I really don't think I should feel guilty

Actually I'm a little pissed. I may be overreacting (in my head of course. I generally don't overreact in public)

After work today, I went down to the nearest post office to mail something to my seester. I chose that one over the one closer to my house because it's next door to the craft store and I needed longer knitting needles for a project. (I have that gauge and length...in storage) It was either Ben Franklin, or Wal Mart and Wally World rarely has the needles I want when I need them.

Anywho, que me, walking to the front of the store. Young couple sitting there. He says to me, "Can you spare some change? We're freezing and need to get on the bus." as soon as he said change, I told them that I didn't have any cash on me, that I was very sorry. And it was likely true. I don't generally have any cash on me. Someimes I have a little change, sometimes a couple of dollars, but I wasn't going to start rummaging and plus, it's better that I don't give my last few bucks away, I might need it. Remember the time I lent my step brother all my cash and he used it to take his girlfriend to the movies?

So, I could tell he was getting a little angry, because at this point she stopped him from saying anything else. I wished them well as I moved along. I realize how I appear to those who don't know me.

I'm a clacker. for those of you who have not seen "The Devil Wears Prada" you can hear me from a mile away on account of my heels. And I have elephant feet. They aren't fat, just loud. I wear suits to work. I try to appear as though I am a successful individual. Mary Kay Ash said, "fake it till you make it" and damned if I don't try to dress the part.

What they didn't understand is that I work 40 hours a week. I buy my nylons in bulk at Wal Mart and my suit was $60 at Sears. Two years ago. I do make good money but the bulk of that goes to my credit card bill. (and knitting needles). I might have a mortgage and kids to feed, for all they know.

Perhaps I am prejudging them as they were prejudging me. But I get upset when people panhandle then get mad when I say no. Hell, I'm so tight I don't like to give my father money. And I tend to think that out of two people, one should be able to work. Which means you don't have time to sit in front of the mall and ask for money to ride the bus.

(quick check of the purse found me $6.40)

I might be a bitch. I may find myself panhandling some day for being stingy. Maybe they simply were not able or were trapped without cash. Who knows? But I still don't think I deserved anger. Actually I was a little scared that he would bash my windshield or key my car.

Regardless, they were gone when I came out.

Sneaking Suspicion

It could be a stinking suspicion, but I don't think so. (beware, this post follows my train of thought almost exactly. My thoughts are not linear. I smell cloves. oh, it's my new coriander candle.)

I'm sure you all remember the part of the story where I got my battery changed and lost my radio privilages. If I weren't so cheap, I mean, frugal, I would have bought myself an Ipod by now and been happily rockin out. (I have been told that the Ipod is the only option my snobbish Mac will talk to and, no, I'm not going back, I am also a snob. we get along well)

I was shopping for said Ipod, and bitching silently about the price of technology and oh my how I can't believe people actually pay this much money for this stuf (ahem, forgetting how much I spend on fabric, wool, and other crafty goodies)

NEWS FLASH!! THIS JUST IN!!!

www.bubblycreations.com is up and running, or, at least it will be when I go set it all up again. WHEEE! Now I need a business licence! (sheesh)

The girl at the store suggested that I go to Honda.com and try to get the information there. I gave her the "Don't you think I have tried that??" look and um, went home and tried it.

I didn't have my VIN available. Happened accross it today when I was looking for my tape measure (the fabric one, if you're wondering) (also, boylin black cherry soda is marvelous). The web site said that the code should be in my glove box on a card.

Since you all know me so well, you know that once something goes in my car, it never comes out. So I went down stairs and thought to have another look-see. As I was flipping through my owner's manual (again) an image popped into my head of a sticker that peeled out of my glove box forever ago. Said sticker had numbers on it. I thought about throwing it away numerous times but thought it might be something important. or one of those "inspected by" stickers. That sticker had been floating around my car so long, I knew it must be lost forever.

I found it within seconds on the floorboards. it was about an inch wide and a quarter inch in height. How I found it so quickly among the gum wrappers and gas reciepts might be a modern miracle. Someone might want to call the Pope. (or, you know, whatever you do when there has been a miracle.)

The numbers had distinct possibility as none of them were higher than 5. (I have six buttons)

I have radio and CDs again.

On one hand, I'm thrilled. On the other, the answer was under my feet all along.

thank goodness I didn't buy an Ipod. I didn't need one.

Progress?

I learned today that I did not get all the possible white trash genes I could possibly have gotten from my ancestors, some of whom have lived in trailers. Why, you ask? I cannot fry. I try to fry. I attempt the action. I can saute. I can bake you just about anything you can come up with, especially if it is spelled with a dessert. I can steam, I can boil. I cannot fry. I can't even make a decent pancake. really. Scrambled eggs? ok. fried potatoes? yeah, they were pretty crunchy. My grandmother is rolling over in her grave. The dead one. She? fried everything. and no, she was NOT white trash. But she did once make beer in her bathtub.

I have discovered my inner coke head. Yes, I have a problem. I like coke. I have some coke every day. I was never into coke. I didn't like how it made my teeth feel. For some reason, I now buy and consume large quantities of it. here is a picture...



It's so strange because I have tended to be a root beer or a sprite girl. I have been hding behind my new addiction by telling myself that it's Cherry Coke ZERO which means it's good for me and ok to drink after the gym, right?

Speaking of the gym, except for today, I'm liking my results.

I tried to keep it positive

And not say anything negative about my last attempt at the following...

Hi!

Once upon about a year ago, I was training to be a S- D- D- D-. then I sprained my ankle. By the time I had healed, it was time to move to Reno! Now I find myself with an itch to get back into derby, (and maybe actually make the team one day...) but my skates are still packed and I don't have health insurance yet. (three months till coverage. I wouldn't mind buying new skates. mine suck)

Will you let me work my ass off for you until I can skate, and then work my ass off some more?


The difference? This team actively askes for volunteers.

I hope it's not a sign of things to come

I would like you all to know that I left the house with two differenet shoes on this morning.

Happy HNT-New Underwear edition

If you have been reading this blog for any reasonable amount of time you know that I can't bear shopping for clothes. Unless of course, it's formal gowns, in which case it's better that you get me out of the store right now. You also know that my boobs are a subject I can talk about all day.

I bought my last batch of bras about 6 months ago. Might be 8 I'm not sure. I can only find bras that fit at Vicky's. That means they are expensive. And since they like to make the kind you can't wash in the machine, and since my boobs keep growing, those damn things were obsolete within a couple of months.

I finally went shopping, after weeks of living in sports bras. I tried Macy*s. The bras didn't fit, but I discovered corsets! on sale! And what do you know, they were comfortable! Like the chi chis were floating! I bought one in every color. And I headed to Vicky's for standbys. (found some I can wash)

I couldn't wait to wear my new underwear. It was going to be fantastic. Fan-frickin-tastic. Until I put my work clothes on. And discovered that they just don't look right over a corset.

Now I have lots of pretty underclothes and nothing to wear over them.

I just can't win.

Have you ever...

Updated your resume and realized that you don't like what you have been doing for the last several years?

Looked in the help wanted ads and thought that you weren't qualified for anything?

Felt stuck?

Been willing to take a 50% paycut if needed to feel some sort of job satisfaction?

Realized that if you do take 50% you'll never be able to live on your own...

Part of that sounds like a commercial. I wish it was.

Part of me realized that I am in a unique situation right now. That I could feasably go anywhere with my life (Colorado is sounding a little bit cool right now). That feels a little freeing. But what I think I want is to settle in somewhere and run my own business. Soap, Girl Friday, Yarn Maven, whatever satisfies my need to be successful, even if that means that I get up every morning looking forward to my day. And I come home every evening feeling the joy of a job well done. Comfortable money would be nice, but I don't need to be rich.

I guess I'm just feeling a bit chewed up. And scared. I want to move along, but the last time I got a job on my own I was 19. And I lied on my resume. I told them I had some college when I had none. I don't think that is something to be proud of, but I had been unemployed for two months and my resources had dried up.

My resume is all truth now. All truth and casinos. I don't want to work in another casino. I decided the other day that someting about making a living off of gambling sucks the life out of you. I have developed wrinkles, see?



Life sucking madness. Yesterday they were practically crevasses.

I don't know how to go about this whole job search thing. I look online, I don't like what I see. The simple jobs want someone who types 60 wpm. At my peak, I was at 35 wpm. I'm a hunter and a pecker...er, not a pecker, a peckist. I can learn to do almost anything, I am a good worker. I just need the tools and support to be successful. I'm afraid to post my resume. afraid my current employer will find it. Poo knows I am looking. Somedays, I think I can rise to this challenge. Today we are barely speaking. That hurts. It may not be me, I could just be sensitive. He's got a lot of stress. More every day. Yesterday I wanted to walk out. Today V almost did.

I just needed to vent.

ps, apparently I have SOME photoshop skills. But I think Perez Hilton has the monopoly on decorating pictures with squiggly white lines.

I have been strangely quiet

Not in general, just here, about the fires that so recently raged (are raging) though my homeland.

Thing is, I had mixed emotions about it. On one hand, I was scared. Scared for my family, scared for my friends, scared for the strangers I may never know. My old workplace was shut down again and finally reopened this weekend. Once again, the fire knocked on my mother's, my cousin's, and the doors of my friends. (C's family was evacuated. They are back safe in their homes.) I started watching the news and making phone calls. I was in almost constant contact with my mom. Now that almost everyone is back in thier homes if they have one, the damage is as follows (so far as I know) My Aunt Dorothy lost her home and the bus she raised her children in. (I'm not really sure how to explain that one except that I come from an interesting family and that bus was pretty nice inside!) She and her kids are fine and they are taking care of her. Bossman lost his trailer-apartment. This one breaks my heart because Bossman lost his job and his home all in one year. Right now he has no job and has laid carpet in his daughter's garage so that he has a place to live. (Thankfully the fire didn't burn her home too since he was living on her property) I have not figured out how to reach out to him, but my heart is sobbing. I have a few ideas.

I feel a little guilty. Because I moved out just in time and I am thankful I didn't have to go through that again. I'm thankful that the smell of smoke is not trapped in my sinuses. Thankful that I didn't have to find somewhere to go while I wondered if I would have a home or a job. (I voluntarily evacuated last time when I could see the flames from my front porch and my electricity went out) But I haven't forgotten what it was like to wake up at 10 am (we had been partying on the Star of India and stayed over night downtown) and look to the East and realize that my neighborhood was burning. I look at the scorched hills surrouding my new home and know I will experience it again.

I feel guilty because...No. I won't write that. Because I don't really wish it. Not that way.

And I am angry. angry that once again, they showed the damage in the affluent communities, but ignored what was going on in the rest of the county. Other than the mentioning of the fires in Ramona, cameras were trained on Rancho Bernardo. in fact, that was all I could see when I watched CNN. Thank goodness the local channels kept their websites updated.

In happier news, I had a lovely time with Cowboy yesterday. Buzz pointed out that he thought I was done with all that madness. And there were moments over the last several weeks when I was going crazy. But while I am still a little crazy, when I weighed the option of giving up on someone whose company I enjoy, whose conversation I enjoy, I thought maybe I should keep being patient. Take my mom's advice and don't get my heart hurt, but be patient and see what happens. He's been very (sometimes painfully) honest with me. And he doesn't always do what I want him to do. But I am also learning to trust him a little. In some ways he is helping me heal old wounds by behaving the way he does. I'm taking it one day at a time. and if I decide I am done, you'll get a definitive "done". But right now, I'm feeling good about where things are. I try not to rant too much about him or about work. I don't want to say anything that could be hurtful or bite me in the butt later. I care about Cowboy and wouldn't want to see him hurt by one of my occational temper tantrums. But don't worry, I'm watching my 6.

I am a material girl

I think I am allergic to Nevada. No matter how much lotion I slather on (twice a day) I itch. itch, itch, itch. (The Itchy and Scratchy SHOW!!!) Add that to the fact that I am STILL allergic to my pants, and we have a little problem.

See, I thought it was a laundry detergent issue. but I wore those pants yesterday and not only did I get a rash all over the back of my legs, but a few blisters too. the pants in question are 98% cotton, 2% spandex. Which means if it is a matter of the spandex, then I am likely allergic to most of my clothes.

I am considering retiring early to a nudist colony. Somewhere humid.

Meanwhile, today my day centered around Cowboy's roping festivities. It was a nice break from my usual, and I got to sit and knit until my butt fell asleep. I learned a lot about the sport and have decided that while I really enjoy the company of horses, I would probably get tangled up in my rope and fall off my horse. So I will leave the team roping to the cowboy. Oh and the cattle? looked really cute in their little cow hats. (the cow hats keep the steer from getting rope burns on their heads) Sadly, there weren't any monkeys riding sheep dogs (since I don't know how to link to it, clik on the link over there labelled "Dr Musings" and see the Oct 22 entry. shut up, that is NOT too much work) but there were plenty of bad home decorating options. and since Mary Kay was there, I think Bubbly Creations needs to have a booth there too.

You know, when I have a home and am licenced again.

I didn't actually get to spend very much time with Cowboy, but he WAS terribly busy tending to his horse (I've learned not to expect too much attentionon roping days. Actually, I've learned not to expect too much attention). however he wants to see me tomorrow, which would make two days in a row and a minor record.

Bedtime revelations

So, after checking out the houses on the internet last night (because if you think the people in NV are a little off, you should see their houses) I crawled into bed, ready for a good sleep.

I couldn't get warm. I just shivered. Heck, my KNEES were cold. I started thinking about all the warm blankets (and my down comforter) that are currently keeping my dishes and china nice and cozy warm in the garage. I started wishing I had put away my clothes because the pile on my bed is too high to snuggle under without the clothes falling off the bed. I started brainstorming ways in which I could warm up.

Then, the light went on. (not literally)

I bet if I put on some pajamas, I would be warmer.

Suddenly, I was very glad that I did not put my clothes away because I didn't even have to get out of bed to get a pair. Nope, after much feeling around and careful digging, I discovered my FLEECE pajamas all clean and slightly warm from soaking up my body heat.

I was warm and asleep in minutes.

No title.

Just shake your head. sigh.

Oddball

I have been planning for weeks to go out and about with my coworker tomorrow to get a little spooky up in Virginia City and the surrounding areas. I have been quite excited about it, partially because we all know I'm into the spooky shit, and partially because this coworker is one of the few that I feel like I have befriended in an away-from-work kind of way.

She called me tonight. Husband drama. Trip might be cancelled.

Add that to the Cowboy who still doesn't call when he says he will call (about which I am becoming increasingly unaffected) with whom I was supposed to possibly see this weekend, (but I don't expect too because he just doesn't seem to have time to see me, even though he says he wants to, until he tends to everyone else) and I find that I may actually have time to laze around and ponder this situation I find myself in.

I'm sure you will all be thrilled when I declare myself done with the cowboy nonsense. I had forgotten what it is like to be treated as an afterthought. Honestly, after talking to him the other day, and having him tell me about how he's going through a selfish phase (which I really do understand. It's normal, for goodness sake), I realized that even if he's going through a selfish phase, it doesn't give him reign to keep me dangling about and there is no excuse for hurting me, even in the name of honesty.

I often feel like an alien in this town of broken promises. But I'm going to make it, it just might have to be alone.

So here I am. The boys have gone off to the pub, which means I have the night to myself and I? am going to bed on this fine rain drenched Friday night.

You asked for it

So, I was half watching the news yesterday while I was eating lunch and I couldn't help but notice all the hulabaloo about "THE SUPER BUG"

Yes, it is now national news that THE SUPER BUG is killing people left and right. They are catching it at school and in hospitals and in very public places. Apparently, THE SUPER BUG is a danger to us all. Worse, even, than Avian Flu.

Here's the thing. Put away your fucking hand sanitizer and let yourself get a little dirty.

All these anti bacterial marvels are causing the death of good bacteria and the mutation of bad bacteria. Mutants=hard to kill/no natrual protections. And since good bacteria sometimes fight bad bacteria, and we killed a bunch of those, we've pretty much fucked ourselves with our germ phobic society.

Here's a hint. Regular soap and warm water.

That's all. no fancy chemicals, no alchohol based smellies, just soap and warm water and you'll stay just as healthy. and so will your kids and pets. Guess what? we're exposed to nastiness like E Coli every day. We can't help it. People are dirty. However, we have adapted the abiity to fight this stuff natrually. You are breathing in Staph, Strep, and all sorts of gross stuff right now. Your body? made to fight it, so unless you have a depressed immune system, you don't need to try to create a germ free bubble. In fact, you don't want to. Cuz you can't get rid of them all. And when the alchohol in your sanitizer strips away the protective barriers of your skin? You leave yourself succeptible to whatever didn't die. When you touch your kid? you leave a trail of those multiplying bacterias behind. And the nightmare begins.

You are the problem. Put that shit away before you help kill someone else.

Happy HNT!

something's up

When BR and I went to the store, we left Poo giggling.

When we returned, he was on the phone with someone, just hanging up, and saying, "keep me posted". he then retired to his room.

BR Peeked. It appears that the last person he talked to was my mom.

Now, I was supposed to call my mother tonight, and I was going to until I got sidetracked with a sudden trip to the grocery. So I called her now. No answer at home. no answer on cell.

I tried again. Poo has just left to go drinking for a little while. Seester is also not answering.

Something bad is going on. I am worried and scared. I needed to get it out.

It's not working.



Edit Later:

So, I'm a little bit of an alarmist. After calling my Brother in Law because I couldn't get a hold of my sister, I learned that not only was I interrupting his poker game, but that Seester was on a plane on her way to New York to visit his family.

Then I finally reached my mom on her home phone, and she was ok; her cell phone had run out of battery.

So the drama wasn't with her or my grandparents who, are a semi constant source of worry because I know my time with them is limited and they are the only other persons in my family for whom I think Poo would get that upset.

She gave me a light briefing on what was going on but didn't want to tell too much, as it is Poo's story to tell. Poo returned from the bar frozen solid. He didn't realize that it was 40 degrees outside with 10 mile an hour gusts and a high wind advisory. Mind you, the wind is coming from the west (I love the weather website) and there's snow in them there hills. We are, remember, accustomed to the weather in So Cal where sometimes it's 80 degrees on Christmas. I always felt a little silly wearing a scarf even though I was cold.

ANYWAY, once I got him all warmed up, the story came out and it's really not so good bordering on REALLY BAD, but not my story to tell at the moment. But pray, will you? for a boy recently home from Iraq with a baby on the way and his whole life ahead of him. I hope.

My butt is sore.

Yesterday I hopped into my little jalopy and headed south for some much needed therapy. Tree Therapy.

after driving FOREVER (a few hours, really) I landed myself at a lovely little cabin in Yosemite National Park where Girl Roomie (who really needs a new name since it's been two years since we were roomates. suggestions?) and I soaked in the hot tub and snoozed in bunk beds.

Then, today we looked about the park and I got to know her BFF Mindy and HER man Todd. (who rented the cabin and were kind enough to let me tag a long for a night. I am blessed) SO I have now been to Yosemite which, I think, wasn't QUITE as super cool as Yellowstone (not nearly as many critters and harder to find things) but still lovely and there will be pictures to come.

After being among the trees and the quiet and the critters (notably the squirrel that was busy hijacking fiberglass insulation to line his little home which would be an excellent idea except that um, fiberglass insulation is bad for squirrels-especially when they are carrying it in their mouths) and the hot tub (of course) I am feelng recharged and (not) ready to face another work week.

But I will face another work week and I will be positive because I AM qualified for my job and somehow I WILL gather the tools to succeed. (lather, rinse, repeat.)

perspective

there's nothing like listening to the stories of a Viet Nam Vet to make the little voice in your head say,

"Makes your problems seem really trivial, now doesn't it?"

yes it does.

And as always, whatever your politics, you gotta bless the fighting folks. They're in hell. And if you've never been through it, you don't know it, but if you get the chance, listen.

ok. one more and then I'll shut up. for today.

So, due to stuff as mentioned below, I may have to finally join this century and break down and buy an Ipod. I don't really care that everyne has them, and I have never really felt as though I need one. Until now.

You see, when they pulled my battery yesterday, it cut the power to my car radio. This made the security system kick in. I need a code to unlock he stereo. Thankfully, my fleetwood mac cd popped out, but anyway, I have no tunes in my car. And although I have always been happy to sing in there, I'm a litte out of tune and I prefer to have background music.

No. I don't have to go Ipod. But it would probably sync best with my computer. I'm thinking about the Shuffle. Can't imagine needing more than that.

I been trippin. n stuff

My trip to San Diego went wonderfully and I have to say that it was one of the best weekends I have had in a long time. Seeing Kristen and Jed was like tonic to my soul and spending time with my other friends (and my mom) was better than an ice cold root beer on a hot day. I'm not sure what the highlight of my weekend was. Maybe it as Kristen's belly, just starting to show the baby in there. Maybe it was Jed's giggle. It could have been sitting with my mom, or huddling under a blanket with Chuck. I thought I would never get up after I tried jumping off a swing and I landed on my ass. on.my.ass. heh. I crawled into Girl Roomie's bed to watch Cars and we ate mint chip ice cream and twinkies. (we both fell asleep without brushing our teeth. I woke up and I swear a skunk had a party in my mouth) We also declared that if you tape a twinkie to the TV at the gym, maybe we might be willing to run on the treadmill.

It was fun, it was wacky, it was just what I needed to remind me what I love about living and what life is all about.

Then I flew home. And we were early! And I thought, Hey! I'll call the Cowboy since it's still early. And tra la la, I didn't know I was in for an adventure.

But my car wouldn't start. Battery was dead. And since I was in the parking garage, the nice lady who decided to help me (people around here don't trust each other enough to lend a hand. She almost drove off) couldn't get close enough for my jumper cables to work. Two hours later, after a lot of reading and chit chatting with my mom, the guy arrived to jump start my car. I didn't call the Cowboy until I was at Sears yesterday getting my battery changed. That took 2 hours too. But I had a book to read and one of the guys was hitting on me (you know, because older women need love too, or so he told me. He also told me he was 23 and age didn't matter, but I found out that he's 19 after I told him that to me, it does.) I am flattered that I can get the attention of 19 year olds. Heh.

Cowboy and I talked for a long time. mostly about how broken he is. And I told him that's ok. The longer we talked the more I felt myself slipping into the "friend" spot in his world, and I'm ok with that. (today) Because even if he doesn't want to date me, I still want to be his friend. Time will still tell what will happen.

Happy HNT!

I know I am a little bit early. But I always forget until late and, I had something positive to say.

I know I have not been very good about being all confident and strong and shit lately. And I don't know how long it will last, nor do I know how long I will stick to the following, but it seems to be working a little bit right now, and I can't complain about that.

You see, instead of coming home and waiting for my phone to ring, (sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't) I've been hitting the gym. And although I am not in as good of shape as I think I should be, I am improving. I also think I am finally acclimating. I can climb the stairs at work now and I only get a little bit winded. (as opposed to feeling like I might go ahead and DIE when I reach the top)

So, Monday when I went, I was able to be on the cardio machine for all of mmm, 10 minutes and today? 20 minutes, with only short water breaks.

And this is all good because I don't take my phone to the gym with me. Nope, it's far away where I can only wonder if it is ringing which is a good thing because it means I am obsessing just a little bit less. Or at least I can't check the phone to see if i happened to miss a call which really does happen sometimes. PLUS, since I don't generally call anyone after 8, I don't expect calls after 8, which means that I only have an hour or so to wonder if the phone might ring. AND going to the gym firms up my butt. and my belly. and it's good for my heart. AND since I do a little bit of yoga (a very little bit, but, whatever) it's good for the rest of my systems too.

So something good can come of my idiocy. Now to work on the brain...

Curiously silent

I know I have not answered comments regarding the Cowboy. And the reason is that the truth hurts and I am not behaving the way you think I should. Apparently I just have not learned my lesson and I will continue being an idiot until I'm either completely miserable and heartbroken, or I grow some balls. I'll let you know how the chapter ends. I hereby promise not to post any pictures of my sobbing face because it is-not-pretty. and no one needs to see that. truly, I'd rather show you my nakid butt which, despite the fact I appear to still be allergic to my pants, it is far more attractive than my weepy face.

I cancelled my personals subscription oh, about 30 seconds ago. I thought, when I first considered cancelling, that I was going to give "met someone" as a reason.(I was really excited about that) But since I don't really know which way things are going to go (ok, I have a pretty good idea, but remember, there is an optimist living in my head that simply will not die) I don't consider that a valid reason. I also don't feel like it is as good of a reason as whichever one I gave.

I'm glad this latest go around with the personal ads did not make me crazy and neurotic. I think it was a step in the right direction and certainly a smart move for someone looking to relocate. I feel a bit badly that there are inquiries I did not respond to. I just got tired of telling the 40 and 50 year olds I was not interested, and the younger ones that I have met someone. especially since over the last week(s?) I don't really feel like that is a good answer. But I did make a new friend, possibly two. Two, I think is hoping that it won't work out between Cowboy and I, which is flattering, but sad because I want Cowboy to realize that I am more than a roadie.

Truthfully, I am sinking back into the realms of "i'd rather be alone". it was a comfortable place where I didn't sit on the phone and I didn't hope to go out, and I didn't have a nagging voice arguing with the optimist and telling me what an idiot I am. again.

Limbo sucks. But for some reason I still won't do anything about it. what do you know. idiot.

quick question

it's keeping me awake despite the fact that I didn't sleep last night AND I worked out a little today. (a very little, but whatever)

Does work ever make you want to bang your head against the wall until you are a bloody pulp?

yeah, um, me either. just checking.

(I mean, it's not the JOB, it's the part where my cohort said, everything is ready, I will be there, my crew will be there, we're gonna get this done and then Poo gets phone call.)

We are not talking about the rest of my evening

at least not right now.

Instead I will tell you the following...

That you know you don't even want to look at a home when the pictures of it online make you say (in your head, of course because I don't know about you but that's where all my best dialog happens) "Oh, holy Jesus" every time you hit the next button. And you aren't um, an avid follower of the teachings of Christ.

Meanwhile, in happy news, I picked up a lovely little antique dresser today. It wasn't an impulse buy, I slept on the idea and I do need somehwere to put my underwear which are still in a bin from moving. It's a lovely little number, and precisely what I was looking for several months ago when I was out looking for a little antique dresser thing to advertise my soap on. So it will serve a dual purpose. You know, when I can afford to pay off the IRS ($400) and get licenced in the great state of NV which, wants a state license($100), a city license($60), and sales taxes. Hence the property search because I don't want to spend the money to get a license in Reno only to move to say, Sparks or, more likely, Fernley-because-it's-cheaper. And well, we all know focusing on the future helps me ignore the present as does the bedding I spent all weekend cutting up for homeless ferrets.

AND this weekend I recruited 4 or 5 new members of the Reno Bad Girls of Craft so now we have enough people to actually meet up! YAY!

(distractions, distractions...)

WTF?

So I'm standing there, minding my business, eating some noodles when suddenly,

ow. ow. OW!!

I'm allergic to my pants.

Happy HNT!

It's easy, I think, to get so wrapped up in the drama that is life, that we forget how lucky we are. To focus so hard on the difficult part of the journey that we forget that every great adventure has it's cold dark mountainous moments.
Lately, I have been doing just that.
But today, as work was just a little less ugly, and life just a little more sunny, I snapped out of my funk and remembered that I am beyond blessed.
Sure, I live in testosterone central. But right this minute, with my belly full of steak and biscuits (and who doesn't love steak and biscuits?) I am reminded that holy crap! I just had steak for dinner! Again! I may get frustrated with my lack of alone time, but oh my goodness! I'm not paying rent! which means I can save up and achieve my dream of homeownership. That in and of it's self is a blessing that I cannot possibly ever repay.
My job? might be very frustrating. But it's a challenge. And On days like today, I actually feel like I can meet the challenge. And perhaps on days when I don't, I can remember today. And I will make it through. It's what I do.
Cowboy? I still don't know the answer. I know what you guys tell me to do. I'm listening. But I have to make my choices for me. And if I make the wrong one, I have to learn from it. I'd rather not have him tell me lies or settle into a relationship he isn't ready for. That's why I want to take time to make a choice in the matter. Because I swing back and forth between being ok with the situation and being what Cowboy would call "butt hurt" over it. I my mind, butt hurt means that you're all bent out of shape over something that isn't really a big deal. It's more of an affront to your ego than anything. Truly? I don't think I am being played. And I just have this very strong feeling that a little bit of time is just what I need before the answer will be provided. Right now, I feel like I have all the time in the world. And I will continue to appreciate the time he shares with me because I like his company.
Thats all.

It was one of those days

It was one of those days such that I couldn't wait to come home and start drinking and crafting. I didn't get as much crafting done as I would have liked, but I drank enough. I imagine that in the morning I will remember why I don't drink on work nights.

Sometimes I think this city is chewing me up and it's gonna spit me out. I wish I could say I am blissfully happy here. Another thing hat I have to be patient with. It's not that I don't like it here, I'm just not doing well treading water. I question everything, right down to my ability to hold a good job without the support of someone in my family. But I remind myself that this is what life is about. and that every great adventure has it's difficult parts.

I had a dream the other night that my body wasn't getting enough (you suck weinwers) oxegen because I can't seem to aclimate to the elevation.

I think the stress of moving and all that has been going on is finally hitting me.

This is what happens when Boy Roomie hangs out in my room...

Moments of truth

Met the Cowboy for dinner tonight. I really enjoyed sitting there and chatting with him over pizza.

During the course of our conversation he mentioned that there is someone else he sees about once a week. Just dinner, really, an old friend. It was kind of a tangent off him saying that he only gets to see me once a week (and really I never found out if he would like to see me more than that), and obviously something he needed to say. Then he thanked me for not getting upset, that he wanted to be honest and open. I don't even think my facial expression changed and I don't have a poker face. I flat out told him that I have a lot of male friends. That we go out to dinner and hang out. That some of them are ex boyfriends.

It allowed me to tell him that I really do understand and believe him when he says he does not want to be in a committed relationship. I told him that I have to decide whether that's ok with me or not. He seemed a little surprised by that answer, but I think he is used to women who behave emotionally not the kind who consider things rationally. His wife, apparently, didn't accept him the way he is and tried to change him into the kind of corporate robot he can never be happy being. (she wanted "the lifestyle", he was self employed.)

I'm still torn, honestly, and after I drove away, I did get a little emotional. Tried to think about why I was ok with the situation in the restaurant but not in my car. It seemed to me that I am operating under a double standard. That I would smile and nod one moment and tear up in private. I had a long talk with myself about it.

It's a tough spot for me to be in. And I don't like it. And I still don't know what the right answer is and I hate that. And I think part of the reason I got upset was not that he sees someone else too, but that I obviously have a habit of being interested in men who aren't really available, even though they might appear to be. In that moment, in my car, all those nights driving away from T when we were doing our best to be friends flashed into my head and it hurt. (So maybe I am not feeling as healed up as I thought I was)

Then, as I was pondering the best way to go about getting this out and off my chest, I realized something about myself.

I need to feel special.

Am I holding out hope for something without a possibility of a future? Again? Or do I practice what I preach, trust my instincts and see what kind of answers time brings? I guess the answer to that one is that I should always practice what I preach...And maybe what I need more than anything to learn from this is patience.

Memories! Like the corner of my mind...

Or something like that. Never was much for Barbara. Except maybe for that one duet with Neil Diamond. Something about flowers. C would know. I hear it in my head sometimes, at the death of a romance. "You don't bring me flowers, anymore" Of course, in my world, romance is a rarity, so I don't know all the words. Plus, there are plenty of depressing ending songs to sing. I refused to sing them after it was all over with T. I was trying not to wallow. Instead I re-learned that singing those songs helps me to heal.

I went off on a tangent. Sorry.

I remembered the thing that so eluded me yesterday. We had a Clint sighting.

Now, when I say we, this time, I don't mean me, I mean Poo and BR who went to go pick up Rusty from the airport on Friday. (I stayed behind because I was baking chocolate cakes. I say cake in plural because I made indivudual serving size bundt cakes instead of one big cake to share. I love individual servings of stuff. I also learned that you can warm canned frosting up inthe microwave and drizzle it instead of spreading it and it's yummy. another tangent. I am full of them today)

So Poo and BR are waiting for Rusty's plane to arrive when in comes Clint wearing a reflective jacket and carrying those flashlights with cones on the end. BR excused himself to the bathroom, and Clint told Poo he had a job directing airplanes onto the runway. (I am pretty sure they just use runway lights now...) His chin was working like mad. And when he left, (accidentally mentioning that he was going back to the car rental place across the way and "oops. I have two jobs right now, you know") Poo told him to come and get his stuff and to call his parents. They said his chin was still going and he ambled off kind of limping sideways.

Sad, what people will do to their bodies. The general consensus is that he's not long for this world. Rusty said something about them having found cancer in his throat and perhaps that is why he went back to drugs. I suppose I will never know for sure. Regardless, it's an unfortunate situation.

Today, I was bombarded all day with the sounds of the football games. I generally like football, but after a bit, I got tired of hearing the announcers. I am hoping that I just needed a nap. Or that hours upon hours of it was just too much for my brain to take.

Since I mentioned the sad endings of romances, I imagine that those of you who care are wondering what is going on with the Cowboy. Things are about the same. We are enjoying each other's company. Sometimes he calls when he says he will, sometimes he doesn't. When he doesn't, I call him, and we chat for long periods of time. He tells me he's not in a position in his life to be someone's boyfriend, and I am still considering whether a non comitted dating reationship is enough for me since I don't generally date more than one men at a time. I tell myself that we are what each other needs right now. In my heart, that sounds like the right answer.

Oh, Hi officer. I'll give you two good reasons not to give me a ticket today...

subtitled, "Whew! Thank goodness I'm wearing my 'Sexy Motherpucker' lip gloss today!"

Rusty's in town which means a lot of beer drinking and tobacco chewing. I? have known or awhile that I would end up driving three drunk asses around the greater Truckee Meadows area this weekend. I'm quite ok with that. I would rather know I am driving than worry about them dying on a mountain road. Rusty, for those of you who have been around for a bit, used to be my landlord. But it's his wife that I can't stand. I like Rusty.

So we wandered out this morning and headed up to Tahoe. After checking out the dam, (there were some huge fish right there. You could see them right through the water. it was SWEET!) Rusty quickly determined that he was ready for a bar, I went wandering Tahoe City. Got me some gelato and headed to the bar to meet up with the boys who were, at that point, pretty well snookered. BTW, Jason's Bar and Grill, great service.

We left, and stopped my the gas station for a twelve pack to drink on the way down the hill. (!!!) About half way down, Poo decided it was time for me to drive. And we got down the hill alive, stopping only once to let the boys out to pee. At least, we got most of the way down the hill without incedent.

I saw the cop from quite aways away. Nevada Police have disco lights. I noticed a speed limit sign and started to slow down. Since the cop was pulled over, I wasn't all that worried. Until he pulled out onto the road and behind me with his lights on. I thought, "Hey, I'll just pull to the right and let him pass me, he must be after someone." He was. Me. Shit.

Now, I have not switched my licence over. And I have three dunk men in the car, three open containers, and a lot of empties. Rusty is carrying something extra, and smells like it.

The officer, was realy very nice. He clocked me going 71 in a 55. He believed me when I said I had only been here a couple of weeks. (I figured that a lie would be ok as long as it didn't hurt anyone and might save my ass) He forgave a good portion of my speeding since I probably don't know the limits yet. (in my defense, I really didn't know it was 55 through there) He also gave me credit for driving a truck that was not my own. AND we didn't get cited for not being able to find Poo's insurance card.

My ticket is for 1 mile over. I am blessed.

It occurred to me later that perhaps I could have offered to show him a bit of skin, if you know what I mean, and maybe gotten out of the ticket all together, but that's mostly about being funny and not at all about being realistic. We do think that he knew I was the designated driver. All I know is that I drove the speed limit all the way home. And I am thanking my lucky stars for nice cops and lip plumping lip gloss.


Right now Poo and BR are arguing poker rules. I think I am ready to take a little jaunt to the craft store. Maybe all three craft stores. I don't want to be around wen they decide to play "suck my dick".

People often ask me how I handle living with two men. I usually laugh and tell them it's not too bad. I've learned that when the going gets tough, I go to my room.

Meanwhile, shit. I forgot. There was something else! I totally forgot what it was! Dangit.

I'm starting to get creative-er

Happy HNT!

I slept with this pile of laundry last night, and I think I'm going to sleep with it again tonight. so there.

They managed to keep one secret

I had a good month or so to prepare for my mom's arrival, and a little more than that to prepare for my cousins'. I was exceptionally pleased when it turned out that my aunt and uncle (and family) were able to cancel thier camping trip.

I almost cried when my seester came around the corner.

Having my family here was the best birthday present i could have hoped for. I know the youngins were missing, and thier presence would have made it all complete, but I am satisfied with the wonderful gift of the family that could make it.

Today we drove around. Went on a little hike, then back to my aunt and uncle's for ice cream cake. We watched a movie. People got a little cranky, and we went home. My family sang various versions of "Happy Birthday" and sag along with The Beatles.

I can't possibly think how my birthday could have been better. I have one more day with my cousins and sister, and three more days with my mom.

they say it's you birthday (do do do do do) It's my birthday too!

Also knowns as the obligatry OH MY GOD I'M THIRTY" post. because Oh my goodness, suddenly, I am. I mean, I know Ihave been preparing for it for um 30 years now, but honestly it really did sneak up on me because in truth? I'm still twelve. Which is why yesterday I had to refrain from giggling when I told the schindler guy to move his van because we needed to caulk the louver.

heh.

So as you can see, I don't LOOK any differnet than I did two day ago when I took the last picture of myself. Except I grew bags under my eyes because my mom came out to visit as a surprise (I knew, but didn't say anything. hee hee) and two grown women don't fit so well in a double bed. Especially when both of them are used to sleeping alone. Plus, she was snoring. So here's me on my birthday...



And here's the part where I brag about my new present.



My Momi spoils me.

In the back you can kind of see the blanket i made myself the other night. It's snuggly.

Happy HNT!

Every so often, I visit a fucked up bathroom. And I always wish that I had taken a picture because no one could possibly believe how incredibly fucked up this bathroom is.

This one wasn't so bad, but I happened to have my camera with me. It was taken in Virginia City a couple of weeks ago. Knowing now what I didn't know then, is just how damn haunted that place is. sadly, I am only recently getting my "feelings" back after a year's hiatus, but happily, while visiting VC for the second time, I felt a lot. I'm still looking for the ghostie in the picture. I don't think there is one.

FYI, I am standing up in the stall NOT sitting down. And I did get caught taking the picture, but the other lady didn't mind since you can't see her. (she was sitting down. not in the stall with me, you freak.)

Went out with the Cowboy last night. I'm back on the happy train. AND he said he would call today and he did.

Tonight I went to coffee with Todd. He was nice. I'm not interested.

After I got home I realized that there is a hole in the crotch of my pants.



Right in front. Which will make my sisters happy because they hate these jeans.

I often wonder if Poo knows I can hear him talking when he is out on the porch. He's discussing me at the moment. It just comes right in my window. This is how sometimes I hear things I don't want to hear.

Ooh. It's late. I'd best be to bed.

Tomorrow I am meeting Greg for dinner.

wha?

So, my mom and poo are fighting because she says he called during the Charger Game to harass her, and he said he didn't call her at all.

My answer? I was either eating or in my room so I can neither confirm nor deny. She says her's is the reliable opinion because she hasn't been drinking. I say they are both a little goofy and I won't believe anything without seeing some phone bill evidence.

Either way, they aren't any fun when they are mad. Even 500 miles away from each other.

I am quietly frustrated and only telling you (all 5 of you) that I am so. not because of my parents but because Cowboy said he would call tonight when he got back from being out of town and he didn't. As Poo has said, "He's turning out to be a flake". I say he's turning out to be like most of the men I have dated (if you can consider us dating) where it turns out that he is so wrapped up in doing what he loves that he forgets to pay attention to the people in his world.

Now, don't get me wrong, I get wrapped up too. And I am not the kind of woman to be jealous of a hobby. But I decided a long time ago (after D) that I deserve better than second place. Quite frankly, I am very low maintenance. Very low. And If I feel like I am not getting enough attention, or that I am playing second fiddle, then there is something wrong. I accept that Cowboy has a lot going on. But I also think that if he can't make time to call when he says he will or to see me once a week or so, then perhaps he doesn't have time to date me. And that's ok, I would rather get that out of the way now before it hurts later. This time? I don't think I am overreacting.

It's not like this is the first time this has happened. And no, I have not given him the pet peeve talk. And no, it doesn't make me feel insecure about our relationship because we don't have one. What we have is two people who have met twice, and talked on the phone several times. We have one person who is actually making some sort of effort, and one person who is making half of one. One of those two is not feeling particularly forgiving right now. One of those two may have allowed herself to be too available so as to appear always available. It seems like this whole not calling thing is his MO. And I really need to figure out if that is something I can handle or not. There are a lot of things I need to decide if I can handle or not. That's a lot of internalized drama for what we have. Which is very little.

Trouble is, that I have had so little face to face time with him that I can't tell if it is worth it. this may just be a crazy time for him. He may have more time when winter is here because I don't think he can rope in the snow. Plus it gets a lot darker earlier. and colder. I enjoy our conversations when we talk on the phone, they have gotten a little less superficial. He seems to want me to get to know him. He tells me more about his family and about life on the ranch, and less about his favorite cartoon character. (Which is certainly a reasonable conversation, of course. I mean, the philosophy behind Roadrunner Cartoons? Genius!)

Am I expecting too much? Am I doing too much comparison with men in my past with whom I was very quickly close? Because it is my experience that when you are really interested in someone, you make it a point to see them as much as possible. I'm not talking about physical contact, I'm talking about getting to know each other better, face to face. Making an effort to see that person even though you are busy. Or at the very least, calling when you say you will. Finding out if this is someone you want to spend more time with or someone who drives you so crazy that when you part ways, you never want to see or speak to them again.

Next week it will have been three weeks since last we met. I think you can hear what I am thinking. Let's see if I have the courage to tell him so.

Clarification

Ok, so, the other day I was feeling really pouty and was probably overreacting. I won't know what Cowboy wants from me until I see him again and maybe even then I don't know. I have a tendency to overreact sometimes (a lot, but in my head until I arrive here). Especially where men are concerned. Part of the trouble is that this is the first guy that I have been on more than one date with who I thought, "I really like this guy" in a very long time. Looking back, I was rather quickly disenchanted with Biker Bob, I just stuck around hoping it would get better.

And in some ways, I am doing that again. But different. This time I am not desperate to cover up the memories of someone else. I'm not looking to replace any one. I'm looking at the situation objecively when I'm not frustrated and confused. And this one? confuses me. He doesn't behave the way I am used to men behaving. And I'm not certain what it is he wants from me. Chances are, I'm making things a lot more complicated in my head than they really are.

But I'm a woman. That's what we do. And no matter how much I try to be logical, sometimes my emotions get in the way. And that's ok. I'm listening to them.

(Heh. the bird just said, "God Damn, fuck this shit")

I''m listening closely and remembering that there are men out there who are looking for the kind of relationship I am looking for. And it could be that Cowboy IS looking for a partner, just not a wife. In his mind? Wife is still a bad thing. I'm learning that. I'm also learning that he's trying to be VERY careful who he spends his time with. I don't think married was fun for him. And I get the idea that the women he has dated since then have been a little crazy for the idea of being married. And soon.

So yes, I will still dress nicely. I don't wear sweats outside the gym anyway so I don't really know what I meant when I said "dress down". I'll still make sure I smell like flowers or strawberries and maybe eventually, coconut (he loves coconut). I can't promise there won't be glue on my fingers and wool in my hair though. That's just too much to ask.

I will ask, though, that when he makes plans with me, that he keeps them.

HNT

good clean fun

BTW, my eyes are red from environmental irritants. damn fires.

Of Cowboys and Goats

Funny thing is, that the Cowboy and the Goat share a name. Cowboy thought that was pretty darn funny.

Tonight he underlined the fact that as long as we continue to have fun, we can continue to spend time together. Fun. A Good time. He underlined that he isn't looking for another wife. (Right after he told me he was dissapointed at not getting to hang out with me last week.) That most women get these ideas after going out a few times about whomever they are dating being "the one"

I explained that I understood, (even though it hurt. I didn't tell him that part, I just stalked around my room) but that women always think that way because it's how we are. That he had made it abundantly clear where he was coming from.

Can I handle that? of course. I've been doing it for years. As long as he doesn't think that having fun means anything physical because that is where I have to draw my lines. Because we have all seen how I don't know how to seperate the physical from the emotional and frankly, I think I am worth far more than a good time. and I think I have wasted too much of myself on "hopefully" and "probably".

So sure, Cowboy, we can be friends. We can hang out and have fun together. And I? will not allow silly romantic dreams of fairy tale endings blind me to what you said. Because I believe that you meant it.

And I? will keep looking for my fairytale ending because I know it's worth it to wait for what is right and damnit, I deserve it.

So maybe tomorrow but definately the next day? we can go out to dinner. And if you show up and I have paint on my nose and glue on my fingers? Or wool in my hair? It's because I don't see any reason to be exceptionally careful with my appearance for someone out to have a good time. My "pals" like me that way.

(after I hung up the phone I stomped around and threatened to throw the phone. But since I NEED it, I didn't. But I wanted to. I also stomped quietly so as not to alert the neighbors. or the roomates.Because, you know, I was likeing that one even though I have tried to play it off. What I really need is a good heartfelt scream)

When the road gets dark

Every so often, life gets a little dramtic, and in my worries about the future, I panic.

And somehow, I have to remind myself to trust. Trust that Poo won't let me fall. Trust that if I hadn't made the right decision, the door to my old life wouldn't have shut so firmly, so quickly. Trust that sometimes, the trail gets bumpy, but I just have to ride it out. After all, smooth sailing all the time gets a little dull. REmember that above all, I'm a survivor.

So tonight, while I was showering, Jewel popped into my head. and I sang along with her. And I was reminded to Have a Little Faith in Me.

And if you have not heard her version of that song, it rocks. It's on the soundtrack to the movie Phenomenon.

momentary something or other

Will someone please find me a bra that fits? please?

There was supposed to be a picture with that, but as soon as the camera was rolling, the bra suddenly fit. so you get me face instead.

Happy HNT, for the first time in a long time

No title.

So, even though I giggle a little when I think of Cowboy (who expressed a little bit of interest last night on the phone, or at least I took it that way) I have learned not to put all my eggs in one basket and I am still chatting with other guys. (no other dates lately)

Anyway, there's one fellow I have been chatting with since I got here. Although I was not interested in him romantically, his title says "just looking for friends" and his profile underlines this. He quickly wanted to chat online, but since I was using Poo's computer, I didn't feel right about that. He suggested chatting at work, but that most certainly not allowed. Once I got my set up in my room, I gave him my email address so that he didn't have to keep paying to talk to me. For some reason, his emails didn't arrive. He suggested IM, I let him know I am on Yahoo Messenger. (and that is enough for me) The following is copied from out converstions.

He:
So may i ask when you will be online again?

Me:
Might be later tonight, I am going to go be social with the roomies.

He:
ok thank you
(later) probably should have re-phrased that. when will you actually be able to talk. I am battin a 1000 trying to get you to at least say hi :)

Me:
I can be difficult that way. I don't spend an extreme amount of time in my room because I like to be social and I spend most of my workday on the computer. So at home, it's hit and miss. I never know when I will get distracted from whatever it is I am doing and see what is on my computer. I WAS hiding from the bananas in the kitchen, but now I'm hungry so out I go!

He:
So why did you even bother contacting me if you werent really going to take this seriously. Your making about 0 effort and i have to chase you down for you to even say hi to me. Why even have a profile?

Me:
I'm sorry, last I checked, you contacted me. And I said I think we could be friends based on the fact that your profile states that you are looking for friends. Or was that just a way to get women to be comfortable with you?

It seems to me that I have been as friendly with you as I have with anyone else. I gave you my email address, I don't know why your emails weren't going through. I gave you my yahoo screen name, and you didn't try to chat that way. I made it pretty clear that I don't spend all night on my computer so that you wouldn't think I was ignoring you. I'm not sure what else you expect from me. If I frustrate you, I am sorry. Some people don't know how to handle me and that's ok. I wish you the best.

OOH! I feel a bit of DRAMA coming on!

don't leave pubes in my soap and don't piss on the toilet seat

And you can share my bathroom.

Boy roomie has come to stay.

I got home from a rather stressful work after noon to discover (oh, the horror!!) bananas! To big bunches of bananas! So I reacted like any other person with an allergy and I asked him to please not buy them anymore. That for me, bananas are like bringing peanuts around someone with a peanut allergy. I can't touch them, I don't sniff them, I don't get near them. I SWELL UP. ON MY FACE. Which wouldn't be so bad if it were just a hive or two, but my lips swell and get blisters. which means the allergy is really bad and can become life threatening.

He told me not to eat them or touch them. People without allergies can be very frustrating. I? cannot eat any of the fruit in the fruit bowl. and I? Don't really want to go in the kitchen.

sigh.

I'm still appriciative of the situation that I am in. It just looks like I will be spending a lot more time in my room.

Ooda lolly, ooda lolly, golly what a day

From the silliness of the gym experience, my day just went wonky. Almost got in an accident on my way to work (someone elses fault. Had I not stopped, I woulda T-Boned that box truck) and then I just got angrier when the housekeepers were taking thier sweet time at the time clock. After standing there for 5 minutes while one showed another how to get clocked in, the following conversation was had:

Man Coworker: You still Waiting?
Me: Yeah, they're giving a demonstration (I must have used "that" tone)
Man Coworker: Ah, someone is new.
Housekeeping Admin: You know there are two other timeclocks by the staff cafe...
Me: *Look of Death*

Right now my sister is saying "uh oh". the thing is, that every day at 8:00 am, the housekeeping shift starts. We call it the "March of the Penguins". Think 50 people, all crammed into a 5 ft wide hallway clocking in, accessing lockers (which take up a foot of that hallway, gathering bottles of cleaner for the day ahead. They do not part. they block the way. Most mornings, I don't even see them, but today was my first day clocking in at 8am. And they could care less that I was waiting to get to the time clock. Actually, they can generally care less if you just want to get through. I was 2 minutes late. It seems to me that It would be smart to either encourage them to use another time clock or stagger the start time a bit.

I was a bit steamy (and not in a good way) but the time i reached my desk which had been taken over by the new admin (again) this time I couldn't chase her off because my stuff had been moved over the weekend to my new desk. Cool! I had hoped this would happen, so Friday, I made sure I swept the area and wiped down my desk.

Whomever cleaned and polished the floor set two nasty old office chairs on my desk which dripped an unknown icky substance on my desk. GRR! And everything was covered in a fine layer of dust. GRRR! And when IT put in my computer, they completely bypassed the keyboard drawere and set everything up on my desk...ROAR!

I am strong when I am angry.

I switched filing cabinets because the one I had was legal size with those stupid railings that look all rickety to make it letter size so I changed it for one that was built for hanging folders.

I warned all my coworkers that I was angry and Vickie fed me chocolate covered Altoids. (oh. YUM) then we headed out to go get some hot drinks and when I hit the ice dispenser (the hot drinks are too hot, Goldilocks), hawaiian punch drenched my hand and suit. I had to laugh. Things got better after I washed up. My desk got clean and most of the scotch tape applied by it's previous owner removed. By afternoon when the office supplies arrived, I was singing. And then I got PAID!

I'm blaming it on the full moon and impending eclipse. Thank goodness the day ended well.

In other news, Clint Called. He tried to tell Poo he was arrested, but his story just doesn't check out. At least he is alive, but I should be a lttle embarassed to see him again seeing as how he lied to Poo and made me worry. Apparently, according to his dad, he's been arrested and kidnapped and all sorts of things over the years to explain his absences. So sad. I'm glad it's over.

the best laid plans

So, I've been feeling fluffier than usual, a state that has only gotten worse since I moved to the great state of NV. I'm thinking it's because I've been eating a lot of ice cream and drinking a lot of soda. Like one or more a day to my previous no more than 1 a week. I won't get into all the steak and potatoes or the beer brats I had for dinner last night.

Since my work hours got changed to 8:00 am, I decided I would take the opportunity to get up and go to the gym. And I did! But the door was locked. Not to be put off, I thought I would take a jog around the apartments. I might have gone one tenth of a mile before I was so tired and out of breath that I had to stop. Poo says it's the higher altitude. I think that after a month, I should be acclimated. So I will keep on trying.

And I am going to start keeping track of what I eat. And how much water I drink. I'm constantly feeling dehydrated here. Here's to improving my health.

parents are funny

It never ceases to amaze me how after two dates, a guy can be my boyfriend. Never mind that I'm not even sure what he thinks of me, never mind that we've never so much as shaken hands. We went on two dates. He's my boyfriend. My mom's askin Poo all sorts of questions about the Cowboy. I? Don't consider him a fixture. He's someone I like. But it's possible that nothing will come of it. It's possible that The Intellectual will sweep me offa my feet after all.

But if my mom wants to believe that I have found the love of my life after two dates, well, I'm glad it makes her happy.


If you are wondering, there is still no sign of Clint. After talking to his mom and dad, Poo has learned that this is how he rolls. First paycheck, and he's gone. Poo still put out a missing persons, and wonders if he will come in Monday to pick up his paycheck. One of these days we're going to need to pack up his stuff and send it to his parents.

He likes me, He likes me not...

Maybe I am just not used to spending time with a man who is a gentleman. Maybe he's like me, and saying he had a nice time, lets do it again next week is his way of saying "I really like you". I don't know.

took me out to dinner...He likes me.
Stayed at least a full foot away from me all evening...He likes me not.

I don't think I'm stinky...He gave me a piece of gum after dinner...He made it pretty darn clear he's not looking for another wife, but to meet some nice people.

Where does that leave me? feeling a little rejected even though he says he wants to hang out again next week.

This slow movin thing is gonna kill my ego.

I did have a nice time. I'm trying not to be a freak. it's not being easy.

I stole this from jestertunes

You entered: What, you think I am going to give you my full real name? no way, Monkeys! But given that my first name means Queen, and my last name translates to Military Dictator, I think I might be destined to rule the world.

The frightening thing, is, that much of this is true.Even the so-called bad stuff.

There are 17 letters in your name.
Those 17 letters total to 79
There are 8 vowels and 9 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:
Spanish Female Queen.
Latin Female Queen.
Italian Female Queen.

Your number is: 7

The characteristics of #7 are: Analysis, understanding, knowledge, awareness, studious, meditating.

The expression or destiny for #7:
Thought, analysis, introspection, and seclusiveness are all characteristics of the expression number 7. The hallmark of the number 7 is a good mind, and especially good at searching out and finding the truth. You are so very capable of analyzing, judging and discriminating, that very little ever escapes your observation and deep understanding. You are the type of person that can really get involved in a search for wisdom or hidden truths, often becoming an authority on whatever it is your are focusing on. This can easily be of a technical or scientific nature, or it may be religious or occult, it matters very little, you pursue knowledge with the same sort of vigor. You can make a very fine teacher, or because of a natural inclination toward the spiritual, you may become deeply emerged in religious affairs or even psychic explorations. You tend to operate on a rather different wavelength, and many of your friends may not really know you very well. The positive aspects of the 7 expression are that you can be a true perfectionist in a very positive sense of the word. You are very logical, and usually employ a quite rational approach to most things you do. You can be so rational at times that you almost seem to lack emotion, and when you are faced with an emotional situation, you may have a bit of a problem coping with it. You have excellent capabilities to study and learn really deep and difficult subjects, and to search for hidden fundamentals. At full maturity you are likely to be a very peaceful and poised individual.

If there is an over supply of the number 7 in your makeup, the negative aspects of the number may be apparent. The chief negative of 7 relates to the limited degree of trust that you may have in people. A tendency to be highly introverted can make you a bit on the self-centered side, certainly very much self-contained . Because of this, you are not very adaptable, and you may tend to be overly critical and intolerant. You really like to work alone, at your own pace and in your own way. You neither show or understand emotions very well.

Your Soul Urge number is: 8

A Soul Urge number of 8 means:
With an 8 soul urge, you have a natural flair for big business and the challenges imposed by the commercial world. Power, status and success are very important to you. You have strong urges to supervise, organize and lead. Material desires are also very pronounced. You have good executive abilities, and with these, confidence, energy and ambition.

Your mind is analytical and judgment sound; you're a good judge of material values and also human character. Self-controlled, you rarely let emotions cloud judgment. You are somewhat of an organizer at heart, and you like to keep those beneath you organized and on a proper track. This is a personality that wants to lead, not follow. You want to be known for your planning ability and solid judgment.

The negative aspects of the 8 soul urge are the often dominating and exacting attitude. You may have a tendency to be very rigid, sometimes stubborn.

Your Inner Dream number is: 8

An Inner Dream number of 8 means:
You dream of success in the business or political world, of power and control of large material endeavors. You crave authority and recognition of executive skills. Your secret self may have very strong desire to become an entrepreneur.

The many reasons I love my seester

S:
we signed our loan documents this morning
i don't feel like working

ginamonster:
Do you feel like dancing??

S:
okay!
i'll go get the beegees!

ginamonster:
I love you.

S:
i love YOU!


"You make me feel like dancing!! (I wanna dance the night away)"...

In other news, we have no word from Clint, I finally went ahead and called Cowboy, and the Intellectual, despite his invite out for cocktails tonight, ended up unavailable. I? am going to return to my spinning wheel and parrot in a minute.

And it just gets stranger

Clint's missing. Haven't seen him since Friday.

He clocked in at 5:30 am on Saturday, (he was scheduled at 4 am) but no one ever saw him and he didn't clock out. He didn't show up to work today. Although we called all weekend long because he was supposed to go to Virginia City with us, he never called back.

I called the Sheriff's office (no, Officer Dangle did not answer, and no, I didn't ask for him) but he's not in jail, and I called the hospitals, but he isn't there either. I did not call the morgue.

Odd. We're worried.

will.not.go.wacko...

I'm feeling a bit disappointed but not freaked out (surprisingly) that Cowboy did not call as he said he would this evening. I did, however, have a nice chat with possibility #3 who I will likely met for Pho sometime soon.

Meanwhile I promise not to get too disappointed unless I don't hear from Cowboy for several more days in which case, you will likely hear a heardfelt DARN. Cuz, you know, I really like that one.

Went to Virginia City today. It was a cultural experience. I remembered at the last moment, thankfully, that you should never ask a man what kind of nuts he has.

Even though he's just making you a hot fudge sundae.

Get a life

SO someone posted all sorts of crap about the boss and I on craigslist. It seems to me that if they have nothing better to do than to rant and rave on craigslist, I mean, if they really want a place to rave, they should get a blog, right?

Or, you know, maybe they should be out looking for a job instead of fooling around on the internet. (Yes I know the internet is an excellent place to get a job and that craigslist is a fantastic online resource. I'm just mad and doing my best not to respond (on craigslist) to what was posted.) Oh, and get their facts strait. I may have worked in a barn, but it was a 180 million dollar barn. and the golf course might have weeds, but I prefer to call them native vegetation. and when PGA hosts a tournament there this October? Enough said.

Grr. grr. GRRR!

oh my.

I really liked my time this evening with The Cowboy. A lot.

Yes, it's true. Two dates in one week. Both of them interesting prospects.

One, learned the story of the last ten years and made me run away at the end.

The other talked to me about cartoons and bad karaoke, and there was no fear when he walked me to my car. And when I turned for one last look? he waved.

So, what I REALLY want to know is...

Can you get a root beer belly? because I think I might be getting one.

In the moment

Where to begin? Do I begin at work today when my new friend was let go because it turns out he has a rap sheet? Or do I discuss how I was excited about a date tonight? Or how on my way to said date, I called two other fellas, one of whom I had a nice conversation and stuck my foot in my mouth in the end. The other called back while I was on my date as well as another who is a lovely fella too.

Or do I begin where I tried so hard to be on time and ended up 15 minutes early to my meeting. Do I start at the point where I called my date to tell him I was rediculously early only to find out he was going to be late? Sit with me, in your mind, at Loolous, a swanky kind of place with "stainless" trimming, white couches, lime green walls, and a really bad modern art piece accosting my right eye. Think with me about how the bartender was surprised that someone would order SoCo and Seven and then spend 45 minutes calling everyone she can think of so as not to feel like a complete idiot in a bar not really her style. Wonder with me about what is on the other side of the frosted glass wall. And realize that although the situation sucks, it'll make for good blogging later.

In walks my date, who turns out to be more attractive than his pictures. Who is comfortable and interested in my world as I see it (or was it the SoCo haze?Not so much his looks but his interest?) Who didn't seem at all surprised that there was a bathroom on the other side of the frosted wall.

And at the end of the night, at my car, after discussing my life story right down to what happened to C and I (he seemed amazed that we are still friends, despite my insistance that C is a dear friend and I can't imagine life without him, and yes, it took time to get there) when I realized it was time to go and oh my goodness it's the end of the date and people sometimes Kiss at the end of dates, and I panicked and announced that I was feeling very awkward and was going home.

He called me later, to see what that was all about, and I tried to explain while the dads were listening, of course, that I don't date often and didn't know what to do. And I am feeling very embarassed. I emailed him, and explained a little about how I am not used to non casual physical contact, and no I didn't use that exact phrase. I hope I have not made a complete idiot out of myself because I would like to see him again. He was nice. and comfortable.

He said he had wanted to kiss me and might have asked to do so if i hadn't run away. The 14 year old girl who waited too long to make up her mind the first time a boy asked for a kiss? she's still there. If that same boy hadn't snuck up on me a year later, who knows when I would have joined the ranks of smoochers. It still terrifies me, that first step beyond casual aquaintence and admitting you are interested. Since I don't count the drunk river snack, it's been a year since I have dealt with this fear. And the whole thing with Biker Bob? If you remember correctly, he rejected me in so many ways that it's his image that I pull up now, to keep me from being taken for granted again. We were both at fault for so many things, but sometimes, he was cruel. Many times, he undermined my self confidence so badly that I could do little more than beat myself up for allowing him to do it.

And now, I am afraid again. Afraid of first kisses. Afraid of involvement. Afraid of date two.

It was time

I took a trip to San Diego this weekend to be in Bug Guy's wedding. I didn't end up performing the ceremony, only played bridesmaid, which was ok, although a little disappointing because I really worked hard on their vows. I'm thinking that I will give them to them anyway, because I liked what I wrote so much.

It was wonderful to spend time with my mom, and my grandmother happened to be in town as well. Seester popped in because the Chargers were playing, and Girl Roomie came down and we all got pedicures. It couldn't have been better, except for the part where I had to go home. Especially hard was the part where Girl Roomie gave me a present she made, a little scrapbook with all my friends in it. There were even pictures of us at the house. I will keep it at my desk for when I need a smile.

I wasn't expecting one little thing in my lovely weekend.

I saw my father. I didn't have to, I could have chosen not to go, but I knew that going was the right thing to do, even though it wasn't the easy way. (Have you ever noticed that the right way is rarely the easy way?) He needed gas money so he could go to a job interview. since Seester wssan't going to make it into town in time, my mom took him the money. I chose to go.

He actually looks really good. We all had a good conversation, and it felt good to hug him. I took him by surprise when I mentioned that I had moved to Reno. I think it upset him a bit that I moved without telling him. I didn't really see how I should be expected to. After all, I hadn't seen him in nearly 4 years.

the most important part though, was the part where he held me tight and whispered into my ear,

"I'm sorry"

I knew how hard it was for him to say so. And I knew that I had to tell him,

"I forgive you"

The moment the words, which felt empty as they welled up in my throat, passed through my lips, I realized that I meant it.

Bound

I think it's safe to say that I lead a strange life. I recently moved to a city I had never been to, where I only knew one person. I currently live with two cowboys. Both 50. Both, at night tend to be drunk.

Tonight is a quiet night. Last night, not so much. I guess it depends on if they're drinking whisky and Dr Pepper, Rum and Coke, or beer. They seem to get a lot louder with the liquor.

Last night it was rum and coke. I never really see them buy the hard stuff, it only appears. If one doesn't pick something up at night, the other does. The volume goes up, and on work nights, I just want them to be done so I can go to sleep. they are not violent, not out of hand. Just loud. Last night, they were loud enough to wake me from my slumber. I had trouble going back to sleep after that.

I've never really liked drunkin conversation. Things get said that are better left unsaid. words slip out that in sober times would remain behind locked lips. I know they are really in their cups when they start arguing about which one is my dad and who loves me more. They are good men. But I like the sober nights best.

I need to get out on my own. Laying awake listening to them talk late into the night, or waking because one has fallen asleep with the TV on (I can hear it through my door sometimes) I am reminded that I like living alone. But I am fortunate, so fortunate. To live for free and have my own room. Huge dinners every night. I feel bad complaining, even to myself. I would never say anything. I cannot judge what others do with their spare time, it is not my stone to cast.

And I remain. it will be several months before I feel on my feet enough to move out. Several paychecks. I must be diligent and save them. I pray for the opportunity to move into a house. My house. But I will gladly settle for an apartment of my own. In the meantime, I am greatful. And I try to sleep through the noise. I have so much to be greatful for.

There is no turning back. I will not complain. I'm glad to be heading south for the weekend. Bug Guy's wedding is Saturday and I will be staying with my mom. I miss her. I plan to get some sleep.

Hostess Philosophy

"A Ding Dong, without the filling, is just chocolate cake"

Thank you.



in other news, the Admin was let go yesterday. I have mixed feelings. I don't like it when people get fired.

Think back a couple of posts...

I love having my computer up and running...

So, do you remember back a couple of posts to when I talked about the trip to VEGAS!! and how I danced with some guy who played the air flute? I TOLD you there were pictures.



I TOLD you there was fist pumping action. good gravy. The redhead running away would be my little sister, Pie. I bought her a pinata.



I didn't think it would look so much like her. In the end, this is what happened. By the way I buy GREAT pinata stuff. I'm just sayin. This thing was packed with candy and pencils and sharpies and facial masques and BOOZE. Lots of booze. I'm thankful that I put the booze in first because there wasn't a whole lot of room for the candy.



We took the head back to San Diego and it was placed on my mom's work chair. Because were sick that way and damn, it was funny. Can't wait to see Pie next weekend, I think.

I'm thinking that English is a second language

I'm not poking fun. Not really. But this is funny. I will be politely refusing. Quoted verbatum this time.


“i'm a funny gay looking loyalty....”

My ideal match would look like,a fun and friendly girls doesn't matter a baby, and the most important respect and loyalty.

The things I usually do on weekends are go out and eat in a good restaurant watch some movie on summer time spend time out of the city maybe in california or some travel.

An interesting habit that I have is,read a good book.

To me, the most important thing in life is god a good relation.god like my father.

My feeling on love-at-first-sight is yes is a good signal.

the whistle of the axe

I learned yesterday that Bossman and Coworker were laid off yesterday. Had I not come to Reno for new life and new civilizations, I would be jobless right now. It's an odd feeling, this, to know that I narroly missed the headman's axe. and it hurts to know that the department I hlped to build over 4 years and countless hours is shut down and being turned over to an outside company.

I went on a date yesterday. had a nice time. I think he and I can be friends.

Almost nakid and my new boy friend

I have a lot to say, so be prepared for a marathon post.

Sunday, we went tubing on the Truckee River. I like tubing. We parked one car upstream and one downstream and got in the river. It was low at the point where we entered, so moving was slow. After a couple of hours I tried to hitch a ride home with a couple of fishermen with a kayak, but they said no. What I should have done was stuck around with the cute guy and his dog who were fishing about 50 ft downstream from where we started.

ANYWAY, we tubed for three hours. At one point, I got stuck in a rapid and almost lost my bottoms. (there were a few deep parts) then, we came to a dam and had to get out. The men folk predicted we had gone about three miles. In that time we saw a lot of fisherpeople, some cute guys, a lot of scary river bugs (Buzz? I would like an identification on the scary river bugs because I'm pretty sure that I would have DIED if one touched me) I got one worm and a lot of moss down my pants (ok, the worm was just on my bottoms, but EEW!) saw one doe (she was lovely) and one 4 pt buck (he was a treat just for me, no one else saw him)Since it was 5pm, we decided to hike back upstream since we couldn't go over the dam.

I hiked two miles up Hwy 40 in Verdi. In flip flops. And my bikini. I have truly arrived in Reno.

Monday, I started work. Now, when I asked the recruiter, told me Monday, 8 am, orientation. So I went. And HR told me orientation wasn't until Wednesday at 9. Okay...So they showed me to my desk. there were no drawers in my desk which is, actually, in the basement, but that's where everyone is, so I don't mind (in a store room in the basement. I might have to bring in my red stapler). They have known for a month that I would be arriving, I had no computer, no phone, no office supplies (um, Merkin? I saw that I don't have any note cards and, I can't do my job without them.) I stared at the ceiling a lot that day.

I learned on the way home that the Admin told everyone how much I make.

Tuesday, I found something to do and was busy all day. The admin told me she was so busy she didn't want to see any orders. (ok. I will wait to have things like, oh, a stapler, some paperclips, you know) HR called me into the office to sign paperwork. When I asked if i needed to bring anything, she said no. When I got there, she asked to see my ID. She got to hear my very calm bitch voice.

Wednesday, I asked about my computer log on, which I signed the paperwork for on Monday (you know, because I also need a computer to do my job)But the Admin told me it would take a lot of time because so many signatures were needed and the paperwork didn't get sent until Tuesday. I used Poo's computer to get myself started.

Today I learned that the Admin spread a rumor that Poo is my boyfriend. She called the phone guy to set up our new purchasing guy's phone, and since the Phone Guy (he calls himself that) got confused, I finally got my phone set up as well. My new desk arrived. Since Housekeeping doesn't keep our office, I swept and "mopped" (meaning I taped a rag to a broom, got it wet and swiped it over the floor. We also empty our own trashes) and Admin wouldn't let me near to help set it up. Actually she acted as though I was useless in trying. She couldn't even open the box. I stepped away. IT hooked up my computer. I still don't have a log on. And it's going to take "awhile" to get my office supplies and I can't have the log on to get them myself because I don't have the clearance.

I realized last night that I don't like Admin. Which explains why I think really mean thoughts about her. They just pop into my head and I shock myself. But I don't say those things. They're really mean. But I can forgive myself now that I realize that I didn't like her from the beginning. I'm nice to her though, even though she makes my life a little difficult. She is who she is, and I can't like everyone.

Beyond that, I'm still having fun. The higher ups like what I have accomplished so far and I really couldn't ask for more from them.