Little Bliss List

I worried that I would not be able to dig up enough bliss this week to form a list. But it seems to me that when you are hurting the most, that is when you should find those blissful moments. That's when it is most important to count your blessings.

Without sounding too maudlin, and I am trying really hard to move out of the "woe is me" phase, I'm still walking a fine line between tears and "okay". When I care, I care deeply, whether I am showing it or not. I hope that never changes about me.

I started my list early. So that I wouldn't miss or forget anything. It's so easy to lose the sunshine when life is a little cloudy.

1. I got to snuggle the most adorable pit bull puppy. She's 7 weeks old and still made of velvet and milk teeth
2. my own pup has been at my side, where I need him, and I am thankful for him
3. time with friends has been awesome this week. They have taken turns distracting me and cheering me up.
4. I signed up for the Color Me Rad run in Reno in September. I know its a couple of months away, but I am really looking forward to a fun little 5k full of color. I don't see how it won't be joyful.
5. I hit over 10,000 steps on my fancy pedometer two days in a row!!

Amusing ourselves.

I know that you have noticed that I tend to have a lot of typos. And it tends to create all sorts of giggling in the cube. (which just got me snapped at by the guy accross the way, but what he doesn't know is that I need to be giggling right now. weepy, snotty monsters are no fun to work with. I'm okay with him not knowing that. Home drama does not belong at work.)

That is not the point. The point is, that I tend to misspell the word "Depository" mostly because it is not pronounced that way in common conversation. Instead, I spell it "Depositry" which is probably why Hooked on Phonics went out of business.

I forget to use Spell Check. Always. Except when I send an email since outlook is awesome and I set it up to be automatic.

That is also not the point.

The point is, that I explained to Bratty that it IS a Depositry when you are depositing your money or precious things into the knothole of the tree in your yard.

Which I have never done. Because the only tree with a knothole in my yard when I was a kid had bees in it. (The tree in my yard now is too little to have knotholes. It's not going to get any bigger because it is dead.someday I will chop it down. With an axe. More on that later) That may be a bit of an exaggeration, we had a lot of trees. but I only remember one having a hole in it.

The knothole story brought up the fact that I will not willingly stick my hand or fingers into holes I can't see into. I'm afraid there will be bugs in there. or dead things. Or leaves. Or really anything that might go TSSS or crunch when I touch it.

This is why I will not go rock climbing. I have reoccurring thoughts of what it would be like to reach into a crack, halfway up a mountain, find something scary, let go and fall off.

No thank you.

This conversation reminded me of the fact that I can't see under my desk and that there might be scary things lurking under there. It took awhile before I stopped being afraid of the underneath of my desk, although now that I mention it, it's creepy under there.

Short, (bitter)sweet, and hopefully without drama

In short, I've gone out and had my heart broken again. As always, I had hoped that the last time would be the last time and that THIS time I would get it right.

I was wrong.

It's possible that the door was left cracked open. Time will tell about that. There was no drama, no burned bridges. There is no hate or anger.

That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.

As I told my mother, this isn't the first time I've been through this (as always, I hope it's the last). I know that I will hurt physically for a little while. (Funny how a broken heart actually feels like your heart is breaking. The nausea is new). I know that I will have to force myself to eat for a couple of weeks. I know the weepies will sneak up on me and that I will have to fight them away while I maintain the facade that I am happy and joyful and that the world is my oyster.

I don't actually like oysters. Well, the critter itself is just fine and I really like the way that they take something irritating and hurtful and turn it into something beautiful. But they taste terrible. And they are filter feeders. Gross. And well, we've already discovered that I don't make pearls, I make... eew, I'm not talking about that.

And that is the state of things right now.

Hooray!

They told me how to fix it.

Lost without you

I really dislike our society's current misuse of the terms "obsessed" and "addicted" because I tend to feel like these terms describe something far more serious than you really like tuna sammiches and that's all you want to eat right now or gee, I sure do like roses and like to have them on my dining room table. (I do like roses but I no longer have a dining room table)

No, in my world an obsession is something you can't stop thinking about. It's something dark and clinical and can be dangerous. It can go hand in hand with an addiction which to me means your body has become so accustomed to a substance be it made by your body (Adrenalin and endorphins) or something you ingest like cocaine or caffeine. Sugar.

I also am very very careful with the term "Love". I love my mom. And my siblings. and their children. There are a few men from my past that I will admit (in my head) to having loved. I know I loved them because part of me still does and always will even though I know now that we are better off not together. I love my critters. The very sight of them brings me an unbelievable amount of joy from the very depths of my soul.

I try not to love things.

But I can't help it. I love my Striiv. It's all I talk about. I check it all day. It's not the same kind of love I feel for the living things in my life, but when I dropped it yesterday and it wouldn't turn back on, I didn't know what to do with myself.

When I woke up this morning, I thought, OH BOY! Another day of reaching goals! And then I remembered.

I feel nakid without it by my side.

I don't want to get up off my lazy butt to go get things off the printer because, why? Walking just isn't fun anymore.

I want my centaurs to wave at me. I want to get more fairies and tigers and what else will come up that I don't know about? It's fun. It's exciting.

I'm pretty sure that I have completed another marathon since I last logged in. Earned more water for needy children. Maybe even a polio vaccine. How far up Mt Everest have I climbed?

I may never know! And now that I know that I CAN know, I WANT to know!

I contacted customer service. They got right back to me! They even gave me a link to a squishy cover for clumsy people like me. He told me how to fix it (we hope!) but I left it at home today. I'm still trying to decide if I should take my lunch break to go get it. Silly? Yes. But I have never said that I am not. If it is really really broken for ever, he gave me a coupon code for a discount on a new one. I hope I don't have to use it, but it's totally worth every penny. The customer service has been great. I want to send them cupcakes. Or cookies.

I'm totally not getting paid for any of this gushing. And since the Striiv is all I seem to be able to talk about lately, I'm sure that I will be letting you know how it all pans out.

Friday Bliss

I'm having a little trouble with it today because I have a VERY long weekend ahead of me which may include very little handsome man and a whole lot of being outside in the hot sun chasing rollergirls. Add that to the fact that I have business issues that I need to take care of face to face that came to light at about 8:00 this morning when I was still nakid and supposed to be at work and you can imagine that digging out the bliss might take a minute.

It's there. I know it. Because I am blessed, damnit. And it's been a couple of weeks since I have participated in Liv's list so I should really be overflowing with blissful things.

The funny thing about stress though, is that it becomes your every moment of thought. So the blissfull things that you would usually roll around in and toss joyfully into the air like sparkle confetti get forgotten in the focus of that one stressful moment.

Enough of that.

1. Poo came into town for a visit. In addition to getting to hang out with him, he cooked me a steak the size of my head and  I ate the whole thing. The whole thing. It was delicious. The bone and fat? went to the dog, who doesn't generally get that sort of thing. I think he might be hooked.
2. I love my new pedometer! Yesterday, when I synced it, I discovered that in the last couple of weeks I have completed a full marahon and part of another. It's great to be able to see the progress I have been making.
3. So, I'm at the handsome man's house on Sunday and I happen to glance up and see the most brilliant blue sky. So, I stared at it for awhile, and before I knew it, he was exclaiming that we have access to the bluest sky that there ever was. And we just sat there for a bit staring at the sky together.
4. My neighbor had a BBQ. It was tough to go because she and I have never actually met, but she's a smart one and invited the neighborhood, knowing that it might get noisy. Befor eI knew it, there was talk of fire spinners and kareoke. By the time I left, I was glad I went.
5. Poo and I cleaned up the yard a bit and he fired up the grill and we sat on the back patio and I just simply enjoyed the heck out of my home. And it was goood.
6. Goodbad chinese food and a free movie in the wife and sister! It is always fun hanging out with them, and well, you just can't get better than free for a movie.

I've missed my dear Poo. It's been a couple of years since I saw him and it wasn't until I picked him up from the airport that I realized just how big of a hole in my life he is supposed to fill. It was aewsome to have him and I am really happy that his new job will bring him to my area more often. I had to keep reminding myself that he would be back soon. He and the dog got along famously as I knew they would.

The rollercoaster (again)

If you have been keeping up with my ramblings for more than a day or two you know that I tend to think that I struggle with my weight. The reason I think I do is because some days I am content with where I am size wise and other days I feel like jabba the hutt.

Heaven forbid I should happen across a side view. (did you know that my boobs are fricken ginormous? I mean, they look pretty normal when I am getting ready for my shower but then I see a picture and I'm like WHOA! I can't believe I can do crunches with those things!!)

Anyhow, I am back on the "I'm gonna lose that 20 pounds, damnit" bandwagon. To help me with this, I bought myself a fancy pedometer. It has become my new favorite distraction. It tracks things I never would have thought of. you can see it (and buy it) here (this is not a paid advertisement. I really did spend 100 bux on a little machine that applauds when I do something good)

I love it. I've climbed the statue of liberty in stairs already. and I burn about a soda and a cupcake every day. So of course I have to replace those things... I'm kidding. But I have crossed the golden gate bridge 7 times in the last 2 weeks and I didn't even have to leave Reno!

The dog likes it because I run all over the house trying to complete challanges. My coworkers thing I'm nuts(er) because I get caught climging up and down the stairs.

That's all. We'll see if I can shed that poundage.

This story was a lot more exciting when I was going to include pictures, but my "skinny" picture looked like a blonde ape with really big knockers and well, after that I thought maybe I should get back to work.

It's that time of year

It just hit me that it's summer. I love summer. Late nights on the porch, looking at the sky with warm breezes all around.

Summer always feels like it is going to last forever but by the time it ends, I'm ready to start in with wintery things.

One thing I love about the summer is the state fair. I like to ride the Zipper (and hope I don't die in that poorly maintained deathtrap!!). I like to smell cotton candy and hot dogs and maybe try and win a stuffie. More than that, I like to look at the things that people make. The quilts and the photography. All the artsy crafty things. I like to visit with the spinners and weavers and talk about how if I just gave up a little skating I might have time to hang out with them more.

I love the animals. All the sheep and the goats and the chickens. I like to visit with the cows and talk to the horses. I like to listen to the pigs and smell the hay.

I like to look at all the stuff for sale that I don't need.

Nevada doesn't have a state fair anymore. I can't say it was particularly impressive before, but now that its gone, I kind of miss it. I hope they have something similar again this year.

Communication is key

I try not to complain about my job (here) because this IS a public forum and I would like to keep my job. But the following conversation is happening RIGHT NOW and it illustrates that clear communication is important. And a time saver. Mind you, the information I need is currently less than 5 feet away. But asking her interrupts her work flow. I can look it up, but that is causing me extra work that could have been communicated in less than 50 keystrokes.

coworker: Can one of you pick me up at the airport?
me: are you there right now??
(insert very long pause)
Coworker: No, tomorrow.
me: what time?
(I am still waiting for the answer to this)

She could have saved us a ton of effort and emails had she simply said, "Can one of you pick me up at the airport tomorrow at 8:30?"

I run into this a lot. People assuming you know what they are thinking and in the process send messages in a manner that is truncated. Or that since the information is availbale somewhere, you chould just go look it up.

For example, I might ask, "Do you want chicken or fish for lunch?" and you reply, "Yes."

This sort of thing makes me want to start drinking at work. Unfortunately, I would get fired. See above.

Sigh.

It's been more than 30 minutes. I'm still waiting to find out when I am supposed to pick her up.

Later...

It's been three hours. I just sent another message which said, "I will happily pick you up at the airport tomorrow but I need to know when your plane lands"

I did check her calendar (nothing) and I do know when she is supposed to land, but really? She needs to tell me when to come and get her. Principle.

The next day...
Pickup went great; her phone had died. BUT I made sure we are all set to get her back to the airport and have confirmed date and time for pick up again next week. I'm a planner. It's what I do.

Censoring my inner asshole

I need to remind myself that just because I can be an asshole in my head doesn't mean I need to share it with everyone. I understand that this makes for some entertaining or conversation provoking blogging, but that doesn't mean that is who I want to be.

These things are being written because the last couple of days I AM being an asshole in my head. And I DID share the assholery with Bratty... and those things that were coming out from my mouth? Sounded even worse verbalized. Partially because she belongs to the demographic I was ranting against. But she? Tends to get a pass because I love her.

So since I didn't get the relief I was looking for from her, I came here and started typing it out. Yanno what? the assholery grew. It didn't get better, it grew. I don't feel better for having shared it, I feel like I should feel guilty for feeling the way that I do.

Not a good way to spend the day. In the end, the more I bitch about it, the more I am the bitch. I am reminded that I need to stop expecing a cookie for being part of the village, and for doing my job. Goodness knows, thats a behaviour I don't accept from other people, why should I accept it from myself?

The shoe is kind of on the other foot.

I don't know if I have mentioned that over the last two years since we were in a realtionship and then it ended, that Cheese and I have remained friends. We don't hang out often but will occasionally go have lunch or dinner. He still has a key to my place so he can play with the dog whenever he wants (he rarely does) or wash his truck, and thankfully so because I've locked myself out of the house twice and given the wrong key to my mom once. Although we didn't work out romantically, I am lucky to still have him as a friend and I couldn't ask for a better one.

The guy I've been seeing (who I don't talk about except in extreme generalities for understandable reasons) thinks it's strange and a bit creepy that my ex has a key to my house, but is thankfully not the jealous type and doesn't say much about it.

Cheese's (fairly new) girlfriend decided that it was a good time to meet me. To which I readily agreed, since I never want to put someone in the position I was once in. The plan was to have a double date. TGIBS declined, as he doesn't want to meet my exes. I understand this. Just because I am friends doesn't mean he has to be and well, as long as he doesn't have a problem with the friendships, there's no reason to force the issue. There is no drama there; instead of a table for 4, it would be a table for three.

But apparently, without TGIBS, there was an issue. And they ended up breaking up over it. And that makes me feel sad even though I didn't really have anything to do with it. But I have been the jealous girlfriend watching my man spend time with someone he still cared about (I don't know what Cheese's feeling are towards me now, as far as I know, they are totally platonic.) and although I would gladly fade away rather than be the catalyst for a break up, that was never put on the table (as far as I know).

And although it's different because I was (am) willing to do whatever makes her comfortable (in his world her feelings should come first!), it kind of sucks that our friendship caused drama. I hope they are able to work it out.

Belated Bliss

I thought I missed out on sharing my bliss last week, but apparently, there's still a bit of time!

1. More good times with good friends
2. I started riding my bike a little last weekend! Just arond the neighborhood, but a little is more than nothing!
3. Good times, laughter and good company.
4. Lots of alone time which means I got a few projects done, read some books, and my house is pretty clean! In fact, I didn't even panic or scramble when someone new was coming over last night, I already knew it was clean enough. I know that the people who know me know that I tend towards clutter, and while this person is not one to judge, I always worry the first time someone new comes over. And sometimes when someone not-new comes over...

A heart full of happy

Friday os quickly becomming my favorite day because I get to share all the happy moments from my prior week. Thanks Liv Lane for continuing to host the Little Bliss List!

I took lots of blissful pictures, but I can't get them from here. :(

1. ROAD TRIP!! I packed up the dog last weekend and we went over the hill to visit my cousin. I got to hang out with my family, and Chango got to hang out with his friend Casey(dog)

2. When I got there, my nephew came out of his room to greet me as soon as he heard my voice. He may not hug me without prompt, he may not share his school triumphs or even have converstaions with me, (actually, he only communicated directly with me thiat weekend to puch me out of his favorite chair. I thought it was funny) but the fact that he came out of his room to greet me in his way told me he loves me.

3. HANDMADE! I headed over the hill to attend the Davis Whole Earth Festival. Although it was full of Hippies, and I was pretty granola'd out in the first hour or so, I always enjoy the opportunity to see and shop for well crafted handmade items. I scored a butter dish and a wind chime. Funny thing about the chime, I was attracted to it because it said "Bliss" and I wanted to use a picture of it here. I asked if I could take one, and the artist was okay with it. Then, I went ahead and bought it. The picture is still on my camera, of course.

4. Watching my nephew and his dad play. Listening to him laugh and giggle and watching him be tickled. That little boy (pre teen! Oh my goodness!!) is so fortunate to have a set of parents that love him. I know its not easy to have a special needs child.

5. Late night talks with my niece. She's a teen now and will start high school next year. She's so body concious. I enjoy the opportunity to sit down and help her to understand that she can't compare herself with the girls on TV, that her body is still changing, and how proud I am that she's boxing and developing good exercize habits, something my siblings and I never really did, and what a wonderful young lady she has grown to be. This is the second time we've been able to have these conversations, just the two of us after everyone has gone to bed, and I hope there are many more in the future.

6. Cupcakes!! One of my skating friends had a birthday this week and mentioned that she forgot to blow out a candle or have a birthday cake. So I made her cupcakes and held a tealight while everyone sang to her. This is the other reason I love derby.

There were so many more moments, too many to keep track of. Each one special in its own way. I can't wait to start counting up my moments for next week. Starting... NOW

Goodbye to another relic from my childhood

I hesitate to use the term relic, but I just thougt idol seemed too, worshippy.

Donna Summer has passed away.

I can't help but admit that I knew it would happen soon, but I still got a bit verklempt over it.

DONNA SUMMER DUDES! We totally exercized with my mom to her music. We sang to her in the car. We disco danced the night away. We had Donna Summer RECORDS!! Well, my mom did. And then they got stolen.

Donna Summer was part of my early childhood soundtrack. I will mourn her passing by buying her music and blasting it in my car. I am so very sad.

Things that need to fade out of popularity

Alright. That's it. I'm going to start a list of things that are so overdone, I don't want to think about them anymore. They need to go away. It's possible that they just need to be enjoyed quietly, but mostly, they need to go away.

1. Moustaches. Fake ones. They've been everywhere for a couple of years and it's time for them to be retired as a trend.  If you haven't noticed this, you have your head buried in the sand. Sure they were quirky at first. They stop being quirky when you see them at Wal Mart. And yes, I made moustaches on sticks and put them in my family's stockings year before last. THE YEAR BEFORE LAST. I'm so tired of them, I don't even want to moustachio the town anymore. And that is really sad.

2. "Keep Calm and ..." fuck you, I don't want to keep calm. If you google this, you will discover that you should keep calm and just about everything. Once again, quirky at first, nostalgic and all, but get over it already.

3. Bacon. This is on my list of things that should be enjoyed quietly. And, actually, it's the thing that inspired this list. Because I happened across a listing for bacon flavored lip balm. I have now seen Bacon flavored: lip balm, beer, vodka, soap. Things are shaped like bacin, scented like bacon. 10 years ago, it was amusing when I recieved a catalog that sold bacon band-aides. And Shower curtains. Once again, quirky then. Don't get me wrong. I love bacon. I eat it semi frequently. I would eat it ALL THE TIME if I wasn't just a little bit health concious. Suddenly, we seem to want bacon everywhere. We want to eat it, drink it, and smell like it? I have a problem with that.

4. Hello Kitty. This one doesn't stick in my craw like the others, but she's everywhere. In your house, on your toast. it's ok if you're 10 (says the girl with a Mr Potato Head collection) but if you're sticking Miss White everywhere and you're in your thirties, you might need counseling.

To be continued...

I might be overwhelmed again

it happens easily.

Yesterday I walked out of my house, shut the door, and realized that my keys were still inside. Thankfully, I have people who have keys. Thank you, Sean.

Today, I put my pants on backwards.

But I remembered to grab my keys!!

Horoscope

I think I misspelled that. I don't really care.

Meanwhile,

For all my mystical silliness and rocks and prayers, I don't really believe in western Astrology. Firstly, the decriptions of "Virgo" rarely actually describes me. The neatness and all that just don't seem to apply. I would be okay with myself if they did, but I don't have time for that sort of thing. I think my final straw with Astrology was when I went on two different first dates with men I met on the internet and one of the first things they asked when we sat down was, "Are you boring because you are a Virgo?"

Hardly. Assholes. I can think of a few people who would probably like it if I were a little more on the boring side, actually, but where is the fun in that??

However, I still read my Horoscope because I find it amusing. (at least I can be consistant in my misspellings, right?) The person who writes them for the local paper is notoriously bad. As in, I have thought about writing in to complain but they have gotten a little bit better. Instead of waxing nostalgic on the weather, she has been a little more interesting.

Today, it said this: "You will give a kindness to someone that you wish someone had given you"

and the first thing I thought was, gosh, I hope so.

My life? It overflows with kindness from others. Overflows. And I can only hope that I am giving back by being kind as well.

Mega Moonrise

Oh, the happy moments...

I sold some soap this week! Some at the Cinco De Mayo Celebration where I not only got to skate, but also sell soap, it was like two things I love collided. It was a little bit of a train wreck here and there but I think I pulled through since I will be doing it again in a couple of weeks!! I also gained what I hope will be a regular wholesale customer this week. She picked up two batches yesterday. It was nice to have to opportunity to chat with her for a little while too. YAY!

Then I sat in the truck, and had a drink (There was no driving in the future) while the giant moon rose over the hills to the East. I'm so glad we happened to be pointing East while that was going on. It was amazing.

Good food and better company.

Head on over to Liv Lane's place for more bliss sharing!

A Rare Book/Movie Discussion

I tend to be a bit behind on current movies because I don't often see them in the theater and I only recently got Netflix. I had a Blockbuster account, but I had some overdue fines and refused to pay them because I don't like it when robots call me and mispronounce my name. Last name would be fine. I get that. It's not english and a little difficult for some people to wrap their toungues around. But my FIRST name. It's pretty damn simple.

Anywho,

I tend to be a little behind on movies. The other day, I recieved Water For Elephants.

First, let me tell you that I loved the book. Loved it so much that I still have it and now that I think about it, I might read it again. I was really looking forward to seeing it translated to the big screen.

Second, let me tell you that I'm not really a fan of Robert Pattenson. While it's not his fault that the whole Twilight saga really pretty much sucks, he just didn't LOOK good all pale annd sparkly. If I were a creepy old lady, I'd go Team Jacob. But I'm not. I like men my own age.However, in this role, I was pleased with his appearance and his acting. He played a believeable role and helped me forget the whole Vampire nonsense. I may stop sneering when I hear his name.

Reese Witherspoon. I like her movies. I like that she pretty much keeps herself out of the tabloids. I alternate between thinking she's pretty and that she's weird looking. In this movie, she kind of fell on the side of the weird. But that works for a circus film. And holy crap, she looks great for having popped out a couple of kids. She wore those skimpy little outfits like there was no tomorrow. Made me want to stop eating and start exercising. (like that would ever happen...)

Overall, the movie didn't really disappoint... But it wasn't spectacular either. It didn't really delve into the relationships that developed between the Humans and Rosie like the book did. There were some really key emotions that got missed. Rosie was pushed to the background in a way that she wasn't in the book. In the book, she was a main charactor, whereas in the movie, she was just kind of there like the lions or the tigers. She should have been the star of the movie with the interactions between the people secondary.

I know. Hollywood. They give the crowds what they want. And there is only so much that can be done when bringing a book to screen. While I'm glad that I saw it, I understand why it didn't get the acclaim it could have had.

If you have not, do read the book.

Afternoon Giggles

This week has been kind of hectic as two of my worlds collide; I have a Roller Derby Event AND a soap booth at the same event. It's been busy and crazy and I have aprehension and I need new knee pads before tomorrow.

And a thousand other things.

Once again, Debbie came to my rescue as we headed down stairs for some fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. We giggled and laughed all the way down the stairs and into the branch. We leaned on each other and laughed like drunk teenagers. I'm sure our patrons thought we were drunk, but even better, they saw us having fun at work. We laughed and giggled all the way back up the elevator to our desks.

True bliss at play.

I'll just plan my own damn marathon.

My coworker in the next cube, you know the one, with the rock garden, also likes to run. And by running I mean that she trains for marathons and actually does them.

I find this woman to be particularly inspireing because she isn'e like your typical marathon runner. When I think of marathon runners, I think of really skinny men in tiny, tiny shorts and socks and running shoes bursting through a ribbon with a look of well, a picture is worth a thousand words.

photo from http://www.oregonlive.com/

I don't think of Debby who looks like a normal person of her age and has a granddaughter on the way. She looks like I imagine I will look when I am her age. (I hope I also have her attitude.) She isn't old, just, you know, not 20 and musclebound. I don't think...

ANYWAY

Several months ago, she told me about the Nike Half marathon where women go and run around San Fransicso and handsome firemen present them with Tiffany's. Apaprently, this event is so huge you have to get into a lottery to hopefully get in. I think my cousin did it last year.

I thought about training for it but then I got Netflix.


Debby came around the corner today with her pouty face on. She didn't get in.

Now, I don't know how you could not want a Debby, but apparently there just isn't room for her to oogle some fireman and get sparklies. I like sparklies. They don't have to be Tiffany's, but I do like the color of the box.

So I have decided that i am going to host my own dang marathon. I'm going to have a marathon and hand out... sequined pasties.

Does anyone know how to host a marathon?

Ah. blissity bliss

Once again it's time for Liv Lane' Little Bliss list, where I recap happy moments from my week. Doing this has helped me so much in finding joy in the little things and keeping track of the happy moments instead of dwelling on drama.

Actually, I have been trying to not get involved in the drama. it's working a little bit

1. Thursday morning rainbows. I don't get to see a lot of rainbows up here in the high desert, so it's a treat to ge to. It's also a treat that at 12:30 in the afternoon the fog was still sitting on the sierras. I miss fog. The gentle way it kisses your skin. How it makes all the greens just a little bit greener...

Photo thank you to http://www.rgj.com/. this is the one. and it was lovely.

2. A text from my aunt who was experiencing her own rainbow down in Carson City, enjoying an early morning walk, and thinking of things that start with R.

3. Crab Feed on Saturday. I've never eaten so much crab in my whole life. Rumor has it, I ate more than anyone. And I wore it home. All that aside though, it was a wonderful time with some good company and I hope I get to do it again.

4. Defying Gravity. Since my knee has been hurting, I have thought it best that I stay off of my skates. Monday, while I stood there, reffing the nights scrimmage I realized that I don't really want to be ther eif I am not rolling. So Wednesday night, I forced myself to go, but allowed myself to skate. Gently. Not only that, but I did it for the joy. With my ipod in and Frank Sinatra playing. And then, I switched it to the Wicked Soundtrack and realized that for me, skating is my chance to fly. I turned it all the way up and grinned like an idiot and just, enjoyed the wind in my face while the girls stretched. Happily, my knee didn't hurt at all Thursday. YAY!!

5. Dinner with a friend who is moving. Buckeye Beefacke is a wonderful woman with whom I have had the opportunity to skate over the past couple of years. I cannot say enough nice things about her, and I am really going to miss her. Of all the people I have known, she is probably one of the most sensitive and genuinely kind. I wish her the best. I'm glad we got to have one more bloomin onion before she leaves.

A good week for smiles

Once again it's time for Liv Lanes's Little bliss list fun! I look forward to sharing my happiness with you every week (except when I don't) and hope you enjoy hearing about the little joys in my life. Collecting these moments throughout the week really helps me focus on the positive things in my life.

1. Soapy madness! I have a tendancy to fall short on things like wrapping and labelling my soap especially when life is busy. This winter, I made a bunch, wrapped enough to get me through a craft show, and then forgot about the rest. This week, I got all of it prewrapped (each bar of my soap is wrapped first in wax paper and then in "pretty" paper. This helps protect the soap and keeps any evaporating liquids from leaching through the pretty paper). Well, most of it anyway, I ran out of glue stick last night with two bars of lavender left. It feels really good to have gotten this done.

2. More soapy madness! There were a few bars laying around that had been left without labels so long that I couldn't remember what kind they were. I'm sure I could have figured it out, but I gave them away on facebook instead. I cleared some clutter off my shelf, and the people who got soap, semmed pretty excited about it. WIN!!

3. The power of positive thinking did NOT clean my kitchen last night, but elbow grease did!! I love a clean kitchen. It's all ready for me to use it.

4. I attribute positive thinking and a change in vocabulary to the fact that although I was in extreme pain on Monday after my little knee fall, I feel almost back to where I was last week pain-wise. Not totally healed, I still have pain, but not nearly what I thought. I have almost full range of motion and while I still can't bend it all the way under or kneel on it, why do I need to do that right now anyway? Positive thinking. Change in vocabulary. And a whole lot of tigerbalm.

5. Last night, my laptop started making a really funny noise. Alarmed, I picked it up and opened it and discovered that my sister was calling on Skype! It was great to talk to her and the girls and to see her husband's noggin in the picture as he kissed them all hello. I miss my family so much; it's great to have these wonderful tools so I can see them sometimes.

What is making you smile today?

The Power of Postive Thinking

Ever since I realized that I am not doing myself any good by using broken terminology to describe myself, I am amazed (again) at all the wonderful things that positive thinking is achieving for me.

And by "all the wonderful things" I mean that my knee is healing much faster this time and MAYBE I might be able to play Star Wars on the Kinnect sometime soon. But no skating until I get new knee pads and really not until the bout we have coming up. Because if I can't roll on that track, I may sit down and cry. I don't know if I have mentioned it yet today, but I am NOT a pretty crier. AND crying makes my nose run a lot and there's never a hankie around when I need one.

SO. Positive thinking. Lets see if it works...

I would like to bake this evening. Which I have been saying for like 3 weeks or something since I happened across this recipe, which I still have not made. But I did make scalloped potaoes, which I have been mistakenly calling potatoes au gratin but in my head it's Potatoes au Gracie because I replaced the ham with kilbasa and used nonfat milk because I didn't have any cream. I also meant to put broccoli in there but I forgot about it until it was too late. So did I also make eggs benedict except that I didn't follow the directions correctly so my hollandaise sauce was funky.  It needs a lot of work before I feed it to anyone else. NOT that I have been feeding anyone breakfast lately. So anyway, I have been wanting to bake something ever since I saw that and this,  neither of which have actually been made but I did buy buttermilk. I'm not sure if I need buttermilk, but I will check the recipes this time.

Positive thinking.

I am thinking positively that my kitchen will be clean when I get home. That the kitchen fairies will have done good work while I was at work and all those dirty dishes will be gone. Not from all that cooking I have been doing, I've been pretty lazy this week. And I'm a little depressed that I killed my muffin tin making these, or something like them, which are delicious. I've been eating them every day. Today I decided they needed a little bit of maple syrup but I didn't have any.

Muffin tin. that baked on egg is gonna come RIGHT OUT next time I try. And the Kitchen is going to be CLEAN when I get home... So I can make some more tastiness.

Did I mention the stuffed jalapenos? yeah, I'm mastering those too. I even bought breadcrumbs. The breadcrumbs will also come in handy the next time I decide to doctor some kraft mac and cheese because I have to be brutally honest here, the cheetoes I used as a topping last time were a very bad idea. In fact, I don't think I like cheetos anymore. Cheese balls and puffs on the other hand are fair game.

An unexpected goodbye

I am the kind of person who will occasionally wake up, get dressed, and put a rock in my pocket before I leave the house.

My reasons for this are sometimes spiritual and sometimes purely for the joy of having a rock in my pocket. I like rocks. Always have.

Having rediscovered a favorite the other night, I decided to pop my shiva lingum in my pocket yesterday and off I went, promptly forgetting about my pocket payload. (picture is from this website if you would like your very own sacred stone from india!!)

Fast forward to afternoon when, after sitting for a very long time, I decided to take a walk. Just as my coworker from the cube over walked by. I acctidentally bumped the rock in my pocket and was reminded that the coworker next door loves rocks like I do. So I decided to share.

I pulled the stone from my pocket, handed it to her to see, and she thanked me wholeheartedly! And in my mind I went CRAP!! I can't argue though, apparently, she was supposed to get that rock. And really, if there's anyone I would want to share my collection with, it's her. She loves it. She declared it a dinosaur egg and I suggested that it might hatch a pterodactyl. After all, it was her neighborhood that housed the burning pterodactyl last week. One never knows.

What I do know is that my favorite holy rock decided to move on today and I don't think it could have picked a better place to go.

Gimpy, No.

I reinjured my knee last night. In the usual way, doing what I have trained to do. It wasn't the manuver but the impact that hurt. I just can't slam my knee into the floor these days. At least not the right one.

It hurt a lot, but it hurt more to think that I'm going to have to be off skates for awhile longer while I allow it to heal. Last night was my first back to practice since the last time I hurt myself about a month ago.

In the process of talking it over with my wife though, I realized that in many ways my thought processes undermine my healing. I joke around about being clumsy. Accident prone. Injured all the time. Gimpy. And you know what? I am. Then I get better and Whoa! clumsy me, I am hurt again.

I have to stop. I have to stop being negative because I am making those things true. There's something else that is true. I am strong. I am healthy. I am a good healer.

Let's focus on that instead, shall we?

Friday Bliss list and some other things too

Oh my, it has been a busy couple of weeks. There have been a great many things to be blissed out about.

Last weekend I got to explore new places with a person I like to spend time with.

A little extra money came in and I was able to buy some new pants, spoil myself a little and get caught up on my bills

I also started tracking my spending so I can keep more of the money I make. I am notoriously bad about living from paycheck to paycheck. I don't have to. And as a grown up (sort of) I don't want to. I am amazed at how I nickle and dime myself out of a lot of money; stopping for snacks or potluck supplies or quick trips to the craft store (which I have largely stopped doing but still). Insane cravings fro Panda (crack) Express

I've been cooking a lot lately. Almost every day. And by cooking I mean from scratch, not out of a box or out of the freezer. It feels good to experiment with different recipes and think of ways that they can be improved. Plus, when I make my own food, I can sneak broccoli and spinach and such in there and make it healthier.

AN ORDER!! Awesome.


Funny, I was so busy remembering all the great things that I forgot what the other stuff was.

Multipliers

It's been a couple of weeks since I have particiapted in Liv Lane's little bliss list. And I have to say that those two weeks have been some of the most perfect and blissful times. It would take me all day to list out everything that has happened to make me smile, so I list what I can remember right now...

Watching the sunset and dancing in the kitchen.
My flowers are starting to bloom
I'm getting my house in order again
Planning trips
Spreading the joy

The dance party looked a little bit like this...

 

Being thankful every day for all the gifts, past present and future. I really am so very, very blessed

Copyright for the image above belongs to Bill Waterson. Thank you Bill, for all the wonderful smiles over the years.

So much to do, so little time!

I'm trying really hard to um... post at appropriate times. Which is part of why I haven't been posting.

I hope to get back to my little bliss list this week. I have had SO much bliss in the last couple weeks and its made me sad not to be able to tell you about it. My mom was in town and my house is clean (although there is a mystery smell. hm) I'm getting reorganized and prepared for the next phase of my life.

That sounds ominous. It's not. My tenure on the Reno Roller Girls Board of directors is coming to an end and so I will have one less hat to wear. I will still be the hed ref. I will still handle merchandise. But rather than pick up a different on-the-board thread, I'm going to focus on other things.

I'm going to catch up on the online artsy course I am taking. I'm a little behind on my homework. It's ok. I'm looking forward to catching up. Playing with my watercolors, even in a very simple manner was FUN.

Work has been pleasantly busy.

Other things are going well too.

And I am trying to follow the direction I recieved from the Universe the other day to be thankful ahead of time for the gifts I am given. Funny. amazing. its working.

A rare dream post

I don't generally share my dreams because they are never as interesting in the retelling as they were in the experience. Last night was a little different.

I dreamed that I was being stalked by a serial killer who was killing people just to terrorize me. He would send me pictures and newspaper clippings and body parts. Gooey body parts, not like, arms and legs and stuff. Sometimes, he would even kill the people in a manner wher I could see them die but I couldn't see where he was. Like the person who fell out of nowhere onto an iron fence in the middle of a party.

It was creepy. It was scary. It was graphic.

I really need to stop watching Dexter before bed.

Passing out the goodies

My boss is in town today. I don't see her very often. I like her. She has this amazing energy. 

This afternoon, she stopped by our cube. And at some point, right after I fed her some chocolate,s he smiled really big and handed me her phone. she wanted to see an email she had received. She was happy because one of my coworkers had complemented her. had thanked her for her support. She shared that moment with me, which was awesome and something clicked in my head.

You see, as an underling, I really appreciate when my supervisors tell me I am doing a good job. More than a paycheck, it is this that validation that makes me want to go to work. 

I have forgotten that I would do well to remember to pass it up sometimes. It's so easy to forget that my managers and supervisors have a tough job. And that they need to know when they are doing right by me.

I'm going to try harder to be more thankful. Maybe you could do the same today.

A couple of things that opened my eyes

While looking for a picture of my beloved goat Cody, I happened across some old posts. And wow. I sure did share a lot in the beginning. Things that I probably should have kept to myself. Things I had forgotten that I felt. And while I would never go back and delete those posts, I think I am glad I have learned to keep certain things to myself. Its been a hard lesson. I know that I have said things that have hurt people, even though that was never ever my intention. I know that I have shared things that were better kept private. Or, at least just between myself and the person of whom I was writing.
But I suppose that I can accept the difference between the me who is now and the me who was then. I hope I have reined it in a bit. Not for you, although there have probably been a few over-shares over the years, but for me and the people I care about. There have been many times in the last couple years where I have really really needed to talk it out. And here is the place I would have gone, once upon a time to talk about those things. Over the last year, I have had moments where I didn't know I could feel so alone. I have had ups and downs and all arounds. If I had bared it all, I would have lost so much more than I could have gained. So I decided instead to focus on joyful things. Those are the things that pulled me through. That and the reminder that no matter where I go, so go my issues and troubles. And that we all have issues. We all have ups and downs and all arounds. Sometimes we feel all alone. And then a friend comes knocking on the door unexpectedly for no other reason than to say hello.

I just needed to get that out.

Little Bliss List

It's been an... Interesting week to say the least. A rollercoaster at best. But that doesn't mean that I haven't been able to find things to be blissful about!

1. Reconnecting with an old friend.

2. BRATTY IS BACK IN THE OFFICE! With her return, things went, ahhhh.

3. Spontaneous dinner with another friend. We had chocolate cake and ice cream for dessert. hee hee.

4. Got some knitting done this week. I'm not done with the project, but knowing I made progress is good.

5. I'm moving back into a "get my life in order" phase. Which is good because I was derailed for a little bit and I don't like it when that happens.

To see other people's bliss list and perhaps to join in the fun, head on over to Liv Lane's blog! She's good people with neat things to say.

Like I don't have anything else going on...

I've been thinking lately about me.

Ok, I think about me all the time. When I'm not thinking about myself, I think about other people. And cupcakes. Or Whoopie Pies. Whatever.

The point is, that this year I have been thinking a lot about me and who I am and who I want to be. This is how I improve myself. I know I have a lot of room for improvement. I hope I always do. Part of this thinking about me is thinking about the girl I used to be. And the parts of her I would like to revive.

For example, I used to be a person who paid her bills as soon as they arrived. But more exciting than that, I used to be a doodler. and a little bit of a painter. Mostly because we had this really neat watercolor paper and I liked to paint butterflies on it. little fields of flowers and butterflies.

Then, at some point, I became a little self concious. then I grew into REALLY self concious. Suddenly, my doodles were not good enough. And I didn't know what to paint anymore. Then, dare I say? I was embarrassed?

No one made me that way, I did it to myself by thinking I was not good enough. But that doesn't really matter, does it? It doesn't matter who thinks I am a good enough doodler because I just like to doodle.

The day after I remembered that I am actually something of an artistic critter, I came across this blog. She's holding one of those expanding your artiness online workshop thingies.

For the first time I thought, "I should join in" then I thought maybe I shouldn't. But I did. Its going to be hard. But hopefully it will remind me that it doesn't matter what other people think. I need to be free to be me. I even made a doodle. not that kind, the drawring kind. and I even almost showed it to you. I tried anyway.

Growing. It's never easy.

Cryptic posts decyphered

Did I spell that right? I never can tell.

I got a message the other day from the Cowboy. That's right. That one. The message said that he had an undeniable urge to see me. That he couldn't explain it but that it would do his soul good to see me.

I agreed. I can't ignore something like that. it would be ignoring the very loud voice of the universe. Sometimes the messages are garbled up in the daily grind. This time, it couldn't be more clear.

I can't say that it didn't throw me for a loop. He broke my heart and I still miss him sometimes. We had good times. But I didn't want to go through again what I went through with T. I'm not an idiot. It hurt. I would be lying though if I didn't admit that I've been looking for a similar connection in every guy I've dated since. Only, you know, with someone who wanted to be with me.

Even though I said we could still be friends, I didn't try very hard and it didn't take long for us to fade out of each others lives.

Fast forward a bit and I sent him a  facebook friend request. he accepted. There have been a couple of times that I have wondered if that was a wise decision, especially between the moment I hit send and it took a bit for him to respond and the point in which I got a response. We didn't really communicate so it was ok. It was nice to see little glimpses of his successes. I've been so proud of him for what he has accomplished. then he sent me the message.

So we met. and had a drink. Well, I had a soda. I didn't need the added difficulty of alcohol. I didn't know how the meeting would go, but it was good. we caught up. we talked about our dogs. We talked about our houses. About our businesses. maybe we might have dinner or catch a movie sometime.

It's good to know I have my friend again.

More cryptic posts

I have been holding something (ok, many things) back today and its been really really hard and I will consider talking about it when I know what is going on.

Just know that the universe is stirring my cauldron and well, I hope to have a clue as to why tomorrow evening. We all know I stir my own cauldron just fine. I get things all spinny and frothy and worked up, and then I remind myself that I really prefer calm waters and to knock it off because whatever it is is all in my head. And then I am fine until I get a little dehydrated again.

The moral of the story is to drink plenty of water, kids.

Just know that right now, for myself, I am praying for wisdom and poise. And that is the best I can do with it. This time, it really is the Universe doing weird things and I have to go along with it because when the universe talks, its better to listen.

In other news I am starving. And if someone doesn't feed me a slab of meat or a sausage or a meatball soon I might chew my arm off. I don't know why. I had breakfast. I had lunch. At least I am not craving whoopie pies. Or cupcakes. Nope, its the savory I want.

Send cheeseburgers. With bacon. protein style. I don't want to be bothered with bread right now. Actually, just send a cow. I will gnaw on it's leg or something.

I drew you a picture. I was proud of it. but I'm afraid you won't be able to see it until blogger lets me upload PDF files. Or until I can save it at home. There's no solid fix for my computer in sight...

Later... (like 5 minutes later)

I just took the pencil out of my hair because it was in so tight my scalp has a dent in it. Right obove my dent is what feels like a pencil induced curl. These things only happen at work. I might have to have Debby or Bratty look at the back of my head so I know how funny looking it is.

If I am craving meat like I am craving meat that means that the next step MAY be monsterous ugly migraine because I haven't been eating enough protein. Shit.

Lentils, lentils, everywhere

D used to tease me that if he cut off my arm, rolled tacos would fall out. Or Potstickers. Or...

Truth is, that in addition to being a disorderly eater, I am also a binge eater. Yes. I over eat, but that isn't actually what I mean.

I mean that I find something I like and then I eat very little else until I don't want to eat that any more.

Which is why I no longer buy frozen pretzles. Except sometimes when I am at the grocery and I happen to remember that I really like the cheese filled bite sized ones. Yum.

Lucky for the size of my butt, I don't really remember very often that I like those when I am at the grocery store. Actually, I had forgotten all about them until I said "frozen pretzles" right up there about 5 seconds ago. For you. I am not that fast of a typist. It was 30 seconds ago for me.

Over the last couple of months since I decided to make a bigger effort to eat healthier and in a more orderly fashion (I think I just heard the girl scout cookies six inches from my left hand snort in a derisive manner) I have been cooiking a lot of soup.

I'm not much of a soup eater, normally, but I do seem to like the soup I make. I know how to make two. Butternut Squash and Lentil. I end up with a lot of leftovers. You can't cook just one or two servings of soup. There are cups and cups of soup. And a serving is like 1/2 a cup. Or 1 cup. It's just me. My freezer tends to be full of soup.

Luckily, chicken and rice, fish and rice, and um, that's all the else I cook, also freeze up nicely and I can generally have a couple of weeks worth of lunches from one or two dinners. You would be amazed at how many lunches I can create out of one chicken breast. In addition to the dinner.

This week I realized that I am tired of lentil soup. I think I still have several more lunches out of it and I JUST bought more lentils the other night. They are cheap and filling. It's a good thing they last awhile in the cabinet. I wish right now that they didn't get so hot in the microwave. ow.

I really need to branch out my cooking.

If I were you, who would be me?

I've been spending a little too much time catching up on the antics of Ree and family over at The Pioneer Woman.

It's so easy to get lost in her conversational writing. To gasp in awe at her gorgeous photos. To think that in her shoes, I too might have a handsome husband with two green eyed girls and two blue eyed boys. She makes me want to take off on horseback across the prairie and chase down a cow. She makes me wish I had followed the old roommate's advice and adopted that basset hound instead of holding out for Chango. I am inspired to cook and to dip my toes in the pond and to homeschool my kids.

Except I don't have any. Ponds, kids, handsome husbands in cowboy hats.

How easy it is to get wrapped up in someone else's life and to wish you had what they have.

Until you remember that out there somewhere, there might be someone who wishes they had yours.

Sometimes, I miss country life even though I couldn't wait to leave it behind when I lived there.  As an adult, I can better understand why my parents would want to live that far away from everything and now that someone came along and invented the internet, I can imagine myself living a little further out than I do now. But that is for the future. In the past, I wanted to live closer to my friends and a mall.

In the now, I really do have it made in the shade. I have a lovely little house. And the sweetest dog. I haven't poisoned myself with my cooking in awhile. I have a great support system of friends and I wouldn't trade my family for anything. Things aren't perfect. Not by a long shot. But they are good.

So while it is tempting to want what Ree has, and it's fun to peek into her world, I think I'll stick with my own life. I'm sure hers isn't perfect either, it just looks that way because, well, she's enough of a lady not to air the dirty laundry. And gosh, haven't I learned that lesson the hard way. Talking about the drama might make for some interesting reading, but it always bites me in the butt.

It feels good to want what I've got. To aspire for more, but to love my life while I'm at it. The truth is, that life on a ranch is HARD. You can read between the lines and see that. I can remember Lee's stories and know the truth of it. Up before dawn. Cow drool. Reality. Nope, I like what I've got. Target around the corner and a skate rink nearby. The occasional sight of a handsome man in chaps. Yeah, I'd say I've got it pretty damn good.

I do think I want her cookbooks though. They got great reviews from Hellohahanarf who didn't cook before but is cooking up a storm now. Works for me!

goodbye old friend

it seems lately, that I say goodbye to a lot of people here.

I was watching Glee and suddenly I missed Donny. Probably because I will never see him again. Donny was sunshine in every choir class period. Donny was always singing. Always hugging. Always smiling. Of course, that was almost 20 years ago.

I don't know what happened in his life to make him start taking soma. Hell, I don't really even know what it is other than a pill. but I know that the other night, Donny didn't wake up. Donny accidentally silenced himself forever.

You offered up some fantastic a capella harmonies. It was an honor singing with you.

A very little bliss list

It isn't that I have not experienced bliss this week. I have. I spent time with my derby wife. I went to the movies. I shared hot chocolate with a sick friend.

But there was one shining moment this week where everything fell away and my heart sang.

At the end of yesterday, I was a bit cranky. Its been a tough and demanding couple of weeks at work and while I have tried REALLY hard to maintain a good attitude, there have been moments when I have shut my mouth and headed into the breakroom for another cup of coffee.

Yesterday, I went to open my car door, thinking about what I needed to do last night and how I was going to get my good attitudes back when a tiny snowflake landed right before my eyes. Suddenly the world was better. My crankiness melted  away as quickly as that little star.

I was 30 before I saw my first snowflake. In my late 20s before I saw snow falling from the sky for the first time. We just don't have that in San Diego. I never knew there were many kinds of snow. From the tiny balls I call Charlie Brown Snow to the chunks of ice crystals that usually blanket my world.

I like the snow. I don't like driving in it, but I like the sound it makes when it falls. I like to wake up to a pristine white landscape. I like the tiny cold kisses it lays on my cheeks.

I love a snowflake. To me they are like a shower of tiny stars sent from the universe. I'll never forget my first one. I always hope to see more. Yesterday, I think I got two before they changed to ice clumps. But one was enough. One was just what I needed and perfect.

I think I forgot to mention why I go this. I'm pretty sure I have mentioned Liv Lane. Each week she posts a list of happy things and invites her readers to do the same and to link from her blog. This exercize has one wonders for me and for my attitude. Liv is a very positive person who is living her dream. She inspires me to make mine come true too.

My new favorite game

You might be able to call it a dream since someday, it will come true. Sort of.

It's called, "If I had a personal assistant". I played it all day yesterday. It evolved a little.

For example I was thinking that instead of a personal assistant I could just have a clone. But then I thought my clone might try and get in on my hot man lovin and since she'd be my replica, well, I don't even want to think about all that so it would be better if I didn't have a personal assistant who was my clone. What if she were nicer? Better? More adventurous?

BUT I could have a robot twin. Robot twins are not interested in honing in on your sexy rumpus.

SO if I had a personal asisstant, (S)he (I'm not sexist. I could totally have a male robot twin.) that personal assistant could have gone to the Apple store yesterday FOR me while I was busy bringing home the bacon.

All that thought and anguish over one run on sentence. But I'm sure I will come up with more tasks for my robot twin.

An answered prayer

I believe, that when we ask for what we want, be it from ourselves or from the universe or from God, however it is that you ask, that we get it. This is why I stopped making wishes. It isn't that I don't believe in them, the trouble is that I wholeheartedly DO. And as such, my wishes have often come true (eventually) but not always how I thought I wanted them to.

One has to be VERY specific with the universe.

So the other night, I tried to form my prayer for my friend in a manner that would help her without hurting anyone. It wasn't easy because while I can ask all day for a cure for her son, I know that it is possible that it's too much to ask for. Her boys are with her for a reason and I believe that it's because she is the best mother they could have.

Don't get me wrong, I still asked for a cure for whatever ails her younger son. That he would wake up one day and be all better from whatever it is that causes him to be disabled.

But if I couldn't have that, I wished for her to have a little bit of a break.

Yesterday she posted on FB that the boys were going to school for the first time in a long time and that she was going back to bed for a little while to catch up on lost sleep from being up all night with her son.

I almost cried. Coincidence? Probably. But I don't care. My prayer was answered. I am grateful.

Counting my blessings instead of sheep

I think we all know that I have had some anxiety lately. We also know, after all these years, that i go through these phases and come out on the other side where everything is all better. So I'm really just kind of fighting through my issues this time until everything is all better again. And whew, boy, am I ever fortunate to be living my life.

I was inspired to write after reading another FB post from an old friend to whom difficult cards have been dealt. It isn't because she has made bad choices. At all. She just doesn't have it easy. One son is autistic, and the other severely disabled. Of the sort where he needs around the clock care. And still she does it. Her husband is often deployed and her mom, her greatest support and rock (and mother figure to so many of us choir geeks) passed away almost a year ago.

Yet still she carries on. Her faith in God is such that it carries her through.If she ever complains, she doesn't do it in public and that is so admirable. Sure, she talks about what she is going through, but it isn't in a manner in which she asks for anything different, just, "here is how it is right now." I really really admire her for that. for all of it. I think about the teenagers that we were together and am so amazed at the woman she has become.

And so, at this late hour, if I can't go right to sleep, as has been the norm the last few nights, i will think of her. Of her strength, of her faith, and how no matter what life throws at her, she feels blessed every day. And I'll remember, even if its just tonight, to count my blessings.

I really am so, so blessed. Even when I am scrubbing puppy poo off the walls I am blessed. When my knees hurt and the bunny stinks, I am blessed. When the computer craps out and I'm not sure how I will afford a new one and a new car, I am blessed. All those things that stress me out. That wake me up and keep me up at 2 am on a weeknight, they are minor. They will go away.

This too shall pass.

My cup runnith over. So blessings to you too.

I had to dig a little for my bliss this week

It was a tough week over at the Elven Cottage. It seemed like just when I resolved to take care of some business, the wind got knocked out of my sails and business ground to a halt. And my moneybone still hurts. And I could list so many things... But I'm not going to because this is my bliss list, not my whining list. That was yesterday.

1. I just couldn't get enough of the snuggles with my nieces last weekend. I woke up on the couch and Zoe climbed up and sat on me and read a book. I know that was her way of hanging out and snuggling me so I soaked up every second that I could. Maddy's smiles can light up a room.
2. The fashion show, excepting a couple of bumps went well, we made some cash, and the girls had fun. Win. After, I headed over to the wife's for game night and it was loads of hilarious fun.
3. Monday was a day off. Even though I was derailed by the computer's sickness, it was still nice to stay home. Actually, I didn't leave my house for two whole days this weekend.
4. I saw some green in my lawn this morning. Perhaps spring is here?

Meanwhile, I smell KFC mashed potatoes. I think that they are oozing out of my pores. That sounds way grosser in print than it did in my head.

Like a ton of bricks!

I got up Monday morning with the intent of doing my taxes. Turned on my computer. The screen was blue.

Yes, its true. A Mac CAN have a blue screen of death. I have never upgraded the hardware on my computer despite 6 years of use. I upgraded the OS a few months ago but for the most part, the Mac and I, we just kept on trucking.

We go tonight to see if there is anything that can be done to save the data and I have prepared myself mentally for a new system.

Despite many of my friends trying to convince me otherwise, I plan to get another Mac. Yes, I know that a custom built PC or something off the rack would be cheaper, and I really need to save money, but the truth is that I have had PCs. And I never felt the security with them that I experienced with my iMac. I've also been told that I should get a GOOD laptop, but the truth in that is that I like the solidarity of a desktop. And for travel, my netbook is sufficient. In a perfect world, they will be able to revive it tonight. in a slightly less perfect world, they will be able to add more stuff to it. Worse case senario, all new system. Maybe one that doesn't squeek inside? That was always a bit alarming. Like a mouse wheel in my computer. But, it's better than the one that shattered CDs and caught on fire. (PC)

For the computer geeks out there (Randy...) you will be excited to know that I also purchased a back up drive. Maybe too little too late, but at least going forward I will be covered. Since when I do pay for stuff, I don't like to half ass it, I ended up with a 3TB wireless drive. This will allow me to put all my movies on one device and I can put all my DVDs in storage. The Wii can stream them to my TV. Which meant that I had to get better internet. Lucky for me, AT&T Uverse is now available in my neighborhood so I will be cancelling the Cricket modem and going to a "real" wifi option. I'll actually be saving money this way so I'm a bit excited about it.

Why am I telling you all this? Partially because I am prone to the overshare and partially because buying all this stuff is hurting my moneybone and I need to relieve some pressure. But I have to admit, it's kind of exciting to be joining the current decade.

Exploding with happy moments

1) Hanging out with friends last weekend. I hadn't done that in awhile. Actually, a very long while. This weekend, I made a point of it and fun abounded.
2) Ten pounds gone!
3) Dinner and a movie with some good company on Sunday
4) Valentines dinner with my family. They are in town for their yearly trip and while I won't get to see them as much as I would like, I appreciate the moments all the more. Like when both nieces climbed into my lap at the same time. I know that they won't both fit forever. Zoe is afraid of Chango. Chango just wanted to lick her. Can't blame him for that. We all do.
5) When I got home on Tuesday and saw all the posts from all the people who had flowers and candy and steak, I didn't feel jealous or pouty that they recieved these things and I didn't. I felt happy and at peace for what I do have. THAT was an incredible feeling. Ok, I was a little jealous of Wendy's steak.
6) Clean. That's all I have the business of saying. But Clean.

Overall, I had a really, really great week. And when the mopies started creeping in, as mopies sometimes do, I thought about what an amazing week I had and changed the mental subject. It feels so much better (and normal) to be happy. Sure, I had my usual moments of self reflection, but  I maintained an excellent attitude. Ultimately, that's all I can ask of myself.

When did I become so damn critical?

I know that I have always had the tendancy to not only think I am right, but that my way is the way it should be done. It is a struggle, sometimes, not to impress MY way on, well, everyone.

It is a struggle not to give too many explainations when a nod and smile are approprite.

So hard not to pick every little thing apart. No one and nothing is flawless.

I am not flawless.

My eyes have been opened to this quite a bit over the last couple of weeks. And in some cases, by holding on to my convictions about a subject, I have been wrong. Very wrong. People change without announcement.

What matters though is than in addition to people correcting me when I'm wrong-

The family member who is now clean.
The other family member who has made peace with her daughter.

Today my daily note from the Universe said this:
Guidance, attention, help, maybe. Love, always. Criticism, never.
What to give others.

What to give others. Have I been giving these things enough or have I been too busy grimacing at a sour note? Or tuning out the monotone narrative?

In trying to improve myself, have I become less accepting of others? I think in some ways I am accepting, but maybe not in the right ways?

I don't really know. It's a lot of food for thought and since it is coming up from several different sources lately, I can't help but think that it's my next life lesson. It is certainly something I want to be aware of and change about myself.

So now I think I will start asking myself, "What am I giving to others?"

an AH moment

It took me a long time to start to remember all the things that I need to know in order to do my job. I'mnot going to lie. I still struggle.

But today as I looked something up I realized how many things I don't have to stop and think about anymore, and how often I don't have to ask Bratty where things are. And it felt good. Finally.

Finding happy

Last week, I enjoyed posting my happy moments that all week long I kept looking for the things I could add to my list this week.

I had a really great week.

1. A custom order referred by a person who is a celebrity in my mind that is causing me to expand my business (maybe) in a different direction. At least its giving me the opportunity to try something new without having to dive in head first. I needed that. Plus, she thought of ME! ME! Oh my goodness! ME!! I am so honored.

2. This Which takes something offensive and makes it REALLY funny. I laughed so hard I cried. I needed that. Do not click the link if you are offended by foul language.

3. I have a date for Valentines Day. With my Seester and that, my friends, is perfect.

4. Speaking of my Seester, she called me the other day and we chatted for a bit and it was loverly.

In which your happiness brings me happiness

Bratty Duke earned a free pair of shoes thorough her favorite shoe website's shoe referral program.

Bratty loves shoes.

Sadly, shoes can be an expensive habit and she is a responsible individual who knows that her chilren have to eat before she can have new shoes. I'm taking lessons from her.

So, when she got notification that she earned a free pair of shoes, there was a lot of squealing and giggling from the other side of the cube. You know, 3 feet away. Her happiness made me smile. And laugh. Because her joy brings me joy. It's perpetual like that.

It also made me want to go buy some shoes so she could earn more shoes but I'm afraid that is not a wise course of action. I already have an unacceptable shoe pile where I used to see carpet and more shoes is not going to fix that. Plus, there's something going on with my bank account and I shouldn't spend money until I can access my account which I am currently locked out of because they did some sort of conversion and I thought they would TEXT me my new password not have the computer call me (phone was in the other room) and I couldn't start over. I think I need more coffee.

Holy Crap, I got lucky

Yanno that birth control pill recall?

I take those pills.

I thought it was odd when the pharmacist gave me a different pill this month. He said it was the same thing just different packaging. But something in my head tickeld every time I looked at them. Something's screwey, thought I.

yup.

Thank goodness, I don't have to add a kid to my list of stressors, THAT would really put me over the edge.

A Little Bliss List for you

y'all know I love me some Liv Lane. If I haven't told you before that I love her, I'm telling you now. She... Inspires me to be better in so many ways.

Every Friday, she has a linky party for people who want to share their bliss. As you know, I am trying to be more joyful and the first Friday I was able to participate in her comments. Last week, I was having trouble finding my happy place. This week I am doing better. So here it is, my blissful moments from this week:

1. After practice Denny's on Monday. Last week, I was invited by a couple of new derby folks to join them at Denny's after practice. I gave an excuse and went home. The trouble is, I do that a lot and it was VERY KIND of them to invite me. I don't get invited out very often. This week, I invited myself along and spent a couple of hours getting to know some new people.

2. Debby's socks. Debby works in the cube next to us and she is absolutely special. In a non condescending way. Somehow we started talking about socks and how it's fun to wear goofy ones. I showed her mine, (black with a yellow band at the top and yellow heels and toes) so she showed me her's.Same socks only in blue. I loved her a little more that day.

3. I got to see my Mom. Just for a little while, but every moment is precious and refreshing and wonderful. So did I also get to see my Aunts and Uncles and well, time with my family refreshes me like nothing else.

A day in the life...

Today was overall, a pretty good day. There were even some genuinely happy moments and I don't think I was tempted to strangle anyone. This is a win. PLUS, I had dinner with my mom and family to look forward to.

and then...

I was asked to run a report at 4:30 so it would be as fresh as possible for an important meeting tomorrow. No problem! it took me 2 hours because I had to keep fixing mistakes that would have been fixed a couple of days ago had I had time to remember they were there.

I was supposed to be at dinner at 6 in Carson, 30 minutes away.

Thankfully I didn't think I would have time to skate after dinner so I wasn't disappointed by that, until I got to the rink on time for practice but I didn't have any workout clothes. (had to drop off presale tickets for the event I'm planning) Still, a night off essentially, right?

Got home. was hit with "the smell". I have cleaned up worse in the last 3 years. I really just wanted to sit on the couch for a little while though.

Now, I am ready to bathe, and to bathe the dog since this time, he laid in it and its all up in his paws. But first let me turn off all the lights so we can go strait to bed and OH SHIT I forgot to close the blinds when I got home. Crawl, crawl, don't let the neighbors see my butt. YES. I do mean that I am READY TO BATHE.

Dog... Won't come in. So I lunged out after him and happened to notice...

My gate is swinging wide open. I'm wearing nothing but my Icetoner slippers, the dog is running away, I can't leave him in the yard all night (If I want to sleep) and fuck, it's cold out there.

Tomorrow will be better, right?

Postal Fun!

Have I mentioned yet that I like to send and recieve awesome stuff in the mail? Like cards and cookies and well, maybe not cookies. They get stale. Unless they are correctly packaged. Mmm. Cookies. I told myself I could make myself a whole batch of chocolate chip cookies when I had lost 10 pounds. I almost did it this weekend anyway.

Regardless, I have never lost my childlike facination with getting stuff in the mail.

Which is why I signed up over at Cheeseblarg to share the joy in her Valentines exchange. Because it's fun.

If you also like to get mail, go sign up for the Bubbly Creations mailing list. There's fun stuff arriving all the time. Not in an obnoxious way, of course. the list is kept in my house under lock and key (I lock my doors) and no one gets to see it but me. And the dog. But he can't read or open the mail box.

gina.bubblycreations@gmail.com

I tried, I really, really tried

perhaps, like Chickie said, I was aiming too high. To post something joyful every day. I'm not going to lie, it was easy at first. Fresh off the high of family time, job was going good. volcano was disappearing.

then reality came back. I'm still on my eating plan (mostly) and I'm still exercising (I'm over 4000 lunges and squats) I'm still looking for the joy every day and still trying to avoid spreading any negativity. The volcano is back, dormant, painful.

There have been moments when I have wanted to crawl under my desk. Or strangle someone through the computer. I've threatened to take a personal day. I've gone outside just to feel the snow on my face because that was the only thing I believed would pull me back into some semblance of happy right at that moment.

I'm just trying to find my balance, that's all. And hopefully, it won't get any uglier. I mean, I know it's going to get more stressful. I just hope that I can handle it better than I have in the past.

Everything is going to be okay.

Does this happen to you?

Where you smell something and suddenly you have a craving?

I'm pretty sure what I was smelling was coffee but now I really really want...

A tuna melt.

Gee thanks. and Eew.

pearl update:

I managed to squish all the stuff out of the pearl - which wasn't a pearl after all, and update Chickie on all the gory details because, well, she's into that sort of thing. Was all excited that maybe it was gone for good...

And it grew back. And this time it HURTS! Which means I may have to go to the Dr to have it removed after all (I had an offer of help from not-a-Dr but I declined)

I'm beginning to feel like Quasimodo. Bratty put the thought in my head that perhaps it is infected and that's why it hurts... Great. One more thing to be a hypochondriac over. Not only have I developed a third boobie on my back, but it's infected.

I'll be under my desk if anyone needs me.

Alright. I missed a day.

Not going to beat myself up over it. Plus, yesterday, I was being cranky and didn't have a whole lot of nice to say. I still don't, so I am focusing on happier things.

Like...

How good it feels to share my recipe for Butternut Squash Soup with my coworker who is trying to get healthier too. She is SO excited about it and I just can't have any better than that.

Random attacks from the dyslexia monster

I looked in my medicine cabinet this morning and was momentarily confused. I didn't recognize the brand name on my ibuprophin. Where in the world did I buy the bran pu & pu?

Then I looked again and thought about it for a second. Up & Up. I was reading it upside down.

The bottle wasn't upside down, but apparently my brain was.

The Refs recalled that point. There was a flag on the play

Apparently, the email about me reaching my fundraising goals was sent in error. I'm still a loser. But at least I'm a giggling one.

when happy just oozes out

Part of the reason that I decided to become more focused on bringing joy into my world was because I got into a discussion on my website hosting community that turned very negative. I had posted what I thought was a constructive sugestion for us all, and it turned into something far nastier. So I started laying low in the forums and decided to pin/buy/or complement via direct message the people who were appealing to me instead of suggesting openly that we all think twice about what we put in our stores.

Additionally, I have been trying to avoid getting involved with any conversations focusing on negative things and reading the happy things. Jokes, kudos, little stories. Today I popped into a converstaion labelled something to the effect of "If you need a shoulder to lean on" and the outpouring of support for eachother that I found therein was uplifting.

Drama might be exciting. It might get your adrenellin going. But it feels so much better to feel the love.

GOOOOOOAAAAALLLL!!!

I just got an email that said that I have reached my fundraising goal for the March Of Dimes. I had forgotten I was fundraising. Since I vaguely remember something about blogging it here, then I would like to say, THANK YOU! for helping the healthy baby cause.

Another great day! With a side of frustration

But we won't talk about me getting frustrated because it was about work and I don't talk about that here. Public forum and all. Actually, I don't talk about work ANYWHERE on the internet unless it's a happy thought because, well, I do like my job most of the time and I would like to keep it.

So happy news for the day? I lost three pounds since last weigh in. That may not seem like much, but down is so much better than up. Sure, I've cheated a bit on the new eating plan, but for the most part
I've been staying on the healthy side of the food pyramid and I am definitely not binging and starving. Not that I can anymore, but hey, my attitude is MUCH better. Most days.  My lunge goal? Going good.

In pearly news, eew. I am rethinking the whole "have the Dr remove it" part of the story because, well, its gone down considerably since the last time I saw her (eew) and I get the bill today for the bloodwork I had done. It's over $300. One more reason its a good thing there isn't actually anything wrong with me that a healthy diet and some exercise won't fix. Gross though it is (and it is) allowing it to "take care of itself" is free...  Medical attention is REALLY expensive.

It's working

Before I decided to return to my core needs and start focusing on being a happier person, I started planning a new "marketing campaign" with Bubbly Creations that allowed me to interract with my customers in a way that was fun and new. And different from what other people have been doing. So I went through my records and grabbed the people who have made purchases or who I thought might be interested in the fun and started mailing stuff.

Firstly, you must know that I love to mail stuff. Partially because I like the process af addressing and weighing and sending. I also love to get stuff in the mail. Not bills, but letters and packages. Even though I am not a big card sender, I like to get them. OK, I like to send the cards, I just don't like to pay for them. I have started making them. That's one of those give and take things. You have to send the cards to get them. I get it.

So anyhow, last Saturday I sent out my first grouping of goodness.

While I have only heard from one person, I can say that her reaction was so overwhelmingly positive that my heart swelled up and my hair stood on end. I couldn't help but smile for quite awhile after.

That. That right there. THAT is what life is all about.

I am so fortunate

That I get to look up and see the sun set over the Sierras every day. There are days when it takes my breath away

Something to change about myself

I'm oganizing all of the volunteers and non skaters for the bout coming up on the 28th at Roller Kingdom (yeah, I just did that) and started getting frustrated with the people who responded to my call for help with "I'll do whatever you want" or "I'm available for whatever!" because it doesn't help me to fill in the very specific blanks.

Then I realized that I have become so easy going about certain things that I don't tend to have an opinion. So for me, without being obnoxious, "whatever is fine" is no longer an acceptable answer. Because the person asking is asking because they they WANT to have my input and opinion OR they WANT to place me in a spot where I will be happy. And also? sometimes when there are 50 spots to fill, "I can't help you" (not acceptable this time.) is better than "put me wherever".

A sudden realization

I looked around and suddenly I realized that the people I work with? I really sincerely like them. It was a good feeling.

Did I really say a million?

Little did I know how big that number really is. Oh sure, it seems like everyone and their brother is a millionaire these days. Apparently, in dollar value, 1,000,000 just isn't that much. We hear about BILLIONaires every day. Thank goodness I didn't decide to do a billion lunges and squats!

After doing some math, I realized that while 1,000,000 is not unattainable, it would take me so long that I would likely lose focus before then and always regret not having reached my goal. So I revised it to 100,000.

Current count is 280.

My Seester asked how it is that I can stand doing so many at once, but I break it up into groups of 20 so I don't lose track and since my leg muscles are already pretty well developed, it's not too bad. It's actually kind of fun (right now). I do well with goals.

Best part is, with all my fitness goals and better diet, I'm already feeling better and (dare I say?) seeing a bit of a difference. HOORAY!

Something I love

One thing I love about derby is the opportunity to work with the new girls. I don't want to spend all my time with them because then I don't get a workout, but I really enjoy the opportunity to give them suggestions to help them improve. Things that no one told me or that I didn't learn for a really long time. It feels good to help someone else.

First night back and my thighs are killing me!

Monday was my long awaited first night back to derby practice. There was a point where I didn't know if I was going to make it. But I did. And it was a GREAT workout! I might actually make my workout goal for the week! YAY!

Also? I have a new goal. 1,000,000 squats or lunges. you'll get periodic updates on that. Right now? I'm at 60. I better get cracking.

That's Hot

I made the suggestion to go to Carson Hot Springs in order to soak out our hangovers, but thankfully none of us actually drank enough to have one.

We went anyway. It was wonderful spending quality time with my aunt and cousin talking girl talk and avoiding creepers.

New year's day was perfect. Chango and I didn't get home until late, but it was wonderful.

You just can't beat family

At least not mine. So staying up late, playing board games and watching scary movies? Perfect way to spend my new year's eve.

To heck with the diet

I'm not going to pretend that I have been logging every peice of candy, because I haven't, but I have been pretty good about logging everything else, and have been coming in under calorie count most days (I just have to stay away from Del Taco)

But you can bet your buttons that I'm going to eat every sweet treat in the basket Ghandi just dropped off because she and her family made it for me and that is frickin awesome.

Always the little things

I sure do like my coworker. Not Bratty (Well. her too, of course) but the other one. in the cube to my right as I face the sierras. We talk periodically about stuff and well, she's just plain nice. And she makes me smile.

Only a picture can accurately describe

Tuesday's Joy...

The picture may be old but the face is still the same. I sure did miss him.