Since Uncle Mike was there, he launched into stories again. Some I had heard, some I had not. Still, all the world is right when Daddy is telling stories. I get that from him. During the course of these tales, it came out that Daddy has not fished in quite some time. 5 years, actually, which is how I know that he has lost so much of himself. The parts of Daddy that aren't made up of stories are made up of fishing. I don't really want to fish unless it's with him; I only catch fish when we are together. (and I don't want to bait the hook, kill the fish, clean it...)

5 years is a long time to go without doing the thing you love to do the most. Later, after he left, Uncle Mike mentioned taking him out (UM is an AVID fisherman who is frequently in Bass tournaments) and I told him how much it would mean to me if he would.

I'm not sure how much fishing Daddy has left. Each time I see him, I learn something new about his growing list of health issues. From the back issues that may leave him paralyzed to the heart drugs he doesn't want to take because they will render him unable to tell where his bloodsugar is; dangerous for a diabetic.

I don't know how much time I have left with my dad. The fact that he didn't expect to make it past 55 doesn't make it any easier for either of us to accept that the years of hard living have caught up. I am thankful that he's rediscovering the important things now though. Maddy lights him up like nothing else and I think he knows that all the things he missed out on over the years while he was being selfish with himself have culminated in her; so those things must have been wonderful too. And they were. I'm sorry he missed them.

I was sad to see him go last night. I was enjoying him again. I pray that we are able to spend more time together so that the good memories can replace the bad. He gave the usual round of hugs last night, ending with my mom. As they held each other close, he said, loud enough for us all to hear, "I love you". Not an easy thing to say to a woman you have been divorced from for 31 years. But an important statement. And so nice to hear. Not because I have any sort of thought about them getting back together, but because I know that it is important and healing to tell the people you love how much they mean to you.

I could certainly say it more often.

Flew south for the holiday

Ah, the warm sunshine of SoCal. It's good to be among family, good to be home. Except now that I HAVE a house of my own, it feels less like home and more like somewhere I used to call home. Probably as it should be.

I'm enjoying my family, have had plenty of time with my neice who really is the world's cutest kid and who, unlike most children, doesn't cry when I smile at her, she smiles back. Good match. I'm sure it helps that she seems to like everybody.

We're celebrating Christmas on Saturday this year. My father is invited to dinner and we should have a full house. In the meantime I'm spending time with my mom and hope to go look at lights with her and Girl Roomie while I am here. Seeing Poo is on the list too. My trips are too short, but also feel long. The puppy butt is staying with Bella and Baby and Oliver are home alone. I I'm sure she's fine always fear I will return to a dead parrot. I'm sure she's fine.

That's all I have. Nice and mellow and even keel. Can't possibly complain about that!

Wisdom from the magic pirate head

I asked the magic pirate head today the following question:

"Will I meet a nice man to date?"

To which he answered,

"No Way, ARRG!"

So of course I had to ask,

"Will I meet a mean man to date"

And he said,

"Aye, Captain!"

So you see? The ever truthful oracle says it's assholes for me so I'm going to stop trying to pick out the nice ones.

I'm looking forward to getting out of this funk and back to feeling confident and fulfilled again. I like me best that way.

A book

So much to say. So much self censure. The things I want to talk about, need to get out of my head and off of my chest so that I can let something healthy fill the fissure in my soul, I can’t. I am too public.

And then I argue with my self. Because I know I am beyond blessed. I am achieving the things I always dreamed of. I have no room for complaint. And yet I ask for more. I try to write about it, and I sound like I am throwing a pity party. I’m tired of those.

I delete my posts and remind myself to Need Less.

I have so much. The wonders, they don’t cease. From the Cookie Thief offering much needed cash to help him paint his kitchen to Bella’s wonderful discovery of an almost new washer and dryer, free, if I just pick them up. And Vic making sure I could. Mandrew hooking up the washing machine. It doesn’t sound like a big thing, but I would have made a larger mess. And I don’t know if I could have gotten the fittings tight enough.

My mom would tell me that I deserve these kindnesses because I’m a good person. I don’t see how I’m any better of a person than anyone else. But I do feel like it’s important to pay it forward.

I have so much. House, food, dog, a good job. The picture is pretty well perfect. The friends I have met here are unbelievable. I miss my family but with the friends I have, that hole in my soul is a little less empty. My cup runneth over.

And yet. That same issue boomerangs back again.

I’m lonely. I shouldn’t be. I have and do so much. I remind myself that it is a biological need and reality to want to have a partner. But I also like to tell myself that I am above that. That I am an evolved creature.

I know better. I am consistently making decisions that leave me curled up on the floor wondering when I’m going to get it right. I knowingly make the choices I make, telling myself that I’m being smart about it this time, and yet the end result is the same. How long will it take for it to stop hurting this time?

I tell myself I need to find the lesson. That it isn’t time right now; I watch the years slip by. I feel more and more like Bridgette Jones every day. Without the vodka and the cigarettes. Especially when people ask me, and they often do, why I am still single. I am not, actually, covered in scales. I don’t have a snappy comeback; I just smile and shrug my shoulders. Then I break a little more inside.

Bella asked me today if there isn’t a reason I choose unavailable men. I have explored this. I have looked over my psyche with a magnifying glass and a nit comb. I have examined the men I have dated in the 5 years since my last long term, real, solid, secure relationship. There are some patterns. I am trying to learn from those. Sometimes, there just aren’t. B. How could I have known he was lying about everything? Hi5. We still talk over messenger sometimes. He says he misses me. He says he made a mistake. He says maybe he wants to see me when he’s in town, or maybe it would be better if he didn’t. Jess. Who told me how wonderful I am, how interested he is in getting to know me better. We’ve scheduled 2 dates. They both got cancelled. He had good reasons. Still I had to wonder if that’s how it would be. It seems when I try and break the pattern, when I try to choose wisely, I’m still wrong. I can only blame myself for so much failure. Sometimes, it’s not my fault. I can’t control what other people do.

That’s where I am right now. Where I have been for the last couple of months since the “I am Woman Hear Me Roar” momentum of Hi5 moving and me buying a house wore off. During the worst of it, I hold my head up high, smile, and if possible, skate it off. It’s hard to focus on my heart when I am concerned about what my feet are doing or where the next hit will come from. I have to admit though, that it doesn’t take much to distract me from my focus and to bring it all back. I try to keep that to myself too. I made a promise.

Until things change though, and they always do, I will do what I always do. Smile. Persevere. And try to remember to count my blessings when I can’t sleep.

Little Miss Popular

Although I don't really date, not for lack of trying, it just rarely gets as far as a man taking me (anywhere) to dinner, it appears that I am quite desirable.

I wouldn't know this except that I have now received two emails from two different men. (although they must know each other because the verbage was exactly the same in both.) Yes indeed. I, amazingly have so facinated these two men that they wrote secret blogs to me.

Now, I didn't read the second one, but the first one, written just for me, invited me to guess who the author was and to take a look at some racy pictures of him with my name written on his body via a website. Now, mind you , the website would ask for my credit card number, but only to verify that I am not a robot.

Alas, I have sworn off paying for dates. But gosh, it's flattering to know I am wanted.

In other news, things are much the same as they have been. The house is being unpacked slowly, I am looking forward to spending some time with my family during the next couple of holidays, and I fear I must be insane because in addition to hearing voices and talking to myself, I find myself repeating the same action and expecting different results. Actually, I haven't heard voices in a few years...But I'm pretty sure that if I look at other stuff scientifically, the end result should have been obvious.

Stupid girl.

Where did November go?

I can't rightly say. It seems like last weekend that I was cleaning and painting then moving. Then cleaning and cleaning and not-bouting. (I reffed. it was awesome. I still got knocked over)

The new mattress, it's helping the pain go away. So are weekly visits to the Chiropractor. Except now I get to go 2 weeks without. YAY! progress!

Drove to San Diego for the Holiday. I did my best to snort my niece up my nose and take her with me. It didn't work, but I swear it wasn't for lack of trying. It was good to spend a few moments with my family. I don't feel like I spent enough. And the crowds were large enough at each stop that I fear there are some important people I missed giving more than a hug to. I hope I don't regret that. My father showed up to Maddy's baptism and birthday. I gave him a hug and didn't want to let go. It was a strange moment in my world. It was neat learning that the church where the ceremony was held was the same one where Daddy and some of his brothers were baptised. It's always neat to gather a little family history. Especially since I used to love looking at that church as we drove past on the 5 freeway.

Daddy looked so small. (it could have been the high heels) I worry about how much longer I will have him; despite our history, I love him and am proud of him for all that he has accomplished in the last couple of years. But his body is starting to give; he has developed heart trouble and I know in my heart that all the years of hard and fast living is catching up. I wish I could get that through the heads of addicts. That what they are doing now is taking years away from them later.

It was wonderful seeing Girl Roomie too. And kissing her pregnant belly. She's going to make such a wonderful mom. She's an incredible person.

All in all a good trip. And a wonderful holiday. I can't WAIT to go back for Christmas!

A conspiracy theory

I love my house. But enough about that.

What I took from my buying experience is the knowledge that people are far more kind and generous than I ever thought possible. From the overall well wishes, to the loan shark (loan turtle?), to my coworkers who paid for an epoxy floor for my garage. And the one who came over and spent his Sunday installing it. And Mandrew who is my hero because he brought over 3 TRUCKLOADS while I was at work, then rearranged my living room so when I got home, it looked like a home and I felt a little bit of peace for the first time in weeks. And he gave the bunny treats. And the puppy some love. That guy really knows how to make a girl swoon. And the fellas who gave me their Saturday morning, moved my crap, and then THANKED me for such an easy move. And then left before I could feed them beer. or lunch. and before they ate all the donuts. Ahem. And Pdog who let me feed him beer and lunch. It made me happy to treat.

And my wife. I seperate her out from everyone else that helped me to move because she did so much more. She listened to nonstop house talk for three months. She gave me support and encouragement and mushy gushy. Overall, she makes it bearable to be without my family. I will never be able to repay her for all that she has given me and she would laugh at me for suggesting that I should try.

The unpacking has begun as has the cleaning and gathering of crap from the old house. I'm gonna have to take some serious stock of my stuff because I just don't have as much cabinet space. And there are hobbies I have not touched in years. Mandrew said after moving my stuff (That it was like going through the underwear drawer of my personality) that I need to have another garage sale and I wholheartedly agree. Heck, I found stuff while I was clearing the old place that I need to pass along. I didn't want to bring it with but, I don't really have a choice.

In other random news, I was pondering the internet porn industry on my way home from work and it occurred to me, that if you were a person who thought porn was evil, what better way to make it "dirty" than to give it a virus that gets passed along to those who watch it? An internet STD. Call the disk doctor, my computer caught herpes. Well, mine didn't I don't look at porn.

Still crazy after all these years...

I closed on my house today. At least, I'm pretty sure it's mine. I have a key. And I used the bathroom WITH THE DOOR OPEN. The bathroom door, not the front door. I locked the front door. Sometimes, neighbors just come on in. Thank goodness I had TP in my car.

The spending though, the spending has just begun. I need a refrigerator, washer and dryer, tires, a new mattress and paint. Ok, I bought the mattress tonight.

This is not a luxury item! I needed one. The old one is about 14. My grandmother (the dead one) bought it for me with a bed set that is now long gone. I love my bed. is comfy and broken in. But my back has been hurting for going on 3 months now. It feels the best when I am able to sleep on the edges which is kind of difficult; I keep slipping into the sagging middle. Back problems mean I can't skate. Or at least not to my full capacity. No bueno. No Bueno at all. Plus I hurt all the time but the SKATING!! lol. 

I'm excited though. Quite a bit stressed and over reaching with my time, but excited. I know myself. I will pull it off, I always do. 

A home of my own. living there is going to be FANTASTIC!!

The waiting! The horrible, horrible waiting!

tap. tap.

Anyone who knows me knows I have very little patience. very little. little. I try really hard and for the most part can control my spastic tendencies and manage to not go nuts and fly apart into all sorts of directions all at once. little bits of monster everywhere. 

On the outside, in public, stoic with a smile, if that is possible. Alone? total spaz. total. Without an ounce of ability to handle any sort of excitement without running around the house jumping up and down and harassing the dog.

You will never see that if I can help it. Even those with otherwise privileged viewing don't get to see that. They can see me nakid, but not spazzing out and NEVER will anyone see both at the same time. Except the dog. He doesn't tell on me. And he can't hold a camera. No thumbs.

So the fact that I am sitting calmly typing on the computer, telling you all my deep dark secrets instead of freaking out over the fact that I am THIS CLOSE to signing papers on my house? A minor miracle. I totally thought it would be today and that I would have a key and be able to invite all the girls and boys over for a beer (or Mikes as the case may be) after practice. But it isn't. Which means I will have to sit through a WHOLE NOTHER day not spazzing out and concentrating on my work while my house is ALMOST MINE.

Almost. But not quite. But also not his.

Him. He is at the top of my list of wonderful men right now. He has been cleaning the house as he moves out. Cleaning! a Short Sale! Do you know how much stress he saved me? Seriously! My mom thinks I should give him my number but I think that's creepy. And I really need to stay away from the recently divorced ones. Ahem. They have healing to do. I'll still have to clean a bit, of course, but still, I am a lucky girl.

Practice will be a good place to spend all this excess energy. Derby. My favorite love/hate relationship. I love the skating. I hate the politics.  I consider leaving, but I love it so. I don't know how to be less involved. So much I don't say here because it is public. So many rants unspoken. And I don't think there is a way to password protect through blogger. 

I know. I shouldn't say anything here that I wouldn't shout from the rooftops. Which is why I don't. Hi5 chatted one day that I should remember that it is a hobby and not a lifestyle. He has no idea how the sport and the surrounding community suck you in. And in some cases suck you dry. I have joined a vampire cult? I look and feel great but sometimes I think I have given up my soul to get there. And when someone new joins? When they tell me how they love it? I rub my hands together and say "excellent" in my best Montgomery Burns impression because I know I have helped to hook someone else onto my drug. 

Then there are nights like tonight. Where I work as hard as I can and after feel warm and fuzzy and I remember why I stay.

Sigh. So many thing running thorough my head...

Where it's at

I walked through my house today. It looks good and he's CLEANING IT AS HE GOES. Holy crap, I'm a lucky girl. It does need to be painted but the house is the awesome. 

I've been super busy procrastinating the packing process and coming up with new illiterations.  And with Derby. I've been working the haunted house at the skate rink to hep raise money for the league. Thanks to this wonderful opportunity, I have two new portraits to share. 

Although it may not be readily apparent, I am scary. What is even scarier is how I managed to do this:

This may not look particularly impressive until consider that in order to leave a face print on the wall, you have to hit it pretty hard. My nose is still tender, and it's still frickin hilarious. And no, I was stone cold sober.