Of Cowboys and Goats

Funny thing is, that the Cowboy and the Goat share a name. Cowboy thought that was pretty darn funny.

Tonight he underlined the fact that as long as we continue to have fun, we can continue to spend time together. Fun. A Good time. He underlined that he isn't looking for another wife. (Right after he told me he was dissapointed at not getting to hang out with me last week.) That most women get these ideas after going out a few times about whomever they are dating being "the one"

I explained that I understood, (even though it hurt. I didn't tell him that part, I just stalked around my room) but that women always think that way because it's how we are. That he had made it abundantly clear where he was coming from.

Can I handle that? of course. I've been doing it for years. As long as he doesn't think that having fun means anything physical because that is where I have to draw my lines. Because we have all seen how I don't know how to seperate the physical from the emotional and frankly, I think I am worth far more than a good time. and I think I have wasted too much of myself on "hopefully" and "probably".

So sure, Cowboy, we can be friends. We can hang out and have fun together. And I? will not allow silly romantic dreams of fairy tale endings blind me to what you said. Because I believe that you meant it.

And I? will keep looking for my fairytale ending because I know it's worth it to wait for what is right and damnit, I deserve it.

So maybe tomorrow but definately the next day? we can go out to dinner. And if you show up and I have paint on my nose and glue on my fingers? Or wool in my hair? It's because I don't see any reason to be exceptionally careful with my appearance for someone out to have a good time. My "pals" like me that way.

(after I hung up the phone I stomped around and threatened to throw the phone. But since I NEED it, I didn't. But I wanted to. I also stomped quietly so as not to alert the neighbors. or the roomates.Because, you know, I was likeing that one even though I have tried to play it off. What I really need is a good heartfelt scream)

When the road gets dark

Every so often, life gets a little dramtic, and in my worries about the future, I panic.

And somehow, I have to remind myself to trust. Trust that Poo won't let me fall. Trust that if I hadn't made the right decision, the door to my old life wouldn't have shut so firmly, so quickly. Trust that sometimes, the trail gets bumpy, but I just have to ride it out. After all, smooth sailing all the time gets a little dull. REmember that above all, I'm a survivor.

So tonight, while I was showering, Jewel popped into my head. and I sang along with her. And I was reminded to Have a Little Faith in Me.

And if you have not heard her version of that song, it rocks. It's on the soundtrack to the movie Phenomenon.

momentary something or other

Will someone please find me a bra that fits? please?

There was supposed to be a picture with that, but as soon as the camera was rolling, the bra suddenly fit. so you get me face instead.

Happy HNT, for the first time in a long time

No title.

So, even though I giggle a little when I think of Cowboy (who expressed a little bit of interest last night on the phone, or at least I took it that way) I have learned not to put all my eggs in one basket and I am still chatting with other guys. (no other dates lately)

Anyway, there's one fellow I have been chatting with since I got here. Although I was not interested in him romantically, his title says "just looking for friends" and his profile underlines this. He quickly wanted to chat online, but since I was using Poo's computer, I didn't feel right about that. He suggested chatting at work, but that most certainly not allowed. Once I got my set up in my room, I gave him my email address so that he didn't have to keep paying to talk to me. For some reason, his emails didn't arrive. He suggested IM, I let him know I am on Yahoo Messenger. (and that is enough for me) The following is copied from out converstions.

He:
So may i ask when you will be online again?

Me:
Might be later tonight, I am going to go be social with the roomies.

He:
ok thank you
(later) probably should have re-phrased that. when will you actually be able to talk. I am battin a 1000 trying to get you to at least say hi :)

Me:
I can be difficult that way. I don't spend an extreme amount of time in my room because I like to be social and I spend most of my workday on the computer. So at home, it's hit and miss. I never know when I will get distracted from whatever it is I am doing and see what is on my computer. I WAS hiding from the bananas in the kitchen, but now I'm hungry so out I go!

He:
So why did you even bother contacting me if you werent really going to take this seriously. Your making about 0 effort and i have to chase you down for you to even say hi to me. Why even have a profile?

Me:
I'm sorry, last I checked, you contacted me. And I said I think we could be friends based on the fact that your profile states that you are looking for friends. Or was that just a way to get women to be comfortable with you?

It seems to me that I have been as friendly with you as I have with anyone else. I gave you my email address, I don't know why your emails weren't going through. I gave you my yahoo screen name, and you didn't try to chat that way. I made it pretty clear that I don't spend all night on my computer so that you wouldn't think I was ignoring you. I'm not sure what else you expect from me. If I frustrate you, I am sorry. Some people don't know how to handle me and that's ok. I wish you the best.

OOH! I feel a bit of DRAMA coming on!

don't leave pubes in my soap and don't piss on the toilet seat

And you can share my bathroom.

Boy roomie has come to stay.

I got home from a rather stressful work after noon to discover (oh, the horror!!) bananas! To big bunches of bananas! So I reacted like any other person with an allergy and I asked him to please not buy them anymore. That for me, bananas are like bringing peanuts around someone with a peanut allergy. I can't touch them, I don't sniff them, I don't get near them. I SWELL UP. ON MY FACE. Which wouldn't be so bad if it were just a hive or two, but my lips swell and get blisters. which means the allergy is really bad and can become life threatening.

He told me not to eat them or touch them. People without allergies can be very frustrating. I? cannot eat any of the fruit in the fruit bowl. and I? Don't really want to go in the kitchen.

sigh.

I'm still appriciative of the situation that I am in. It just looks like I will be spending a lot more time in my room.

Ooda lolly, ooda lolly, golly what a day

From the silliness of the gym experience, my day just went wonky. Almost got in an accident on my way to work (someone elses fault. Had I not stopped, I woulda T-Boned that box truck) and then I just got angrier when the housekeepers were taking thier sweet time at the time clock. After standing there for 5 minutes while one showed another how to get clocked in, the following conversation was had:

Man Coworker: You still Waiting?
Me: Yeah, they're giving a demonstration (I must have used "that" tone)
Man Coworker: Ah, someone is new.
Housekeeping Admin: You know there are two other timeclocks by the staff cafe...
Me: *Look of Death*

Right now my sister is saying "uh oh". the thing is, that every day at 8:00 am, the housekeeping shift starts. We call it the "March of the Penguins". Think 50 people, all crammed into a 5 ft wide hallway clocking in, accessing lockers (which take up a foot of that hallway, gathering bottles of cleaner for the day ahead. They do not part. they block the way. Most mornings, I don't even see them, but today was my first day clocking in at 8am. And they could care less that I was waiting to get to the time clock. Actually, they can generally care less if you just want to get through. I was 2 minutes late. It seems to me that It would be smart to either encourage them to use another time clock or stagger the start time a bit.

I was a bit steamy (and not in a good way) but the time i reached my desk which had been taken over by the new admin (again) this time I couldn't chase her off because my stuff had been moved over the weekend to my new desk. Cool! I had hoped this would happen, so Friday, I made sure I swept the area and wiped down my desk.

Whomever cleaned and polished the floor set two nasty old office chairs on my desk which dripped an unknown icky substance on my desk. GRR! And everything was covered in a fine layer of dust. GRRR! And when IT put in my computer, they completely bypassed the keyboard drawere and set everything up on my desk...ROAR!

I am strong when I am angry.

I switched filing cabinets because the one I had was legal size with those stupid railings that look all rickety to make it letter size so I changed it for one that was built for hanging folders.

I warned all my coworkers that I was angry and Vickie fed me chocolate covered Altoids. (oh. YUM) then we headed out to go get some hot drinks and when I hit the ice dispenser (the hot drinks are too hot, Goldilocks), hawaiian punch drenched my hand and suit. I had to laugh. Things got better after I washed up. My desk got clean and most of the scotch tape applied by it's previous owner removed. By afternoon when the office supplies arrived, I was singing. And then I got PAID!

I'm blaming it on the full moon and impending eclipse. Thank goodness the day ended well.

In other news, Clint Called. He tried to tell Poo he was arrested, but his story just doesn't check out. At least he is alive, but I should be a lttle embarassed to see him again seeing as how he lied to Poo and made me worry. Apparently, according to his dad, he's been arrested and kidnapped and all sorts of things over the years to explain his absences. So sad. I'm glad it's over.

the best laid plans

So, I've been feeling fluffier than usual, a state that has only gotten worse since I moved to the great state of NV. I'm thinking it's because I've been eating a lot of ice cream and drinking a lot of soda. Like one or more a day to my previous no more than 1 a week. I won't get into all the steak and potatoes or the beer brats I had for dinner last night.

Since my work hours got changed to 8:00 am, I decided I would take the opportunity to get up and go to the gym. And I did! But the door was locked. Not to be put off, I thought I would take a jog around the apartments. I might have gone one tenth of a mile before I was so tired and out of breath that I had to stop. Poo says it's the higher altitude. I think that after a month, I should be acclimated. So I will keep on trying.

And I am going to start keeping track of what I eat. And how much water I drink. I'm constantly feeling dehydrated here. Here's to improving my health.

parents are funny

It never ceases to amaze me how after two dates, a guy can be my boyfriend. Never mind that I'm not even sure what he thinks of me, never mind that we've never so much as shaken hands. We went on two dates. He's my boyfriend. My mom's askin Poo all sorts of questions about the Cowboy. I? Don't consider him a fixture. He's someone I like. But it's possible that nothing will come of it. It's possible that The Intellectual will sweep me offa my feet after all.

But if my mom wants to believe that I have found the love of my life after two dates, well, I'm glad it makes her happy.


If you are wondering, there is still no sign of Clint. After talking to his mom and dad, Poo has learned that this is how he rolls. First paycheck, and he's gone. Poo still put out a missing persons, and wonders if he will come in Monday to pick up his paycheck. One of these days we're going to need to pack up his stuff and send it to his parents.

He likes me, He likes me not...

Maybe I am just not used to spending time with a man who is a gentleman. Maybe he's like me, and saying he had a nice time, lets do it again next week is his way of saying "I really like you". I don't know.

took me out to dinner...He likes me.
Stayed at least a full foot away from me all evening...He likes me not.

I don't think I'm stinky...He gave me a piece of gum after dinner...He made it pretty darn clear he's not looking for another wife, but to meet some nice people.

Where does that leave me? feeling a little rejected even though he says he wants to hang out again next week.

This slow movin thing is gonna kill my ego.

I did have a nice time. I'm trying not to be a freak. it's not being easy.

I stole this from jestertunes

You entered: What, you think I am going to give you my full real name? no way, Monkeys! But given that my first name means Queen, and my last name translates to Military Dictator, I think I might be destined to rule the world.

The frightening thing, is, that much of this is true.Even the so-called bad stuff.

There are 17 letters in your name.
Those 17 letters total to 79
There are 8 vowels and 9 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:
Spanish Female Queen.
Latin Female Queen.
Italian Female Queen.

Your number is: 7

The characteristics of #7 are: Analysis, understanding, knowledge, awareness, studious, meditating.

The expression or destiny for #7:
Thought, analysis, introspection, and seclusiveness are all characteristics of the expression number 7. The hallmark of the number 7 is a good mind, and especially good at searching out and finding the truth. You are so very capable of analyzing, judging and discriminating, that very little ever escapes your observation and deep understanding. You are the type of person that can really get involved in a search for wisdom or hidden truths, often becoming an authority on whatever it is your are focusing on. This can easily be of a technical or scientific nature, or it may be religious or occult, it matters very little, you pursue knowledge with the same sort of vigor. You can make a very fine teacher, or because of a natural inclination toward the spiritual, you may become deeply emerged in religious affairs or even psychic explorations. You tend to operate on a rather different wavelength, and many of your friends may not really know you very well. The positive aspects of the 7 expression are that you can be a true perfectionist in a very positive sense of the word. You are very logical, and usually employ a quite rational approach to most things you do. You can be so rational at times that you almost seem to lack emotion, and when you are faced with an emotional situation, you may have a bit of a problem coping with it. You have excellent capabilities to study and learn really deep and difficult subjects, and to search for hidden fundamentals. At full maturity you are likely to be a very peaceful and poised individual.

If there is an over supply of the number 7 in your makeup, the negative aspects of the number may be apparent. The chief negative of 7 relates to the limited degree of trust that you may have in people. A tendency to be highly introverted can make you a bit on the self-centered side, certainly very much self-contained . Because of this, you are not very adaptable, and you may tend to be overly critical and intolerant. You really like to work alone, at your own pace and in your own way. You neither show or understand emotions very well.

Your Soul Urge number is: 8

A Soul Urge number of 8 means:
With an 8 soul urge, you have a natural flair for big business and the challenges imposed by the commercial world. Power, status and success are very important to you. You have strong urges to supervise, organize and lead. Material desires are also very pronounced. You have good executive abilities, and with these, confidence, energy and ambition.

Your mind is analytical and judgment sound; you're a good judge of material values and also human character. Self-controlled, you rarely let emotions cloud judgment. You are somewhat of an organizer at heart, and you like to keep those beneath you organized and on a proper track. This is a personality that wants to lead, not follow. You want to be known for your planning ability and solid judgment.

The negative aspects of the 8 soul urge are the often dominating and exacting attitude. You may have a tendency to be very rigid, sometimes stubborn.

Your Inner Dream number is: 8

An Inner Dream number of 8 means:
You dream of success in the business or political world, of power and control of large material endeavors. You crave authority and recognition of executive skills. Your secret self may have very strong desire to become an entrepreneur.

The many reasons I love my seester

S:
we signed our loan documents this morning
i don't feel like working

ginamonster:
Do you feel like dancing??

S:
okay!
i'll go get the beegees!

ginamonster:
I love you.

S:
i love YOU!


"You make me feel like dancing!! (I wanna dance the night away)"...

In other news, we have no word from Clint, I finally went ahead and called Cowboy, and the Intellectual, despite his invite out for cocktails tonight, ended up unavailable. I? am going to return to my spinning wheel and parrot in a minute.

And it just gets stranger

Clint's missing. Haven't seen him since Friday.

He clocked in at 5:30 am on Saturday, (he was scheduled at 4 am) but no one ever saw him and he didn't clock out. He didn't show up to work today. Although we called all weekend long because he was supposed to go to Virginia City with us, he never called back.

I called the Sheriff's office (no, Officer Dangle did not answer, and no, I didn't ask for him) but he's not in jail, and I called the hospitals, but he isn't there either. I did not call the morgue.

Odd. We're worried.

will.not.go.wacko...

I'm feeling a bit disappointed but not freaked out (surprisingly) that Cowboy did not call as he said he would this evening. I did, however, have a nice chat with possibility #3 who I will likely met for Pho sometime soon.

Meanwhile I promise not to get too disappointed unless I don't hear from Cowboy for several more days in which case, you will likely hear a heardfelt DARN. Cuz, you know, I really like that one.

Went to Virginia City today. It was a cultural experience. I remembered at the last moment, thankfully, that you should never ask a man what kind of nuts he has.

Even though he's just making you a hot fudge sundae.

Get a life

SO someone posted all sorts of crap about the boss and I on craigslist. It seems to me that if they have nothing better to do than to rant and rave on craigslist, I mean, if they really want a place to rave, they should get a blog, right?

Or, you know, maybe they should be out looking for a job instead of fooling around on the internet. (Yes I know the internet is an excellent place to get a job and that craigslist is a fantastic online resource. I'm just mad and doing my best not to respond (on craigslist) to what was posted.) Oh, and get their facts strait. I may have worked in a barn, but it was a 180 million dollar barn. and the golf course might have weeds, but I prefer to call them native vegetation. and when PGA hosts a tournament there this October? Enough said.

Grr. grr. GRRR!

oh my.

I really liked my time this evening with The Cowboy. A lot.

Yes, it's true. Two dates in one week. Both of them interesting prospects.

One, learned the story of the last ten years and made me run away at the end.

The other talked to me about cartoons and bad karaoke, and there was no fear when he walked me to my car. And when I turned for one last look? he waved.

So, what I REALLY want to know is...

Can you get a root beer belly? because I think I might be getting one.

In the moment

Where to begin? Do I begin at work today when my new friend was let go because it turns out he has a rap sheet? Or do I discuss how I was excited about a date tonight? Or how on my way to said date, I called two other fellas, one of whom I had a nice conversation and stuck my foot in my mouth in the end. The other called back while I was on my date as well as another who is a lovely fella too.

Or do I begin where I tried so hard to be on time and ended up 15 minutes early to my meeting. Do I start at the point where I called my date to tell him I was rediculously early only to find out he was going to be late? Sit with me, in your mind, at Loolous, a swanky kind of place with "stainless" trimming, white couches, lime green walls, and a really bad modern art piece accosting my right eye. Think with me about how the bartender was surprised that someone would order SoCo and Seven and then spend 45 minutes calling everyone she can think of so as not to feel like a complete idiot in a bar not really her style. Wonder with me about what is on the other side of the frosted glass wall. And realize that although the situation sucks, it'll make for good blogging later.

In walks my date, who turns out to be more attractive than his pictures. Who is comfortable and interested in my world as I see it (or was it the SoCo haze?Not so much his looks but his interest?) Who didn't seem at all surprised that there was a bathroom on the other side of the frosted wall.

And at the end of the night, at my car, after discussing my life story right down to what happened to C and I (he seemed amazed that we are still friends, despite my insistance that C is a dear friend and I can't imagine life without him, and yes, it took time to get there) when I realized it was time to go and oh my goodness it's the end of the date and people sometimes Kiss at the end of dates, and I panicked and announced that I was feeling very awkward and was going home.

He called me later, to see what that was all about, and I tried to explain while the dads were listening, of course, that I don't date often and didn't know what to do. And I am feeling very embarassed. I emailed him, and explained a little about how I am not used to non casual physical contact, and no I didn't use that exact phrase. I hope I have not made a complete idiot out of myself because I would like to see him again. He was nice. and comfortable.

He said he had wanted to kiss me and might have asked to do so if i hadn't run away. The 14 year old girl who waited too long to make up her mind the first time a boy asked for a kiss? she's still there. If that same boy hadn't snuck up on me a year later, who knows when I would have joined the ranks of smoochers. It still terrifies me, that first step beyond casual aquaintence and admitting you are interested. Since I don't count the drunk river snack, it's been a year since I have dealt with this fear. And the whole thing with Biker Bob? If you remember correctly, he rejected me in so many ways that it's his image that I pull up now, to keep me from being taken for granted again. We were both at fault for so many things, but sometimes, he was cruel. Many times, he undermined my self confidence so badly that I could do little more than beat myself up for allowing him to do it.

And now, I am afraid again. Afraid of first kisses. Afraid of involvement. Afraid of date two.

It was time

I took a trip to San Diego this weekend to be in Bug Guy's wedding. I didn't end up performing the ceremony, only played bridesmaid, which was ok, although a little disappointing because I really worked hard on their vows. I'm thinking that I will give them to them anyway, because I liked what I wrote so much.

It was wonderful to spend time with my mom, and my grandmother happened to be in town as well. Seester popped in because the Chargers were playing, and Girl Roomie came down and we all got pedicures. It couldn't have been better, except for the part where I had to go home. Especially hard was the part where Girl Roomie gave me a present she made, a little scrapbook with all my friends in it. There were even pictures of us at the house. I will keep it at my desk for when I need a smile.

I wasn't expecting one little thing in my lovely weekend.

I saw my father. I didn't have to, I could have chosen not to go, but I knew that going was the right thing to do, even though it wasn't the easy way. (Have you ever noticed that the right way is rarely the easy way?) He needed gas money so he could go to a job interview. since Seester wssan't going to make it into town in time, my mom took him the money. I chose to go.

He actually looks really good. We all had a good conversation, and it felt good to hug him. I took him by surprise when I mentioned that I had moved to Reno. I think it upset him a bit that I moved without telling him. I didn't really see how I should be expected to. After all, I hadn't seen him in nearly 4 years.

the most important part though, was the part where he held me tight and whispered into my ear,

"I'm sorry"

I knew how hard it was for him to say so. And I knew that I had to tell him,

"I forgive you"

The moment the words, which felt empty as they welled up in my throat, passed through my lips, I realized that I meant it.

Bound

I think it's safe to say that I lead a strange life. I recently moved to a city I had never been to, where I only knew one person. I currently live with two cowboys. Both 50. Both, at night tend to be drunk.

Tonight is a quiet night. Last night, not so much. I guess it depends on if they're drinking whisky and Dr Pepper, Rum and Coke, or beer. They seem to get a lot louder with the liquor.

Last night it was rum and coke. I never really see them buy the hard stuff, it only appears. If one doesn't pick something up at night, the other does. The volume goes up, and on work nights, I just want them to be done so I can go to sleep. they are not violent, not out of hand. Just loud. Last night, they were loud enough to wake me from my slumber. I had trouble going back to sleep after that.

I've never really liked drunkin conversation. Things get said that are better left unsaid. words slip out that in sober times would remain behind locked lips. I know they are really in their cups when they start arguing about which one is my dad and who loves me more. They are good men. But I like the sober nights best.

I need to get out on my own. Laying awake listening to them talk late into the night, or waking because one has fallen asleep with the TV on (I can hear it through my door sometimes) I am reminded that I like living alone. But I am fortunate, so fortunate. To live for free and have my own room. Huge dinners every night. I feel bad complaining, even to myself. I would never say anything. I cannot judge what others do with their spare time, it is not my stone to cast.

And I remain. it will be several months before I feel on my feet enough to move out. Several paychecks. I must be diligent and save them. I pray for the opportunity to move into a house. My house. But I will gladly settle for an apartment of my own. In the meantime, I am greatful. And I try to sleep through the noise. I have so much to be greatful for.

There is no turning back. I will not complain. I'm glad to be heading south for the weekend. Bug Guy's wedding is Saturday and I will be staying with my mom. I miss her. I plan to get some sleep.

Hostess Philosophy

"A Ding Dong, without the filling, is just chocolate cake"

Thank you.



in other news, the Admin was let go yesterday. I have mixed feelings. I don't like it when people get fired.